It's only Tuesday??

Well, yesterday I woke up at like 4:30 AM. Most of you know I don't go to sleep until around 2:30 AM. My dad is on a screwy schedule and has been on one all the years I have taken care of him. So, not much sleep. I had to go to Salem for the HB 2470. The legislature is trying to pass a bill against all dog breeders. The bill sucked. We went to talk to all the congressmen and I made some friends. The drive up was so relaxing as I got to sit in the back of Roger and Donna Robert's nice new car. I relaxed in the back seat sipping my coffee the whole while getting more nervous as the miles pressed ever closer. Once we got there we realized we had been waiting in the wrong room, about 300 other breeders showed up. It was nice to be amongst friends. OF course there were a few people wearing "Stop Puppy Mill" dresses looking all whorish when they matched the shirt with a black mini skirt. It was standing room only and the legislatures realized that they didn't really know what they were trying to do. I didn't have to give a speech after all and I was grateful for that. I made lots of friends with people around us and had a good time. I was so glad to get home. When I was at the State Capital I was amazed by the amount of staff it takes or seemingly takes to run the show. I also realized that Rep. Paul Holvey did not write the bill, his chief legislative aide did. I basically found out the clowns are running the assylum. LOL

I'm all for shutting down puppy mills. I think that they should be shut down. But, in the same sentence I want it said that all breeders aren't puppy mills. It is not the quantity of dogs you have but the quality of care that they recieve. I'm tired tonight, been working hard all day.

Cody found a nice place in Medford to live. I'm so happy he found a suitable place. His commute to school is going to be so much less. Driving all the time is a boring endeavor.

I have a beautiful merle smooth coat Chihuahua getting ready to whelp a litter of YorkiChi's any day now. I have a Maltese getting ready to whelp as well as a PomChi litter. Lot's of excitement here. My son Colton, so graciously tried to help me make a new web site as he said my web site was cheesy and so "unprofessional". He made me a new one and it seemed so "sterile" to me. I got like 38 emails saying "Hate what you've done with the place". SO, we redid the site the old way, changed a few things, tweaked a few pages and viola... It is back to what you know. I had no idea people would hate the changes.

TOmorrow the contractor comes out to start work on the room. I can't decide if we should make it into an office, spare bedroom. It had been Cody's room and now that he is gone we can make lots of changes. Guess that is it for tonight, my Tylenol Pm's are kicking in. I'm so excited to go see my friend, Marty on Saturday.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

If you have noticed Colton has changed my web site. I don't know how to change it now. I'm at his mercy. I hate to be at anyones mercy. I mean it bothers the crap out of me. I hate to ask others for help. I hate hand outs, I hate hands up. I want to do everything myself. I'm just like that. When I want to do something I don't want anyone to tell me NO. Or make it so I can't do it myself as in the web site. There are big changes happening in my life. BIG changes.

For one big change, Cody moved out and has found himself a place in Medford to live. We are so excited for him. I can remember when I moved out. I was thrilled to death, scared as hell, thrilled to death, scared.. What a wonderful time in his life. Becoming the man he has dreamt hof all his life. He is so much closer to Ashland (Where he goes to school full time) and it will really shorten his travel time. We knew he hated the commute and hopefully will get a job in Medford at one of the Albertson's pharmacy's..

Colton will miss driving with him and he and Caitlin along with me and David will miss him something fierce at the house. He is a wonderful, honest young man and I'm so very proud to be his Mom. He is brilliant and will learn to know what he needs to know when it is time for him to know. He is 20 and his moving out was bound to happen sooner rather than later. I'm glad he didn't really quit playing the online game WOW. That is his connection to his brothers. You take that away from him and he loses the link. The family link he shares with his brothers and Mory, my future daughter-in-law. Now I still have 2 left at home so I will QQ. He knows he is always welcome home. Our home is always open should he need it. Going out on your own is expensive.

I missed Valentina today. I was looking through the weekend ad's and saw a drink she always bought and it brought a tear to my eye. She was real. Not fake, a real person. What you see is what you got. I miss that in my life. Honesty, hard to come by nowadays. I'm so thankful I had the time with her that I got. God smiled on me the day we were introduced.

Tomorrow we are having our first annual "Nail party". We hired a nail technician and she is coming over and putting nails on all of us girls. I called and emailed friends I haven't kept in contact with because I was busy talking to the air and acted like I didn't need them. Too many excuses why we couldn't get together. Anyways, tomorrow we are having pizza, lots of candy, soda (Diet Pepsi) and we are going to use some of the acrylics I bought last year. I'm looking forward to it. I have missed being around my friends for a long time. I can't allow myself to get too busy and forget who has always been there for me. Turning my back on them is inexcusable and I'm glad they don't hold grudges. A girl really cannot have too many friends. I will post pictures.

Tonight David called me because he couldn't get the truck to start. He had tried to jump start it to no avail. I picked him up and brought him home. He was so bummed thinking it might be time to say "GOODBYE" tou our truck he felt as if we were losing a good friend. We have had the truck longer than most of our kids. It has seen us with the good, the bad and the ugly. Anyway, he came home, finished his paper for school and sat racking his brain.

We had just bought a new battery because the shop told us it only had 4o% left and maybe that was the problem he was having. Well, to make a long story short he put something on the cables in the inside that is supposed to be on the outside. He had Colton drive him back to town and wiped it off and viola... started right up. We can only accept one loss a week. LOL. I found this quote and thought it to be what I'm working on right now.

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

(That is a nice way for me to say "I'm better than that." Oh, I still think it, just don't say it. Eventually it goes away. Good thoughts replace the bad thoughts.)

