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Florida in the Summer 2010

It has been certainly the most interesting summer I have ever had. Erica, Cody and I flew to Florida to be with Justin for 12 days. We relaxed, ate at the most fantastic restaurants and seeing the sights. Florida is a gorgeous state. Loved being there but even more happy when we returned home. In all my years I have heard that it is "really hot, humid and the bugs were big" That doesn't even begin to cover what Florida is. It is too hot, too humid and the bugs are bigger than life. I have seen cockroaches bigger than half dollar coins. These cockroaches could pick up an entire piece of bread and carry it to their condo's. They are huge. I actually had never seen one before.
We searched the Internet to be sure it was what we thought. Picture will follow. Justin has a beautiful, huge house in a very exclusive neighborhood. I never saw any children and only 1 or 2 dogs the full 12 days. I know why though. It is hot as shit there. Here was a typical day. Wake up at 8 AM No one else up. Climb into his private pool that was the absolute perfect temperature. I would swim 1-2 hours in the morning, listening to my iPhone music and exercise like hell. Kick, swim, kick and feel like it was almost heaven. No bugs because in Florida everyone has screened in back porches. I got a great tan there and didn't even try the rays hit you through the house's I'm sure. I would take a shower after swimming and get freshened up to then have to walk out of the air conditioned house to the waiting car and instantly my hair would be wet and I would feel like my ass was sweating.(Think about this, if your ass is sweating you have to worry if people are thinking to themselves "I smell ass") Such a horrible feeling all of the time. The air their smells bad too. They have to have a lot of retention ponds because of the tornado's and hurricanes to help the state not flood so bad. BIG huge STAGNANT ponds of water. Smells like when you drive past a sewage plant and it smells so much like crap all of the time. ICK!

I appreciate Oregon's weather, fresh air and especially the under rated and have learned to appreciate the ability to drink water straight from the tap/well. I didn't realize that people really do NEED to drink bottled water. NEED vs. Like. The people on the East coast HAVE to drink bottled water because all their water is terrible tasting and smelling. You have to buy bottled water in restaurants as well. I tried to drink nothing that might even have had to be made with the water there.

I realize I still hate flying. It was so nice to go with Cody and Erica because I could hold their hands during takeoff and landing. It is always so stressful to me. We literally were those people that you see on TV that have to run from gate to gate to get on the plane. We landed late, the airlines were boarding early. Ridiculous really. I swam in that damn pool in the evenings too. The pool was absolutely perfect. I enjoyed every minute of swimming, I would be in the pool every minute I was awake and not doing something else. We went Para sailing and looked at all of the houses along Florida's roads. Gorgeous houses/mansions/ and houses. I loved visiting Florida but would never want to live there. Oh wait, let me rethink this. Cocoa Beach/Miami Beach... The water in the ocean is like stepping into a big warm bathtub. That part was so divine as well. Okay, Okay, bad water, stinky air, no kids, no animals, sweating profusely when outdoors, big bugs, even bigger cockroaches, warm water, private pool, great restaurants, the most incredible malls, service industry can't be beat. Everyone smokes and acts like they don't know it is a dirty little habit, people seem super rich or poorer than shit, Diet Pepsi tastes different, $12.00 gallon of milk... the warm ocean.... the cockroaches...the beautiful beaches,...the expensive life... the fantastic pool and incredible house... chilling with the kids... worried about who I left home... missing the kids... missing the hubby...oceans, blue beautiful oceans. Hm.. Okay, Okay, I'll decide. I would stay in Oregon no matter what. Like I said earlier Florida had its perks but the lack of drinkable water was so disconcerting.

Painting for free, late night Shari's run and

David was told to paint the break room at work so all the boys including Logan along with Erica and I went and painted it. Mint green. Ick- the color raped my eyes. Only 3 employees volunteered to help for free. God forbid anyone there appreciate their job and actually do something for free. We had fun~all of our crew painting and laughing and teasing. Weird that work brings my family together.
Cody and Erica are making plans to move to Corvallis the beginning of September. My heart is breaking already. Erica is my friend. We do so many things together and she is good company. We even like the same music~ LOL

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Driving, baldness and the serenity prayer

Today I had Caitlin drive me all over town. I have let her down. The boys all had their drivers license's on or around their 16th birthday. Caitlin will be 18 in August and still does not have a license. She is less mature than they were at her age and I can't allow any of my kids to drive a car unless I know they will be able to go out and come home safely. As a parent having your kids start driving alone is a BIG deal. I used to sit on pins and needles until I saw their headlights bobbing up and down my driveway coming home.

I promised Caitlin I would drive around with her until I felt she was safe (and others are safe) and work on getting her license by her HS graduation. Let me tell you something. If I have any hair on my head left it is by the grace of God. I have trained all 3 boys on driving and feel totally good when they are driving. Colton goes so damn slow/right at the speed limit I often wonder how he gets anywhere. :) Caitlin is so much better at driving than she was the last year. Much more mature. I feel ashamed actually that I have not taken the appropriate time before now to allow her the time she needs to feel comfortable in the car. She confessed to me that she feels so dumb/stupid/and "behind" when her peers ask her if she is driving yet and she has to sheepishly say "Noes". I did that. My lackadaisical attitude didn't afford her the extra time she obviously needed to be able to drive without a parent. I can of course say well, my Dad was dying, my sister died and I didn't have the energy. Sure, I could say that but I won't. It has been lack of parenting. David could have taken her but he is so impatient with her. This is the first time I have driven with her that I felt like she is close to being ready to get her drivers license. We didn't get in an argument and I actually looked around where we were driving instead of clenching my fists tight or arguing.

