The craziest thing.

TODAY my son, Colton's girlfriend told him that she had read my blogs. I know that these blogs are public but it kind of feels "stalker-ish" Now, I'm not being a hypocrite, I would do the same thing if she had one. (She doesn't) Then I hear that her parents (Dad to be precise) reads my blog too. Then I started to feel subconscious and thought maybe since someone I actually know is reading my stuff. I began to read my past submissions. OMG I cried so hard. Just reading what I had written brought those same damn tears up and I sat in a room full of people playing games and let the tears flow. I guess I'm doing better than I thought. Re reading brought me right back to the fresh pain again. I won't be going back again and re read anything.

I'm looking forwards. I'm keeping my eye on the prize of a new year.

Caiti graduates from Hidden Valley in March and she will still be going to college part time until then. Colton and Cody graduate from Southern Oregon University in June. Both of the boys are heading to graduate school we just don't know which ones yet. David will have his Masters Degree in Business Administration and I have no degrees. I'm just the uneducated, dog loving Momther. (I spelled this right when the kids (Colton) was growing up he took great pride in calling me by my first name Heather. I told him it was disrespectful so we settled on Momther. Now all the kids call me that, girlfriends etc. I suppose it is better than Hobag or something else of equal meaness. LOL

I have read so many dog books, veterinarian guides, puppy raising, puppy nutritional elements. I think I'm a doctor. NO, I dont' belong in a mental word just yet. It is that I have been to the vet for so many years and so many times per year that I feel like I"m getting down to the been there done that philosophy.

Erica White, my niece (deceased sisters daughter) has come down for a visit with us. Cody and Erica are staying and we sang karaoke for hours and then took turns playing Wii Fit.

There are some serious plans coming ahead in my life. BIg things. Scary things. I believe i"m a Boulanger and I can do anything. The having someone else tell me what to do might be scatchy as I've been in the boss in every job and the think is I can't bear to move somewhere that I would have to choose which dogs to keep and which dogs to rehome. These animals have kept me sane. Still functioning. My reputation stands for something. I can't even begin to imagine how to decide such a bid deal. It is late tonight and I don't have anything spectacular going on except my Love for my dogs. I have had most from birth and of course we pond. They are a mans best friend,,

2010 will be a better year.

December 25th, 2009

Christmas morning/afternoon 2009

I’m trying to be happy this year. It’s not like I’m crying every minute every day any more. I just tear up a couple of times a day. Like when I go to the grocery store and pass the head cheese, or pork rinds, gallo salami, Umpqua Chocolate milk, wonder bread, all the things my dad loved. I have found that going to the grocery store is very over rated and it is a good thing David does all the shopping. Food is a huge thing to a Boulanger. HUGE… Most of my memories with my family centered on everyone bringing food/junk etc and snacking while we did everything. At the end of my Dad’s life food was all he had left. Sadly at the very end he was hungry for nothing.

My sisters kids are hurting real bad this year too. This is the first Christmas without their Mom. They call me to share their tears and it hurts me all over again. Her death was so senseless. She didn’t have her cpap machine on at the hospital and died. That is right, she went in the day before and had a minor procedure done. I talked with her at 11:30 the night before. Next morning no more talking.. EVER.

I didn’t get to tell her I loved her more than words. I mean we talked about loving each other because we did so fiercely. I just wished when we hung up that night instead of being “Heather the fixer of all things relating to hospital” and telling her I would get pain medicine immediately (The nurses weren’t answering her calls of help) and would hang up and immediately call her nurses station. (That’s how we rolled. She went in and I micromanaged her care wherever I was by phone. )

Could of, would of, should ofs. Those are killing me. Things I wished I said more. I really don’t have regrets perse’` when it comes to my sister or dad. They both knew I loved them so much. Just wished … Just wish…

The Holidays will never be the same. Never the same. I plan to be in a better place emotionally and physically by next year. Everything is gonna be different. (Fingers crossed)
This year I’m going to want to start fresh.
My youngest son had a medical scare earlier this week. Thank God it is nothing. I cried for 3 days straight. Not screaming bawling, just uncontrollable tears. I can’ stand to having anything major again for a while. So, I’m asking God to please give me a little break. Nothing major this year except for what I’ve planned. Hoping for a healthy New Year and a year of possibilities.

I have been thinking about something a friend sent me and the final statement she said was:
“Just remember this… How we survive, is what makes us who we are. “
If I think about that long and hard I have to concur. I know that I am suffering nothing compared to what others have to endure. This year I will try to look at the bright side of life. I will try to climb my way out of this loathing self pity and be the person I am meant to be. Lofty goal I know, but if I don’t pull myself out I will cease to be useful to my family and my sister’s family.

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Its Monday. I could care less

December 8th, 2009

I’m currently sitting in my car waiting for Caitlin to do her final for math at the college. Did I mention it is freezing cold? I’m serious. I would go into the bldg where her class is but I’m in my pajama’s and have fire cracker socks on with sandals. Even this outfit would scare me. People wouldn’t care that I hand knitted these bright red, orange, and yellow socks. I wear them proudly (at home).

I have been feeling so screwed lately. I’m sad and still burst out in tears at the most in-opportune times. I was coaxed into seeing a doctor. Guess what? Anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I am still depressed though. I wonder how I’m supposed to be feeling now? those pills are not miracle pills dammit.

Where is the mourners handbook? Why does no one else understand this/me? The Mister even asked me “if I’m ever going to get over this?” as if I some how know? I wish I didn’t have to cry in my pillow every night alone. Why doesn’t anyone here feel my pain? Didn’t they love my Dad? Am I ever going to get over this?

Was my dads premonition (about me needing a shotgun for the home intruder) just the ramblings of an oxygen depraved man? I can hardly sleep upstairs for the whole night. I feel like I have to sleep on the couch so I can see all the main doors. I’m not exactly paranoid, well never mind maybe I am. I have been spending most if my days in the nursery. Laying on the floor loving all the babies. That sound pathetic I know but right now being with them dulls some of the pain.

Got to restart the car. Fingers are starting to stick to the keyboard as it is freaking freezing here. Yes, I know Christmas is right around the corner and I have purchased nothing. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want to. I’m told that I have to “fake it, til I make it” I don’t feel like even pretending. I’m still mad at God and empty with disbelief. Don’t worry Heather Boulanger-Christian always makes it.

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So, thanksgiving has come and gone? Big deal

November 29th, 2009

Okay. IT has been a long time since I have written anything.

To be truthful I have been in a mire of depression and it has been so very hard to pull myself out of this hell. I feel like if there is such a thing as hell I have been in and around it. The grief at times makes me feel hollow. I still put one foot in front of the other, and go about my business. My desire to leave the house has totally diminished. I have always been a hermit. Now it is worse. I only go out to see customers and then my monthly trip to Portland to be with my sisters husband and kids. Once I arrive there, I put my pajama’s on and stay in the house.