It is Thursday again. Pearls before swine and acceptance

Today was the big going to the grange day to get my shavings and dog food and the ever so cute pair of earrings. I walked past this sign and it bore truth. I pray for other peoples and should be praying to change myself. We have had some changes here lately and surprisingly I'm good with it. It is sure hard to let the kids go but sometimes depending on outside influences and choices it becomes easier on a parent. All we can do is pray for our kids and go from there. Ultimately it is their choices and even though we have more life experiences and we know our kids know better they still do what they do and then we have to sit back and support them and pray that God honors their desires. I'm looking so forward to my son, Chase and his fiance' to come up and spend a week. Yippee! I feel so close to Mory and it feels good.


Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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My Wednesday!!

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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I love my family.

I don't want to get out of bed. Stayed up way too late playing board games. Never laughed so hard at charades. Oh and Logan is an incredible chess player. Going to make a pot of coffee and start the day out with coffee, my one true friend. LOL






This picture is one my brother took.
Www.pup4me.com

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WOW what a day!!

Today has been a most relaxing day. I trimmed all my dogs toe nails, gave everyone their yearly booster shots. I have a new litter of PomChi's coming up, and a litter of YorkiChi's. I'm very excited about them. Things are starting to pop up in the yard. Yeah for Spring coming. More outside time.

We hired a contractor to work on the room in my house I ruined with the hose. Yes, I did flood it. Oh well, now we can't decide what to do with it. Office? Extra bedroom/Guest room? I have an idea, I can put all the shit on top of shit in there and get out of the hot water with my hubby for having too much stuff. Problem with that is that after I fill it up with shit where do I put the rest of the stuff?

Caiti has been keeping us all up to date with her East Coast travels. Tonight she is at the Washington Monument. She sent us a picture. I'm so thankful she is getting this opportunity to travel. She is taking hundreds of pictures. We are going to have a slide show when she gets back and a kicking ass BBQ. All the peeps are coming. David is going to grill steaks and shrimp. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. She is the sunshine of my day. In the past I have spent my time being busy with things of little consequence and she has been all but ignored. It's all "the damn strays" I bring home all the time. It is their fault. Not mine. LOL. Anyway, if you would like an invite call or email. I just want to say publicly that I'm sorry. I have always put other people ahead of her in importance in my life and I had no idea how hurt she was. Talk about putting your pearls before swine.

We are all in a state of transition here at my house. It is in these transitions where we learn who matters and who doesn't, where loyalties lie and about ourselves and our own personal need to grow and change and these changes challenge all the things we thought we knew. Repeat after me, transitions/changes are good. God is in charge and we just watch what he is trying to teach us because when we don't listen to Him, he talks louder.

Sometimes God takes away things that harm us. Sometimes he gives us more than we want. I hate this whole acceptance thing. I'm not good at it. I do forgive but I never forget. I think that is how most American's are. We are a selfish group of people who only think of ourselves and what we want instead of what is better for another person. Make sense? We only get to see things from our side, we don't see the "big picture." I am praying for acceptance this week and gratitude. I'm so thankful for certain things and forget to say thank you. When things suck I'm all over God. When he allows great stuff to happen to me or a family member I forget to be thankful. I am so thankful. I really am.

Colton helped me make a new web site. Take a look at it. I'm very proud of the job he is doing. It is not all the way done but I have enjoyed sitting next to him on the couch and watch him work his wonders. http://www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com/

Monday night

Well it is Monday and I have been very productive. Made the most awesome chicken garlic mozzareli penne pasta. Might be better if I had some garlic bread too. Got some V8 from Costco and Lysol wiped. Big deal.

Below is the most beautiful macadamia white chocolate cookies with a little tad bit of Hershey candy bar on top. Eat your heart out. Kim, my sister, is out of the hospital again. Whew!!


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IT IS THURSDAY! THAT IS WHAT MAKES MY DAD HAPPY!

My father has no money to speak of. He can't really buy anything even if he wanted to. Yet every Thursday like clock work he starts at 5:30 in the morning asking if it is indeed Thursday. For you see, Thursday is "Nickle Day" in our house.

He reads EVERY SINGLE AD. Rv's, Cars, Pets, Trades, and Farm equipment. All day long he reads the paper. It is good that it keeps his mind busy but then I get to hear about all the good deals we are missing out on. My house is so full of shit now. My husband claims loudly that he builds me a new table and I pile "Shit" on it. Then I pile shit on top of that shit and so on and so forth. I have too much crap already. More than a person should have. I'm going to start going through decorations/seasonal stuff and taking them to the Good Will. I have too much stuff. He (my husband) is right. I have too much stuff/shit. Nickle day it turns out is the only day of the week where I'm sure I'm absolutely right on the day.

Caiti is leaving today for the East coast. I'm so excited for her. I mean I am practically peeing my pants for a child of mine going that far away and having an experience so great as she is doing. I went to North Valley High School at graduated in 1981. (Yes, I'm hecka old-already established) She is going with the Hidden Valley High School History club. She worked hard and earned so much money to go. She wanted to go and worked for it, that makes the trip that much sweeter. I'm also at the same time nervous to have a child THAT far away. What if something happens? I can't just jump in the car and run to her rescue. If she is sick and has to go to the hospital I can't be there. I will have to trust that God will be in charge. I know he is in charge all of the time but needs my assistance. Now isn't that too funny? God needs me for nothing and I'm learning to let things I'm not in control over back. Back? As if I had anything I was really in charge of. I am absolutely insanely in love with my kids.

