2010 will be a better year.
December 25th, 2009Christmas morning/afternoon 2009
I’m trying to be happy this year. It’s not like I’m crying every minute every day any more. I just tear up a couple of times a day. Like when I go to the grocery store and pass the head cheese, or pork rinds, gallo salami, Umpqua Chocolate milk, wonder bread, all the things my dad loved. I have found that going to the grocery store is very over rated and it is a good thing David does all the shopping. Food is a huge thing to a Boulanger. HUGE… Most of my memories with my family centered on everyone bringing food/junk etc and snacking while we did everything. At the end of my Dad’s life food was all he had left. Sadly at the very end he was hungry for nothing.
My sisters kids are hurting real bad this year too. This is the first Christmas without their Mom. They call me to share their tears and it hurts me all over again. Her death was so senseless. She didn’t have her cpap machine on at the hospital and died. That is right, she went in the day before and had a minor procedure done. I talked with her at 11:30 the night before. Next morning no more talking.. EVER.
I didn’t get to tell her I loved her more than words. I mean we talked about loving each other because we did so fiercely. I just wished when we hung up that night instead of being “Heather the fixer of all things relating to hospital” and telling her I would get pain medicine immediately (The nurses weren’t answering her calls of help) and would hang up and immediately call her nurses station. (That’s how we rolled. She went in and I micromanaged her care wherever I was by phone. )
Could of, would of, should ofs. Those are killing me. Things I wished I said more. I really don’t have regrets perse’` when it comes to my sister or dad. They both knew I loved them so much. Just wished … Just wish…
The Holidays will never be the same. Never the same. I plan to be in a better place emotionally and physically by next year. Everything is gonna be different. (Fingers crossed)
This year I’m going to want to start fresh.
My youngest son had a medical scare earlier this week. Thank God it is nothing. I cried for 3 days straight. Not screaming bawling, just uncontrollable tears. I can’ stand to having anything major again for a while. So, I’m asking God to please give me a little break. Nothing major this year except for what I’ve planned. Hoping for a healthy New Year and a year of possibilities.
I have been thinking about something a friend sent me and the final statement she said was:
“Just remember this… How we survive, is what makes us who we are. “
If I think about that long and hard I have to concur. I know that I am suffering nothing compared to what others have to endure. This year I will try to look at the bright side of life. I will try to climb my way out of this loathing self pity and be the person I am meant to be. Lofty goal I know, but if I don’t pull myself out I will cease to be useful to my family and my sister’s family.
Its Monday. I could care less
December 8th, 2009I’m currently sitting in my car waiting for Caitlin to do her final for math at the college. Did I mention it is freezing cold? I’m serious. I would go into the bldg where her class is but I’m in my pajama’s and have fire cracker socks on with sandals. Even this outfit would scare me. People wouldn’t care that I hand knitted these bright red, orange, and yellow socks. I wear them proudly (at home).
I have been feeling so screwed lately. I’m sad and still burst out in tears at the most in-opportune times. I was coaxed into seeing a doctor. Guess what? Anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I am still depressed though. I wonder how I’m supposed to be feeling now? those pills are not miracle pills dammit.
Where is the mourners handbook? Why does no one else understand this/me? The Mister even asked me “if I’m ever going to get over this?” as if I some how know? I wish I didn’t have to cry in my pillow every night alone. Why doesn’t anyone here feel my pain? Didn’t they love my Dad? Am I ever going to get over this?
Was my dads premonition (about me needing a shotgun for the home intruder) just the ramblings of an oxygen depraved man? I can hardly sleep upstairs for the whole night. I feel like I have to sleep on the couch so I can see all the main doors. I’m not exactly paranoid, well never mind maybe I am. I have been spending most if my days in the nursery. Laying on the floor loving all the babies. That sound pathetic I know but right now being with them dulls some of the pain.
Got to restart the car. Fingers are starting to stick to the keyboard as it is freaking freezing here. Yes, I know Christmas is right around the corner and I have purchased nothing. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want to. I’m told that I have to “fake it, til I make it” I don’t feel like even pretending. I’m still mad at God and empty with disbelief. Don’t worry Heather Boulanger-Christian always makes it.
So, thanksgiving has come and gone? Big deal
November 29th, 2009Okay. IT has been a long time since I have written anything.
To be truthful I have been in a mire of depression and it has been so very hard to pull myself out of this hell. I feel like if there is such a thing as hell I have been in and around it. The grief at times makes me feel hollow. I still put one foot in front of the other, and go about my business. My desire to leave the house has totally diminished. I have always been a hermit. Now it is worse. I only go out to see customers and then my monthly trip to Portland to be with my sisters husband and kids. Once I arrive there, I put my pajama’s on and stay in the house.