Colton sent me a picture of him on the Golden Gate Bridge.
He looks so handsome in his gorgeous shirt an tie.

He drove to Stanford for a psychology conference. Sounds like snooze-ville" to me so it is a good thing he didn't ask me to go. I'm proud of him and that he went on such a long road trip, stayed in a hotel etc. Got his own maps, made all of his own reservations etc. We have done a good job with him.

I have been thinking about this big house I live in a lot lately. How much I'm going to hate all the empty rooms. I want to move I think. I want to rent next time. I never know what is going to happen with David and where we may end up so I want to be able to move where my kids end up. (Hopefully not Timbuktu) I have never been in love with this house. It seems dark and dreary. I like the light. I feel better when it is brighter inside. There will be 3 bedrooms we don't use after September and the boys move out. I still would like to live in the country because I hate neighbors. The best neighbors in my opinion are the ones I don't know. LOL. I like to sit outside and feel like I'm in paradise. My doggies running around all through the grass and me swinging on my swing with a nice hot cup of coffee or a ice cold Diet Pepsi. That is heaven in my world. I moved here because I fell in love with the property. I'm still in love with the property but don't know how I will handle all the utter emptiness soon. Maybe it is time for us to make a change too. (Now all I have to do is broach the subject to David and get him to understand how i'm feeling)

Chase's fiancee, Mory and I have been planning the wedding.. Her mostly but I must say planning or lack of planning is very stressful. We have gotten into several small tiffs on the Internet. I realize now why. She doesn't know me well enough or at all. Everything I say she takes literally and I'm so easy. She doesn't know how easy I am. I have an idea of how I have dreamed of my kids wedding and she see's it a different way. When it comes right down to it, it is their wedding and they hold all the cards and it is my first lesson from my kids about "butting out." Ouch. Doesn't feel so good does it now? I have to remember that the wedding has no bearing on me really. I can cause dissension, I can push my ideas (like I usually do) or I can gracefully say "I will wear what you want me to wear, be where you want me to be and will do anything you ask. Point and I'll do it." That is not an easy task for me.. or for a Boulanger in general. We give orders, don't take them... Until now with my almost new daughter. With each new passing day I learn something new whether it be to "Butt out" or please help and to know the difference. I just realized there is a whole prayer about this. "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." Let's just say it is a work in progress.


ONE non related item I am going to throw in here. I loved homeschooling. My kids are smarter and faster and love their families. I would not change a thing about that.

I haven't had neighbors in probably 16 years. Well that is a lie actually, we had neighbors when we lived on Haviland. We had huge hedges between us and the houses were far away from each other. So, while there were neighbors in reality they minded their own business and we minded our own too. I'm going to exercise and watch the finale of Greys Anatomy. Until again... Ciao

3 graduations and a wedding. June is going to be busy

I have such conflicting thoughts running through my mind right now. I have two boys moving in August/Sept, and my only daughter (and baby) is graduating from High School. My oldest son, Chase is getting married. Yes, that is a lot of life changes. The thing is that it all happens the first weekend in June. Yes, add a bridal shower in there and we have major things starting on Thursday and the final thing is the wedding on Sunday the 6th of June.

My daughter and I went to the hospital in Medford to visit my friend Gina who just had a baby yesterday.

Me holding Reese today.

Very cute little baby I might add here. Anyway, on the way home Caiti and were realizing at the same time that we are going to be alone soon. I have always had the boys home and this is going to be a horrifying experience. Just thinking about them leaving makes me tear up. Logan (My nephew) lives here with us so there will still be 4 in the house and he is good company for Caiti and maybe having her brothers leave won’t be so stinging since we have him with us. I don’t know if I’m ready for this change. I know that I don’t have a choice and I know that this is what their Father and I have worked so hard raising them for. They will be able to go out and be “productive members of the community” and we can be proud.

I feel very blessed that they both chose to go to local colleges so I have been afforded a lot more time with them than other people whose children went away for college. So many emotions.. I’m sad, scared, apprehensive, worried, worried about me, hopeful, proud, lonesome already, wondering if they will call? How often will they call? Will I know when they need an encouraging word? Will I know when they are having a tough time? Will I be able to handle not knowing their daily activities? How many times can I go up without being hovering? I’m mostly sad. I don’t like change to be honest. Just going through each day sometimes is still tough. The weather for sure is not helping.



I’m excited for the wedding. I’m gonna have a new daughter and I know she wants to be part of the family and that makes me happy. Once they get married are they gonna have kids right away? They plan to start their family soon. The problem is they live in Santa Barbara. That is right, 13 hours away. I in my wildest dreams never thought I might end up being the “twice a year” grandma. I want hands on. I want fresh baby skin, unconditional love, the joy again of comforting a child, I look forward to baths in the kitchen sink, knowing and watching their personalities emerge. I want it all. I want grandkids and I want them close enough I get to help. I’m 46 and today I just realized what a grandparent knows.