It is not like I’m afraid to go out or I get sweaty palms or anything like that. Just NO desire. I rotate my pajama’s pretty good and no one has pointed out the fact I live in them all the time now. It doesn’t bother me when the nieces come over and I’m in my pajama’s. They don’t mention it so I’m either so demented people are afraid to say something to me or I’m doing okay and my pajama’s are just one step up from my usual apparel, shorts, a t-shirt and cowboy boots. Yes, I’m not much of a dresser on a good day. Lol I just don’t give a shit what I’m wearing. I’m clean, my pajama’s are changed and I’m good that way. I don’t want any emails from therapist or mental health counselors either. Not looking for opinions here. Just spouting what is going on here.

It is past Thanksgiving and I have not purchased a single gift. Nothing Nada. Well, I did send David out to get a used Queen mattress so when Kenny and Jeana come down I have a bed for them. I’m going to let them stay in my dad’s old room. I have only opened that door about 8 time since he died in August. Yep, Yep, Yep. Being me is… I don’t have a choice about being me. I wish I could be anyone else but they I see how some others are and makes me feel happy for my little meager existence. I’m thankful for a family that still loves me. I’m thankful to be in a warm house. I’m so thankful for my dogs. That is all for now.

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I did it. It hurt terrible but i did it.

November 7th, 2009

My sister, Kim always picked the person who gets the free puppy of the month. My dad died in July no puppy picked. My sister died in August no puppy picked. September and October came no free puppy picks. November (yesterday) I picked four people. I wish I could say I carefully and prayerfully picked four people. I didn’t. I picked 4 people at random and voilà they get new puppies.

I had kind of a sad day today. Went to breakfast with Colton and talked about when he is planning to move and go to graduate school. “Next September” he replied. I started to cry. No sounds, just quiet tears. Salty tears streaming down my cheeks lie I was about to suffer another great loss. I am, and it cut me so deep. The realization that all the kids will leave and I will be the lady left carrying the bag. The dog lady.

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November and the Holidays are rushing forwards.

November 4th, 2009

Usually I am a Holiday lover. I love the feel in the air when you shop. Christmas music bellows out from every store, most people are chipper and people say “Merry Christmas” and those trying to be politically correct say “Happy Holidays” Whatever you say you get that feeling in your heart that reminds you of the important things in your life…. your family usually. This year I don’t know how I’m going to get through them. I mean it. I’m way past getting excited over the new electric knife the kids think “I must have,” the presents from friends and the baking. Okay, I lied. I don’t bake. I have someone do my baking. Okay, I lied again. The Mister.

This button was made for me.... Trust me, I'm a Doctor.

My husband does the baking and he is a awesome cook. The best in fact. This year we have only two kids left at home so he thought he might try “spicing” it up and try new recipes. Well, he made fudge from a Paula Dean recipe book and it has velveeta cheese in it. Yeah, I tried it anyway. Not so much. I told him, “Spice” up anything but the fudge. I love me the chocolate minus the cheese please. He didn’t reply so maybe he thinks I’m unthankful. I really am actually. He has done all the baking our whole married life. I went through a whole summer one year making and baking every recipe out of Mrs Fields cookies book. I made triple batches of everything. Lots of cookies. I decided maybe I could bake for a living. Isn’t that the funnest thing I have ever said out loud. Me baking. Well, the cookies were scrumptious let me tell you. Probably packed on ten pounds that summer. My niece Christine looked forward to each days production. Okay, so I’ve veered off where I was going. Maybe because if I write it down here and I force myself to see what I think I will be scared shitless.

This year I have no Father. I have no sister to whom I consider wiser and no one else appreciates the depth of my sorrow. David’s folks are alive. They live in the same town as we do. We see them about 4 times a year. 3 times accidentally or when we go to their house to pick up their garbage and take it to the dump and then of course Christmas. Yep, we all get together once a year and pretend to know one another. You know, my family we are real. We get mad, we get real mad, we say shit then the next day we are over it and begin anew. That is how I think all families are. In reality there are more families that don’t ever talk about “real” stuff except the prices of groceries, the tea in China and the weather. What is it with the weather anyway? Who gives a shit? I mean really, we all get together and the best we can do is talk about the weather? I have so much better things to do with my time. Pssh. Weather. Waste of daylight. Waste of air. Waste of a good pair of cowboy boots too.

Okay, now. I am going to have to get through this season of Holidays without my most important peeps. If I don’t get through this year I can’t make it to next year now can I? I have truthfully considered suicide on bad days. I would never have the courage to actually do it because quite frankly I don’t like pain, I hate the heat and in hell it is hot and I could never leave my kids and sister Bonne. I live for them. I thought about going to see a doctor about what ails me. Let’s see, my knee hurts super bad with the “weather” changing. (Hey, I thought up the Christmas meal topic right here.) I think I have a shin splint, I can’t sleep, I have terrible insomnia, I have no energy and feel fat. Well, I more than feel fat, I am fat. So the conversation would go like this.

Me: ” Hello doctor with whom I’ve never known because I’m healthy as a horse and thought no need to build any sort of relationship with cuz I am healthy as a horse. A horse I tell you.. Except now. Now I’m sick as a dog.) I’m depressed, can’t sleep, can’t muster up any energy, feel like being grouchy and my knee is really killing me. So, since I begrudgingly came in, here is the list of what I need. (This is where I will explain to the doctor that I do indeed play a doctor on TV)

Me:” Do you have a pad and paper handy Doctor?” Okay, I need Prozac, xanax, flexerill, ambien, and while you are writing up scripts for those, go ahead and send me to the lab and have them draw my blood. My husband is convinced he is healthier than me so we play this blood game every year where we see who has higher cholesterol, blood pressure and triglycerides. He takes medicine for all that and I don’t because well I’m healthy. I guess he figures since I’m fat I must be more unhealthy than him. This little test he likes costs me about $125.00 a year but it makes me look good. Worth the price I’d say.”

Doctor (Stunned just staring at me) ” You would like me to just write all this down and just give it to you Mrs. Christian?”

Me: “Yah, that would certainly get me out of here fast, right before I need another cup of coffee.”

Doctor: “So, where did you say you went to med school?”

Me (Long pause) :” I read books.. All doctor books. I also read every veterinarian book that has been printed. I have read and reread them. I like to stay in the know. Know what I mean>?”

Doctor:” Um… mental health is two streets up.” Ha hahahaha I don’t reckon she would just give me what I want. Something about medical degrees etc.

I take a fistful of vitamins every night. I eat horrible all day. I try to sit down between one and two in the afternoon and eat some lunch meat with cheddar cheese and crackers. I do this every single day. Takes out the guess work. Today the dogs ate a whole pound of Roast beef. Sneaks. So, I’ll be stuck with turkey and gallo salami until shopping day. I also don’t do any grocery shopping. The mister works at the grocery store. He knows what is a good deal and what isn’t a good deal. When I go shopping I buy what I want to eat right now. I also buy a lot of stuff we won’t eat. You know all the girls in my family have this candy issue. Some are sicker over candy than others but we all like to have a lot of candy around. I like to have A LOT. If there is all kinds I don’t eat it. NO need. But if there is NO candy I start looking around to see if the Mister has regular chocolate chips and not that terrible semi sweet shit. Today I ate a pudding. Shot a squirt of whipped cream on it and well.. it still tasted terrible. No need for Calcium tonight. Pudding and whipped cream have milk in them don’t they?