Speaking of insane, I made a choice months ago to look into something/someone and it hurt another family greatly. I feel horrible about not trusting the adults decisions. Instead I put my nose where it didn't belong and have been dragging my feet about making amends. They were wrong with what they thought and these people are nuts, but I had no right to interfere. Oh wise and great Heather isn't so wise or great. Heather is just Heather.. Warts and all. Okay, not really any warts but growing age spots. Ick. Well, I gotta jump off because my daughter is coming home from school early so we can make sure she has all things ready. (Yes over zealousness is a ugly thing.) LOL

What is not said.

Here is a tidbit I have learned in my old age. I'm really not THAT old.. somewhere between the good times and the bad times and the all done times. I believe I am more than half way done. What have I done with my 45 years?

Sometimes it is what is not said but you already know to be true that is the reality. Not trying to be esoteric here, just saying sometimes when things are true and they are not spoken it does not make them any less true. I'm sure if you have any age on you that you know what i'm talking about.  Whenever I think evil or bad thoughts they have a way of finding me out. In my deeds or actions or lack thereof. When playing with the big boys you need to know the rules and sometimes age counts....a lot.  Your unkind words always manifest themselves even with silence. There are big changes ahead for us. Big and scary changes. I'm going to roll with the punches this time, it ain't about me.

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Liars, Hospitals, and my little list.

Be thankful in all things. Be diligent in all endeavors. Being truthful and honest is it's own reward. Liars and cheats always expose themselves. If you are a liar and deceiver someone eventually let's you know. Pretending is even worse. Don't ever pretend to be that which you are not. Constantly try to be better. I have a personal philosophy I try to practice in my brain and that is about retribution. I always think to myself before acting out "I'm better than that/them etc." Whether it be a discourtesy to me, a mean or unkind word. I can always get you back but that makes me no better than you and then my personal motto is nothing. If I practice what I say then you will get yours but not from me. I'm not all into karma and all that bull shit. I do however believe in life sometimes you get yours but I'm not around to see. I don't want to see because when you get "yours" I will feel sorry for you as I am a sucker. A little deed here and another deed there all add up to something. Whether you are doing good or harm to another it all counts.

1. Don't steal from churches.

2. Don't lie to your family/boyfriends/girlfriends and anyone else you consider family.

3. At the end of the day, the family you are born to, is all you have left.

4. Dogs make the best friends. They will always love you unconditionally.

5. Never take for granted when God speaks. If you don't listen he talks LOUDER.

6. Don't shut yourself down to new idea's/people/relationships.

7. There is always a plan, most of the time there is no itinerary.

8. Your kids grow up and move away quicker than you know.

9. Hospitals suck! This one is self explanatory!!

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Going home.

I'm hoping they will let Dad come home tomorrow. I believe I know what has been going on with him and it isn't pretty or easily fixed. It requires a whole different lifestyle. I'm tired. I would like to sleep in my bed even if for just one night before my bed is the recliner in the living room. Ciao


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I know what "IT" is I think.

Yes I'm awake. I'm more tired than awake. 

This feeling is quite a queer feeling actually.  Father seems more delirious this morning. He asks over and over if it is raining? He likes to hear the rain on our metal roof when it rains. He is babbling about this and that. He rested a little last night albeit not much. He does not like the hospital because he can't get comfortable in the bed. ICU beds are tough, as they have to be sterilized a lot. People die every day in here I think. He is back to wanting to rip everything off his body. Considering the fact he has 25 leads from here to there is the main thing he wants gone. He is buck naked except for a light weight sheet. When I say "Light weight" I mean so used up it is almost transparent. I think a transparent sheet tells you our state of economy...Poor. The room has to be kept so cold for him to be comfortable I sit looking out at the beautiful day that i'm not part of and am snuggled in the same blanket that Valentina liked and used. I made it, it is fleece, bright reds, purples and oranges.  

I figured ”it” out. I will tell you how. In this unit you have to walk like 1/4 mile to use the restroom. Then you have to call on a phone every time to announce who you are, who you are here to see and wait to  be allowed to come back in. (Why was it designed this way? No bathrooms in the patient rooms? I would sue the architect it is asinine not to have restrooms in the unit. It takes a whole employee to monitor ins and outs.) Anyhow, when I go out I'm usually going to try and stay out ten minutes because I feel embarrassed calling. Usually within this time frame another person will come out or another family will show up and use the phone and either way I can sneak in behind them without having to use the 'Please let me in phone'. This morning while I was in the “circling the door” mode I realized something.

When I was a very young girl (6) my dad had 67% of his body burned in a fire. He was a mechanic at the time and thought he had poured a cup of water in the cup he was carrying to the car that he was currently working on.  A new guy had mistakenly put gasoline in the "water" jug and a spark from a car hit the cup and well the rest is history. I was the one who answered the phone when the hospital (my dad was admitted to) called and told us to come to the hospital as it was urgent. I got my Mom out of the shower and I don't remember much except the staff pushing across the desk all my dad's personal effects in a big manilla envelope. Giving my mom my father’s “Valuables” I instinctively knew was a bad thing. A very bad thing indeed. He was hospitalized for months. He was burned so bad.  Back in the olden days they didn't have the burn patient knowledge they have now. Wherever he would sit or lay down on would stick to his exposed skin and each time he had to get up it peeled skin off. Agonizing screaming were what we would hear. They would amp him up on Morphine but were too afraid to give him enough. It was horrendous as a child to see and hear your father in constant and undeniable pain. I remember on Christmas morning that year, they allowed my Mom to bring him home for a whole hour. It was such a joyous day. I also remember being allowed to sneak into his room late at night. Kids were not to be seen nor heard. (This is not the “ah-ha” part- Just some background)  

Now this is the epiphany, I realized it this morning. (Yes, I was in fact once again in the “circling the door” mode.) I was standing outside with a hot cup of coffee, complimentary dontcha know. It never tastes like much, but it is hot and the sign says does in fact say it is "coffee." I was watching the ER from the floor above and seeing the people in that unit who are really hurt, bleeding, barfing whatever and I feel sorry for them. This hospital is slow. What is slow you ask me now? I don't know. There is no time limit in my mind unless it is one of "my people" needing to be seen. Does that make sense? If it is one of  "My people" it takes forever. If I'm observing from above the Emergency room  all the workings below seem to be going at an even clip.  As if it is as if  all very fine tuned below. Triage than treat in order of patient need. Okay, still not to the point. 

