Driving, baldness and the serenity prayer

Today I had Caitlin drive me all over town. I have let her down. The boys all had their drivers license's on or around their 16th birthday. Caitlin will be 18 in August and still does not have a license. She is less mature than they were at her age and I can't allow any of my kids to drive a car unless I know they will be able to go out and come home safely. As a parent having your kids start driving alone is a BIG deal. I used to sit on pins and needles until I saw their headlights bobbing up and down my driveway coming home.

I promised Caitlin I would drive around with her until I felt she was safe (and others are safe) and work on getting her license by her HS graduation. Let me tell you something. If I have any hair on my head left it is by the grace of God. I have trained all 3 boys on driving and feel totally good when they are driving. Colton goes so damn slow/right at the speed limit I often wonder how he gets anywhere. :) Caitlin is so much better at driving than she was the last year. Much more mature. I feel ashamed actually that I have not taken the appropriate time before now to allow her the time she needs to feel comfortable in the car. She confessed to me that she feels so dumb/stupid/and "behind" when her peers ask her if she is driving yet and she has to sheepishly say "Noes". I did that. My lackadaisical attitude didn't afford her the extra time she obviously needed to be able to drive without a parent. I can of course say well, my Dad was dying, my sister died and I didn't have the energy. Sure, I could say that but I won't. It has been lack of parenting. David could have taken her but he is so impatient with her. This is the first time I have driven with her that I felt like she is close to being ready to get her drivers license. We didn't get in an argument and I actually looked around where we were driving instead of clenching my fists tight or arguing.

Colton sent me a picture of him on the Golden Gate Bridge.
He looks so handsome in his gorgeous shirt an tie.

He drove to Stanford for a psychology conference. Sounds like snooze-ville" to me so it is a good thing he didn't ask me to go. I'm proud of him and that he went on such a long road trip, stayed in a hotel etc. Got his own maps, made all of his own reservations etc. We have done a good job with him.

I have been thinking about this big house I live in a lot lately. How much I'm going to hate all the empty rooms. I want to move I think. I want to rent next time. I never know what is going to happen with David and where we may end up so I want to be able to move where my kids end up. (Hopefully not Timbuktu) I have never been in love with this house. It seems dark and dreary. I like the light. I feel better when it is brighter inside. There will be 3 bedrooms we don't use after September and the boys move out. I still would like to live in the country because I hate neighbors. The best neighbors in my opinion are the ones I don't know. LOL. I like to sit outside and feel like I'm in paradise. My doggies running around all through the grass and me swinging on my swing with a nice hot cup of coffee or a ice cold Diet Pepsi. That is heaven in my world. I moved here because I fell in love with the property. I'm still in love with the property but don't know how I will handle all the utter emptiness soon. Maybe it is time for us to make a change too. (Now all I have to do is broach the subject to David and get him to understand how i'm feeling)

Chase's fiancee, Mory and I have been planning the wedding.. Her mostly but I must say planning or lack of planning is very stressful. We have gotten into several small tiffs on the Internet. I realize now why. She doesn't know me well enough or at all. Everything I say she takes literally and I'm so easy. She doesn't know how easy I am. I have an idea of how I have dreamed of my kids wedding and she see's it a different way. When it comes right down to it, it is their wedding and they hold all the cards and it is my first lesson from my kids about "butting out." Ouch. Doesn't feel so good does it now? I have to remember that the wedding has no bearing on me really. I can cause dissension, I can push my ideas (like I usually do) or I can gracefully say "I will wear what you want me to wear, be where you want me to be and will do anything you ask. Point and I'll do it." That is not an easy task for me.. or for a Boulanger in general. We give orders, don't take them... Until now with my almost new daughter. With each new passing day I learn something new whether it be to "Butt out" or please help and to know the difference. I just realized there is a whole prayer about this. "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." Let's just say it is a work in progress.


ONE non related item I am going to throw in here. I loved homeschooling. My kids are smarter and faster and love their families. I would not change a thing about that.

I haven't had neighbors in probably 16 years. Well that is a lie actually, we had neighbors when we lived on Haviland. We had huge hedges between us and the houses were far away from each other. So, while there were neighbors in reality they minded their own business and we minded our own too. I'm going to exercise and watch the finale of Greys Anatomy. Until again... Ciao

3 graduations and a wedding. June is going to be busy

I have such conflicting thoughts running through my mind right now. I have two boys moving in August/Sept, and my only daughter (and baby) is graduating from High School. My oldest son, Chase is getting married. Yes, that is a lot of life changes. The thing is that it all happens the first weekend in June. Yes, add a bridal shower in there and we have major things starting on Thursday and the final thing is the wedding on Sunday the 6th of June.

