Orchids, woodpeckers and men with stogies .

Monday ... Start of a new week.

IT is Monday already. I surprisingly had a great day. I cleaned up the yards, vacuumed the whole house, did every dish then I went outside and took pictures of things my Dad loved. Yep, I was feeling sad a bit. So, camera and new lenses in hand went outside and took pictures of my wild wood pecker, the cement and wood bears my Father loved and purchased.

He also bought this cement thing for the outside wall of a man with big sunglasses on smoking a stogie. I'm going to finally paint the end of the "lit" stogie with red nail polish. He would like that. I felt better taking the pictures so it was good. I took pictures of my remarkable woodpecker and my orchids.

I went to church on Saturday night.

Erica and I went to Parkway Christian Center. The service was not in the main sanctuary but instead in the "Hull center." About 40 people showed up. Very casual, cookies, coffee and really the only thing missing was the man who wears a robe and staff and calls himself Jesus who walks around town preaching. This casualness had a certain appeal to the shorts wearing part of me. I think I could have stood up during the meeting and talked. Not like the regular church services I attended as a child (Mormon) and later as a Christian.

The funny thing was that the asst Pastor came up to introduce himself to us. He shakes our hand (Erica gives him her name.. I did not) and thanked us for coming. I then proceed to tell him we are there to "audition him/the church.") I really did say that out loud. He got this really surprised look on his face, (Shocked at my rudeness/Tourette's syndrome/compulsive disorder) and said "Don't judge us by this sermon; I'm the "B" team." He was being modest.

I got a lot out of his lesson/teaching. The music was weird. It was the songs I have always sang (at the same church years ago) but the younger generation puts their own spin on it. Different melody, same words. It was okay though. The sermon was about Love. Blah, blah Love…Blah, blah. At almost the end of the Sermon when the band is playing the "get up and go home" music he stands back up and says: "There is someone here tonight that needs to know they need to be healed... They have a deep hurt and loss that only God can take away" Then he looks straight at me and says "That is why you came tonight. To have someone acknowledge your sorrow, your grief and your losses". Then he looked straight at me again and sat down. Weird eh? Of course I would like to think he really knew what is going on with me. Like some divine intervention and what not but that would be too conceited. Probably imagined he was talking directly to me anyhow. Guess that is all today.

"The best present is when you make a girl cry"

I learned something tonight. You see my sister Kim’s oldest daughter turns 28 tomorrow. I knew I wanted to do something special Christine because she does so much for other people. When I go to Portland for the once a month parties Christine always brings a homemade bracelet that she has made for all of the 5 girls. It is not an ordinary beaded bracelet. It is themed in color and charms. I know that finding the charms and beads that fit each occasion is not an easy task. She pays careful attention to each detail. That is love. My friend, Carol gave me the love of beads and I shared the obsession with Christine. She knows how I appreciate the time and work she puts into each one. Not only does she make a bracelet she usually coordinates the Friday night dinner.

She brings most of the food, most of the snacks (Boulanger’s gotta have the snacks) and spends her whole Friday's with me. She could use her Friday to do so many other more fun things rather than hanging out with me. The fact that she picks me makes me feel really loved and special. What young girl would choose to spend an entire day sitting around, beading, holding hands and just being together with her 46 year old hag of an aunt? Not many girls and I'm overwhelmed that she chooses me.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Yep, Yep, Yep 28 years old. She lost her mom 6 months ago. She has lived with me off and on for years and I would not know her like I do if she hadn’t of come to be with us. She wanted to get to know us on her own terms and we share a very special bond because of that. Bonne is “my person” and Christine is my “2nd person”. Knowing you are second probably isn’t the best thing to be but since it is behind Bonne it is a good place to be. When I'm going crazy I call her no matter what time day or night and she talks me down. She knows me well enough to know what to say to be calm. When Colton and Cody were in a car wreck a few years ago they called me early in the morning and Colton said "This time it's bad Mom" and then said the Police were there and he had to go. OMG A parent shutters at this kind of call. I could not breath. I literally threw on a coat and was white knuckling it so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack on my way to where the accident was. I called Chris. I was so panicked. I told her through tears and hysteria what had been said to me and that the boys were not answering their phones. She calmed me down, stayed on the phone with me and then called the boys to see what the situation was. They answered for her. She called me back. She gets me. She gave me peace when there was no peace in sight. I love her so very much.

Back to the real reason I'm here. I want to talk about her. She and her friend decided to go to Seattle for an adventure to celebrate her 28th birthday. They took the train up to Seattle and got a beautiful hotel room for three nights. They have been planning and looking forwards to this trip for months. I have been excited for her.

