Usually I am a Holiday lover. I love the feel in the air when you shop. Christmas music bellows out from every store, most people are chipper and people say “Merry Christmas” and those trying to be politically correct say “Happy Holidays” Whatever you say you get that feeling in your heart that reminds you of the important things in your life…. your family usually. This year I don’t know how I’m going to get through them. I mean it. I’m way past getting excited over the new electric knife the kids think “I must have,” the presents from friends and the baking. Okay, I lied. I don’t bake. I have someone do my baking. Okay, I lied again. The Mister.
This button was made for me.... Trust me, I'm a Doctor.
My husband does the baking and he is a awesome cook. The best in fact. This year we have only two kids left at home so he thought he might try “spicing” it up and try new recipes. Well, he made fudge from a Paula Dean recipe book and it has velveeta cheese in it. Yeah, I tried it anyway. Not so much. I told him, “Spice” up anything but the fudge. I love me the chocolate minus the cheese please. He didn’t reply so maybe he thinks I’m unthankful. I really am actually. He has done all the baking our whole married life. I went through a whole summer one year making and baking every recipe out of Mrs Fields cookies book. I made triple batches of everything. Lots of cookies. I decided maybe I could bake for a living. Isn’t that the funnest thing I have ever said out loud. Me baking. Well, the cookies were scrumptious let me tell you. Probably packed on ten pounds that summer. My niece Christine looked forward to each days production. Okay, so I’ve veered off where I was going. Maybe because if I write it down here and I force myself to see what I think I will be scared shitless.
This year I have no Father. I have no sister to whom I consider wiser and no one else appreciates the depth of my sorrow. David’s folks are alive. They live in the same town as we do. We see them about 4 times a year. 3 times accidentally or when we go to their house to pick up their garbage and take it to the dump and then of course Christmas. Yep, we all get together once a year and pretend to know one another. You know, my family we are real. We get mad, we get real mad, we say shit then the next day we are over it and begin anew. That is how I think all families are. In reality there are more families that don’t ever talk about “real” stuff except the prices of groceries, the tea in China and the weather. What is it with the weather anyway? Who gives a shit? I mean really, we all get together and the best we can do is talk about the weather? I have so much better things to do with my time. Pssh. Weather. Waste of daylight. Waste of air. Waste of a good pair of cowboy boots too.
Okay, now. I am going to have to get through this season of Holidays without my most important peeps. If I don’t get through this year I can’t make it to next year now can I? I have truthfully considered suicide on bad days. I would never have the courage to actually do it because quite frankly I don’t like pain, I hate the heat and in hell it is hot and I could never leave my kids and sister Bonne. I live for them. I thought about going to see a doctor about what ails me. Let’s see, my knee hurts super bad with the “weather” changing. (Hey, I thought up the Christmas meal topic right here.) I think I have a shin splint, I can’t sleep, I have terrible insomnia, I have no energy and feel fat. Well, I more than feel fat, I am fat. So the conversation would go like this.
Me: ” Hello doctor with whom I’ve never known because I’m healthy as a horse and thought no need to build any sort of relationship with cuz I am healthy as a horse. A horse I tell you.. Except now. Now I’m sick as a dog.) I’m depressed, can’t sleep, can’t muster up any energy, feel like being grouchy and my knee is really killing me. So, since I begrudgingly came in, here is the list of what I need. (This is where I will explain to the doctor that I do indeed play a doctor on TV)
Me:” Do you have a pad and paper handy Doctor?” Okay, I need Prozac, xanax, flexerill, ambien, and while you are writing up scripts for those, go ahead and send me to the lab and have them draw my blood. My husband is convinced he is healthier than me so we play this blood game every year where we see who has higher cholesterol, blood pressure and triglycerides. He takes medicine for all that and I don’t because well I’m healthy. I guess he figures since I’m fat I must be more unhealthy than him. This little test he likes costs me about $125.00 a year but it makes me look good. Worth the price I’d say.”
Doctor (Stunned just staring at me) ” You would like me to just write all this down and just give it to you Mrs. Christian?”
Me: “Yah, that would certainly get me out of here fast, right before I need another cup of coffee.”
Doctor: “So, where did you say you went to med school?”
Me (Long pause) :” I read books.. All doctor books. I also read every veterinarian book that has been printed. I have read and reread them. I like to stay in the know. Know what I mean>?”
Doctor:” Um… mental health is two streets up.” Ha hahahaha I don’t reckon she would just give me what I want. Something about medical degrees etc.
I take a fistful of vitamins every night. I eat horrible all day. I try to sit down between one and two in the afternoon and eat some lunch meat with cheddar cheese and crackers. I do this every single day. Takes out the guess work. Today the dogs ate a whole pound of Roast beef. Sneaks. So, I’ll be stuck with turkey and gallo salami until shopping day. I also don’t do any grocery shopping. The mister works at the grocery store. He knows what is a good deal and what isn’t a good deal. When I go shopping I buy what I want to eat right now. I also buy a lot of stuff we won’t eat. You know all the girls in my family have this candy issue. Some are sicker over candy than others but we all like to have a lot of candy around. I like to have A LOT. If there is all kinds I don’t eat it. NO need. But if there is NO candy I start looking around to see if the Mister has regular chocolate chips and not that terrible semi sweet shit. Today I ate a pudding. Shot a squirt of whipped cream on it and well.. it still tasted terrible. No need for Calcium tonight. Pudding and whipped cream have milk in them don’t they?
I made sweet and sour chicken with rice for dinner. I have made dinner two nights in a row. I must be becoming some sort of domestic Goddess. Isnt’ that so hilarious? I also cleaned and swept the barn, reorganized dogs, clipped toe nails, did booster shots, trimmed behinds, and sat and just accepted their unconditional love. There really is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Um… I guess I forgot what I sat down to write about…. The Holidays. Guess I’m talking about everything else to keep my mind off of “it”. We will save that for another day.
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