I made sweet and sour chicken with rice for dinner. I have made dinner two nights in a row. I must be becoming some sort of domestic Goddess. Isnt’ that so hilarious? I also cleaned and swept the barn, reorganized dogs, clipped toe nails, did booster shots, trimmed behinds, and sat and just accepted their unconditional love. There really is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Um… I guess I forgot what I sat down to write about…. The Holidays. Guess I’m talking about everything else to keep my mind off of “it”. We will save that for another day.

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Halloween 2009

October 31st, 2009

Happy Stinkin' Halloween.

I didn’t really want to to see Rocky Horror Picture Show with the peeps. It quite frankly sounded dumb. I agreed to go way back in June. Cait and David go every year now. This was their third time. It was very, very entertaining. I smiled and laughed out loud. It is hecka crazy, people who are clearly senior citizens and those that are haggy, saggy and baggy were all dressed in drag. Some wore bra’s and slips. Wild show. The whole thing took them a lot of preparation and it showed. I’m so thankful I went.

I’m tired. I’m still not sleeping which you already know by the fact it is two oclock in ther freaking morning and I’m downstairs once again. Went upstairs to sleep, got all set and tried to fall asleep when my dogs started going wild. Colton is pacing up and down the driveway sharing “special” time with his girlfriend. It’s like the dogs see him every day all day long. But, the dogs are barking. I think partially because normal people to walk in the cold at two in the morning. I think they are barking and it is their way of laughing.

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On the road again? Nope gonna learn to deal “with it”

October 28th, 2009

I’m still alive believe it or not. I have survived 3 months without my dad and 2 months without my sister., I’m not going to lie it has been terrible. I miss my dad more than I can write about here. No words have been produced to accurately articulate what is missing in my heart and life. I have stayed VERY busy in my daily life.

I spent 3 days in Sacramento and have been to Portland twice. Driving is where I have discovered I can really think. No distractions, no music just me and my own mind. I realize when I’m gone or not home the pain is not as acute. We own this house so I don’t see us going anywhere soon. I have to learn to deal with myself and my own grief. When I went to Portland to deliver dogs and be with my sisters kids I brought Serina along. It is critically important to me to keep the people left standing together. Our numbers are dwindling as a family. We had a great time.

Serina, Erica and Bonne shopped all day everyday and I stayed at the house with Mike (Kim’s hubby) and lounged around in my nightgown and did cross stitch. I have also learned that focusing on small tasks and lots of them helps defray my grief as well. Mike is sick. He has kidney stones and is too sick in bed to sit up. He is taking the pain pills and is “out of it” most of the trip there. I have never had one…knock on wood but if his pain is an indication it isn’t pretty. When I got home my dogs were so excited. My kids meh, my dogs were doing what they always do. Cheering me up, kissing me, trying to crawl under my skin, giving me the welcome home I’ve come to expect and love. No new babies this week. Everyone is good.

I’m going to try and sleep in my own room (like a big girl). I’ve only slept upstairs twice since my dad died. I had previously slept downstairs on my chair or the couch so I could hear my dad. Now, it is a mental thing. I know it is but it is sooo hard to stay upstairs. I know he is dead but I feel closer to him when I’m downstairs. I haven’t gone out with friends in a long time. I am hermit-esque and prefer it that way right now. I try to avoid any situations where people are going to ask me “how am I doing?” and of course the “I am so sorry for your loss”. I’m sure people are sorry for me. I’m pretty pathetic right now. Staying home and staying busy is what I need to do. I miss my friends but not enough to leave the house just yet. This pain is so deep in my soul. When I consciously think about my Dad and I never talking again it burns me. It feare singed. I know I’m not the only person who has suffered 2 deaths in one month but for me this is not make believe. Memory of my dad.. When I was about 13 my Dad, my brother Tommy and the older guy I was in love with (Richard Lee) drove to Oregon from Cali to scope out a place to live. Well we stopped in the redwoods and my dad made “dinner.” To my Dad dinner is 2 pieces of ham slapped into two pieces of wonder bread. Well this night he decided to bring out the ever faithful coleman stove and made a can or two of baked beans. I told my dad I don’t eat beans and he smacked me on the head with the bean spoon and some of the beans got in my hair. I was so humiliated, Richard saw it. I still don’t eat beans except snow peas and green beans. Garbanzo, black eyed peas, kidney, Navy etc. Not so much. Another memory was when we found a bldg in Medford to open up my dad’s used furniture store my sister and I would sleep on the bunk beds in the shop. We didn’t rent anything because my Dad and Mom wanted to try it out first. We would sit on the back cemented area and “shower” with the hose in our bathing suits. On Saturday night my Dad would rent a motel room so we could take a real shower and we could eat at Kings’ Table. Of course Saturday night cuz dad didn’t want dirty girls at church. LOL

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I am still alive. Keep the prayers coming please.

October 26th, 2009

I’m in Portland Oregon. Came Thursday night as my brother in law was going to the hospital in severe pain. Turns out it is kidney stones and the doctor said they are comparable to giving birth. You know, i’m wondering about that. He was a man and thus nary a baby has come from a womb how does he say such a thing? I have seen Mike in pain for 4 full days now. Serina came with me and my sister, Bonne spent two nights with me. It is so nice to be with the peeps. We are all we have left so we have to keep together. Christine made between fall bracelets for all the girls. I bought ladybug’s made out of Swarvoski crystals for everyone. Serina’s offering was plucking eyebrows and man hair on all of us. Too funny. Mike is tolerating us by being doped out of his mind. I don’t know about the birthing comment but it looks pretty darn close. I’m going home tomorrow. Hopefully he will pass this one today.

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I am a little better.

October 22nd, 2009

Well. What can I say really? Every day I am still so sad. I miss my Dad/best friend and companion. You know how people use the word “fierce” for nothing? I miss my Dad something fierce. I am having a really hard time pulling myself up this time. I’m usually so resilient but nay. The person (Kim my oldest sister) “my person” that I would call and cry to and look to for advice and coping skills died too. I have one sister and one brother left. I know I should be greatful for still having them and I am. It’s just different when almost all your past is gone. Staying home all day every day is my little secret. Um I’m a real life hermit except for on weekends when I deliver dogs. I stay home and just change from one pair of pajamas to the next sans shower. I’m so unsophisticated.
Everyday I have to really fight the urge to pack up and leave. Never turn back. Only one problem with that. My head has to go along. When people say to me “I’m so sorry for your loss” I appreciate it but think we should find a new word that really hits what I am feeling. More like screwed and their are no people for me to tell.
Dogs, dogs, puppies they are the reason I’m still alive. I’m afraid without the steady loving of my dogs I would be…. Let’s not think about it.