When I was at the hospital I talked to the baby daddy and told him that know with this new baby he can fix errors he made with his first two. (He is divorced and has 2 sons-Youngest is 9) So, this is kind of his “second” family. I saw it as an opportunity for him to be a better man, person and Dad to this fresh miracle that God has blessed him with. That is what a Grandparent knows. They have been down the parenting road, I know what it takes to raise kids. I know the pitfalls. I know the mistakes, things I thought were so important aren’t. I get to sit back and relax and hope that my kids come to me and think I was a good enough parent to get advice from. Please hope I don't give unsolicited advice. I don't want to be "one of those" parents/ grandparent. We Boulanger's think we know everything. In actuality I realize with each passing year how dumb I was the previous year. Kind of like getting older makes me more appreciative, less judgmental and smart. I know dementia is right around the corner but I feel like I'm smarter every year.

My life has been very steady lately. We are starting to clean carpets, wash windows etc to prepare for all the company that is coming. I’m going to pretend that my boys aren’t leaving, that Chase decides to live in Oregon and still close enough to help co-parent and that my daughter continues to rock at college. I’m proud mostly. Proud and scared of how it will be when the house is more empty.

Admissions, remissions and angst

Okay so once again I haven't written in forever. This time it is not because I have any grand excuses. I have been down and out. Back tracking a bit...
I realized I have gained a great deal of weight since my Dad and sister died. I sat on my ass feeling totally sorry for myself and ate. Now, when I saw "ate" it wasn't fruits and veggies. My idea of a perfect meal is a Diet Pepsi, (Don't have to feel quite so guilty drinking this one) bag of KC Masterpiece chips, red licorice and chocolate. Chips and junk food are my ways to "comfort" myself. I feel stress, I eat. I don't actually really feel better when I eat but I feel like I'm satisfying something. Then the next time my clothes are too tight I regret eating such crap. Apparenly I'm a slow learner. Too many calories and you gain weight. Exercise is a good thing. (God I hate to exercise)

I have been telling a niece of mine she needs to get some mental health help. She is not handling her life changes in a good way. I'm a huge believer in seeing someone who can listen objectively like a therapist. The people who are involved know every side and can't actually "listen". So, after nagging her to death and making her ears bleed with the nagging she went to the therapist. Now it wasn't so bad. Then she tells someone else I have an addiction to food because she noticed I take lots of pictures of food. Truth be known, I do. I see foods that looks scrumptious or I'm gonna eat it or my husband has made it, I take pictures of it. Yes, I have also been known to send them out via my cell phone. It's not an obsession just an interest. I also like to make those who can't have it jealous. So, here I am on this stinking 500 calorie diet and I have been so completely stressed and I can't have those comfort foods. It has really made me depressed not being able to pig out. I know this will pass so I'm waiting it out. Losing weight is more pleasurable than eating at this point. I have lost a good sum of weight but being a Boulanger, I want it off NOW.

Mothers Day 2010
Colton, Caitlin, Erica and I went to the coast to buy daisies and release them in the ocean in remembrance of my Mom and my sister who recently died. We all went off of our diets and ruined the whole rest of the day stressing about if I gained any weight. Stupid I know. I did not realize how sad I was going to be while in Brookings. I was remembering my sister and how this was their first Mother's Day without her. So many tears from unknown regions. We laid on the beach for hours on a blanket and listened to the waves. (I listen to the waves all night with an app on my iPhone.) We all love the coast. Erica drove both ways and I worked on the "wedding surprise".



Monday- Day after Mothers day.
Woke up with a splitting headache and totally didn't want to get out of bed because the scale is downstairs and I make myself weigh every morning. I resentfully walked down the stairs to the hall of shame... I had gained 8 oz. I know like big deal right? Add that to the rest of the day (I won't say what exactly) and then I can't sleep. I have poison oak all over my body (thanks to the dogs that run through it and cuddle with me throughout the day) and a migraine. Couldn't sleep and know I'm in for a hell of a day. I'm drinking 3 quarts of water a day. Drinking alot.. means peeing a lot. What comes in must come out right? Poison oak is down there too now.


Tuesday- Get very bad news about one of my nieces. She had a pap smear done 2 months ago and the lab found "precancerous cells" and her doctor advised waiting for 4 weeks and re-testing. Well, 4 weeks later and now those same cells that were stage 1 pre-cancerous are now stage 4. Here is the part that has me ripped up inside....They want to do another test (might take a couple of weeks) My thinking is..Why wait? They have told her since she has such severe endimitriosis they have to do a full hysterectomy. Okay then, let's do the surgery immediately and then test the tissue after it is out of her body. I have such cancer issues and this whole "wait and watch" mentality that people are embracing is insane. I'm not allowed to give her my opinion because she "trusts the doctor" and what he says. I have been so sick about this. I of course did not sleep once again. How can anyone just "Wait and watch?" We already know how fast her conditioned changed and grow in just 4 weeks. Why would ANYONE wait and watch? They are wanting another test to see if it could be in the glands. If it could be in the glands? My experience in anything affecting the glands is deadly. I'm frightened for her. I'm scared to death she is going to actually wait and let the cancer grow.

Another of my nieces called today and wanted to hash stuff out with me. Not a good day for it but I realize it can't always be


about me.
I'm also realizing that the older I get the more selfish I am. If I don't want to I won't. You can't make me etc. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Holding in most of what I think and trying to keep up morale. Holding the fort down. etc. I'm tired of "holding the fort down" being the strong one. I still think I can do anything and usually do but I don't want to do what I don't want to do and I hate having to sit by when someones life is at stake and mind my own business.

