My daughter and I went to the hospital in Medford to visit my friend Gina who just had a baby yesterday.
Me holding Reese today.
Very cute little baby I might add here. Anyway, on the way home Caiti and were realizing at the same time that we are going to be alone soon. I have always had the boys home and this is going to be a horrifying experience. Just thinking about them leaving makes me tear up. Logan (My nephew) lives here with us so there will still be 4 in the house and he is good company for Caiti and maybe having her brothers leave won’t be so stinging since we have him with us. I don’t know if I’m ready for this change. I know that I don’t have a choice and I know that this is what their Father and I have worked so hard raising them for. They will be able to go out and be “productive members of the community” and we can be proud.
I feel very blessed that they both chose to go to local colleges so I have been afforded a lot more time with them than other people whose children went away for college. So many emotions.. I’m sad, scared, apprehensive, worried, worried about me, hopeful, proud, lonesome already, wondering if they will call? How often will they call? Will I know when they need an encouraging word? Will I know when they are having a tough time? Will I be able to handle not knowing their daily activities? How many times can I go up without being hovering? I’m mostly sad. I don’t like change to be honest. Just going through each day sometimes is still tough. The weather for sure is not helping.
I’m excited for the wedding. I’m gonna have a new daughter and I know she wants to be part of the family and that makes me happy. Once they get married are they gonna have kids right away? They plan to start their family soon. The problem is they live in Santa Barbara. That is right, 13 hours away. I in my wildest dreams never thought I might end up being the “twice a year” grandma. I want hands on. I want fresh baby skin, unconditional love, the joy again of comforting a child, I look forward to baths in the kitchen sink, knowing and watching their personalities emerge. I want it all. I want grandkids and I want them close enough I get to help. I’m 46 and today I just realized what a grandparent knows.
When I was at the hospital I talked to the baby daddy and told him that know with this new baby he can fix errors he made with his first two. (He is divorced and has 2 sons-Youngest is 9) So, this is kind of his “second” family. I saw it as an opportunity for him to be a better man, person and Dad to this fresh miracle that God has blessed him with. That is what a Grandparent knows. They have been down the parenting road, I know what it takes to raise kids. I know the pitfalls. I know the mistakes, things I thought were so important aren’t. I get to sit back and relax and hope that my kids come to me and think I was a good enough parent to get advice from. Please hope I don't give unsolicited advice. I don't want to be "one of those" parents/ grandparent. We Boulanger's think we know everything. In actuality I realize with each passing year how dumb I was the previous year. Kind of like getting older makes me more appreciative, less judgmental and smart. I know dementia is right around the corner but I feel like I'm smarter every year.
My life has been very steady lately. We are starting to clean carpets, wash windows etc to prepare for all the company that is coming. I’m going to pretend that my boys aren’t leaving, that Chase decides to live in Oregon and still close enough to help co-parent and that my daughter continues to rock at college. I’m proud mostly. Proud and scared of how it will be when the house is more empty.
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