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Lovely cops in Oregon.

October 15th, 2009

Now a good start to for a good day.

RIP Kim Alyce Boulanger-White

Beloved Daughter, Sister, Friend, Wife and Mother.

Kim Alyce Boulanger-White

July 12,1959-August 24,2009

Holy Crap. I am so devastated deep in my soul. Deep places in my very solar plexes in spots where I didn’t know I could hurt. I think I know, actually am more acutely aware of what it feels like to have your heart being ripped from your chest. An ache I have never felt. Like part of me is being shredded apart.

My oldest sister (and Mom figure) died on August 24th. Yes. If you are keeping up with these things 2 major relatives in 5 weeks. I am still so deeply mourning my Father. I miss him so much. Sitting here typing about him makes me tear up. I have realized something. My children have maybe seen me cry 2-4 times in their whole lives. I’m not a crier…. I wasn’t until now. My tears are always sitting on the rim of my eyes. I cry for no real reason. I think of something I want to tell my Dad and each time the memories flood right in. Like every time I have to relive the fact that he isn't in my house, on my land and I can't crawl up on his bed and just sit and hold his hand and talk about the stupid parts of my day. He always wanted me to tell him about the puppies and the Mom's. Tears are everywhere. I feel like since my Father and sister died I’m a walking zombie. I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate.

My sister, Kim, Kenny (the groom) and Michael my brother-in-law

Kimmie dancing with Kenny. She was so proud this day.

I’m so alone. No one left who understands what being a Boulanger is. Boulanger is not simply a name. It is a way of life. It is a doing word. Boulanger’s always show up. Boulanger’s always come together during any crisis no matter how much we might be mad at each other. For all intensive purposes “Boulanger” is a verb. I tried talking to my youngest sister, Bonne about our heritage. She was too young. Boulanger means nothing to her. I don’t think it is something you can make another person appreciate or understand. I can tell her what it means to me but she won’t feel it in her core like I do. It seems like when I try to convey to the kids about my Mom there is this mist in front of their eyes. You can read about someone but unless you hear their laugh, or hear them talk you are missing the essence of the person.

I wonder if this is how it is supposed to feel when you are really old (not young like me of course) and everyone you love dies before you?? My sister just turned 50. That is young. Really young. Her big thing was that she out lived our Mother (died at 45) and she made it to the age of 50. Her second wish was that she could dance at her son’s wedding which she did. July 25th she danced. She danced with her son and she danced with her husband.

You know, I’m having a serious crisis of faith. I wonder why God would allow this to happen.?? Then I think about people who lose their whole family in fires or car accidents and I understand that is worse for sure. My beef is the amount of family I am actually left with. Not much. There are 4 Boulanger kids left. No Mom, no dad and No big sister. The older sister I’m left with, now that Kimmie is not here, has no morals and we don’t speak. Not every family is perfect I know. I’m certainly NOT perfect but I do like to live my life as if “I’m better than that” philosophy. My brother, Tommy lives in Renton, Washington and has 3 kids and 3 grandkids. We don’t get to see each other often enough.
You know the 8 nights I spent in the hospital’s parking garage left me A LOT of time to think. No Internet and no computer left me with nothing else to do but think about stuff before my 4 Tylenol Pm’s would kick in. I’m sad. I’m sad that my Mom didn’t get to see any of my kids, I’m sad when people have a Mother and chose not to be involved with her. My sister’s passing has taught me that I always need to end every conversation with people I care about to say “I love you” before hanging up.

I was Kim’s last phone call. Happened the night before her heart attack. She phoned me at 11:40 ish. She phoned me because she was frustrated that the nurses “had not given her anything for her pain” and she was greatly distressed and in agony. My final words to her were “What room are you in? I’ll take care of it.” She then told me the nurse was there and she would call me in the morning when she woke up. I didn’t tell her I loved her, not because I didn’t. I just assumed this hospitalization would be like all the others. She goes into the hospital they pump her with antibiotics and she goes home until MRSA gets her again. I know that regrets don’t fix things. But my regret hopefully will be turned into an action. Never finish a call without saying “I love you more.”

If you know me you know I’ve been dreaming of my tattoo. The one I can’t get and stay married with.. I have decided I don’t want it to say “Love never fails” because it does all of the time. Instead… I want my tattoo to say simply “I remember.”

Kimmie with her best friends, Ziggy and Harley

Rest in Peace Kimmie. I remember...

Now you know why I've been so quiet. My sister has died.

http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?n=kim-a-white&pid=132070823

Where are my angels?

Where are my angels?

I’m not asking this to be an ass or a pain or in vain? I mean it with all my heart. Don’t we all grow up thinking that we have a guardian angel hovering just above us making sure things are going the way they are supposed to? I grew up and really believed that I was going to lead a charmed life because well… I had angels. They loved me; they watched over me and protected me.
I realize now that my angels must be on an extended vacation or that I have been such a bad person they left me because NO ONE is watching over me. NO ONE. I'm all alone now. Oh, Heather, that is blasphemy right? I don’t care. I’m having a crisis of faith. My Dad died.. (Yes, we all know that. I’m not talking about that, just mentioning it has been little more than a month.) I’m asking you, where are my angels?

I have been given more that I can bare. MORE than I can bare, get it I'm Not Job from the bible. I don’t know how I can be more broken. I’m literally breaking down. It is hard to lift my eyes they are so tired let alone to walk and accept this proudly. I have spent 4 days now sleeping in my car in the hospital's parking lot. Tonight I’m “styling.” I’m staying in a van versus my little Hyundai. I'm planning on taking enough sleeping pills where I can sleep with my body in the car and my legs sticking out. Gets to a point of exhaustion where it doesn’t matter. It’s all good. I Can’t leave my sister and sleep some where farther away. What if she wakes up? I want to be the second face she sees so if that means I sleep in the parking lot and wash my hair in the labor and delivery bathroom that is what I’ll do. I roll that way. All for family. The Boulanger way.

I have tried hard to be brave for my nieces and nephew. I have tried to be “stoic” and not cry. Think positively everyone. We can do this. I do however recognize this is the hospital where my most beloved sister lays. I’m an orphan and have had my oldest sister, Kim act as a “Mom” figure for me. Let me explain something I don’t really fully understand myself. When I’m scared, stressed, freaked or confused all it takes is for me to hear Kim's voice on the other phone and whatever I have been holding in comes barreling out. Just the sound of her voice on the phone saying “Heddi, what is going on?” comforts me. She is my person. The person you don't decide to be the person. They are the safe place. You hear their voice and know you can surrender all that is in your heart. She will know instinctively/intuitively that stuff is going on and always phones me when I need her the most.

She had cancer some 5 odd years ago. My Double radical mastectomy sister, Kim. She has been so sick since then. Not from a reoccurrence of cancer but infections followed by infections. She complains incessantly about how she hates taking the chemo pills everyday because they make her feel like she has the flu but she has dutifully taken them so she could stay cancer free. Infection free… not so much. We just had a surprise 50th birthday in July for her. Oh man, she had so many fans there at her party. She got more loot than a 50 year old woman should get. LoL. My sister is the corner stone of our whole family. She keeps things rolling along.