Today I refused to talk to anyone on the phone. I know that when I'm stressed out I get quiet. I clam up. I have to absorb the information. I can't help it that is how I assimilate stuff. I have so much "stuff" going on.

My daughter graduates from high School on June 3, bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law on June 4th, June 5th is the University graduation of two of my sons and then the following day June 6th is my oldest son's wedding. I'm really not actively stressed by the wedding as the bride, Mory, has done almost all of the work. She is a handy girl. It is just so many things happening so quickly together.

I have some of the cutest little puppies in the nursery right now. Puppies are what gets me through a great many days. Knowing they are waiting to play and be loved is the greatest thrill in my life. They are so excited to see me and never cease to amaze me. After all of these years who would have ever guessed I would be so excited about each litter born. Dogs start and end my every day. Not everyone could be happy with my job. I clean a lot of poo up. It is so worth it when I get to be the first ones the puppies get to see and love on. I think I have the greatest job in the world. I thought about being a playboy bunny but they have met there "fat" lady quota. LOL

Location:Grants Pass,United States

April Party in Portland

Knee brace, ankle brace and my Dad's walker

Our Omelletes- Fixings and done.


Knee brace, ankle brace, back brace…. It is hell getting old.

SO it is true. I have been nagged mercilessly about not blogging for so long. I have been in a funk. A serious funk. I’m feeling better but it is coming slow. I have also heard that you are tired of reading about Orchids, old men with stogies and wood peckers. I get it. I just haven’t felt much like writing. Well, actually the last week or so I have had so many ideas rolling around in my head and just have been too lazy to put it into words.

Easter was easter. Didn’t go to church because frankly I did not feel like it. The highlight of the day was the shrimp and bacon omelets David made for breakfast followed by the turkey, ham, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, rolls and homemade cheesecake. Made myself sick eating so much but it tasted so good. David made it all too. Brittany and Chestny came over to drop Logan off and stayed and dined with us as well. Chestny (great niece) looked so adorable in her little Easter dress. She knows my name now and that makes me soooo happy. Simple pleasures in life.

I’m fat. Okay, I said it. I have been walking 4 miles a day now for a month. It must be such a hilarious sight. Big old fat lady walking. I have kiddingly called myself the “SouthSide Fat ass” and would get a shirt made that says that but my husband would not like it. LOL. I started off at 3 miles and got blisters. Next day changed shoes got different blisters in different spots. I did this shoe change until all the places where the blisters grew are now hardened and callused. Why would a 46 year old lady think she can start off at 3 miles? It is a most dreadful thing being a “Boulanger” sometimes. We always think we are better, smarter, quicker, and can do anything at anytime. Nothing holds us back.

I’m up to 4 miles now, no blisters either. The thing about the blisters is they were the least of my problems.
I had to purchase a knee brace for my bad knee. (Dislocated it about 23 years ago.. Never the same) I have been using that for a couple of weeks when now I have noticed that my left ankle has been killing me because it has to compensate for the right knee not doing it’s own work. So, now I strap on the knee brace followed by the newly purchased ankle brace. After bout a week my lower back starts to kill me after a walk and hurts me for the rest of the night. Walmart again.. I went and got a back brace. Yes, you read that right. I’m wearing 3 braces to walk. I feel like I’m old but I still need to walk. I feel better and have a fresher mind when I am done. It’s like I try to control my body. My body say’s “How about we don’t walk today?” and my brain says “Nah, we have to walk so we can be able to keep up with the grandkids someday.” I don’t want to be the little old grandma who sits in her chair and can’t chase the kids. I try to concentrate/focus on the fact I can still walk and be thankful for the pain because I’m still alive. Next thing with this old body is I’ll be using my Dad’s walker along with the braces to exercise. Too, too funny.

My son Colton told me I shouldn’t talk about him on my blog but I can’t help it. I talk about everyone here. This is my forum. We will start with Cody.

Cody got accepted into the OSU graduate pharmacy program and starts in Sept. That means he and Erica will be moving to Corvalis. I will lose my son and Erica, my walking companion. He will do a good job up there as he is smart, dedicated and wants this. It is time for him to head towards his educational goals. Colton is planning to go to Eugene and wants to get a job working for the psychology department doing research for a year and then reapply to the Psychology graduate school again. I hope he is making the right choices. I don’t know anything about what he needs to do to become what he wants to ultimately do. It is tough because up to now I could still lead him. Now he is in unchartered territory.

David earned his Masters degree. MBA to be correct. He is very proud and has worked so hard to get it. I guess I’m the dummy in the house now. Caiti graduated from High School in March and is going to the community college here full time. That leaves me with a lot of free time. You know in my mind when all the kids left I would still have my dad as my constant companion. Now as the kids are untethering themselves from here my heart begins to ache once again for the loss of my Dad. He isn’t here and they won’t be here and I can’t call my sister because she isn’t here anymore. I find myself in the most untenable situations. I cry just knowing the kids are heading out on their own and don’t need me anymore like they used to. I’m nervous to be so far from more of my kids but also understand that they need to experience the world with their own terms. I guess it is time for me to begrudgingly accepting of what is to happen and learn to deal with the aloneness I am heading towards. I knew mentally all the kids would move on eventually but it happened so quickly. Too quickly. Part of me is proud as hell they are all so smart, so able to take care of themselves and take on this world and try to make a difference. Make their mark so to speak. I’m glad I don’t have to start over where they are. It is scary and it is a growth time. Some of the best times of my marriage was when we were first starting out and were poor as church mice. I mean POOR.

