Sparkling Mondays and is this all?

Friends, not friends and of course the liars.

My dad's health has been worse than ever. He is not sleeping. "He is not sleeping", translates roughly to I'm not sleeping either". I am beyond exhausted. I mean it. I wake up more tired than when I lay on my couch. You might not think this possible. Trust me it is possible. I'm tired of being tired. I take 20 some odd vitamins every day trying to stay on top of my game. After a while like now, caffeine is what gets my body amped all day then Tylenol Pm's tell my body when I order it to go sleep. Now I control up and down time with caffeine and benadryl. What has become of me? LOL I love Coffee and Diet Pepsi so it is all good.

I have noticed differences in my thinking too. Even weirder is that I sometimes "hear" my dad calling for me and he is sleeping soundly. We go up and down on this crazy roller coaster of sleeplessness. It doesn't matter if he doesn't sleep because laying in bed doesn't make him tired. He can doze off and on all day. I don't have that same luxury. I have to do my stuff to take care of business. I hopefully am going to get more help with my dad. If I could just have at least 3-4 days of 6 hours straight sleep I will do just fine. Getting up 2-3 times an hour all night long is making me so rummy. I haven't slept in my own bed for over a year now. Couch = bed. Sad huh? It is comfy and I don't usually resent it. I like being downstairs because if anyone comes to the house or if there is a problem I'm in the "hub" of the house. It is so spread out that when I'm upstairs I don't know anything about what is going on downstairs.

Summer is almost upon us. Colton and Caitlin have one week left of finals and they can help out more too. This is my last summer with Colton. He will be in graduate school next summer. I feel sad when the kids grow up and move out. I get more lonely as each moves out. I know this is life but God, it sucks hard. Bitter sweet. Luckily for me I have dogs that won't leave me like these damn kids. LOL. I'm planning for a future. I feel like I have earned it. I want to travel. I want to see other states. I want to be in streams and lakes and see Mt Rushmore. I want to do this before I am too old to enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like "Is this really all there is?" I want to enjoy my life and read books again. I want to lay on the beach all day under an umbrella in the warm sand. Right now tho I'm getting through every day thinking about "the dream."

Enough complaining. I make myself sick with my talk of life. Woe is me. Blah blah bull shit. I have made every decision I have made in my life with a conscious knowledge of just what I was doing. My dad didn't get sick over night. He has progressively with age gotten sicker and more bed ridden etc. I didn't make him eat right so part of his illness is because I wasn't strong enough to keep him off the sugars. I know it was and is his decision but I could have not indulged him so much. I like sugar too you see. I'm not diabetic (Thank you Jesus) and I don't know if I could be as good as my husband is with not eating sugar etc. It is hard.

So, my last post talked about "esoteric things". I have found out that someone I cherished is a liar. They lied to me, they lied to others and it is about their general character. The thing that makes them who they are. Everyone lies, yes, even I. But when you are developing a friendship you are counting on the other person being real. When you find out the other person is NOT what you thought they were it is heart wrenching. I don't have a lot of free time because of my obligations so I cherish the time I am allotted and to find out the time spent in the company of people who don't know how to be honest with themselves or me makes me feel sick. This is the first experience I have ever had where I am (was) friends with a stranger. I will be much more careful next time. I have learned things so it all was not in vain. I don't believe in reincarnation but if it ends up we come back please make me a dog. I want to be a small toy lap dog that is pampered. I want to sleep and eat when I feel like it. I want someone to love on me all day and make me feel loved. My dogs have it made. (ick... I want to be a dog who is fixed) No doggy porno for me. LOL.

I'm in Portland. I brought Kim back from her 7 day stay in GP. Her cellulitis is back and she had to be brought up to Kaiser. I slept in a real bed last night. I slept 7 whole hours. I HAD DREAMS!! I haven't had dreams in months. Too much of my sleep is broken up into little pieces. If I have a dream I don't remember. Thank God I'm not a person who is to interpret dreams. I don't know what they mean but I was so well rested this morning and have a feeling it has something to do with the dreams. I feel fantastic.