What do you do when the cornerstone of your house collapses? You crumble to your knees? You fall down and don’t get up? Why can’t I be that selfish? Let go and leave it to others? Why do I have to always be the grown up? I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream and never stop… WHY>????

She switched chemo pills recently and started feeling better. What did she do when she was finally feeling better? She came down and spent a week with me. She chose to come down and be with me the minute she felt better. I am so blessed to have her in my life. She is my sister, my mother and my friend. She always allies with me, always has my back and is a believer in our most sacred Boulanger heritage. We are a dying breed and we love to talk about what being a Boulanger means to us.

She is the person who holds me together when my husband can’t. When it takes a woman’s hand, someone to kick my butt when I need it. (She would never say “butt” out loud. She is prim and proper and Yes, I’m sure we are the same blood line.) She is everything a girl could aspire to be. She loves her family fiercely. As lady like as she is, she would claw out your eyeballs if you came for one of the family. She is protective. She is the mother looking after her cubs. She is emotional, cries easily and loves everyone. She is my role model; she puts the best foot forward. People either love her or hate her but she is real. If everyone loves you I don't think you are making a difference. You aren't living.

Why all this Kimmie talk? These thoughts should have been expressed here so much earlier. She is “My person.” If you don’t know what I mean I don’t care. My person. She is my person. She is also right now lying in a hospital bed and I believe brain dead. I’ve been sleeping in my car for the past 4 days in the hospital parking lot. No, not looking for sympathy really, just can’t bear to leave the lot. I’m thinking she will wake up right when I leave. I can’t have that. My person needs to see me. I need to see her. I sit in the waiting room day after day waiting for my allotted 15 minute turn at seeing her. It is so discouraging. I started out with such faith that God knew how much I could handle, he knew I just lost my Dad and am walking such a thin line mentally. He and his angels have given up on me. They don’t care about me because I’m at the end of my rope. My sister comes to Kaiser for an infection is up and talking and they find her a half hour later neither breathing or heart beating. We don’t know how long it was between the half hour of being scene last and being found in that state. We have been told that it only took one turn at the paddles and she came back. (They explained this was the good part… Only having to use the paddles once.) Oh, how hopeful. We are Boulanger’s and we beat the odds. We always do. Don’t we?

God he knows. He knows how much I love her. He knows how much we all still need her. He knows how much I’m alone when she dies and yet she hangs on a ventilator and feeding tubes and I can’t stand not to hope. No one will say out loud what we are all thinking. That she is no longer living in the body being held together by a feeding tube and a ventilator. It is too scary a thought. She has three kids and a husband that need her. NEED HER.

Instead we talk quietly around it, afraid if we verbalize what everyone is thinking we might jinx the miracle. The miracle her husband and we so desperately need. But, I don’t believe in miracles. Suppose it has been a long time coming. Who can say they have seen a real miracle? I mean a real miracle? Not even so sure about what I believe about prayer right now. I have lost so much. I suppose it is really conceited for me to wonder what I have done/haven’t done that has made the ones I love around me die. Would God really kill my sister and cause her family to suffer to teach me a lesson? Would he take a mother to teach a sister a lesson? I don’t think that is true yet I can’t shake the feeling I’m supposed to be learning something. I’m desperate for any clue as to why. WHY? Does anyone have an answer? I’ll grasp straws. I’ll roll the dice. At this point I’d just about do anything to make tomorrow not happen. I don’t want to go to the “family meeting.” I want to scream so loud. I want to run away. Today I actually contemplated starting a scene so I could drive away and not look back. I can’t do that because we Boulanger’s, we stick together. Since we are almost instinct, we best keep to our kind. I don’t need any more prayers. God is not listening. He…

Opposums, blah, blah, Deer ticks and my Dad.

Well I’m doing better considering what I have been through. I can’t stop thinking about my Dad. A trip to Costco and walking past the mixed nuts he loved makes me weepy. Then the pork tamales he loved them too. I have been getting a lot of advice lately. Some asked for and some unsolicited. All of it the same, “It will get better.” I know that to be true but it doesn’t exactly help when I’m knee deep in self pity. Poor Heather, she is an orphan, blah blah blah. I don’t care if you understand it, it is how I feel. I’m struggling. Having to drive up to Portland to see Kim's doctor to have her look at Kim's new lumps has put another fear in me. She has been so sick since her bout with breast cancer. I'm freaked I'm going to lose her too. I have done enough crying this year. It is August no more grief for this year. I have already had 2 people die in my house. Not sure but thinking that is sufficient. If the lumps she found have not shrunk by Tuesday they are going to do surgery and remove the lymph nodes and then biopsy them. I'm a Boulanger and that means we always think the worst.

Tonight Colton’s dog Wynne was scratching under the kitchen sink.

<--- Colton and scary Opossum #1

I went out there to investigate and we had opossums crawling into the area around the sink thinking how nice and toasty it was. Wynne started barking, they started hissing like crazy, I nearly peed my pants and then all the dogs started barking. It’s like duh. I’m right here dogs, I see those scary little Satan eyes staring up at me. Barking makes them scared, they hiss louder and then I holler for Colton. We started out with one, than two now we have located 4 so far.

We are relocating them out in the woods. I worry if left by the house they could bite one of my dogs or a dog could eat one and leave it’s stinky carcass some where on the lawn. I mow the lawn, and dead decaying opossum guts fly up at me. Not so much. Relocation is the only answer.

I’m not complaining about living out in the country. On the contrary, I love it. I love the deers, the wild turkeys, I feed all the birds, and the occasional fox. I haven’t seen any bears in a long time. I think that having my dogs all over the property makes them follow our creek to the river instead of going across the grassy knoll. I don’t complain about how I can’t plant much because the deers think of my yard as “the garden of eaten.” I in fact had bought a deer lick. David explained there is a reason that the worst ticks are called “deer ticks” I don’t purposely feed them I don’t want a tick to get on my dog and I’m afraid of Lyme’s disease.

I’m going to try to do one thing a day out of my comfort zone. Today I went to Costco and for the first time I left the house in years I didn’t keep calling the kids to check on Grandpa. I think I should be glad he is in a “better place”. I’m not feeling it yet. Hey, I found the coolest thing to do with Snapfish.com. I uploaded all the pictures I wanted of my Dad and the kids etc and have ordered a real book. It is like a yearbook with those kind of pages. Way cool. I’m also going to start scrap booking with Serina, Brittany, Joy and Mandy once a month. This way I can be with them, they can all meet and we can share the pictures with one another. We can share idea’s and I have WAY too much stuff for one person to use. Like everything else if I do it I always “Go Big”. Go big or go home.

Boulanger language, Canada, crazy accents and the process of grieving.