Her Dad and I have been thinking long and hard about what to give her this year for her birthday because she can buy anything she wants at any time and to buy her more stuff is just that … more stuff. I asked her dad what he thought about sending her flowers one day and then a fruit basket the next day to her hotel. He reminded me that Christine was fasinated by a edible fruit basket we got at the hospital when my sister was dying. He remembered her saying she wishes she was the “official fruit tester” because every piece of fruit was perfect. WOW. What an idea. Why did I forget that? Alzheimers? I mean, I remember the basket, I remember everyone ate on it for 3 days why didn’t I remember she was enamored with it?She deserves every thought she gets.

Last week I called the company and ordered a big basket for her to have it delivered to her hotel room. I asked her constantly about check in time, arrival of train etc. She had NO clue. She was flabbergasted when she got to her room and this beautiful basket was waiting just for her. She never has had anything delivered to a room like that for her. I am spoiled. When I used to go to San Francisco for gift shows my sister, Bonne would send me a flower bouquet, a bottle of champagne and it was sooo nice. She even sent me a beautiful bouquet when I went to Georgia and Texas as well. She called to thank me and was tearful. When I talked to her Dad about it he said “The best present makes a girl cry” and I love it. She deserves to cry. Good tears, good surprises and many years of love and joy. I love you more Christine.

Yah, you aren't so special. You just ate too much.

“It must be something more because I’m a Boulanger remember?“

Those are the words uttered to me tonight when my daughter felt sick to her stomach. The worst part is she really now believes all that being a Boulanger belies her. Although, sometimes a belly ache is just a belly ache and sometimes being a Boulanger means if it can go wrong it will. Other time it is bad luck, good luck and no luck. Roll of the dice. Case In point...

We took her to get her wisdom teeth pulled and the dentist informed us that she had only one. ONE wisdom tooth. I’d like to be coy here and say she only has one wisdom tooth because she isn’t very wise etc. The Dentist told us he has never had a case where just ONE wisdom tooth showed up. He has had cases of 2 missing, but never 3 not growing in. She looked at me when he told her that and we shared a knowing glance. She knows what it means to be “special”. She will spend her years hearing how “this is the first time I’ve ever seen this”, “We don’t have a known name for this”, “This is rare, WOW” etc. I used to think it exciting to be so special. To have stuff no one has ever seen before. One time my uvula in my throat swelled up so much in my throat I had to go to urgent care. OF course, they hadn’t ever seen anything like that and that visit was where I realized it isn’t actually a “special” thing more like a “oddity thing.” That was the visit the clinched all the “specialness”

I went to Portland last week. Spent 5 nights. It is amazing how good it feels to be with my sisters family and Bonne. This time Bonne stayed 3 nights with me and we just held hands and visited and it felt good to snuggle up with her at night and talk about our dead sister and Dad. No one can understand how it feels but us. My brother-in-law and nieces and nephews lost their mom (Our sister) but we lost a dad and a quasi Sister/Mom figure. Now when we get together it is less tearful and more remembering. Remembering the good and bad. I have no one to talk about my Dad with. <--Bonne

Bonne tries to understand and she is the only person who loved my Dad like me. I lived with him. I took care of him. I still miss him horribly. I get up easier now, I keep things clean, I try to focus my days better. It doesn’t help that I only have 4 puppies in my nursery. Puppies are what gets me through the rough patches. The new babies are too small to be held much. The Mom’s frown on the laying on the floor with their babies just yet. LOL. I don’t blame them but I live for puppies kisses and puppy breath.

David is trying harder to be less demanding, grouchy and hard to live with. He is really stressed at work and tired. He gets his Masters Degree next month. I will be so damn glad when his schooling is over. It is a terrible thing that he started back to school 3 years ago with the idea that he would get a juicy promotion and then the economy took a dump. I’m thankful he still has a job. His company has “reorganized” twice since he started back to school. So many lay offs and job shuffling. Working 12 hours a day at a job where they suck the life out of you is all there is? So, when he dies can I put on his grave (If I’m still here) “Here lies a man who gave up every daylight hour to work hard for his family?”

Christine and I above.

Maybe the hippies and squatters have it right. I sometimes have fleeting thoughts of selling everything we own and buying a motor home and to just park the motor home somewhere and just be. Not the Walmart parking lot unless that is where we get the most peace. I’m thinking more along the lines of next to a river, creek and my favorite is the Ocean. David thinks I could stand this living in a very confined area for maybe 3 months. I think he has been so busy working and studying I have changed and he hasn’t taken notice yet. I want a simplier life. I would rather spend time with him then sit and wait until he gets home from work so I can stare at the back of his head while he watches Jeopardy and then goes to his computer to start his second job (School). I think I could learn to love less stuff, more time together. I now see how it is possible for two people who live in the same house grow apart. It is easier than it looks.