I’m going to Portland tomorrow for my monthly trip. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t so far but then I am free when I’m there. It is good to be with my sister, Bonne and my nieces and nephews from Kim.

Orchids, woodpeckers and men with stogies .

Monday ... Start of a new week.

IT is Monday already. I surprisingly had a great day. I cleaned up the yards, vacuumed the whole house, did every dish then I went outside and took pictures of things my Dad loved. Yep, I was feeling sad a bit. So, camera and new lenses in hand went outside and took pictures of my wild wood pecker, the cement and wood bears my Father loved and purchased.

He also bought this cement thing for the outside wall of a man with big sunglasses on smoking a stogie. I'm going to finally paint the end of the "lit" stogie with red nail polish. He would like that. I felt better taking the pictures so it was good. I took pictures of my remarkable woodpecker and my orchids.

I went to church on Saturday night.

Erica and I went to Parkway Christian Center. The service was not in the main sanctuary but instead in the "Hull center." About 40 people showed up. Very casual, cookies, coffee and really the only thing missing was the man who wears a robe and staff and calls himself Jesus who walks around town preaching. This casualness had a certain appeal to the shorts wearing part of me. I think I could have stood up during the meeting and talked. Not like the regular church services I attended as a child (Mormon) and later as a Christian.

The funny thing was that the asst Pastor came up to introduce himself to us. He shakes our hand (Erica gives him her name.. I did not) and thanked us for coming. I then proceed to tell him we are there to "audition him/the church.") I really did say that out loud. He got this really surprised look on his face, (Shocked at my rudeness/Tourette's syndrome/compulsive disorder) and said "Don't judge us by this sermon; I'm the "B" team." He was being modest.

I got a lot out of his lesson/teaching. The music was weird. It was the songs I have always sang (at the same church years ago) but the younger generation puts their own spin on it. Different melody, same words. It was okay though. The sermon was about Love. Blah, blah Love…Blah, blah. At almost the end of the Sermon when the band is playing the "get up and go home" music he stands back up and says: "There is someone here tonight that needs to know they need to be healed... They have a deep hurt and loss that only God can take away" Then he looks straight at me and says "That is why you came tonight. To have someone acknowledge your sorrow, your grief and your losses". Then he looked straight at me again and sat down. Weird eh? Of course I would like to think he really knew what is going on with me. Like some divine intervention and what not but that would be too conceited. Probably imagined he was talking directly to me anyhow. Guess that is all today.

"The best present is when you make a girl cry"

I learned something tonight. You see my sister Kim’s oldest daughter turns 28 tomorrow. I knew I wanted to do something special Christine because she does so much for other people. When I go to Portland for the once a month parties Christine always brings a homemade bracelet that she has made for all of the 5 girls. It is not an ordinary beaded bracelet. It is themed in color and charms. I know that finding the charms and beads that fit each occasion is not an easy task. She pays careful attention to each detail. That is love. My friend, Carol gave me the love of beads and I shared the obsession with Christine. She knows how I appreciate the time and work she puts into each one. Not only does she make a bracelet she usually coordinates the Friday night dinner.

She brings most of the food, most of the snacks (Boulanger’s gotta have the snacks) and spends her whole Friday's with me. She could use her Friday to do so many other more fun things rather than hanging out with me. The fact that she picks me makes me feel really loved and special. What young girl would choose to spend an entire day sitting around, beading, holding hands and just being together with her 46 year old hag of an aunt? Not many girls and I'm overwhelmed that she chooses me.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Yep, Yep, Yep 28 years old. She lost her mom 6 months ago. She has lived with me off and on for years and I would not know her like I do if she hadn’t of come to be with us. She wanted to get to know us on her own terms and we share a very special bond because of that. Bonne is “my person” and Christine is my “2nd person”. Knowing you are second probably isn’t the best thing to be but since it is behind Bonne it is a good place to be. When I'm going crazy I call her no matter what time day or night and she talks me down. She knows me well enough to know what to say to be calm. When Colton and Cody were in a car wreck a few years ago they called me early in the morning and Colton said "This time it's bad Mom" and then said the Police were there and he had to go. OMG A parent shutters at this kind of call. I could not breath. I literally threw on a coat and was white knuckling it so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack on my way to where the accident was. I called Chris. I was so panicked. I told her through tears and hysteria what had been said to me and that the boys were not answering their phones. She calmed me down, stayed on the phone with me and then called the boys to see what the situation was. They answered for her. She called me back. She gets me. She gave me peace when there was no peace in sight. I love her so very much.

Back to the real reason I'm here. I want to talk about her. She and her friend decided to go to Seattle for an adventure to celebrate her 28th birthday. They took the train up to Seattle and got a beautiful hotel room for three nights. They have been planning and looking forwards to this trip for months. I have been excited for her.

Her Dad and I have been thinking long and hard about what to give her this year for her birthday because she can buy anything she wants at any time and to buy her more stuff is just that … more stuff. I asked her dad what he thought about sending her flowers one day and then a fruit basket the next day to her hotel. He reminded me that Christine was fasinated by a edible fruit basket we got at the hospital when my sister was dying. He remembered her saying she wishes she was the “official fruit tester” because every piece of fruit was perfect. WOW. What an idea. Why did I forget that? Alzheimers? I mean, I remember the basket, I remember everyone ate on it for 3 days why didn’t I remember she was enamored with it?She deserves every thought she gets.