(Written 4 days ago.)
So I’m on the ferry heading back to Port Angeles. (Three hours early.) Only supposed to be 2 hours early just like at the airport, but David is anal. It is over 99 degrees and way too hot to be in the car. We found a nice little shady area and ate our meat, cheese and crackers. Quite romantic actually. Some fools stayed in their cars. One person was in a wheelchair and she couldn’t get out. I wonder how many cases of heat stroke they face each day? Everyone up here is saying it is “unseasonally” warm up here. I’m like WTH? I was looking forward to to the cool air. Actually I’m smiling as I type this because I actually spent most of my time up here in the excellent room or in the AC car. The rooms are so nice and cool. They do not AC the hallways to the rooms. So it is like going from hell to heaven when you open your room door. I love Canada. I wish we could move here and have a fresh start somewhere. No one holding us back. I love Oregon so much tho. Canada is a lot like Oregon, so I could adjust. I love their coinage too.

I’m afraid to go home. When I’m here it is like “that life” doesn’t exist. Like I’m not the disconsolate orphan that I am. I know I’m a big girl and need to put my “big girl panties” on but I don’t want to. The ferry is moving now and I’m hot as hell. I don’t sweat well. I paid enough that they should have a personal fan for me. Don’t they know I’m a world renowned breeder from the states? I don’t think that they care. I’m sure there are some Doctors on here and I don’t see their personal fans. Luckily for me the ferry is turning around and I’m in the shade. Not much consolation considering I think it is still 90 in the shade. I miss my kids. I miss my chair. I miss the deer, bet no one has fed my wild birds. The deer are mad there has been no extra seed left out for them.

Cody and Erica have been staying at the house since my Dad died. It is nice to have them there as a back up because Colton is in love. I mean in love with a girl who hates his sister and me. Nice huh? We will win her over to our side. We are all that and she will come to know that. I hope she will go to Jennifer’s wedding in Caiti’s place. It would be nice to have a real bit of time with her and let her get to know us how we really are. She was very hurtful to Caiti a few years ago. I said something, Caiti shouldn’t have repeated it. Blah, blah. Let’s forget the fact that I shouldn’t have put my nose where it didn’t belong. She hurt Caiti and as a Mom that hurts me. Everyone grows and changes and she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Colton thinks the sun rises and sets on her so we will see.

I keep thinking I should be thankful for what I do have in my life and quit dwelling on what I don’t have but I’m not there yet. I have such a hole. If I allow myself to think about it for a minute I bawl my eyes out. I find myself saying it a lot too. “My dad died.” Like some how it will sink in better?!! I’m not sure actually. A bead of sweat is actually rolling down my back between my shoulder blades. UGH. I feel grouchy now. Lots of foreigners on this ferry. Speaking all of their different languages.

I may start a language of my own. I have used an Australian/british accent here. It drives David crazy, but I’m having some fun. Crazy is where I come from. My Dad and I had our own fake languages. One of them was the number language. We would go out to restaurants and say random numbers and converse through the whole meal with our fake talk. People would look so strangely at us. Ha. Then we had a fake language we would speak that was gibberish. Sounded like Arabic/Chinese/Spanish/whatever. It was so fun. My kids would never play either of those games with me. My Dad and I did fool them sometimes before they got old enough to understand and wouldn’t play. I still have grandkids planned for in the future. Perhaps they will play the gibberish language with me. I’ll be old then, it will be more acceptable I imagine. The kids can play it off as “crazy old Mom.”

What being a Boulanger means to me.

LOVE NEVER DIES... BOULANGER

I have tried my best to explain what being a Boulanger has meant to me and David just doesn’t understand. He can’t figure out why I can’t/don’t embrace the Christian name like I do the Boulanger name. Boulanger is where I come from. Christian is who I am now. I want so badly to get a tattoo on my foot that says “Love never dies” Then underneath it the name Boulanger. My way of reminding myself of how important it has and is in my life. Getting a tattoo is where my husband apparently “draws the line in the sand”. So, all the crazy stuff I have done doesn’t warrant a threat but marking my OWN body is where I get a divorce?? I wonder to If my desire to get a tattoo is to distract me. I don’t know anything really right now. I know I’m mad at God . Why did I have to be one of the people who doesn’t get to grow old with their parents? My kids know their grandpa and I’m so blessed for that.

When I try to talk with my kids about my Mom and how dynamic she was and that I’m a lot like her they act like I’m trying to teach them about history and some person who didn’t exist. How can I tell your kids about a woman who made me into the Mom I am now? She was the best Mom ever.

I'm going to work in my yard.

Have you ever felt like hiding or running away?? I have hid from my whole family and crawled into the nursery and hid with a blanket when I have been overwhelmed. I have dreamt secretly about driving away. You know how sometimes you read about people who just drive away and don’t look back? I have thought about it myself. I could never bring myself to do it but I have sure thought about it plenty. Raising 4 kids is hard work. Home schooling even harder. Making sure the kids had what they needed education wise was an arduous task but well worth it. My husband going back to school and being stressed out has made me ponder divorce a lot. I have actually told him that it is “Good that we are poor otherwise we would be divorced.” He doesn’t believe in divorce unless of course I get a tattoo. Stupid. But who is the stupid one? You ever dream of running away or is it just me?

Right now I’m sitting in a ferry. I’m headed somewhere in Canada with David. We have already been on a ferry today and it was okay. Then we got to the next ferry and have had to sit around in the car and walk around Port Angeles all day. I’m becoming irritated by all the chatter.

<---The Ferry people

There were people who got out of their cars in the staging area and began chatting each other up. It annoyed me. I mean really annoyed me. They are never going to see each other again and they are practically pulling out their hibachi’s and cooking hot dogs together. I sat in the car playing solitaire on my phone. I thought to myself I could make friends like that too. What is the use tho? One of the strangers ended up trying to sell the other one something. Like a true car salesman. I laughed when I heard the word “sell.” David spent his seven hours having dinner with me, walking around this town and then cleaning out the car. Gotta keep things tidy.

<--BUTCHART GARDENS

I am looking forward to being alone tomorrow when he goes golfing. I will have 5-6 hours alone time. I have not been alone (cept for toilet) since my Dad died. Like I’m being monitored almost. Crazy thing. Sunday was Erica Barcus’ birthday. She turned 20. Her Mom texted her. Her dad called and told her he was sorry but had been too busy to send a card. Not so nice I’m afraid. When did birthdays quit mattering? This poor girl has parents who aren’t parenting her. She deserves more.

I told you I was on vacation right now right? Well, when David was in the planning stages I told him to make all the plans and I would go. He planned it for “US” at a golfing resort. Did I mention I don’t golf? I watch it on TV with him but there is no allure for me. Chasing a ball …. Not so much. Soon as he takes up scrap booking, beading, cross stitching I will take my first golf lesson. I like the hobbies I do. I also like researching stuff on line about dogs. Always starts and ends with dogs for me.