Maybe just for fun I will motor home shop.?

Nah, I will just get my hopes up. Wondering aloud how many dogs I could take on this life/road trip?? It just occured to me this could be a mid life crisis thing for me. I just want a new life, a do-over. I want more freedom. Not that I have anything I can't do now I just hate the credit cards. Yep, it's the credit cards fault that we spend on them. I hate owing money.

Back to my initial thought of the day. Caiti’s tummy ache. She barfed in the sink. All I can say is thank God it was in the boys bathroom. Then she comes out and says (hang onto your seats) “the sink isn’t draining. I think it is clogged up with spaghetti noodles.” OMG could she have grossed me out more? Something wrong with getting, oh I don’t know a BARF BUCKET? If you know me at all you know I don’t do spit/saliva/gum things. When someone else makes barfing sounds I can’t help it I puke/almost puke every time. She waltzes out and declares she is going to bed and that I should pour some bleach down the un-draining, noodle laden bathroom sink... I admit I use a ton of bleach all of the time. I’m just thinking that even the most powerful bleach I use we could not force Italian sausage and spaghetti noodles down the drain. OMG I have to do something about this. I’m thinking she is 17. Don’t 17 year old girls handle their own barf issues? What age do Mom’s say “No thank you on the barf?”

<-Boulanger "plunger"

I sit in my chair and devise a plan. I look every where for a wire hanger. I found a lowly wire hanger in the recesses of the laundry room and pull it out as straight like a make shift sink snake. I "plunged" the sink the best I could. Plunged being more like pushed the smelly saliva noodles further down the drain. Must remember to put drano on David’s shopping list. With any luck he will not find out because knowing someone barfed and blew chunks in an area where you brush your teeth is a real gross out and I’m afraid it would not end pretty for her. Oh well, it all went further down. Got a half gallon of bleach to go down with no undue chunks holding anything up and with any luck David will be none the wiser. The funny thing is she blames the smell of bleach on making her tummy sick. She hates the smell. When I smell bleach I think CLEAN. 17 and I'm still doing the barf?

Gre, Regrets and what the hell?

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I wonder if lack of words means something? Nah, truth be told I have just been everywhere with my emotions and don't want to write only when I'm in a terrible state mentally.

It Depresses the heck out of me to read my prior posts. I'm now having more good days than bad days. I still miss “my(past) people” but realize that my family that is still alive needs me. Not just “ME” but functioning, cleaning, organizing, singing crazy songs “Me” back. Let’s see where to begin.

Dogs, we will start with the dogs. I have the cutest most precious little babies right now. I sit on the floor and play with them for hours. For anyone who doubts the power of a dogs love can ask me all about it. Dogs really love unconditionally and sometimes you need them in your lap, licking your ear, kissing your face, nibbling on your nose and then curling up in a little ball and lay their heads next to yours under the covers. Better than sex almost. So enduring, nothing expected back… just LOVE> Unearned, unmerited Love.

Now onto the kids. Chase passed another Microsoft test and has only one more to go before he is done for three years. No more computer software tests. Must feel nice when he keeps getting raises and such a feeling of accomplishment for him. I talked to Mory and the wedding is still being planned for July. WOW. My first son is going to be getting married this year. I know she wants babies quickly too. I feel two ways about that. Actually, I only feel one way about that I HATE that they live in Santa Barbara and will probably not find as good a job here in Oregon and might have their babies down there and without me. I want to be there for everything with the babies.

I want to experience what it feels like to be a new grandma. Not the once or twice a year grandma. /. I want to baby sit, I want to change stinky ass diapers. I want to go shopping, hold hands in the parking lot, take to the library and hopefylly instill the love of reading, read books together, walk to school, do home work together, coach them in their sports programs. From here I cannot do that. Everyone who knows anyone needs to think if they know someone looking to hire a computer network engineer. That is what Chase is and he would move back home if he can make a living.

Cody went to Corvallis for his pharmacy school interview. He thinks he is a shoe in. Most of the other applicants were Asian women. WHY? Cuz OSU gets 3-4 X the regular in state tuition's. Smart business wise. Get the students who pay the most. He feels very confidant that he is going to be accepted into the Masters Program and that he and Erica are headed up there in the Fall. I'm proud of him but wish he was more humble just in case he doesn't get in. I raised them to be brilliant, kind, Loving and I guess I forgot humble. Yep, I forgot that. Pharmacists tend to be arrogant so he will fit right in. Too smart for his own britches. My kids are A+++ My Kids are better than yours and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Who is arrogant now?