Last week I called the company and ordered a big basket for her to have it delivered to her hotel room. I asked her constantly about check in time, arrival of train etc. She had NO clue. She was flabbergasted when she got to her room and this beautiful basket was waiting just for her. She never has had anything delivered to a room like that for her. I am spoiled. When I used to go to San Francisco for gift shows my sister, Bonne would send me a flower bouquet, a bottle of champagne and it was sooo nice. She even sent me a beautiful bouquet when I went to Georgia and Texas as well. She called to thank me and was tearful. When I talked to her Dad about it he said “The best present makes a girl cry” and I love it. She deserves to cry. Good tears, good surprises and many years of love and joy. I love you more Christine.

Yah, you aren't so special. You just ate too much.

“It must be something more because I’m a Boulanger remember?“

Those are the words uttered to me tonight when my daughter felt sick to her stomach. The worst part is she really now believes all that being a Boulanger belies her. Although, sometimes a belly ache is just a belly ache and sometimes being a Boulanger means if it can go wrong it will. Other time it is bad luck, good luck and no luck. Roll of the dice. Case In point...

We took her to get her wisdom teeth pulled and the dentist informed us that she had only one. ONE wisdom tooth. I’d like to be coy here and say she only has one wisdom tooth because she isn’t very wise etc. The Dentist told us he has never had a case where just ONE wisdom tooth showed up. He has had cases of 2 missing, but never 3 not growing in. She looked at me when he told her that and we shared a knowing glance. She knows what it means to be “special”. She will spend her years hearing how “this is the first time I’ve ever seen this”, “We don’t have a known name for this”, “This is rare, WOW” etc. I used to think it exciting to be so special. To have stuff no one has ever seen before. One time my uvula in my throat swelled up so much in my throat I had to go to urgent care. OF course, they hadn’t ever seen anything like that and that visit was where I realized it isn’t actually a “special” thing more like a “oddity thing.” That was the visit the clinched all the “specialness”

I went to Portland last week. Spent 5 nights. It is amazing how good it feels to be with my sisters family and Bonne. This time Bonne stayed 3 nights with me and we just held hands and visited and it felt good to snuggle up with her at night and talk about our dead sister and Dad. No one can understand how it feels but us. My brother-in-law and nieces and nephews lost their mom (Our sister) but we lost a dad and a quasi Sister/Mom figure. Now when we get together it is less tearful and more remembering. Remembering the good and bad. I have no one to talk about my Dad with. <--Bonne

Bonne tries to understand and she is the only person who loved my Dad like me. I lived with him. I took care of him. I still miss him horribly. I get up easier now, I keep things clean, I try to focus my days better. It doesn’t help that I only have 4 puppies in my nursery. Puppies are what gets me through the rough patches. The new babies are too small to be held much. The Mom’s frown on the laying on the floor with their babies just yet. LOL. I don’t blame them but I live for puppies kisses and puppy breath.

David is trying harder to be less demanding, grouchy and hard to live with. He is really stressed at work and tired. He gets his Masters Degree next month. I will be so damn glad when his schooling is over. It is a terrible thing that he started back to school 3 years ago with the idea that he would get a juicy promotion and then the economy took a dump. I’m thankful he still has a job. His company has “reorganized” twice since he started back to school. So many lay offs and job shuffling. Working 12 hours a day at a job where they suck the life out of you is all there is? So, when he dies can I put on his grave (If I’m still here) “Here lies a man who gave up every daylight hour to work hard for his family?”

Christine and I above.

Maybe the hippies and squatters have it right. I sometimes have fleeting thoughts of selling everything we own and buying a motor home and to just park the motor home somewhere and just be. Not the Walmart parking lot unless that is where we get the most peace. I’m thinking more along the lines of next to a river, creek and my favorite is the Ocean. David thinks I could stand this living in a very confined area for maybe 3 months. I think he has been so busy working and studying I have changed and he hasn’t taken notice yet. I want a simplier life. I would rather spend time with him then sit and wait until he gets home from work so I can stare at the back of his head while he watches Jeopardy and then goes to his computer to start his second job (School). I think I could learn to love less stuff, more time together. I now see how it is possible for two people who live in the same house grow apart. It is easier than it looks.

Maybe just for fun I will motor home shop.?

Nah, I will just get my hopes up. Wondering aloud how many dogs I could take on this life/road trip?? It just occured to me this could be a mid life crisis thing for me. I just want a new life, a do-over. I want more freedom. Not that I have anything I can't do now I just hate the credit cards. Yep, it's the credit cards fault that we spend on them. I hate owing money.

Back to my initial thought of the day. Caiti’s tummy ache. She barfed in the sink. All I can say is thank God it was in the boys bathroom. Then she comes out and says (hang onto your seats) “the sink isn’t draining. I think it is clogged up with spaghetti noodles.” OMG could she have grossed me out more? Something wrong with getting, oh I don’t know a BARF BUCKET? If you know me at all you know I don’t do spit/saliva/gum things. When someone else makes barfing sounds I can’t help it I puke/almost puke every time. She waltzes out and declares she is going to bed and that I should pour some bleach down the un-draining, noodle laden bathroom sink... I admit I use a ton of bleach all of the time. I’m just thinking that even the most powerful bleach I use we could not force Italian sausage and spaghetti noodles down the drain. OMG I have to do something about this. I’m thinking she is 17. Don’t 17 year old girls handle their own barf issues? What age do Mom’s say “No thank you on the barf?”

