Just another day in paradise.

***March 2009***
Valentina got more flowers today. She was so pleased when they came. So many people love her. I hope and pray that someday my life/my choices will have mattered. Everyone is here for a reason and no one knows what their purpose is or if and when they fulfill the purpose.

Valentina and Erica today

I know in this life, I won't develop any cures for any illnesses. I know I have a small circle of friends and family that I can hope to impact. I hope when I'm gone people remember that I always do what I think is right. Even if it embarrasses me, I try to be better than I know myself to be. I know I won't come up with a super breed of dogs that are without health issues. I know a lot of things, but I also know that I really know nothing. I am just a cog in the wheel. I won't achieve anything heroic in my life time. I won't save my Country. I will know my biggest accomplishment is what I leave behind with my children and hopefully grandchildren. That is enough for me. Oh, and making the public aware that Oregon is God’s Country and then not letting them move here.

I used to think that I would like to know when it is my turn to die. Lately I have been thinking "not so much". I have seen the suffering, I have seen the shock and horror of it. We have been face to face lately and I would like to pass. I'm acutely aware of cancer like it breathes in my own nostrils. I had my breasts removed so I could give myself the "average" chance of developing breast cancer. I think dying in your sleep is the way to go. Vote me in on that okay?

You can read this article if you are curious.

http://www.oregonlive.com/special/index.ssf/2008/02/family_ties_boulanger_curse.html

The link above is a story that was written about my sisters and I that was published in the Oregonian by a very talented journalist and now friend, Julie Sullivan. Rob Finch took all the pictures and is an incredible photographer.

If you read the article You will know where I come from with all of this cancer crap. I'm not brave, I'm truly a coward. Afraid of the "C" word. Knowing that each day comes a chance my sisters or I will be forced to call one another with the news one of us has cancer. Every relative on my Mom's side is DEAD. All from Cancer and the most terrible part is it is carried in our genes. My family has sacrificed a lot. We have plans, us sisters. So hopefully God doesn't have other plans.

Seeing Valentina sit in the chair next to me, watching as her lungs go in and out all the while listening for the exchange of air in her lungs to be sure she is still alive. Her sickness is overtaking her now. She is looking more gone by the hour. I see heaven in her eyes. Simple things make her smile. I feel so sorry for her son. He is 22 and doesn't know anything really. He is smart but doesn't even know the questions he will want to know later on in life. God brought them to me as neighbors now we are together in the end. It is so wonderfully strange how God works through us to do what he needs to have done. We helped raise him and he knows we love him.

There is so much suffering.. more than I can see. There is so much in front of me now I sometimes think I'm not strong enough to go to the next hurdle. You know, every 2 hours I set my alarm to wake up so I can give Valentina a pain pill. When the little alarm rings it literally makes me ill to have to walk to the “that” room that houses her body. When I open the door ever so quietly I secretly hope she is still alive. (I hope she is still alive.) Why would I hope she is alive? She is suffering so bad right now. Why wouldn't I be praying for God to take her? I do pray for that but with each alarm my heart skips a beat. I think she is close to the end and yet I can't divert my eyes from her, I can’t help but to stare constantly at her. She is almost in a coma so I'm not being rude looking at her. I see Jesus when I look at her. Not the skeletal remains of what she is now, but the person and woman that she is. No poop/blood vomit today. Lots of spills and a little more gone mentally, but no barf. Thank you Jesus for that. She is closer to God with every breath. I can just sit and wonder what he is revealing to her.
Looking for just a hint of Him.

I can tell you that Valentina has made a difference in my life. I can see through her life what grace and love can do to a person. She knows how to pick good people to surround herself with. I think anything less would have been a disservice to her. She is so absolutely beautiful to me. I don't see her dying I see her living. I see her surrendering her will. I see angels when I look at her. All the nurses constantly comment on how beautiful she is and that she has such a beautiful aura and it emanates from her body even in this weakened condition. Taking care of her, feeding her, attending to her needs has made me a better person. I have had these long hours of sleeplessness that I have been quiet and had time to listen to the still small voice. I get so busy and hurried in my daily life that I barely sit still. I pray and then set about fixing things etc and never sit back and listen for the answers. So conceited am I. I have to listen very carefully I realize otherwise my own thoughts and ways are all I can hear.

I haven’t been to church in years. I quit going because I am lazy. I would rather sit in my chair and sip coffee and listen to the Pastor out at the Applegate Christian Fellowship. Jon Courson is a gifted teacher. I can't leave my dad and it is the only day I don't have to be on TV so to speak. I can wear my pajama's all day long and not have to put on the "Heather show". It seems so lame when I put on paper that I'm too lazy to be thankful to Christ enough to go to Church. Was raised a Mormon and had to go to church, had to wear a dress, etc. Now, I know God doesn't care what I wear, doesn't care if I put on a dress he is just happy to see me when I make myself available.
What a thought.

Angels are everywhere. They are in my house preparing...

Heaven is just a blink away.....

Today has been a terrible day. Valentina is sicker than ever. She decided that day before yesterday she was feeling "so much better" so she refused her nausea medicine and anxiety/smooth muscle relaxant pills. Yesterday evening she started to barf. Not any ordinary barf (I know, barf is anything but normal under any circumstances) it was actual feces and blood. I don't know what I expected when the hospice people did their whole "Why you want to die at home" presentation. They mentioned that there might be some blood, maybe they mentioned vomit too. Never in the same sentence and certainly not together. I smell death. It doesn't smell good yet I know God is preparing her for her final destination. I wonder... I wonder so much. Watching someone go through this is a harrowing, eye opening, life appreciating journey.