My daughter and I went to the hospital in Medford to visit my friend Gina who just had a baby yesterday.

Me holding Reese today.

Very cute little baby I might add here. Anyway, on the way home Caiti and were realizing at the same time that we are going to be alone soon. I have always had the boys home and this is going to be a horrifying experience. Just thinking about them leaving makes me tear up. Logan (My nephew) lives here with us so there will still be 4 in the house and he is good company for Caiti and maybe having her brothers leave won’t be so stinging since we have him with us. I don’t know if I’m ready for this change. I know that I don’t have a choice and I know that this is what their Father and I have worked so hard raising them for. They will be able to go out and be “productive members of the community” and we can be proud.

I feel very blessed that they both chose to go to local colleges so I have been afforded a lot more time with them than other people whose children went away for college. So many emotions.. I’m sad, scared, apprehensive, worried, worried about me, hopeful, proud, lonesome already, wondering if they will call? How often will they call? Will I know when they need an encouraging word? Will I know when they are having a tough time? Will I be able to handle not knowing their daily activities? How many times can I go up without being hovering? I’m mostly sad. I don’t like change to be honest. Just going through each day sometimes is still tough. The weather for sure is not helping.



I’m excited for the wedding. I’m gonna have a new daughter and I know she wants to be part of the family and that makes me happy. Once they get married are they gonna have kids right away? They plan to start their family soon. The problem is they live in Santa Barbara. That is right, 13 hours away. I in my wildest dreams never thought I might end up being the “twice a year” grandma. I want hands on. I want fresh baby skin, unconditional love, the joy again of comforting a child, I look forward to baths in the kitchen sink, knowing and watching their personalities emerge. I want it all. I want grandkids and I want them close enough I get to help. I’m 46 and today I just realized what a grandparent knows.

When I was at the hospital I talked to the baby daddy and told him that know with this new baby he can fix errors he made with his first two. (He is divorced and has 2 sons-Youngest is 9) So, this is kind of his “second” family. I saw it as an opportunity for him to be a better man, person and Dad to this fresh miracle that God has blessed him with. That is what a Grandparent knows. They have been down the parenting road, I know what it takes to raise kids. I know the pitfalls. I know the mistakes, things I thought were so important aren’t. I get to sit back and relax and hope that my kids come to me and think I was a good enough parent to get advice from. Please hope I don't give unsolicited advice. I don't want to be "one of those" parents/ grandparent. We Boulanger's think we know everything. In actuality I realize with each passing year how dumb I was the previous year. Kind of like getting older makes me more appreciative, less judgmental and smart. I know dementia is right around the corner but I feel like I'm smarter every year.

My life has been very steady lately. We are starting to clean carpets, wash windows etc to prepare for all the company that is coming. I’m going to pretend that my boys aren’t leaving, that Chase decides to live in Oregon and still close enough to help co-parent and that my daughter continues to rock at college. I’m proud mostly. Proud and scared of how it will be when the house is more empty.

Admissions, remissions and angst

Okay so once again I haven't written in forever. This time it is not because I have any grand excuses. I have been down and out. Back tracking a bit...
I realized I have gained a great deal of weight since my Dad and sister died. I sat on my ass feeling totally sorry for myself and ate. Now, when I saw "ate" it wasn't fruits and veggies. My idea of a perfect meal is a Diet Pepsi, (Don't have to feel quite so guilty drinking this one) bag of KC Masterpiece chips, red licorice and chocolate. Chips and junk food are my ways to "comfort" myself. I feel stress, I eat. I don't actually really feel better when I eat but I feel like I'm satisfying something. Then the next time my clothes are too tight I regret eating such crap. Apparenly I'm a slow learner. Too many calories and you gain weight. Exercise is a good thing. (God I hate to exercise)

I have been telling a niece of mine she needs to get some mental health help. She is not handling her life changes in a good way. I'm a huge believer in seeing someone who can listen objectively like a therapist. The people who are involved know every side and can't actually "listen". So, after nagging her to death and making her ears bleed with the nagging she went to the therapist. Now it wasn't so bad. Then she tells someone else I have an addiction to food because she noticed I take lots of pictures of food. Truth be known, I do. I see foods that looks scrumptious or I'm gonna eat it or my husband has made it, I take pictures of it. Yes, I have also been known to send them out via my cell phone. It's not an obsession just an interest. I also like to make those who can't have it jealous. So, here I am on this stinking 500 calorie diet and I have been so completely stressed and I can't have those comfort foods. It has really made me depressed not being able to pig out. I know this will pass so I'm waiting it out. Losing weight is more pleasurable than eating at this point. I have lost a good sum of weight but being a Boulanger, I want it off NOW.