<-Boulanger "plunger"

I sit in my chair and devise a plan. I look every where for a wire hanger. I found a lowly wire hanger in the recesses of the laundry room and pull it out as straight like a make shift sink snake. I "plunged" the sink the best I could. Plunged being more like pushed the smelly saliva noodles further down the drain. Must remember to put drano on David’s shopping list. With any luck he will not find out because knowing someone barfed and blew chunks in an area where you brush your teeth is a real gross out and I’m afraid it would not end pretty for her. Oh well, it all went further down. Got a half gallon of bleach to go down with no undue chunks holding anything up and with any luck David will be none the wiser. The funny thing is she blames the smell of bleach on making her tummy sick. She hates the smell. When I smell bleach I think CLEAN. 17 and I'm still doing the barf?

Gre, Regrets and what the hell?

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I wonder if lack of words means something? Nah, truth be told I have just been everywhere with my emotions and don't want to write only when I'm in a terrible state mentally.

It Depresses the heck out of me to read my prior posts. I'm now having more good days than bad days. I still miss “my(past) people” but realize that my family that is still alive needs me. Not just “ME” but functioning, cleaning, organizing, singing crazy songs “Me” back. Let’s see where to begin.

Dogs, we will start with the dogs. I have the cutest most precious little babies right now. I sit on the floor and play with them for hours. For anyone who doubts the power of a dogs love can ask me all about it. Dogs really love unconditionally and sometimes you need them in your lap, licking your ear, kissing your face, nibbling on your nose and then curling up in a little ball and lay their heads next to yours under the covers. Better than sex almost. So enduring, nothing expected back… just LOVE> Unearned, unmerited Love.

Now onto the kids. Chase passed another Microsoft test and has only one more to go before he is done for three years. No more computer software tests. Must feel nice when he keeps getting raises and such a feeling of accomplishment for him. I talked to Mory and the wedding is still being planned for July. WOW. My first son is going to be getting married this year. I know she wants babies quickly too. I feel two ways about that. Actually, I only feel one way about that I HATE that they live in Santa Barbara and will probably not find as good a job here in Oregon and might have their babies down there and without me. I want to be there for everything with the babies.

I want to experience what it feels like to be a new grandma. Not the once or twice a year grandma. /. I want to baby sit, I want to change stinky ass diapers. I want to go shopping, hold hands in the parking lot, take to the library and hopefylly instill the love of reading, read books together, walk to school, do home work together, coach them in their sports programs. From here I cannot do that. Everyone who knows anyone needs to think if they know someone looking to hire a computer network engineer. That is what Chase is and he would move back home if he can make a living.

Cody went to Corvallis for his pharmacy school interview. He thinks he is a shoe in. Most of the other applicants were Asian women. WHY? Cuz OSU gets 3-4 X the regular in state tuition's. Smart business wise. Get the students who pay the most. He feels very confidant that he is going to be accepted into the Masters Program and that he and Erica are headed up there in the Fall. I'm proud of him but wish he was more humble just in case he doesn't get in. I raised them to be brilliant, kind, Loving and I guess I forgot humble. Yep, I forgot that. Pharmacists tend to be arrogant so he will fit right in. Too smart for his own britches. My kids are A+++ My Kids are better than yours and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Who is arrogant now?

Colton applied to the PhD program at Uof O and didn't get called/emailed for an interview. 400 applicants-2 slots. I cried the first day I found out. I know that is not a very supportive thing for me to do. It is just that he is the youngest son who works hard at doing everything right. 3.96 VP of psychology club. Volunteered at the Middle school for “At risk” youth. Sculpted his whole education the past two years to so closely match what the schools research and area’s of interest lie. This kid works harder than both of his brothers and he is the one that has to wait. He thinks he needs more ‘research’ time to be considered for next years pool of applicants. He has a big plan, he thinks it all out. Budgets his money, plans for car insurance, food, etc. He is going to move up to Eugene and get a job and do research for the professors if he can. He knows what he is doing.

Why can't I accept that. My son is top 1%. How could the acceptance committee overlooked him? He is going to be successful regardless of what I do. I would be willing to move to Eugene and work for free if they would let him in the program. Crazy huh? I believe in all of my kids and find it astonishing that any group can't see it. Did he brag enough in his letter? He is after all just 19 and graduating with a Bachelor’s. Wasn't that sufficient proof of his dedication? Not just graduating, graduating with honors. 3.96 and not easy classes either. His GRE scores were through the roof. How can they overlook his score? He bought books 2 years before he knew he had to take the test and studied every single night. Made flash cards and diligently worked them. This kid put in the time…. Now he has to wait. Pisses me off really. He wants/needs me to back off and all I can do is research what he can do to prepare for next years application. Maybe he should have bragged instead of being so humble all of the time. HE JUST TURNED 19 AND IS GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE....

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I should butt out. Jeez, did I just type that? Yes, I will butt out. I don't know enough about what the schools need the applicants to have. I just know what my kids have and that is integrity, tenacity, desire and brains. We will sit back now and watch what they do. Moms need to learn to butt out.