 Yesterday when the ambulance came to my house to pick up my Dad (I have never called 911 before) and I heard the big engines roaring down my long driveway I freaked out. Not screaming, panicking, more like the direness of the situation. I think in my mind if  the fire trucks and ambulance are called to come to your home it is somehow more serious. This time was no more serious than any of the other times I have had to bring him to TRCH  except this time I'm tired. I couldn't even phathom the idea of trying to get him into my car to bring him here without help. I am spent. We (Colton and I) had to come through the front entrance to ER and not through the ambulance side. Once Colton parked the car and I pulled out my wallet, a book and both my phones each step that I took closer to the doors of the hospital was more agonizing than the one before. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. It wasn't like I was panting, singing, crying, screaming, feeling faint anything like that. 

 I realized that my mind and body did NOT want to be here. I hate this hospital. I know this hospital like an old friend. Last year I think I spent 15-17 days with my Father. My sister (to whom I do not speak) was in here for at least a week (bringing total hospital nights up to nearly 3 weeks) and I was here every second.  Add my surgery and doctor/hospital visits and you see where I’m going. Hate the smell of antiseptic they use, hate the way my boots sound walking on the marble/concrete floors. 

You see, a long time ago when I moved back to Grants Pass from Fort Bragg California my sister (Hope) and I pledged to never have to be alone at the hospital. When I lived in FB I didn't have any family so all emergencies were mine and David's alone. So when we moved back we made a pledge that whenever anything happened with one of my kids I'd call her and if anything happened to her kids I came no questions asked. To have a sister by your side meant you would get through it. I think that with us sisters we have had to cling to each other and try to be the Mom to one another. That calming face, the "you aren't alone" feeling. It means that to be a “Boulanger” you  always have to come no matter the time of day… you go.  It's just what being a Boulanger represents to each other.  It is weird to speak of my maiden name always like it has it's own entity but it really does. Being a "Boulanger" is a special thing. Not many of us left. So, if you are "lucky" enough to be a Boulanger it means that you love with all you have, try to be friends with everyone, help others when they need it no matter what and come to the aid of your friends forever. We are fixers, doers. I hate to hear about anything I can't fix. Like the starving children, the women getting raped in other countries. I don't like to hear about it. Not because I am in denial that it happens but it makes me crazy that people in our country don't think we should get into other nations "civil rights." I am far from a woman libber. I'm not a "libber" at all. I just get so frustrated with things that are out of my control. OmG I’m a control freak. 

Oh my gosh, I promised my epiphany and I regressed again. (The nurse just came in to give me my Dad report. We know no more than we did last night. Do we have to pay without a diagnosis?) Anyway, when I was a kid my Mom's Mom, Alyce was in and out of the hospital my entire childhood. We went with our Mother, trapsing behind her day after week after year. They would release my grandmother just to have to re-admit her the next week. Grandma Macy had cancer. They took out her bladder now she had to get a pee bad, they took out her colon now she has a poop bag. (I do know the medical terms for each but would rather keep it as what I thought as a child) My Mom and her sisters always showed up in force. 

We kids were so acutely aware of the hospital it was like being home. We knew all the nurses, the doctors and they would even bring us homemade snacks from home. They brought board games and would bring us cold drinks. We would ride up and down and up and down in the elevators for hours to try and sheer off even an hour or so of daily hospital boredom. We began to visit the other patients there and began to feel like the hospital was ours. I can remember one year my Mom had planned a huge Luau with about 30 friends and right in the middle of her elaborate party we got "the call" and away we went to the hospital again, leaving all of her friends behind to enjoy the party. 

 I know, I know I'm still not to the epiphany. I realized that I have been built for this care giving from a young age. I have probably (actually know for sure) that I have spent more time in hospitals during my lifetime than in any church, any college classes, any trips to or from delivering dogs. I will never ask God again "Why Me?" As I realized with all assuredly that he built me for this. He made me who I am so I could do this. This gross terrible thing of being at the hospital all of the time means and represents to me. 

I will accept, and I mean truly accept that this is where I belong. Why not me? I'm hating the realization but I realize this is ME. I hope I've put into words what I wanted to write. I wanted to see it in print that I am handing over my will to the great one. I am surrendering my doubts and feelings of "woe is me" and instead saying.... Let's roll. I always tease and say "I'm a doctor in real life" and most of the time I'm just kidding.  Sometimes, I feel like I am a Doctor. (No not Doctor Kevorkian either)  

My oldest sister, Kim called me last night. She had breast cancer in 2005 and has being fighting infection after infection since. We are talking deep and utter sickness and infection. The kind of infection that sends you to your knees. 