It is not like I’m afraid to go out or I get sweaty palms or anything like that. Just NO desire. I rotate my pajama’s pretty good and no one has pointed out the fact I live in them all the time now. It doesn’t bother me when the nieces come over and I’m in my pajama’s. They don’t mention it so I’m either so demented people are afraid to say something to me or I’m doing okay and my pajama’s are just one step up from my usual apparel, shorts, a t-shirt and cowboy boots. Yes, I’m not much of a dresser on a good day. Lol I just don’t give a shit what I’m wearing. I’m clean, my pajama’s are changed and I’m good that way. I don’t want any emails from therapist or mental health counselors either. Not looking for opinions here. Just spouting what is going on here.
It is past Thanksgiving and I have not purchased a single gift. Nothing Nada. Well, I did send David out to get a used Queen mattress so when Kenny and Jeana come down I have a bed for them. I’m going to let them stay in my dad’s old room. I have only opened that door about 8 time since he died in August. Yep, Yep, Yep. Being me is… I don’t have a choice about being me. I wish I could be anyone else but they I see how some others are and makes me feel happy for my little meager existence. I’m thankful for a family that still loves me. I’m thankful to be in a warm house. I’m so thankful for my dogs. That is all for now.
I did it. It hurt terrible but i did it.
November 7th, 2009My sister, Kim always picked the person who gets the free puppy of the month. My dad died in July no puppy picked. My sister died in August no puppy picked. September and October came no free puppy picks. November (yesterday) I picked four people. I wish I could say I carefully and prayerfully picked four people. I didn’t. I picked 4 people at random and voilà they get new puppies.
I had kind of a sad day today. Went to breakfast with Colton and talked about when he is planning to move and go to graduate school. “Next September” he replied. I started to cry. No sounds, just quiet tears. Salty tears streaming down my cheeks lie I was about to suffer another great loss. I am, and it cut me so deep. The realization that all the kids will leave and I will be the lady left carrying the bag. The dog lady.
November and the Holidays are rushing forwards.
November 4th, 2009Usually I am a Holiday lover. I love the feel in the air when you shop. Christmas music bellows out from every store, most people are chipper and people say “Merry Christmas” and those trying to be politically correct say “Happy Holidays” Whatever you say you get that feeling in your heart that reminds you of the important things in your life…. your family usually. This year I don’t know how I’m going to get through them. I mean it. I’m way past getting excited over the new electric knife the kids think “I must have,” the presents from friends and the baking. Okay, I lied. I don’t bake. I have someone do my baking. Okay, I lied again. The Mister.
This button was made for me.... Trust me, I'm a Doctor.
My husband does the baking and he is a awesome cook. The best in fact. This year we have only two kids left at home so he thought he might try “spicing” it up and try new recipes. Well, he made fudge from a Paula Dean recipe book and it has velveeta cheese in it. Yeah, I tried it anyway. Not so much. I told him, “Spice” up anything but the fudge. I love me the chocolate minus the cheese please. He didn’t reply so maybe he thinks I’m unthankful. I really am actually. He has done all the baking our whole married life. I went through a whole summer one year making and baking every recipe out of Mrs Fields cookies book. I made triple batches of everything. Lots of cookies. I decided maybe I could bake for a living. Isn’t that the funnest thing I have ever said out loud. Me baking. Well, the cookies were scrumptious let me tell you. Probably packed on ten pounds that summer. My niece Christine looked forward to each days production. Okay, so I’ve veered off where I was going. Maybe because if I write it down here and I force myself to see what I think I will be scared shitless.
This year I have no Father. I have no sister to whom I consider wiser and no one else appreciates the depth of my sorrow. David’s folks are alive. They live in the same town as we do. We see them about 4 times a year. 3 times accidentally or when we go to their house to pick up their garbage and take it to the dump and then of course Christmas. Yep, we all get together once a year and pretend to know one another. You know, my family we are real. We get mad, we get real mad, we say shit then the next day we are over it and begin anew. That is how I think all families are. In reality there are more families that don’t ever talk about “real” stuff except the prices of groceries, the tea in China and the weather. What is it with the weather anyway? Who gives a shit? I mean really, we all get together and the best we can do is talk about the weather? I have so much better things to do with my time. Pssh. Weather. Waste of daylight. Waste of air. Waste of a good pair of cowboy boots too.
Okay, now. I am going to have to get through this season of Holidays without my most important peeps. If I don’t get through this year I can’t make it to next year now can I? I have truthfully considered suicide on bad days. I would never have the courage to actually do it because quite frankly I don’t like pain, I hate the heat and in hell it is hot and I could never leave my kids and sister Bonne. I live for them. I thought about going to see a doctor about what ails me. Let’s see, my knee hurts super bad with the “weather” changing. (Hey, I thought up the Christmas meal topic right here.) I think I have a shin splint, I can’t sleep, I have terrible insomnia, I have no energy and feel fat. Well, I more than feel fat, I am fat. So the conversation would go like this.
