Kim Alyce Boulanger-White
July 12,1959-August 24,2009
Holy Crap. I am so devastated deep in my soul. Deep places in my very solar plexes in spots where I didn’t know I could hurt. I think I know, actually am more acutely aware of what it feels like to have your heart being ripped from your chest. An ache I have never felt. Like part of me is being shredded apart.
My oldest sister (and Mom figure) died on August 24th. Yes. If you are keeping up with these things 2 major relatives in 5 weeks. I am still so deeply mourning my Father. I miss him so much. Sitting here typing about him makes me tear up. I have realized something. My children have maybe seen me cry 2-4 times in their whole lives. I’m not a crier…. I wasn’t until now. My tears are always sitting on the rim of my eyes. I cry for no real reason. I think of something I want to tell my Dad and each time the memories flood right in. Like every time I have to relive the fact that he isn't in my house, on my land and I can't crawl up on his bed and just sit and hold his hand and talk about the stupid parts of my day. He always wanted me to tell him about the puppies and the Mom's. Tears are everywhere. I feel like since my Father and sister died I’m a walking zombie. I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate.
My sister, Kim, Kenny (the groom) and Michael my brother-in-law
Kimmie dancing with Kenny. She was so proud this day.
I’m so alone. No one left who understands what being a Boulanger is. Boulanger is not simply a name. It is a way of life. It is a doing word. Boulanger’s always show up. Boulanger’s always come together during any crisis no matter how much we might be mad at each other. For all intensive purposes “Boulanger” is a verb. I tried talking to my youngest sister, Bonne about our heritage. She was too young. Boulanger means nothing to her. I don’t think it is something you can make another person appreciate or understand. I can tell her what it means to me but she won’t feel it in her core like I do. It seems like when I try to convey to the kids about my Mom there is this mist in front of their eyes. You can read about someone but unless you hear their laugh, or hear them talk you are missing the essence of the person.
I wonder if this is how it is supposed to feel when you are really old (not young like me of course) and everyone you love dies before you?? My sister just turned 50. That is young. Really young. Her big thing was that she out lived our Mother (died at 45) and she made it to the age of 50. Her second wish was that she could dance at her son’s wedding which she did. July 25th she danced. She danced with her son and she danced with her husband.
I wonder if this is how it is supposed to feel when you are really old (not young like me of course) and everyone you love dies before you?? My sister just turned 50. That is young. Really young. Her big thing was that she out lived our Mother (died at 45) and she made it to the age of 50. Her second wish was that she could dance at her son’s wedding which she did. July 25th she danced. She danced with her son and she danced with her husband.
You know, I’m having a serious crisis of faith. I wonder why God would allow this to happen.?? Then I think about people who lose their whole family in fires or car accidents and I understand that is worse for sure. My beef is the amount of family I am actually left with. Not much. There are 4 Boulanger kids left. No Mom, no dad and No big sister. The older sister I’m left with, now that Kimmie is not here, has no morals and we don’t speak. Not every family is perfect I know. I’m certainly NOT perfect but I do like to live my life as if “I’m better than that” philosophy. My brother, Tommy lives in Renton, Washington and has 3 kids and 3 grandkids. We don’t get to see each other often enough.
You know the 8 nights I spent in the hospital’s parking garage left me A LOT of time to think. No Internet and no computer left me with nothing else to do but think about stuff before my 4 Tylenol Pm’s would kick in. I’m sad. I’m sad that my Mom didn’t get to see any of my kids, I’m sad when people have a Mother and chose not to be involved with her. My sister’s passing has taught me that I always need to end every conversation with people I care about to say “I love you” before hanging up.
You know the 8 nights I spent in the hospital’s parking garage left me A LOT of time to think. No Internet and no computer left me with nothing else to do but think about stuff before my 4 Tylenol Pm’s would kick in. I’m sad. I’m sad that my Mom didn’t get to see any of my kids, I’m sad when people have a Mother and chose not to be involved with her. My sister’s passing has taught me that I always need to end every conversation with people I care about to say “I love you” before hanging up.
I was Kim’s last phone call. Happened the night before her heart attack. She phoned me at 11:40 ish. She phoned me because she was frustrated that the nurses “had not given her anything for her pain” and she was greatly distressed and in agony. My final words to her were “What room are you in? I’ll take care of it.” She then told me the nurse was there and she would call me in the morning when she woke up. I didn’t tell her I loved her, not because I didn’t. I just assumed this hospitalization would be like all the others. She goes into the hospital they pump her with antibiotics and she goes home until MRSA gets her again. I know that regrets don’t fix things. But my regret hopefully will be turned into an action. Never finish a call without saying “I love you more.”
If you know me you know I’ve been dreaming of my tattoo. The one I can’t get and stay married with.. I have decided I don’t want it to say “Love never fails” because it does all of the time. Instead… I want my tattoo to say simply “I remember.”
Kimmie with her best friends, Ziggy and Harley
Rest in Peace Kimmie. I remember...
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