Last month when I was up in Portland for Bonne (The little sister who just had a double radical mastectomy) we found out that Kim has developed "Cellulites" in one of her calves. I told her in all my "Doctor" reading that what she had was serious. Deadly serious. She still went to work and took "Care of her business" like she likes to say a thousand times a day. "You have to take care of your business". Back to last night. She has been on an IV that she keeps going day and night for two weeks. Last Monday they put in a picc line. That is right in the neck area. Well her Doctor phoned her last night and told her a nurse was on her way to Kim's house because the cellulitis has spread and she is worried sick about Kim. They are giving her IV Pushes now (I must have missed that class in med school) and if her cellulitis is not significantly better that she will have to be hospitalized again…AGAIN. She told me that she is tired of fighting all the infections related to the killer chemotherapy and radiation that burned up her complete immune system to which she has never covered fully. She is only 50 and has been wrought with infection after infection since her cancer. She did the chemo and the radiation and has had deep infections ever since then. I'm going to be 46 this September and Can't imagine being "too tired" to fight any more. 

 

If I put toothpicks in my eyes could I fix the damage?

I don't mean like poke myself in the eyes. I mean like to stay awake with toothpick eyelids?

I wanted to blog tonight. I'm too damn tired. Needless to say we are at the hospital again with my Dad. I have decided that he won't die. God knows  what I can and can't handle and one death a week is more than enough. Keep good thoughts, if you are the praying type please keep me in your prayers. So far what we know is he had a heart attack, has a significant UTI and was extremely dehydrated. I'm more than tired. I still am not done grieving for Valentina. I'm just tired. Yesterday was the worst day of my entire life. I felt terrible. I mean terrible. I was mad at God, mad at anyone who didn't see things my way and didn't appreciate that which I do have. I will blog about that I promise. Suffice it to say I'm lucky to have what I have and oh I'm going to say this next thing even if tonight I'm doubtful of it. "IF God brings me to he will see me through it." I heard that from a friend and tonight I say Bull Shit. Tomorrow I may feel differently but hey, it is always about being real. Dad kept me up all night last night. Calling me to his room every five minutes. Ciao

Green beaded bracelets and sisterhood.

Oh yes, this is indeed the Heather Christian you know and hopefully love.

I am in fact wearing long pants. Notice however the rebel in me still wore

my cowboy boots. I wore pants for Valentina. Oh, that is not a sacrifice Heather you are thinking to yourself. Big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I haven't wore pants in at least 10 years. Shorts/Skorts etc. Nothing on my legs even in the winter and even when there is snow on the ground. One of the only things Valentina asked me was if I would "Please wear pants to her funeral." How can I turn down a dying friend? I said "Sure" forgetting that I'm claustrophobic to pants. Heavy breathing, feeling enclosed, not able to get the fabric off of my legs etc. It felt weird. Really weird. I would have walked through fire for her so I reckon pants was a small promise to keep. If you think you will see me again in pants I have something to say... "Dream on."

The funeral was today. Thus the need for pants. It was a Catholic service. This was my first Catholic funeral. So different than anything I have been to before. Lots of sitting and standing with the pants rubbing against my legs. Sacrifice so small for a person so great. Sergio stood up at the end and thanked everyone for loving his mother as much as we all obviously did. I miss her here. I don't miss seeing the pain in her eyes, the fight that brought her to her knees, I miss the smiles.

****Green sisterhood bracelets****

The last smile that I saw was when Erica gave her and I all three matching green crystal beaded bracelets she had made. Bracelet sisters and she smiled and the whole room lit up. That was the last smile I saw. When I went to "View" the body of my dear friend the morticians had so thoughtfully left the bracelet on and made sure it was not tucked up under her lapel. I walked up and saw the bracelet glistening and it matched mine and I felt her love once more. I don't know what is to become of the green bracelets. I plan to wear mine until the beads corrrode off or it breaks. It is a reminder of how she touched my life. No, I'm not making it an idol, just a reminder.

Through out this whole thing we have had the best hospice nurses. Tiffany is the one that brought us the most comfort and knowledge. She made us feel at peace and comfortable with our endeavors. I can't thank her enough. It was scary at times and she was the calm voice on the other end of the phone. Thanks be to Tiffany. This is officially the last "Valentina only" blog. I feel at peace. I could not have taken such good care of her without Erica. Erica was there every step of the way. I thank God for Erica every day. I will miss Valentina, but today when I sat in my chair next to Erica (After changing my clothes of course) I felt at peace. I got to tell you, Peace is priceless.

With that I wish you ado.

It is finished. My God, she is gone.

Well, here it is after eleven at night and I'm still up. I'm exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. I mean fully drained.

Erica and I sat in the room where Valentina lay in a coma and sang songs to her, prayed every prayer we could find on the Internet. We sang so many songs I practically know them all by heart. We sat on her bed rubbing her feet, massaging her legs and anointing her with oil. Hours spent helping her prepare to leave this earth. You know, something strange happened to me for all the hours spent on the end of her bed, I sang really loud not ashamed of my bad singing voice. I know that God doesn't care about my pitch, I sang with my heart. It felt good, actually a relief to be free with the songs as a final gift to my friend.

It is a relief she is gone, I know she is not suffering any more. Nothing is worse than watching it. She was a hero in my book. She tried so hard to keep upbeat, to not take medicine, to try and meditate out the pain etc. Oh, I also know it is not for me. Please keep me doped up. I'm a chicken and if it is my last days I don't want to be suffering

The main thing I found was about myself. When I ask the question "Why me?" whenever I am called upon to be a caregiver, I'm actually making it about me. This had nothing to do with me. When I try to figure out why me? I’m losing focus on what it is I need to be doing. I gave her that which she asked for.. a peaceful place surrounded by those that loved her. We did it. I promised her "together to the end." All my family members were not with me on this. It didn’t matter, I gave my word and I stood my ground. Everyone sacrificed. She had my all in all. I shouldn’t be made to be ashamed to do what I do and yet I’m always made to feel like I have done something wrong. Caiti sacrificed by allowing (actually I didn’t give her a choice) her to stay in her room and bunk with her brothers and Erica. She has never had to share as she is the baby and the only girl. I plan to repaint her room and get her maybe a new window.