You know the thing about Valentina is she is braver than anyone I have ever had the opportunity to know. Everyone kept telling her to pray to be healed, to pray for strength, to keep fighting the fight and all along she was already doing that. She has had to endure more than anyone I personally know in her life. She sacrificed everything to give her son the "American Dream." She is from the Ukraine and isn't all "Americanized". She is a pure soul, not jaded and nasty. You know she only sees the good in people, never talks nasty, refuses to believe the bad. I know two people that you see God in them all of the time. I mean that...I only know two people who I think are going straight to Heaven. You don't wonder what lies behind their eyes, what motives they have. Valentina is one of those people David's dad is the other person. Honest purity.

You know, when my mom died I remember one of the last things she told me. We were all sitting around the kitchen table, her cheeks were so sunken in and she was quite emaciated as she could keep nothing down and even had difficulty talking and she leaned forward to me and said: "Heather, I would give everything I have ever owned to be hungry just one more time. Just to have anything sound good to me to eat". My Mom would have been willing to give up every earthly possession for the one basic need in life... to eat. That brings back the reality of "You can't take it with you." I think at least I have learned that lesson from my Mom. I don't put a lot of value in "things". If you spill milk on the couch just wipe it up. I don't get mad about accidents. If I have something you want you can probably have it. Things don't matter to me. When you look at life as one great journey it falls short for some people. My Mom died too young, she was only 45. I'm 45 now and am not even close to being ready. I want grand kids, I want more memories. I want... I want it all. I miss my Mom terrible and going through this with Valentina is quite a horrifying experience.

Valentina is at peace with what she is going through. She has said what she needs to say, has said what she wants to say and now sits and rots all the while keeping her spirits up. Every once in a while she will look at me with the look of desperation and tell me "I'm ready to die and be with God". Why am I not ready for her to go? I see her body disintegrating before me and it sickens me to see that such a wonderful person could be made to rot from the inside out. Her muscles are disintegrating and rotting. Why is it that the truly evil and terrible people gets to die in their sleep? Gets a quick painless death? I am struggling with the most incredible headache right now. I'm telling you a bad one. I think maybe waking up every 2 hours to medicate her is affecting my REM sleep. It can't be that I have not had enough caffeine today. That would make me have to admit that I'm addicted to it.


When I die, if I can't eat or drink I have instructed all the kids to chop up steak and stick it between my teeth and when the morticians come they are to find me with steak stuck in my teeth and a shrimp hanging out my mouth. Oh yah, also MUST be holding a diet Pepsi. LOL.

I know my latest blogs have been so depressing but that is where I am. My dad is the least of my worries. He is actually being a good boy and I appreciate it. He notices the change of the mood in the house. He has risen to the occasion and is so much less demanding. He was jealous at first and now realizes that he can share my love.

I feel so ashamed to admit this next part but feel like in order to be honest I need to put it on here so I see it with my own eyes. When Valentina asked me to take care of her I selfishly said to myself over and over "Why me?" I was feeling so sorry for myself because I always find myself taking care of people. I felt ashamed to admit it. (When she asked me I told her "Yes it would be my pleasure".) We pledged to each other "Together to the end." I have seen her eyes light up a few times. When I ask her if she wants the special Guayaki Orange blossom tea she has learned to love and then tonight when Erica made us three matching bracelets. I think this last smile and eyes glistening with glee is going to be her last. I think tomorrow she will be in a coma. I'm not a doctor even though I act like I am. She is jsut so weak. Almost too weak to walk. Can't hardly stand to see her. No one else is here so I'm considering this my last present to her. She loves being at my house. She finally sees why her son, Sergio loved it at my house. It is a family. a crazy, loud and sometimes vulgar group of people coexisting in one house. We love him. I love him. I hope he leans on us when he is ready to surrender the reality too. We love each other so much. We are a real American family and she wishes... well she wishes too late.

I woke up one morning and realized I knew why I am always the one being asked to be the caregiver, and that it is an honor to be trusted with someones life. Someone else in this world trusts me to help them enter the next phase. To have the confidence in me enough to ask me to be with them is enormous. It iss HUGE. I mean I realize it is h.u.g.e. I feel like it is such an honor. I know I have switched gears here but instead of asking myself "Why me?" I had an epiphany and realized "Why not me?" God has put me in the position that makes me available to help others. I feel bad that I always have to go with the first thought. Why me?? I wish I could just grow up and accept my place in the world. I'm a caregiver. Been prepared for it my whole life.

I planned to be a doctor when in college. Actually not finishing college is my most secret regret. I could be a doctor right now. I would never be happy being a nurse, I would want to be in charge of the total patient not the one taking the orders. Then if you think about it on a different level doctors have to make such hard decisions, everyone expects them to have all the answers and yet they fall short so much of the time. I would hate it because I like exacting things. You know A+B=C. Not so many variables and peoples lives in my hands. I think the amount of stress involved would make me nuts. I like dogs. I love dogs. I think the world is a better place because of dogs. I have 4 laying on me right now making it kind of difficult to type. (Big smile here).

My Toshiba is broke now. Luckily I have the Hewlitt Packard back up. Am I hard on electronics?? Why do my cell phones break so much? So much difficulty. That is it for now. I'm not going to second guess everything any more. I'm going to trust that God is in charge of when, how and what with Valentina. If anyone reads this... if I have cancer (sure I do-seems like it lurks everywhere) keep me doped up. Doped up good.