Colton applied to the PhD program at Uof O and didn't get called/emailed for an interview. 400 applicants-2 slots. I cried the first day I found out. I know that is not a very supportive thing for me to do. It is just that he is the youngest son who works hard at doing everything right. 3.96 VP of psychology club. Volunteered at the Middle school for “At risk” youth. Sculpted his whole education the past two years to so closely match what the schools research and area’s of interest lie. This kid works harder than both of his brothers and he is the one that has to wait. He thinks he needs more ‘research’ time to be considered for next years pool of applicants. He has a big plan, he thinks it all out. Budgets his money, plans for car insurance, food, etc. He is going to move up to Eugene and get a job and do research for the professors if he can. He knows what he is doing.

Why can't I accept that. My son is top 1%. How could the acceptance committee overlooked him? He is going to be successful regardless of what I do. I would be willing to move to Eugene and work for free if they would let him in the program. Crazy huh? I believe in all of my kids and find it astonishing that any group can't see it. Did he brag enough in his letter? He is after all just 19 and graduating with a Bachelor’s. Wasn't that sufficient proof of his dedication? Not just graduating, graduating with honors. 3.96 and not easy classes either. His GRE scores were through the roof. How can they overlook his score? He bought books 2 years before he knew he had to take the test and studied every single night. Made flash cards and diligently worked them. This kid put in the time…. Now he has to wait. Pisses me off really. He wants/needs me to back off and all I can do is research what he can do to prepare for next years application. Maybe he should have bragged instead of being so humble all of the time. HE JUST TURNED 19 AND IS GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE....

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I should butt out. Jeez, did I just type that? Yes, I will butt out. I don't know enough about what the schools need the applicants to have. I just know what my kids have and that is integrity, tenacity, desire and brains. We will sit back now and watch what they do. Moms need to learn to butt out.

Then the thought occurred to me. (Okay, it didn't actually occur to me at all. My sister called to share her thoughts with me) While I'm busy trying to fix this God has a different plan altogether and no amount of research on my part will change the outcome. . Maybe while I'm being disappointed God has something else in mind for him and I'm getting in His way. I suppose it makes sense. Still, I go crazy looking over the entire Internet trying to find out more information.

Colton has accepted the idea of waiting another year to reapply to grad school. Why am I freaked out? Should he get his Master’s while he waits? Will that hurt him because the school’s program includes a Masters degree on his way to PhD? Is there a Momthers anonymous in a area close by? I want my kids to have it better than me. It is more than “want,” actually, it is a serious need. I need my kids to have it better than I do.

Colton, my handsome son with his best girl, Jaclyn

Colton’s girlfriend, Jaclyn will be attending the college he will eventually attend. They both plans and goals and I'm impressed with their tenacity. She is a lovely young woman who I'm beginning to know. Her parents should be very proud of the job they have done with her. She is respectful, follows all the rules and is honorable.

My biggest personal regret is not finishing college. I should have been a Doctor right now. (Not a pretend Doctor like I play in my own mind.) Then if I spend any time cracking it all down, I would not have met my husband, had the same kids and my life wouldn't be what it is. I wouldn't trade a day without one of my kids. I do know that these kids are gifts from God to me. I take the stewardship of them very seriously. I know that some day I have to answer to God on how I raised them. Frankly, that scares the hell out of me. What did I do with what He gave me?

Caiti graduates from High School the beginning of March. She will continue at the local college here. She likes the community college aspect of being local. I hope she takes a drama class, she is so good at acting, memorizing and has zero fear on the stage. This Fall I will almost be alone. Just David and I. Caiti part time and I'm scared to death. I hate to hear the boys talking about budgets, moving away etc. It feels like a stab in my heart. I'm going to miss them something fierce. My whole life is in them. I think that the emptying nest syndrome should be talked about more than it is because as the kids leave part of your heart leaves too. The dogs will help me. They always do.

Gigi, my Father's dog.

This house is too big for just us when they leave. I want a smaller house. Same amount of land but less house. Much less house. I say that and then realize that if I don't have enough beds the kids won't come visit because let’s face it no floor is comfortable no matter where you are.

Guess typing this has cleared my mind a bit. I really do need to stop obsessing about this and that I actually need to allow the kids to make their own ways and that having big, bad Mommy is not always a good thing. Damn, I hate growing up.