Mothers Day 2010
Colton, Caitlin, Erica and I went to the coast to buy daisies and release them in the ocean in remembrance of my Mom and my sister who recently died. We all went off of our diets and ruined the whole rest of the day stressing about if I gained any weight. Stupid I know. I did not realize how sad I was going to be while in Brookings. I was remembering my sister and how this was their first Mother's Day without her. So many tears from unknown regions. We laid on the beach for hours on a blanket and listened to the waves. (I listen to the waves all night with an app on my iPhone.) We all love the coast. Erica drove both ways and I worked on the "wedding surprise".



Monday- Day after Mothers day.
Woke up with a splitting headache and totally didn't want to get out of bed because the scale is downstairs and I make myself weigh every morning. I resentfully walked down the stairs to the hall of shame... I had gained 8 oz. I know like big deal right? Add that to the rest of the day (I won't say what exactly) and then I can't sleep. I have poison oak all over my body (thanks to the dogs that run through it and cuddle with me throughout the day) and a migraine. Couldn't sleep and know I'm in for a hell of a day. I'm drinking 3 quarts of water a day. Drinking alot.. means peeing a lot. What comes in must come out right? Poison oak is down there too now.


Tuesday- Get very bad news about one of my nieces. She had a pap smear done 2 months ago and the lab found "precancerous cells" and her doctor advised waiting for 4 weeks and re-testing. Well, 4 weeks later and now those same cells that were stage 1 pre-cancerous are now stage 4. Here is the part that has me ripped up inside....They want to do another test (might take a couple of weeks) My thinking is..Why wait? They have told her since she has such severe endimitriosis they have to do a full hysterectomy. Okay then, let's do the surgery immediately and then test the tissue after it is out of her body. I have such cancer issues and this whole "wait and watch" mentality that people are embracing is insane. I'm not allowed to give her my opinion because she "trusts the doctor" and what he says. I have been so sick about this. I of course did not sleep once again. How can anyone just "Wait and watch?" We already know how fast her conditioned changed and grow in just 4 weeks. Why would ANYONE wait and watch? They are wanting another test to see if it could be in the glands. If it could be in the glands? My experience in anything affecting the glands is deadly. I'm frightened for her. I'm scared to death she is going to actually wait and let the cancer grow.

Another of my nieces called today and wanted to hash stuff out with me. Not a good day for it but I realize it can't always be


about me.
I'm also realizing that the older I get the more selfish I am. If I don't want to I won't. You can't make me etc. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Holding in most of what I think and trying to keep up morale. Holding the fort down. etc. I'm tired of "holding the fort down" being the strong one. I still think I can do anything and usually do but I don't want to do what I don't want to do and I hate having to sit by when someones life is at stake and mind my own business.

Today I refused to talk to anyone on the phone. I know that when I'm stressed out I get quiet. I clam up. I have to absorb the information. I can't help it that is how I assimilate stuff. I have so much "stuff" going on.

My daughter graduates from high School on June 3, bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law on June 4th, June 5th is the University graduation of two of my sons and then the following day June 6th is my oldest son's wedding. I'm really not actively stressed by the wedding as the bride, Mory, has done almost all of the work. She is a handy girl. It is just so many things happening so quickly together.

I have some of the cutest little puppies in the nursery right now. Puppies are what gets me through a great many days. Knowing they are waiting to play and be loved is the greatest thrill in my life. They are so excited to see me and never cease to amaze me. After all of these years who would have ever guessed I would be so excited about each litter born. Dogs start and end my every day. Not everyone could be happy with my job. I clean a lot of poo up. It is so worth it when I get to be the first ones the puppies get to see and love on. I think I have the greatest job in the world. I thought about being a playboy bunny but they have met there "fat" lady quota. LOL

Location:Grants Pass,United States