All things Princess Petunia

2010-12-09T23:58:00.001-08:00

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Florida in the Summer 2010

2010-10-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

It has been certainly the most interesting summer I have ever had. Erica, Cody and I flew to Florida to be with Justin for 12 days. We relaxed, ate at the most fantastic restaurants and seeing the sights. Florida is a gorgeous state. Loved being there but even more happy when we returned home. In all my years I have heard that it is "really hot, humid and the bugs were big" That doesn't even begin to cover what Florida is. It is too hot, too humid and the bugs are bigger than life. I have seen cockroaches bigger than half dollar coins. These cockroaches could pick up an entire piece of bread and carry it to their condo's. They are huge. I actually had never seen one before.
We searched the Internet to be sure it was what we thought. Picture will follow. Justin has a beautiful, huge house in a very exclusive neighborhood. I never saw any children and only 1 or 2 dogs the full 12 days. I know why though. It is hot as shit there. Here was a typical day. Wake up at 8 AM No one else up. Climb into his private pool that was the absolute perfect temperature. I would swim 1-2 hours in the morning, listening to my iPhone music and exercise like hell. Kick, swim, kick and feel like it was almost heaven. No bugs because in Florida everyone has screened in back porches. I got a great tan there and didn't even try the rays hit you through the house's I'm sure. I would take a shower after swimming and get freshened up to then have to walk out of the air conditioned house to the waiting car and instantly my hair would be wet and I would feel like my ass was sweating.(Think about this, if your ass is sweating you have to worry if people are thinking to themselves "I smell ass") Such a horrible feeling all of the time. The air their smells bad too. They have to have a lot of retention ponds because of the tornado's and hurricanes to help the state not flood so bad. BIG huge STAGNANT ponds of water. Smells like when you drive past a sewage plant and it smells so much like crap all of the time. ICK!

I appreciate Oregon's weather, fresh air and especially the under rated and have learned to appreciate the ability to drink water straight from the tap/well. I didn't realize that people really do NEED to drink bottled water. NEED vs. Like. The people on the East coast HAVE to drink bottled water because all their water is terrible tasting and smelling. You have to buy bottled water in restaurants as well. I tried to drink nothing that might even have had to be made with the water there.

I realize I still hate flying. It was so nice to go with Cody and Erica because I could hold their hands during takeoff and landing. It is always so stressful to me. We literally were those people that you see on TV that have to run from gate to gate to get on the plane. We landed late, the airlines were boarding early. Ridiculous really. I swam in that damn pool in the evenings too. The pool was absolutely perfect. I enjoyed every minute of swimming, I would be in the pool every minute I was awake and not doing something else. We went Para sailing and looked at all of the houses along Florida's roads. Gorgeous houses/mansions/ and houses. I loved visiting Florida but would never want to live there. Oh wait, let me rethink this. Cocoa Beach/Miami Beach... The water in the ocean is like stepping into a big warm bathtub. That part was so divine as well. Okay, Okay, bad water, stinky air, no kids, no animals, sweating profusely when outdoors, big bugs, even bigger cockroaches, warm water, private pool, great restaurants, the most incredible malls, service industry can't be beat. Everyone smokes and acts like they don't know it is a dirty little habit, people seem super rich or poorer than shit, Diet Pepsi tastes different, $12.00 gallon of milk... the warm ocean.... the cockroaches...the beautiful beaches,...the expensive life... the fantastic pool and incredible house... chilling with the kids... worried about who I left home... missing the kids... missing the hubby...oceans, blue beautiful oceans. Hm.. Okay, Okay, I'll decide. I would stay in Oregon no matter what. Like I said earlier Florida had its perks but the lack of drinkable water was so disconcerting.