Then the thought occurred to me. (Okay, it didn't actually occur to me at all. My sister called to share her thoughts with me) While I'm busy trying to fix this God has a different plan altogether and no amount of research on my part will change the outcome. . Maybe while I'm being disappointed God has something else in mind for him and I'm getting in His way. I suppose it makes sense. Still, I go crazy looking over the entire Internet trying to find out more information.

Colton has accepted the idea of waiting another year to reapply to grad school. Why am I freaked out? Should he get his Master’s while he waits? Will that hurt him because the school’s program includes a Masters degree on his way to PhD? Is there a Momthers anonymous in a area close by? I want my kids to have it better than me. It is more than “want,” actually, it is a serious need. I need my kids to have it better than I do.

Colton, my handsome son with his best girl, Jaclyn

Colton’s girlfriend, Jaclyn will be attending the college he will eventually attend. They both plans and goals and I'm impressed with their tenacity. She is a lovely young woman who I'm beginning to know. Her parents should be very proud of the job they have done with her. She is respectful, follows all the rules and is honorable.

My biggest personal regret is not finishing college. I should have been a Doctor right now. (Not a pretend Doctor like I play in my own mind.) Then if I spend any time cracking it all down, I would not have met my husband, had the same kids and my life wouldn't be what it is. I wouldn't trade a day without one of my kids. I do know that these kids are gifts from God to me. I take the stewardship of them very seriously. I know that some day I have to answer to God on how I raised them. Frankly, that scares the hell out of me. What did I do with what He gave me?

Caiti graduates from High School the beginning of March. She will continue at the local college here. She likes the community college aspect of being local. I hope she takes a drama class, she is so good at acting, memorizing and has zero fear on the stage. This Fall I will almost be alone. Just David and I. Caiti part time and I'm scared to death. I hate to hear the boys talking about budgets, moving away etc. It feels like a stab in my heart. I'm going to miss them something fierce. My whole life is in them. I think that the emptying nest syndrome should be talked about more than it is because as the kids leave part of your heart leaves too. The dogs will help me. They always do.

Gigi, my Father's dog.

This house is too big for just us when they leave. I want a smaller house. Same amount of land but less house. Much less house. I say that and then realize that if I don't have enough beds the kids won't come visit because let’s face it no floor is comfortable no matter where you are.

Guess typing this has cleared my mind a bit. I really do need to stop obsessing about this and that I actually need to allow the kids to make their own ways and that having big, bad Mommy is not always a good thing. Damn, I hate growing up.

Bust a cap in his knee and move along little pervert.

Left to right. Cody, my son, Kenny my nephew (Kim's son) and then Colton my son. My own version of the Jonas brothers only cuter and so much smarter.


Well it is nearly midnight here. I'm not one bit tired. Sitting around all day relaxing is easy work. I'm actually relaxing. There are half hours that go by without my incessant need to be keeping my hands busy. I have Piper here with me in Portland again. It is nice to bring a snuggle buddy. Makes not having 1o dogs on me while away more bearable. Christine drove all the way to OC to drive me to Mike's eye appt. Kyle met us at the eye center and we had a small entourage in attendance. My kids seem to be doing well in my absence. I would think they would miss me but alas not so. Guess they are growing up and need me less and less.





The anti depressants are working can you tell? Hardly any tears and I am looking forward to waking up each day. (Maybe not the part where my little sister, Bonne phones me every single morning and then asks after she has called me 5 times within a minute if she woke me up? LOL) I cried a few tears today when I was thinking about how important it is to me to have my kids and Kim's kids stick close to each other as a family and as "Our" family. Kim is not here to do that so I feel it is somehow on me. If I die and my kids and Kim's kids don't stay in touch and make the effort to love one another I will have felt like my life was in vain. When my Mom died we all didn't speak for 11 years. The worst 11 years of my life. We were still connected by some unusual connection though. I want so much better for our kids.

Love is such an easy thing to take for granted.

*********************************************************************************
People suck sometimes. I was looking for a childhood friend and ended up in all the drama and my friend is dead. Life does suck.

Aren't you glad I'm really not in the Mafia? Bust a cap? I crack myself up. How do I get out of this mess? I want less drama and more loving. I tried to think of what advice my Dad would give me. That's where I came up with bust a cap. I wonder if I could ever really do it.

Just couldn't resist this one.

I think this is funny.

Thought for this morning...

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'






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Location:Southside Rd,Grants Pass,United States

Happy Stinkin' New Years!!

I had a really great night. I mean it. A fantastic evening. We had a party and it was genuinely fun. We all sang, played "Settler's of Catan" and ate great food. Everyone stayed until after 1:00.
I haven't laughed in months and my blogs have been so dreary. It felt so great to have my soul lifted tonight I pledge this year to myself to open my heart and let go of some grief. I can't keep going without looking ahead. Good things are to be for me and the kids this year. I'm praying that Colton and Cody get admitted to the graduate schools that they really want to go to.
My kitchen is clean, dishes are all done and all messes are clean. Now our next party is tomorrow. Rose Bowl party. I'm not about sports except to listen and kind of watch just enough to feign interest. Ducks are huge in the family. Duck eveything. My puppies should have pictures on sweatshirts and t shirts cuz they are cuter than the duck. Lol.




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Location:Grays Creek Rd,Williams,United States