Speaking of dogs my Dad’s dog, GIGI is so sad. She goes and lays under the covers in the room she shared with my Dad. It breaks my heart to see her scratching to get in there. I know she knows he is not here. She smelled him and kissed him goodbye before I let the morticians take him. It was so hard to give my Dad the last kiss I will ever give him and never be able to look into his eyes and know he knows exactly what I’m saying with just my eyes. Who does that? Me and my Dad. We shared the same history, I was “his girl” as a young girl. Went everywhere with him. Had a few bad years with him during teenage years and then nothing but sharing our coffee every morning with creamer and whipped cream?? No one likes coffee like we do. Haven’t perked a pot since he passed. Don’t want whipped cream. This part is going to seem creepy I think but I have slept in his bed for 4 nights. Once I’m in the room I don’t ever want to go out into the main house. Once I’m in the main house I don’t want to walk past his room at all. Wish I could unbuild it. I don’t exactly know what is going on but that is what is happening with me. Maybe I am insane?

I tried to be the best daughter, care giver I know how to be. I still have regrets. I wasn’t with him when he died. He died all alone. I would never want that for anyone to die alone. I sat in the room with my computer blaring music and playing on Face book until 3 AM. I was singing my heart out loud. He didn’t complain. I put the baby monitor right by my head and laid on the couch. I fell asleep and slept until 8 AM. I hadn’t slept in weeks. He had been so antsy. (A week earlier he had fallen out of the bed.) He died without me by his side. I let him down. I will never get over that. I should have been there. I should have been holding his hand, singing, praying instead of sleeping.

My Father died. I'm totally alone now.

RIP

THOMAS GEORGE BOULANGER

MARCH 18, 1937-JULY 16, 2009

OMG I have just survived the most harrowing week of my life. My Daddy died on July 16th.
We knew this time he must really be dying. For the past two years we have been on the “death” watch as each time we left the hospital I was admonished to spend time with him because he was dying after all. Well, two years later and he did it. He died on me. I did not give him my permission. I didn’t want to be an orphan. That is what I am now. I have no parents. I am parent less. No more Father’s Day!! No more laying in bed with him just holding hands and reminiscing. Never again. That is so permanent.

I have no one left in this whole world who loves me unconditionally and that cuts me to the quick. Oh, those around me would say that they love me “unconditionally” but that is a lie. They might mean it, but I know that it isn’t true. I’m 45 I know the harsh realities. My family has all been keeping me busy reorganizing and cleaning and etc. I have cried a lot. But those tears are the ones that are “acceptable” tears. I haven’t had the good cry yet. The soul crying I know it is here it is always brimming up to the surface, bubbling and yet not allowed to be heard or seen. I need to do this in private.

David planned a vacation (during the time my Dad was put on hospice) for this week. He wanted to go to Canada. I didn’t plan to go. I went and did the passport photo’s and never really intending to go. If my Dad was alive I would stay home. He was going to be alive so all the cooperating with my husband was just my ruse. I was pretending to want to go.

My Dad died and now I’m on vacation. Does that make sense to you? My heart is broken and yet I trudge through all the tourist spots in Canada. I cry special tears because my Dad always wanted to come here. We talked about it a lot when I was a kid. He wanted to live here. It is gorgeous here. I feel a bit renewed. I feel sad too because I don't get to go home and tell him all about it. It crushed me one morning when I woke up and my first thought was "I can't wait to tell Dad."

I have been doing A LOT of soul searching this week. I go from guilt to sorrow to anger at my sisters and then back to the deep unending loneliness. I feel as if I have been set a drift. I have taken care of my Dad for over 7 years and just the past 2 years has he been really bed ridden. I could always use my Dad as an excuse for the in-law functions. If I didn’t want to do/be somewhere “MY DAD” worked. I am a hermit at heart. I love being home. I love it more than anything. I wish I never had to leave my home in reality. It might be a sickness but who knows. The only thing that would make me happier being home is if it took visitors to hop into a tractor to reach my home. No cars could go over the terrain. Alas, no tractors are needed.
I can’t remember if I blogged about my Dad’s premonition or not. I find myself thinking about my “home invader” and how I can best protect my family. Was it just my Father’s crazy talk, lack of oxygen or was it a real premonition and why would God warn me through him? Is something worse going to happen?

I can’t do worse. I can barely function in my daily activities. If it weren’t for my dogs I would lie in bed and not get up. My dogs still need to go out, they still need to be let in. I need to watch the Mommy’s and love on their babies. I’m an orphan dontcha know. I’m 45 and an orphan. I could feel sorry for myself if I allow it. Some people suck hard and they are still alive. My Dad was everything rolled into one person. My past. My history. Where I come from.

When my Mom died 22 years ago I was only 21 and didn’t even have any children of my own yet. I knew what her being dead meant. Nothing was to prepare me for my Father’s death. It is different this time. I know how permanent it is now.

My Father lived with me in my house with my family. Everywhere I went he went. My Father was my mentor, my guide, my companion and the best friend I will ever have in my life and now I have lost that. I’m not anchored. I feel like I’m floating. I wonder if this lack of connection is what a midlife crisis feels like. Haven’t had one. Never intended to anyway. I don’t want to seem like I’m not thankful for my kids and my hubby. I love them but now I’m rootless. I have no one backing me up from my past. My heritage, my people. My kids don’t appreciate what it means to be a Boulanger. They don’t appreciate it and aren’t willing to fight for what it stands for. Being a Boulanger means everything to me. I MEAN EVERYTHING. We are a dying breed, the heritage, pride and sense of loyalty is waning. I want it to mean something to my children. My sisters and I know that being a Boulanger means we can get mad at one another, swear them off until they call.

It is displaced loyalty where you know that NO matter what we have each others back. No matter what.

I don’t think I instilled that in my children. It is a feeling in your soul. Rest in Peace Dad. I will never forget you... I promise.

Where am I? Why am I here and why can't I

I don't know how long it has been since I last posted. I reckon if I wasn't so thoroughly exhausted I would look backwards to see. Maybe it is because I don't really care how long it has been. My Dad is declining this time. Every other time we went to the hospital my dad came out of "it" and we were a little bit less mentally, or physically but he came back. This time it feels different to me. The daily reminders of the CNA that comes out to the house to help bathe him makes it real. Everytime I have to call hospice the first thing they say to me is "Your Dad is really sick". I think there must be some special code in my chart that says that they think I'm in denial. I'm not in denial... not really. I just have been told for so long that my Dad was on his last leg and we pull him out. Now his mind is going. It feels weird to me to be giving him morphine when he isn't visibly in pain. They told me that with his severe neuropathy he possibly doesn't feel the chest pain but his agitation stems from the pain and manifests in agitation, restlessness and lack of appetite. I'm scared shitless really. During this whole last hospitalization I have been slowly accepting the inevitable. I feel like maybe if I had put him on a stringent diet he wouldn't be in such bad shape now. He is a grown man and I can't be in charge of what he chose to eat for all the years prior but I enabled him by buying him whatever comfort food he wanted.I will write more when I'm not falling asleep between each thought. I'm beyond tired. I'm thankful fo rthe help I do have

Hospice. Does that mean? Nah. I'm a Boulanger those rules don't apply.