When the people came from the mortuary to pick her up they came in a mini van. I imagined the hearse from days of old. He showed up in a purple van. A van much like my own. Now when I see a van I'm going to wonder if it is in fact a death van. If you have not heard a song by Michael W. Smith called "I can only imagine". You need to download it and hear it. It is the song I have heard in my dreams, in my wake hours as well. I know this blog is all over the place but I'm all over the place in my mind. i have to find some pants now. Valentina asked me specifically to wear pants to her funeral. That will be the last thing I can do to honor her. I feel like wearing a skort because it is me. Not me trying to be something else, I feel claustrophobic something fierce in pants. I mean terrible claustrophobic. Tomorrow I will be onto something else. So much has been happening with all things Princess Petunia. Thank you God for taking Valentina home. We are not in charge and thank you for the reminder that it isn’t about me and never has been. This might be my last blog about Valentina. I’m sure I have said more than you have ever wanted to hear. Pray for her…. And me.

Just another day in paradise.

***March 2009***
Valentina got more flowers today. She was so pleased when they came. So many people love her. I hope and pray that someday my life/my choices will have mattered. Everyone is here for a reason and no one knows what their purpose is or if and when they fulfill the purpose.

Valentina and Erica today

I know in this life, I won't develop any cures for any illnesses. I know I have a small circle of friends and family that I can hope to impact. I hope when I'm gone people remember that I always do what I think is right. Even if it embarrasses me, I try to be better than I know myself to be. I know I won't come up with a super breed of dogs that are without health issues. I know a lot of things, but I also know that I really know nothing. I am just a cog in the wheel. I won't achieve anything heroic in my life time. I won't save my Country. I will know my biggest accomplishment is what I leave behind with my children and hopefully grandchildren. That is enough for me. Oh, and making the public aware that Oregon is God’s Country and then not letting them move here.

I used to think that I would like to know when it is my turn to die. Lately I have been thinking "not so much". I have seen the suffering, I have seen the shock and horror of it. We have been face to face lately and I would like to pass. I'm acutely aware of cancer like it breathes in my own nostrils. I had my breasts removed so I could give myself the "average" chance of developing breast cancer. I think dying in your sleep is the way to go. Vote me in on that okay?

You can read this article if you are curious.

http://www.oregonlive.com/special/index.ssf/2008/02/family_ties_boulanger_curse.html

The link above is a story that was written about my sisters and I that was published in the Oregonian by a very talented journalist and now friend, Julie Sullivan. Rob Finch took all the pictures and is an incredible photographer.

If you read the article You will know where I come from with all of this cancer crap. I'm not brave, I'm truly a coward. Afraid of the "C" word. Knowing that each day comes a chance my sisters or I will be forced to call one another with the news one of us has cancer. Every relative on my Mom's side is DEAD. All from Cancer and the most terrible part is it is carried in our genes. My family has sacrificed a lot. We have plans, us sisters. So hopefully God doesn't have other plans.

Seeing Valentina sit in the chair next to me, watching as her lungs go in and out all the while listening for the exchange of air in her lungs to be sure she is still alive. Her sickness is overtaking her now. She is looking more gone by the hour. I see heaven in her eyes. Simple things make her smile. I feel so sorry for her son. He is 22 and doesn't know anything really. He is smart but doesn't even know the questions he will want to know later on in life. God brought them to me as neighbors now we are together in the end. It is so wonderfully strange how God works through us to do what he needs to have done. We helped raise him and he knows we love him.

There is so much suffering.. more than I can see. There is so much in front of me now I sometimes think I'm not strong enough to go to the next hurdle. You know, every 2 hours I set my alarm to wake up so I can give Valentina a pain pill. When the little alarm rings it literally makes me ill to have to walk to the “that” room that houses her body. When I open the door ever so quietly I secretly hope she is still alive. (I hope she is still alive.) Why would I hope she is alive? She is suffering so bad right now. Why wouldn't I be praying for God to take her? I do pray for that but with each alarm my heart skips a beat. I think she is close to the end and yet I can't divert my eyes from her, I can’t help but to stare constantly at her. She is almost in a coma so I'm not being rude looking at her. I see Jesus when I look at her. Not the skeletal remains of what she is now, but the person and woman that she is. No poop/blood vomit today. Lots of spills and a little more gone mentally, but no barf. Thank you Jesus for that. She is closer to God with every breath. I can just sit and wonder what he is revealing to her.
Looking for just a hint of Him.

I can tell you that Valentina has made a difference in my life. I can see through her life what grace and love can do to a person. She knows how to pick good people to surround herself with. I think anything less would have been a disservice to her. She is so absolutely beautiful to me. I don't see her dying I see her living. I see her surrendering her will. I see angels when I look at her. All the nurses constantly comment on how beautiful she is and that she has such a beautiful aura and it emanates from her body even in this weakened condition. Taking care of her, feeding her, attending to her needs has made me a better person. I have had these long hours of sleeplessness that I have been quiet and had time to listen to the still small voice. I get so busy and hurried in my daily life that I barely sit still. I pray and then set about fixing things etc and never sit back and listen for the answers. So conceited am I. I have to listen very carefully I realize otherwise my own thoughts and ways are all I can hear.