Me: ” Hello doctor with whom I’ve never known because I’m healthy as a horse and thought no need to build any sort of relationship with cuz I am healthy as a horse. A horse I tell you.. Except now. Now I’m sick as a dog.) I’m depressed, can’t sleep, can’t muster up any energy, feel like being grouchy and my knee is really killing me. So, since I begrudgingly came in, here is the list of what I need. (This is where I will explain to the doctor that I do indeed play a doctor on TV)
Me:” Do you have a pad and paper handy Doctor?” Okay, I need Prozac, xanax, flexerill, ambien, and while you are writing up scripts for those, go ahead and send me to the lab and have them draw my blood. My husband is convinced he is healthier than me so we play this blood game every year where we see who has higher cholesterol, blood pressure and triglycerides. He takes medicine for all that and I don’t because well I’m healthy. I guess he figures since I’m fat I must be more unhealthy than him. This little test he likes costs me about $125.00 a year but it makes me look good. Worth the price I’d say.”
Doctor (Stunned just staring at me) ” You would like me to just write all this down and just give it to you Mrs. Christian?”
Me: “Yah, that would certainly get me out of here fast, right before I need another cup of coffee.”
Doctor: “So, where did you say you went to med school?”
Me (Long pause) :” I read books.. All doctor books. I also read every veterinarian book that has been printed. I have read and reread them. I like to stay in the know. Know what I mean>?”
Doctor:” Um… mental health is two streets up.” Ha hahahaha I don’t reckon she would just give me what I want. Something about medical degrees etc.
I take a fistful of vitamins every night. I eat horrible all day. I try to sit down between one and two in the afternoon and eat some lunch meat with cheddar cheese and crackers. I do this every single day. Takes out the guess work. Today the dogs ate a whole pound of Roast beef. Sneaks. So, I’ll be stuck with turkey and gallo salami until shopping day. I also don’t do any grocery shopping. The mister works at the grocery store. He knows what is a good deal and what isn’t a good deal. When I go shopping I buy what I want to eat right now. I also buy a lot of stuff we won’t eat. You know all the girls in my family have this candy issue. Some are sicker over candy than others but we all like to have a lot of candy around. I like to have A LOT. If there is all kinds I don’t eat it. NO need. But if there is NO candy I start looking around to see if the Mister has regular chocolate chips and not that terrible semi sweet shit. Today I ate a pudding. Shot a squirt of whipped cream on it and well.. it still tasted terrible. No need for Calcium tonight. Pudding and whipped cream have milk in them don’t they?
I made sweet and sour chicken with rice for dinner. I have made dinner two nights in a row. I must be becoming some sort of domestic Goddess. Isnt’ that so hilarious? I also cleaned and swept the barn, reorganized dogs, clipped toe nails, did booster shots, trimmed behinds, and sat and just accepted their unconditional love. There really is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Um… I guess I forgot what I sat down to write about…. The Holidays. Guess I’m talking about everything else to keep my mind off of “it”. We will save that for another day.
Halloween 2009
October 31st, 2009
Happy Stinkin' Halloween.
I didn’t really want to to see Rocky Horror Picture Show with the peeps. It quite frankly sounded dumb. I agreed to go way back in June. Cait and David go every year now. This was their third time. It was very, very entertaining. I smiled and laughed out loud. It is hecka crazy, people who are clearly senior citizens and those that are haggy, saggy and baggy were all dressed in drag. Some wore bra’s and slips. Wild show. The whole thing took them a lot of preparation and it showed. I’m so thankful I went.
I’m tired. I’m still not sleeping which you already know by the fact it is two oclock in ther freaking morning and I’m downstairs once again. Went upstairs to sleep, got all set and tried to fall asleep when my dogs started going wild. Colton is pacing up and down the driveway sharing “special” time with his girlfriend. It’s like the dogs see him every day all day long. But, the dogs are barking. I think partially because normal people to walk in the cold at two in the morning. I think they are barking and it is their way of laughing.
On the road again? Nope gonna learn to deal “with it”
October 28th, 2009I’m still alive believe it or not. I have survived 3 months without my dad and 2 months without my sister., I’m not going to lie it has been terrible. I miss my dad more than I can write about here. No words have been produced to accurately articulate what is missing in my heart and life. I have stayed VERY busy in my daily life.
I spent 3 days in Sacramento and have been to Portland twice. Driving is where I have discovered I can really think. No distractions, no music just me and my own mind. I realize when I’m gone or not home the pain is not as acute. We own this house so I don’t see us going anywhere soon. I have to learn to deal with myself and my own grief. When I went to Portland to deliver dogs and be with my sisters kids I brought Serina along. It is critically important to me to keep the people left standing together. Our numbers are dwindling as a family. We had a great time.