David's poison oak is so, so bad. He is on Predisone and got a shot. He is worse than ever. I think the oral ivy drops he takes every single day of the year to keep him from getting it has made him super sensitive to it. His skin where the lesions are is like thick oozing leather. I get it bad but NOTHING like what he has. It is so bad he is so blistered. OMG. I think he should stay off the oral ivy because it hasn't helped do anything.

I go home tomorrow. It's all good. Here is the super crazy part... I miss my dad. Yes, I also miss my kids and hubby but mostly my life is my Dad. Is Dad happy, fed, cool enough, drink enough water, etc. I almost don't know what to do with myself not having him here. I"m a lunatic I know. It is after 11 and all these early birds are in bed. I'm afraid I may wake them with the clicking of the key board. So get real, get real fast and get going.

Do we really "know" people?

I'm 45 and I have just realized that we don't really "know" people. What we know is through our own observations and from what they divulge. Recently I found out that someone who I thought I knew I really don't know. I feel like a tool. I always want to believe the best in people. I want to believe what they tell me. If I have taken my time and have allowed someone "in" I expect at least honestly. Not one sided bull shit. You know, I don't know if i'm getting across what I'm trying to say or not. If I have decided that we "click" and are friends and then years later discover you were a fake person and I have shared intimate details of my life it hurts me. Hurts me deep. If friends can't share "real truths" no matter how ugly than the one who isn't sharing is lying in omission.

I have a friend who has done just that. Let me know parts and pieces and never the real truth and now I'm stuck wondering if I should confront or back away and consider it a lesson learned and move along toward the next thing.?? Any suggestions?

I feel like an investment in each other is what deepens friendships and allows them to flourish. I'm so confused.

Oh What a great day.

The Va brought my Dad out a hoyer lift. What is a hoyer lift and why is Heather so excited about it you wonder? It is a machine that allows me to get my dad up off of the bed and can clean under him. The new air mattress the VA gave him transfers his pressure points every 15 minutes. I only have to add pillows every hour or so. Anything that helps me with my Dad is so awesome and I truly am thankful.

Chase and Mory were here and we had the most awesome time. Cody and Erica came over a couple of nights and we had BBQ with all the kids. I got great Mother's Day pictures. Here is one below:

What a good looking group of boys. Mory and I spent a great deal of time together while Chase was a groomsman in Seth Reeser's wedding and so he went to Portland and Mory stayed with us here.  It was so nice getting to know her and share that time with her. She has come out of her shll sufficiently. It was so weird having all the kids in the house at the same time. Weird but so appreciated. It was so sweet to see Erica loving on the puppies. She missed them a lot. Mory couldn't keep her hands off of the babies and they appreciated the extra attention.  I have a bit of a cold right now. I take about 20 vitamins every night so it comes as a complete shock that I'm sick. I havent' been sick in years. Hopefully this will be a fast moving thing. I sure don't want to get my dad sick. I'm looking forward to the Boulanger trip in June. Yes siree Bob.

 Mory and Chase are here.

This was the wing on the airplane when I flew down to Santa Barbara last year. Now my kids, Chase and Mory are here in Oregon. My kids are all going to be with me on Mothers Day!!

Tomorrow Mory and I are getting our hair weaves and manicures.


Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
See you soon -- Post From My iPhone

Washed, examined and the naked man

Happiness is temporary. This is so true. SO every day when I wake up in what seems like my own "personal hell" also kiddingly referred to as "Ground Hog Day" by me. You know that movie with Bill Murray where he wakes up everyday and does the exact same thing every single stinkin' day? I wake up every day to the ground hog day. Coffee must be made, dogs must go out, clean pens, fresh food and water. Vacuum around dog pens, vacuum the house. Change pee pads, get my dad coffee, start laundry. Empty the dishwasher, clean the pen in the kitchen, see who needs to be wormed and ready for shots. Get my dad something to eat. Get him more coffee even though I know he just drank 3 cups. Every day he pretends to not remember drinking the first cup. It is kind of funny because it happens EVERY SINGLE MORNING> Thus the ground Hog analogy.