I haven’t been to church in years. I quit going because I am lazy. I would rather sit in my chair and sip coffee and listen to the Pastor out at the Applegate Christian Fellowship. Jon Courson is a gifted teacher. I can't leave my dad and it is the only day I don't have to be on TV so to speak. I can wear my pajama's all day long and not have to put on the "Heather show". It seems so lame when I put on paper that I'm too lazy to be thankful to Christ enough to go to Church. Was raised a Mormon and had to go to church, had to wear a dress, etc. Now, I know God doesn't care what I wear, doesn't care if I put on a dress he is just happy to see me when I make myself available.
What a thought.

Angels are everywhere. They are in my house preparing...

Heaven is just a blink away.....

Today has been a terrible day. Valentina is sicker than ever. She decided that day before yesterday she was feeling "so much better" so she refused her nausea medicine and anxiety/smooth muscle relaxant pills. Yesterday evening she started to barf. Not any ordinary barf (I know, barf is anything but normal under any circumstances) it was actual feces and blood. I don't know what I expected when the hospice people did their whole "Why you want to die at home" presentation. They mentioned that there might be some blood, maybe they mentioned vomit too. Never in the same sentence and certainly not together. I smell death. It doesn't smell good yet I know God is preparing her for her final destination. I wonder... I wonder so much. Watching someone go through this is a harrowing, eye opening, life appreciating journey.

You know the thing about Valentina is she is braver than anyone I have ever had the opportunity to know. Everyone kept telling her to pray to be healed, to pray for strength, to keep fighting the fight and all along she was already doing that. She has had to endure more than anyone I personally know in her life. She sacrificed everything to give her son the "American Dream." She is from the Ukraine and isn't all "Americanized". She is a pure soul, not jaded and nasty. You know she only sees the good in people, never talks nasty, refuses to believe the bad. I know two people that you see God in them all of the time. I mean that...I only know two people who I think are going straight to Heaven. You don't wonder what lies behind their eyes, what motives they have. Valentina is one of those people David's dad is the other person. Honest purity.

You know, when my mom died I remember one of the last things she told me. We were all sitting around the kitchen table, her cheeks were so sunken in and she was quite emaciated as she could keep nothing down and even had difficulty talking and she leaned forward to me and said: "Heather, I would give everything I have ever owned to be hungry just one more time. Just to have anything sound good to me to eat". My Mom would have been willing to give up every earthly possession for the one basic need in life... to eat. That brings back the reality of "You can't take it with you." I think at least I have learned that lesson from my Mom. I don't put a lot of value in "things". If you spill milk on the couch just wipe it up. I don't get mad about accidents. If I have something you want you can probably have it. Things don't matter to me. When you look at life as one great journey it falls short for some people. My Mom died too young, she was only 45. I'm 45 now and am not even close to being ready. I want grand kids, I want more memories. I want... I want it all. I miss my Mom terrible and going through this with Valentina is quite a horrifying experience.

Valentina is at peace with what she is going through. She has said what she needs to say, has said what she wants to say and now sits and rots all the while keeping her spirits up. Every once in a while she will look at me with the look of desperation and tell me "I'm ready to die and be with God". Why am I not ready for her to go? I see her body disintegrating before me and it sickens me to see that such a wonderful person could be made to rot from the inside out. Her muscles are disintegrating and rotting. Why is it that the truly evil and terrible people gets to die in their sleep? Gets a quick painless death? I am struggling with the most incredible headache right now. I'm telling you a bad one. I think maybe waking up every 2 hours to medicate her is affecting my REM sleep. It can't be that I have not had enough caffeine today. That would make me have to admit that I'm addicted to it.


When I die, if I can't eat or drink I have instructed all the kids to chop up steak and stick it between my teeth and when the morticians come they are to find me with steak stuck in my teeth and a shrimp hanging out my mouth. Oh yah, also MUST be holding a diet Pepsi. LOL.

I know my latest blogs have been so depressing but that is where I am. My dad is the least of my worries. He is actually being a good boy and I appreciate it. He notices the change of the mood in the house. He has risen to the occasion and is so much less demanding. He was jealous at first and now realizes that he can share my love.

I feel so ashamed to admit this next part but feel like in order to be honest I need to put it on here so I see it with my own eyes. When Valentina asked me to take care of her I selfishly said to myself over and over "Why me?" I was feeling so sorry for myself because I always find myself taking care of people. I felt ashamed to admit it. (When she asked me I told her "Yes it would be my pleasure".) We pledged to each other "Together to the end." I have seen her eyes light up a few times. When I ask her if she wants the special Guayaki Orange blossom tea she has learned to love and then tonight when Erica made us three matching bracelets. I think this last smile and eyes glistening with glee is going to be her last. I think tomorrow she will be in a coma. I'm not a doctor even though I act like I am. She is jsut so weak. Almost too weak to walk. Can't hardly stand to see her. No one else is here so I'm considering this my last present to her. She loves being at my house. She finally sees why her son, Sergio loved it at my house. It is a family. a crazy, loud and sometimes vulgar group of people coexisting in one house. We love him. I love him. I hope he leans on us when he is ready to surrender the reality too. We love each other so much. We are a real American family and she wishes... well she wishes too late.

I woke up one morning and realized I knew why I am always the one being asked to be the caregiver, and that it is an honor to be trusted with someones life. Someone else in this world trusts me to help them enter the next phase. To have the confidence in me enough to ask me to be with them is enormous. It iss HUGE. I mean I realize it is h.u.g.e. I feel like it is such an honor. I know I have switched gears here but instead of asking myself "Why me?" I had an epiphany and realized "Why not me?" God has put me in the position that makes me available to help others. I feel bad that I always have to go with the first thought. Why me?? I wish I could just grow up and accept my place in the world. I'm a caregiver. Been prepared for it my whole life.