Well how have I been? I have been getting excited for the annual “Boulanger week long beach trip.” Bonne was arriving Friday and we were leaving from Saturday until next Saturday June 20-27th. Oh my God, I need a vacation. No responsiblities, just chilling with my relatives. We have been looking for almost a year for this token souvenir. All getting online together and googling for just the right thing to commemorate this years trip.

God. God has a sense of humor. Yep, funny guy.

Not so good. My dad had a doctors appt the Wednesday before the trip. We got him up and dressed. I was expecting this big, fat office visit to be all kudos’s for my dad because he has been on a diet for 4 months. His blood sugars are good, his triglycerides better than ever.

Everything is absolutely perfect.

Get to the doctors office, get my Dad in his wheel chair and he strokes out. OMG. So, right in front of the office the doctor and his entire staff come out and we have to call an ambulance because my Dad didn’t even have a pulse. I start bawling, I don’t like to include ambulances in my life. When my kids were small I would teach them that when they see an ambulance go by they should say a prayer for where the ambulance was headed because something bad was happening and lives were changing. When the doctor told his staff to call an ambulance I was like “No, we don’t need one, the hospital is just a few blocks away. I can run there faster with his chair than they can get here.” I don’t know what the doctor thought “cept the ambulance was called. Guess he doesn’t have confidence in my astute running styling.

4 days were spent sitting with my dad in a coma in Critical Care again. Now the doctor tells me that my Dad can’t withstand sitting up any more. His heart muscle has so deteriorated that when he sits up his heart cannot send enough blood to his feet as he lacks the volume. If he sits up he will die. Also said my dad “suffered a severe heart attack in the past two months.” I was like, how does that happen, how does a person have a massive heart attack and not know it? Apparently a lot of diabetics who eat poorly ruin the muscles around their heart along with the great gift of neuropathy. My poor dad.

Doctor said my dad was a minute from dying this time. If the ambulance wasn’t so close he would be a goner. The task of bringing him into the doctors was out of the question at this point and not to bring him back. I’m sure he was thinking that having a patient die in front of your office was a turn off. LOL. HE loves my Dad.

Whatever.!! That is a nice way to say that my dad is totally bed ridden. Doctor is great don’t get me wrong, he is awesome but I hate the barrier of bad news. I ask him if we can go home. I had seen enough. Defibrillators going off, bigimminies (bgm’s) and arrhythmia’s alarms going off 24/7 and the fucking flashing lights. They went from orange to red to orange red, orange red. I sat for four days and stared at those lights. Those lights flashing and alarming the worst sound screaming in my ear “Your dad is dying” Look here “Your dad is dying” in case you forgot “Your dad is dying”. I just wanted to go home with my Dad. I already lost a parent (22 years ago) at the hospital. Laid in bed with my Mom until God took her home. Don’t intend that for my Dad. Horrifying was what I would call it. So cold. So impersonal.

Doctor says I can go home as long as I bring hospice along. I’m like,… “I know my dad. I know every square inch of his body, why are you making me bring these strangers into my home to tell me what I already know. Who knows my Dad more than Me? No one. Not a soul.” I asked him “Why??“ He said they are better able to tell him what my dad needs than I am. I reckon I don’t know the right lingo. He said that they know how to make sure my Dad dies without pain and that is their specialty. Now we must dance through the hospice hoops. LoveJoy Hospice is great tho. They are thorough in asking questions so I think that seems like they care. I think surrendering to hospice means that I acknowledge my dad is GOING to die within 6 months. I can’t think that way. Won’t allow it.

The morning after we got to bring him home I told my Dad he had money in the bank and didn’t have to be on a diet any more because like Why? Why be on a diet when you are on your way out? I’d be like.. I want candy, chips and ice cream for every meal. Oops… I already do that. Ugh. Anyway to get to the point I was telling him he could pick any restaurant every day and I would make sure he got a nice meal brought home for him. Like a “make a wish/dish” thingy.

My Dad did the strangest thing that day after I told him about the money and restaurant eating he called me closer to his bed asked me to get close to his mouth. I asked him puzzled, “You going to kiss me?” No. He wanted to tell me about his “premonition”. Here is what he said. He said, and I quote “I want you to buy a big shot gun with the money.” I actually laughed. I laughed so loud. It seemed hilarious at the moment. Then he got this serious look on his face and asked me if he had ever in the past told me he had a premonition for me… I said “No” and he said: “You are going to have a home invasion. You are going to need the shot gun.” I said something flip like, “I think you had loss of oxygen at the hospital.” That pissed him off pretty good. He wanted to leave me knowing I was protected. I told him I have three hand guns. Those would be sufficient. Nope. So, I thought about it and bought the 12 gauge shot gun. I took it into him when I got home. He approved of the big boy ….but now I’m left freaked. I asked him if it was a person, persons, an animal like a bear, which door, day/night, do I live. He said “Only part I got was that you needed the shot gun.” I’m thinking all the time about it now. Lack of oxygen? God’s intervention? Ramblings of a crazy man? Paranoia perhaps? His and then mine???

A real premonition? Something he leaves me with is now fear. I had already been thinking about the fact that I have NEVER been alone in my house. NEVER. My house is big and has lots of places to hide. Etc. I live in the country way out in the woods. Here is the warning. Don’t ever try to sneak up on me. It will not go well. I may for the first time in 23 years have to lock doors.

I hate this new feeling… fear.

I live in Oregon for a reason. I like not worrying about shit. I don’t like worrying about stuff. It takes up too much space. I may just decide to let it roll and not change my lifestyle. I don’t even own a key to any door in my house. I’m also acutely aware about how huge this house is.

Colton graduates in June and leaves for his Psychology school and Caiti graduates from High School. Next June it will be just two of us rambling around this big house. Why didn’t I think more about the hugeness of my house instead of falling in love with the property? Way, way too much house. I did put the needs of my dogs above any other thought. Now you know what a brainiac I am… Not so much.

I am thoroughly and completely exhausted. I mean bone tired. I keep jokingly saying that my dad is going to break/crush me and bury me first. At this rate he may be right. Past two days has been so shitty and I mean that literally. He was impacted and hadn’t gone in 6 days. Guess he wanted to leave it for me. Ha. OMG every 13 minutes he calls. I can’t leave him on the bedpan. Can’t let him get bed pan bed sores. He has no meat on his ass. He is skin and bone below the waist. Poor guy. We are both exhausted but only one of us is raw and it ain’t me. Poor man. I have heard the doctors tell me a million times when we are at the hospital my dad is going to die. Yes, I know, we all die eventually that I find myself thinking that this time is just like all the other times. Just a scare. Then the fact those hospice people have to come keeps me grounded. My dad laughingly told me tonight he plans for another 6 years. I smiled. That is my Dad. This is my life and damn, I’m waiting for retirement. Isn’t that funny? I think it is ludicrous.