Friends, not friends and of course the liars.

My dad's health has been worse than ever. He is not sleeping. "He is not sleeping", translates roughly to I'm not sleeping either". I am beyond exhausted. I mean it. I wake up more tired than when I lay on my couch. You might not think this possible. Trust me it is possible. I'm tired of being tired. I take 20 some odd vitamins every day trying to stay on top of my game. After a while like now, caffeine is what gets my body amped all day then Tylenol Pm's tell my body when I order it to go sleep. Now I control up and down time with caffeine and benadryl. What has become of me? LOL I love Coffee and Diet Pepsi so it is all good.

I have noticed differences in my thinking too. Even weirder is that I sometimes "hear" my dad calling for me and he is sleeping soundly. We go up and down on this crazy roller coaster of sleeplessness. It doesn't matter if he doesn't sleep because laying in bed doesn't make him tired. He can doze off and on all day. I don't have that same luxury. I have to do my stuff to take care of business. I hopefully am going to get more help with my dad. If I could just have at least 3-4 days of 6 hours straight sleep I will do just fine. Getting up 2-3 times an hour all night long is making me so rummy. I haven't slept in my own bed for over a year now. Couch = bed. Sad huh? It is comfy and I don't usually resent it. I like being downstairs because if anyone comes to the house or if there is a problem I'm in the "hub" of the house. It is so spread out that when I'm upstairs I don't know anything about what is going on downstairs.

Summer is almost upon us. Colton and Caitlin have one week left of finals and they can help out more too. This is my last summer with Colton. He will be in graduate school next summer. I feel sad when the kids grow up and move out. I get more lonely as each moves out. I know this is life but God, it sucks hard. Bitter sweet. Luckily for me I have dogs that won't leave me like these damn kids. LOL. I'm planning for a future. I feel like I have earned it. I want to travel. I want to see other states. I want to be in streams and lakes and see Mt Rushmore. I want to do this before I am too old to enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like "Is this really all there is?" I want to enjoy my life and read books again. I want to lay on the beach all day under an umbrella in the warm sand. Right now tho I'm getting through every day thinking about "the dream."

Enough complaining. I make myself sick with my talk of life. Woe is me. Blah blah bull shit. I have made every decision I have made in my life with a conscious knowledge of just what I was doing. My dad didn't get sick over night. He has progressively with age gotten sicker and more bed ridden etc. I didn't make him eat right so part of his illness is because I wasn't strong enough to keep him off the sugars. I know it was and is his decision but I could have not indulged him so much. I like sugar too you see. I'm not diabetic (Thank you Jesus) and I don't know if I could be as good as my husband is with not eating sugar etc. It is hard.

So, my last post talked about "esoteric things". I have found out that someone I cherished is a liar. They lied to me, they lied to others and it is about their general character. The thing that makes them who they are. Everyone lies, yes, even I. But when you are developing a friendship you are counting on the other person being real. When you find out the other person is NOT what you thought they were it is heart wrenching. I don't have a lot of free time because of my obligations so I cherish the time I am allotted and to find out the time spent in the company of people who don't know how to be honest with themselves or me makes me feel sick. This is the first experience I have ever had where I am (was) friends with a stranger. I will be much more careful next time. I have learned things so it all was not in vain. I don't believe in reincarnation but if it ends up we come back please make me a dog. I want to be a small toy lap dog that is pampered. I want to sleep and eat when I feel like it. I want someone to love on me all day and make me feel loved. My dogs have it made. (ick... I want to be a dog who is fixed) No doggy porno for me. LOL.

I'm in Portland. I brought Kim back from her 7 day stay in GP. Her cellulitis is back and she had to be brought up to Kaiser. I slept in a real bed last night. I slept 7 whole hours. I HAD DREAMS!! I haven't had dreams in months. Too much of my sleep is broken up into little pieces. If I have a dream I don't remember. Thank God I'm not a person who is to interpret dreams. I don't know what they mean but I was so well rested this morning and have a feeling it has something to do with the dreams. I feel fantastic.

David's poison oak is so, so bad. He is on Predisone and got a shot. He is worse than ever. I think the oral ivy drops he takes every single day of the year to keep him from getting it has made him super sensitive to it. His skin where the lesions are is like thick oozing leather. I get it bad but NOTHING like what he has. It is so bad he is so blistered. OMG. I think he should stay off the oral ivy because it hasn't helped do anything.

I go home tomorrow. It's all good. Here is the super crazy part... I miss my dad. Yes, I also miss my kids and hubby but mostly my life is my Dad. Is Dad happy, fed, cool enough, drink enough water, etc. I almost don't know what to do with myself not having him here. I"m a lunatic I know. It is after 11 and all these early birds are in bed. I'm afraid I may wake them with the clicking of the key board. So get real, get real fast and get going.