I planned to be a doctor when in college. Actually not finishing college is my most secret regret. I could be a doctor right now. I would never be happy being a nurse, I would want to be in charge of the total patient not the one taking the orders. Then if you think about it on a different level doctors have to make such hard decisions, everyone expects them to have all the answers and yet they fall short so much of the time. I would hate it because I like exacting things. You know A+B=C. Not so many variables and peoples lives in my hands. I think the amount of stress involved would make me nuts. I like dogs. I love dogs. I think the world is a better place because of dogs. I have 4 laying on me right now making it kind of difficult to type. (Big smile here).

My Toshiba is broke now. Luckily I have the Hewlitt Packard back up. Am I hard on electronics?? Why do my cell phones break so much? So much difficulty. That is it for now. I'm not going to second guess everything any more. I'm going to trust that God is in charge of when, how and what with Valentina. If anyone reads this... if I have cancer (sure I do-seems like it lurks everywhere) keep me doped up. Doped up good.

I'm entertaining angels? Yes I am.

No one needs to start off telling me how lame I am at keeping things posted, but I haven't had the time. When I'm down in the trenching I can't see too far beyond my noise. This writing will be of wild and wonderful of tangents, and probably won't make sense to everyone/anyone. I reckon i'm just writing for me. I need to vent.

All is good in the dog world.

My dogs are healthy; nothing weird and I thank God for that.

My plate is full already. What do I mean by that? My Dad is still being ornery as ever. He is crushing my spirit. Yes, I will die first. Yikes! With that being said, I think I should say I love my dad. He just is so mean and unappreciative. Nothing is ever right, not hot enough, not cold enough, too much ice, too little ice etc. You get the picture. Lots of people take care of unappreciative people and i know that it doesn't make me special or have a certain privilege to complain. I hope I'm teaching my children that when our generations get old they don't throw us away. We care for our own families. Except none of my sisters or brother will take my dad. I say "We are better people than that" and go about my day. Sometimes (depending on the amount of sleep I have been allowed to have) I'm actually thankful for the opportunity to be with him. He is mean but I know he loves me. Does that mean I wear the pork chop? He did something right because he is clean, well fed and sassy. One of my kids better belly up to the bar when it is my turn to be old. I will be a nice old person. I know the difference first hand. When he dies I am a real orphan. I'm old enough to understand all of this but sometimes when I am so weary I lose my focus.

**Valentina is a friend**

14 years ago my mean, old neighbor married a woman from the Ukraine who had a son. He was 8 when they moved in next door to me. They spoke no English. We home schooled our children and he learned everything right along with the kids. I love him as if he is my own. Well, we moved out to the country and away from the mean neighbor and his wonderful wife when their son went to college. A few months ago I find out he has divorced her and she is dying from stomach cancer. What a bastard right? It doesn't stop there. She is dying. There is nothing that can be done for her. You know what? I have never heard her shed a tear for herself. Not one. Of course I'm not with her 100% of the time but she has been so kind, appreciate and makes me actually happy to help her. Does that sound weird? I'm enjoying taking care of a dying woman? She is strong, stronger than I would ever be. I would cry and feel so sorry for myself. All the things I would miss out on. The grand kids, the graduations etc. She is weak.. so weak and yet she still tries to do everything for herself. She is just a skeleton now. Nothing but hanging skin on bones and it hurts me to look at her. At the same time I can't stand not to have her in my sights in case she needs something. Not everyone in my life has been happy with my decision to care for her until the end. I don't care. Now that is weird for me as I tend to be the consummate people pleaser. Taking care of her makes me feel loved some how. I see it in her eyes. I hear it when she calls me into her room at three in the morning because she wants to hold my hands and thank God for me in her life. Those things count to me. They count a lot. When my own Mom died I lied in the hospital bed with her as her life was slowly taken from me. I am not wanting to have regrets in my life. I make choices before I consult my immediate family and God knows my heart. I don't understand why I get called in such ways. It is not like I'm out looking for "strays" or people to care for. God brings them to my door. I just... I don't know. Valentina's friends came in number to see us (really her) when she was in the hospital the last time and her other friends have blessed me. She has the most excellent friends. Real women of God. Not phonies, but women who when they say that they are praying for her I believe them. You know, when people say "Oh, I'll pray for you" you wonder if they really will. These women (her friends) are incredible. God blessed her with such wonderful women in her life to make up to her for having such a (I want to type "evil" but can't bring myself to say that word) mean, selfish totally money loving man. Everything to him is about the mighty dollar. Sad, as someday he will have to answer for his behavior. Yikes! Does it sound like I'm judging him? I totally am, that way I don't have to look at me.

I think this blog is rambling along even more that I imagined when I started out because I didn't realize where I would go with it. God. All I can say is God. When I'm up really, really late with my Father and Valentina it is almost like I feel his presence in my life. I feel like he knows what I'm doing and thanks me in the wee hours of the morning. I haven't told any of my business associates of my care giving. I feel ashamed. Like they will judge me. What will they judge me on? Like I'm a patsy? A waste? A person who doesn't say "no?" I don't know why it is. I didn't even realize that I hadn't not told people for a reason. Am I ashamed to take care of the ill? am I afraid to look weak in the minds of my business associates? Now instead of being blessed by this I'm feeling ashamed of myself again. I am empowered when I help someone get what they want and don't what. We cutely call it "Mom is the facilitator" for Valentina.

Guess that is it for now except to say Erica has been such a blessing to me. When I'm totally stressed out or scared by Valentina's pain she comes into the room behind me and assures me I'm doing all the medications right, I'm doing the right stuff, Valentina really is that weak. When I am broken she comes in behind me and reminds me what a privilege it is to care for someone else. Hopefully if Cody marries her she will know how to take over the "Care giver" role. I don't want to go to a nursing home.