I realized I have gained a great deal of weight since my Dad and sister died. I sat on my ass feeling totally sorry for myself and ate. Now, when I saw "ate" it wasn't fruits and veggies. My idea of a perfect meal is a Diet Pepsi, (Don't have to feel quite so guilty drinking this one) bag of KC Masterpiece chips, red licorice and chocolate. Chips and junk food are my ways to "comfort" myself. I feel stress, I eat. I don't actually really feel better when I eat but I feel like I'm satisfying something. Then the next time my clothes are too tight I regret eating such crap. Apparenly I'm a slow learner. Too many calories and you gain weight. Exercise is a good thing. (God I hate to exercise)
I have been telling a niece of mine she needs to get some mental health help. She is not handling her life changes in a good way. I'm a huge believer in seeing someone who can listen objectively like a therapist. The people who are involved know every side and can't actually "listen". So, after nagging her to death and making her ears bleed with the nagging she went to the therapist. Now it wasn't so bad. Then she tells someone else I have an addiction to food because she noticed I take lots of pictures of food. Truth be known, I do. I see foods that looks scrumptious or I'm gonna eat it or my husband has made it, I take pictures of it. Yes, I have also been known to send them out via my cell phone. It's not an obsession just an interest. I also like to make those who can't have it jealous. So, here I am on this stinking 500 calorie diet and I have been so completely stressed and I can't have those comfort foods. It has really made me depressed not being able to pig out. I know this will pass so I'm waiting it out. Losing weight is more pleasurable than eating at this point. I have lost a good sum of weight but being a Boulanger, I want it off NOW.
Mothers Day 2010
Colton, Caitlin, Erica and I went to the coast to buy daisies and release them in the ocean in remembrance of my Mom and my sister who recently died. We all went off of our diets and ruined the whole rest of the day stressing about if I gained any weight. Stupid I know. I did not realize how sad I was going to be while in Brookings. I was remembering my sister and how this was their first Mother's Day without her. So many tears from unknown regions. We laid on the beach for hours on a blanket and listened to the waves. (I listen to the waves all night with an app on my iPhone.) We all love the coast. Erica drove both ways and I worked on the "wedding surprise".
Monday- Day after Mothers day.
Woke up with a splitting headache and totally didn't want to get out of bed because the scale is downstairs and I make myself weigh every morning. I resentfully walked down the stairs to the hall of shame... I had gained 8 oz. I know like big deal right? Add that to the rest of the day (I won't say what exactly) and then I can't sleep. I have poison oak all over my body (thanks to the dogs that run through it and cuddle with me throughout the day) and a migraine. Couldn't sleep and know I'm in for a hell of a day. I'm drinking 3 quarts of water a day. Drinking alot.. means peeing a lot. What comes in must come out right? Poison oak is down there too now.
Tuesday- Get very bad news about one of my nieces. She had a pap smear done 2 months ago and the lab found "precancerous cells" and her doctor advised waiting for 4 weeks and re-testing. Well, 4 weeks later and now those same cells that were stage 1 pre-cancerous are now stage 4. Here is the part that has me ripped up inside....They want to do another test (might take a couple of weeks) My thinking is..Why wait? They have told her since she has such severe endimitriosis they have to do a full hysterectomy. Okay then, let's do the surgery immediately and then test the tissue after it is out of her body. I have such cancer issues and this whole "wait and watch" mentality that people are embracing is insane. I'm not allowed to give her my opinion because she "trusts the doctor" and what he says. I have been so sick about this. I of course did not sleep once again. How can anyone just "Wait and watch?" We already know how fast her conditioned changed and grow in just 4 weeks. Why would ANYONE wait and watch? They are wanting another test to see if it could be in the glands. If it could be in the glands? My experience in anything affecting the glands is deadly. I'm frightened for her. I'm scared to death she is going to actually wait and let the cancer grow.
Another of my nieces called today and wanted to hash stuff out with me. Not a good day for it but I realize it can't always be
about me.
I'm also realizing that the older I get the more selfish I am. If I don't want to I won't. You can't make me etc. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Holding in most of what I think and trying to keep up morale. Holding the fort down. etc. I'm tired of "holding the fort down" being the strong one. I still think I can do anything and usually do but I don't want to do what I don't want to do and I hate having to sit by when someones life is at stake and mind my own business.
Today I refused to talk to anyone on the phone. I know that when I'm stressed out I get quiet. I clam up. I have to absorb the information. I can't help it that is how I assimilate stuff. I have so much "stuff" going on.
My daughter graduates from high School on June 3, bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law on June 4th, June 5th is the University graduation of two of my sons and then the following day June 6th is my oldest son's wedding. I'm really not actively stressed by the wedding as the bride, Mory, has done almost all of the work. She is a handy girl. It is just so many things happening so quickly together.
I have some of the cutest little puppies in the nursery right now. Puppies are what gets me through a great many days. Knowing they are waiting to play and be loved is the greatest thrill in my life. They are so excited to see me and never cease to amaze me. After all of these years who would have ever guessed I would be so excited about each litter born. Dogs start and end my every day. Not everyone could be happy with my job. I clean a lot of poo up. It is so worth it when I get to be the first ones the puppies get to see and love on. I think I have the greatest job in the world. I thought about being a playboy bunny but they have met there "fat" lady quota. LOL
Location:Grants Pass,United States
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