Just another day in paradise.

***March 2009***
Valentina got more flowers today. She was so pleased when they came. So many people love her. I hope and pray that someday my life/my choices will have mattered. Everyone is here for a reason and no one knows what their purpose is or if and when they fulfill the purpose.

Valentina and Erica today

I know in this life, I won't develop any cures for any illnesses. I know I have a small circle of friends and family that I can hope to impact. I hope when I'm gone people remember that I always do what I think is right. Even if it embarrasses me, I try to be better than I know myself to be. I know I won't come up with a super breed of dogs that are without health issues. I know a lot of things, but I also know that I really know nothing. I am just a cog in the wheel. I won't achieve anything heroic in my life time. I won't save my Country. I will know my biggest accomplishment is what I leave behind with my children and hopefully grandchildren. That is enough for me. Oh, and making the public aware that Oregon is God’s Country and then not letting them move here.

I used to think that I would like to know when it is my turn to die. Lately I have been thinking "not so much". I have seen the suffering, I have seen the shock and horror of it. We have been face to face lately and I would like to pass. I'm acutely aware of cancer like it breathes in my own nostrils. I had my breasts removed so I could give myself the "average" chance of developing breast cancer. I think dying in your sleep is the way to go. Vote me in on that okay?

You can read this article if you are curious.

http://www.oregonlive.com/special/index.ssf/2008/02/family_ties_boulanger_curse.html

The link above is a story that was written about my sisters and I that was published in the Oregonian by a very talented journalist and now friend, Julie Sullivan. Rob Finch took all the pictures and is an incredible photographer.

If you read the article You will know where I come from with all of this cancer crap. I'm not brave, I'm truly a coward. Afraid of the "C" word. Knowing that each day comes a chance my sisters or I will be forced to call one another with the news one of us has cancer. Every relative on my Mom's side is DEAD. All from Cancer and the most terrible part is it is carried in our genes. My family has sacrificed a lot. We have plans, us sisters. So hopefully God doesn't have other plans.

Seeing Valentina sit in the chair next to me, watching as her lungs go in and out all the while listening for the exchange of air in her lungs to be sure she is still alive. Her sickness is overtaking her now. She is looking more gone by the hour. I see heaven in her eyes. Simple things make her smile. I feel so sorry for her son. He is 22 and doesn't know anything really. He is smart but doesn't even know the questions he will want to know later on in life. God brought them to me as neighbors now we are together in the end. It is so wonderfully strange how God works through us to do what he needs to have done. We helped raise him and he knows we love him.

There is so much suffering.. more than I can see. There is so much in front of me now I sometimes think I'm not strong enough to go to the next hurdle. You know, every 2 hours I set my alarm to wake up so I can give Valentina a pain pill. When the little alarm rings it literally makes me ill to have to walk to the “that” room that houses her body. When I open the door ever so quietly I secretly hope she is still alive. (I hope she is still alive.) Why would I hope she is alive? She is suffering so bad right now. Why wouldn't I be praying for God to take her? I do pray for that but with each alarm my heart skips a beat. I think she is close to the end and yet I can't divert my eyes from her, I can’t help but to stare constantly at her. She is almost in a coma so I'm not being rude looking at her. I see Jesus when I look at her. Not the skeletal remains of what she is now, but the person and woman that she is. No poop/blood vomit today. Lots of spills and a little more gone mentally, but no barf. Thank you Jesus for that. She is closer to God with every breath. I can just sit and wonder what he is revealing to her.
Looking for just a hint of Him.

I can tell you that Valentina has made a difference in my life. I can see through her life what grace and love can do to a person. She knows how to pick good people to surround herself with. I think anything less would have been a disservice to her. She is so absolutely beautiful to me. I don't see her dying I see her living. I see her surrendering her will. I see angels when I look at her. All the nurses constantly comment on how beautiful she is and that she has such a beautiful aura and it emanates from her body even in this weakened condition. Taking care of her, feeding her, attending to her needs has made me a better person. I have had these long hours of sleeplessness that I have been quiet and had time to listen to the still small voice. I get so busy and hurried in my daily life that I barely sit still. I pray and then set about fixing things etc and never sit back and listen for the answers. So conceited am I. I have to listen very carefully I realize otherwise my own thoughts and ways are all I can hear.

I haven’t been to church in years. I quit going because I am lazy. I would rather sit in my chair and sip coffee and listen to the Pastor out at the Applegate Christian Fellowship. Jon Courson is a gifted teacher. I can't leave my dad and it is the only day I don't have to be on TV so to speak. I can wear my pajama's all day long and not have to put on the "Heather show". It seems so lame when I put on paper that I'm too lazy to be thankful to Christ enough to go to Church. Was raised a Mormon and had to go to church, had to wear a dress, etc. Now, I know God doesn't care what I wear, doesn't care if I put on a dress he is just happy to see me when I make myself available.
What a thought.