Where am I? Why am I here and why can't I

I don't know how long it has been since I last posted. I reckon if I wasn't so thoroughly exhausted I would look backwards to see. Maybe it is because I don't really care how long it has been. My Dad is declining this time. Every other time we went to the hospital my dad came out of "it" and we were a little bit less mentally, or physically but he came back. This time it feels different to me. The daily reminders of the CNA that comes out to the house to help bathe him makes it real. Everytime I have to call hospice the first thing they say to me is "Your Dad is really sick". I think there must be some special code in my chart that says that they think I'm in denial. I'm not in denial... not really. I just have been told for so long that my Dad was on his last leg and we pull him out. Now his mind is going. It feels weird to me to be giving him morphine when he isn't visibly in pain. They told me that with his severe neuropathy he possibly doesn't feel the chest pain but his agitation stems from the pain and manifests in agitation, restlessness and lack of appetite. I'm scared shitless really. During this whole last hospitalization I have been slowly accepting the inevitable. I feel like maybe if I had put him on a stringent diet he wouldn't be in such bad shape now. He is a grown man and I can't be in charge of what he chose to eat for all the years prior but I enabled him by buying him whatever comfort food he wanted.I will write more when I'm not falling asleep between each thought. I'm beyond tired. I'm thankful fo rthe help I do have