Serina, Erica and Bonne shopped all day everyday and I stayed at the house with Mike (Kim’s hubby) and lounged around in my nightgown and did cross stitch. I have also learned that focusing on small tasks and lots of them helps defray my grief as well. Mike is sick. He has kidney stones and is too sick in bed to sit up. He is taking the pain pills and is “out of it” most of the trip there. I have never had one…knock on wood but if his pain is an indication it isn’t pretty. When I got home my dogs were so excited. My kids meh, my dogs were doing what they always do. Cheering me up, kissing me, trying to crawl under my skin, giving me the welcome home I’ve come to expect and love. No new babies this week. Everyone is good.
I’m going to try and sleep in my own room (like a big girl). I’ve only slept upstairs twice since my dad died. I had previously slept downstairs on my chair or the couch so I could hear my dad. Now, it is a mental thing. I know it is but it is sooo hard to stay upstairs. I know he is dead but I feel closer to him when I’m downstairs. I haven’t gone out with friends in a long time. I am hermit-esque and prefer it that way right now. I try to avoid any situations where people are going to ask me “how am I doing?” and of course the “I am so sorry for your loss”. I’m sure people are sorry for me. I’m pretty pathetic right now. Staying home and staying busy is what I need to do. I miss my friends but not enough to leave the house just yet. This pain is so deep in my soul. When I consciously think about my Dad and I never talking again it burns me. It feare singed. I know I’m not the only person who has suffered 2 deaths in one month but for me this is not make believe. Memory of my dad.. When I was about 13 my Dad, my brother Tommy and the older guy I was in love with (Richard Lee) drove to Oregon from Cali to scope out a place to live. Well we stopped in the redwoods and my dad made “dinner.” To my Dad dinner is 2 pieces of ham slapped into two pieces of wonder bread. Well this night he decided to bring out the ever faithful coleman stove and made a can or two of baked beans. I told my dad I don’t eat beans and he smacked me on the head with the bean spoon and some of the beans got in my hair. I was so humiliated, Richard saw it. I still don’t eat beans except snow peas and green beans. Garbanzo, black eyed peas, kidney, Navy etc. Not so much. Another memory was when we found a bldg in Medford to open up my dad’s used furniture store my sister and I would sleep on the bunk beds in the shop. We didn’t rent anything because my Dad and Mom wanted to try it out first. We would sit on the back cemented area and “shower” with the hose in our bathing suits. On Saturday night my Dad would rent a motel room so we could take a real shower and we could eat at Kings’ Table. Of course Saturday night cuz dad didn’t want dirty girls at church. LOL
I am still alive. Keep the prayers coming please.
October 26th, 2009I’m in Portland Oregon. Came Thursday night as my brother in law was going to the hospital in severe pain. Turns out it is kidney stones and the doctor said they are comparable to giving birth. You know, i’m wondering about that. He was a man and thus nary a baby has come from a womb how does he say such a thing? I have seen Mike in pain for 4 full days now. Serina came with me and my sister, Bonne spent two nights with me. It is so nice to be with the peeps. We are all we have left so we have to keep together. Christine made between fall bracelets for all the girls. I bought ladybug’s made out of Swarvoski crystals for everyone. Serina’s offering was plucking eyebrows and man hair on all of us. Too funny. Mike is tolerating us by being doped out of his mind. I don’t know about the birthing comment but it looks pretty darn close. I’m going home tomorrow. Hopefully he will pass this one today.
I am a little better.
October 22nd, 2009Well. What can I say really? Every day I am still so sad. I miss my Dad/best friend and companion. You know how people use the word “fierce” for nothing? I miss my Dad something fierce. I am having a really hard time pulling myself up this time. I’m usually so resilient but nay. The person (Kim my oldest sister) “my person” that I would call and cry to and look to for advice and coping skills died too. I have one sister and one brother left. I know I should be greatful for still having them and I am. It’s just different when almost all your past is gone. Staying home all day every day is my little secret. Um I’m a real life hermit except for on weekends when I deliver dogs. I stay home and just change from one pair of pajamas to the next sans shower. I’m so unsophisticated.
Everyday I have to really fight the urge to pack up and leave. Never turn back. Only one problem with that. My head has to go along. When people say to me “I’m so sorry for your loss” I appreciate it but think we should find a new word that really hits what I am feeling. More like screwed and their are no people for me to tell.
Dogs, dogs, puppies they are the reason I’m still alive. I’m afraid without the steady loving of my dogs I would be…. Let’s not think about it.
Lovely cops in Oregon.
October 15th, 2009Now a good start to for a good day.
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