When I have puppies in the nursery, I always love on them and pet them all day and that makes my happiness permanent. Dogs make the best friends. They are so damn happy for chicken jerky. They kiss me more than my kids and never talk back. (Well they do holler when they want in or out.) No, my kids do not talk back...much. We are well past the arguing/talking back stage. Now it is just watching them grow up into the people they were raised to be.

Chase and Mory will be here for Mother's Day. Happy for that. Chase is going to his friends wedding up in Portland. Mory is going to stay here with us and we are going to go to our favorite hair specialist. Caiti will get cobalt blue and hot pink this time and Mory will be getting a double colored (honey and blonde) weave. So we will have a nice day of beauty. Marissa is the best hair stylist and we like to go in because it is like we own the joint. I wish I could say they are coming up for Mother's Day but alas, Seth Reeser is getting married in Portland and Chase is a groomsmen.

I had lunch today with Cody. I picked him up at the pharmacy at Allen Creek Albys and we went to the other Albertson's (where David works) and David cooked us burgers and we had soda. It was nice. I think it was the first time David had seen Cody since he moved out. We discuseed Cody's plans for when Chase was here and when he planned to be able to come over. David spent the whole day behind his store cooking cheeseburgers and hot dogs for his employees and their families. "Employee appreciation" is what he calls it. It rained A LOT> So he stood in the rain for hours cooking/bbq for his people. He is a good man. He is a good boss and one of the things I respect most about him is that he does not just stand around ordering other people to do work. HE works harder than anyone else I know. I think he will have his Masters Degree next May. Where will we end up? I don't know. I will go anywhere in Oregon. I don't want to move a long way away from my sisters or children for money.

Maybe he will be promoted and we stay in the same area. I love my land. I love where I live. I love my privacy, I love my aninimity, I love knowing nothing about my neighbors nor them about me. Living in the woods is the best place to live if you like the country. Every trip into town in a "deal" now. It's not like when we lived in town we would drive to Walmart in the bat of an eye. Now we plan one trip for everything. Funny how that is.

Someone who reads my blogs asked me for more details about my "Naked man" in a previous blog about my childhood. I remembered something about him that I thought I had previously blogged. I used to have to keep him dressed. That sounds easy enough huh? Well, he liked to be naked A LOT. When I was having a 14th birthday party at my house (We owned and ran and lived in the retirement home) my friends and I had stayed up late and swam in the pond and finally went to sleep. We were so exhausted and finally fell asleep about 1:30. Well, come 3 AM my naked man came into the room we were sleeping buck naked and turned the light on. Lots of screaming ensued. My friends were so horrified seeing a ghost white naked man standing in the doorway. They called their Mom's and my Mom had to explain a lot to the parents. I ended up with no friends left for the rest of the sleep over.

I didn't pout or feel sorry for myself.. I could not understand what the big deal was. I had been raised with old people most of my life. Big deal. Naked man... just another time to get him dressed. I smile now as I remember this episode. I'm smiling because now I realize what it must have felt like to be one of those girls parents. "Mom, please come get me. A naked man just came into the room where we were sleeping and turned the light on and was calling for Heather." cry cry whine etc. No feeling like ...By this time I had helped bathe every person in the retirement home and thought nothing of a dick and ball sack. Just something else that had to be washed. Meant absolutely nothing to me. YOu know, the experiences I had as a child, like the naked man have helped me with my adult life. You see I hate going to see the OBGYN for the yearly check up. I mean I HATE it. The only way I could get through is it to think that the woman doctor had seen so many vagina's in her life that mine (although special to me) is nothing big. Just like how I thought about the old mens genitals. No big deal. All the same something else needing to be washed or examined.

Coming home from Portland

Omg!! What a fast two days we just had. Now we are driving home. Actually there is no "we" as Colton is driving all the way home. He is a good and sturdy driver.


Above is a picture of me, my sister Kim and her daughter and my niece Christine. This evening was the annual "Roast Heather" I am voting for someone else next time LOL.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
See you soon -- Post From My iPhone