Painting for free, late night Shari's run and

2010-08-09T01:10:00.001-07:00

David was told to paint the break room at work so all the boys including Logan along with Erica and I went and painted it. Mint green. Ick- the color raped my eyes. Only 3 employees volunteered to help for free. God forbid anyone there appreciate their job and actually do something for free. We had fun~all of our crew painting and laughing and teasing. Weird that work brings my family together.
Cody and Erica are making plans to move to Corvallis the beginning of September. My heart is breaking already. Erica is my friend. We do so many things together and she is good company. We even like the same music~ LOL

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2010-07-23T08:11:00.001-07:00

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Driving, baldness and the serenity prayer

2010-05-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today I had Caitlin drive me all over town. I have let her down. The boys all had their drivers license's on or around their 16th birthday. Caitlin will be 18 in August and still does not have a license. She is less mature than they were at her age and I can't allow any of my kids to drive a car unless I know they will be able to go out and come home safely. As a parent having your kids start driving alone is a BIG deal. I used to sit on pins and needles until I saw their headlights bobbing up and down my driveway coming home.

I promised Caitlin I would drive around with her until I felt she was safe (and others are safe) and work on getting her license by her HS graduation. Let me tell you something. If I have any hair on my head left it is by the grace of God. I have trained all 3 boys on driving and feel totally good when they are driving. Colton goes so damn slow/right at the speed limit I often wonder how he gets anywhere. :) Caitlin is so much better at driving than she was the last year. Much more mature. I feel ashamed actually that I have not taken the appropriate time before now to allow her the time she needs to feel comfortable in the car. She confessed to me that she feels so dumb/stupid/and "behind" when her peers ask her if she is driving yet and she has to sheepishly say "Noes". I did that. My lackadaisical attitude didn't afford her the extra time she obviously needed to be able to drive without a parent. I can of course say well, my Dad was dying, my sister died and I didn't have the energy. Sure, I could say that but I won't. It has been lack of parenting. David could have taken her but he is so impatient with her. This is the first time I have driven with her that I felt like she is close to being ready to get her drivers license. We didn't get in an argument and I actually looked around where we were driving instead of clenching my fists tight or arguing.

Colton sent me a picture of him on the Golden Gate Bridge.
He looks so handsome in his gorgeous shirt an tie.

He drove to Stanford for a psychology conference. Sounds like snooze-ville" to me so it is a good thing he didn't ask me to go. I'm proud of him and that he went on such a long road trip, stayed in a hotel etc. Got his own maps, made all of his own reservations etc. We have done a good job with him.

I have been thinking about this big house I live in a lot lately. How much I'm going to hate all the empty rooms. I want to move I think. I want to rent next time. I never know what is going to happen with David and where we may end up so I want to be able to move where my kids end up. (Hopefully not Timbuktu) I have never been in love with this house. It seems dark and dreary. I like the light. I feel better when it is brighter inside. There will be 3 bedrooms we don't use after September and the boys move out. I still would like to live in the country because I hate neighbors. The best neighbors in my opinion are the ones I don't know. LOL. I like to sit outside and feel like I'm in paradise. My doggies running around all through the grass and me swinging on my swing with a nice hot cup of coffee or a ice cold Diet Pepsi. That is heaven in my world. I moved here because I fell in love with the property. I'm still in love with the property but don't know how I will handle all the utter emptiness soon. Maybe it is time for us to make a change too. (Now all I have to do is broach the subject to David and get him to understand how i'm feeling)

Chase's fiancee, Mory and I have been planning the wedding.. Her mostly but I must say planning or lack of planning is very stressful. We have gotten into several small tiffs on the Internet. I realize now why. She doesn't know me well enough or at all. Everything I say she takes literally and I'm so easy. She doesn't know how easy I am. I have an idea of how I have dreamed of my kids wedding and she see's it a different way. When it comes right down to it, it is their wedding and they hold all the cards and it is my first lesson from my kids about "butting out." Ouch. Doesn't feel so good does it now? I have to remember that the wedding has no bearing on me really. I can cause dissension, I can push my ideas (like I usually do) or I can gracefully say "I will wear what you want me to wear, be where you want me to be and will do anything you ask. Point and I'll do it." That is not an easy task for me.. or for a Boulanger in general. We give orders, don't take them... Until now with my almost new daughter. With each new passing day I learn something new whether it be to "Butt out" or please help and to know the difference. I just realized there is a whole prayer about this. "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." Let's just say it is a work in progress.

ONE non related item I am going to throw in here. I loved homeschooling. My kids are smarter and faster and love their families. I would not change a thing about that.

I haven't had neighbors in probably 16 years. Well that is a lie actually, we had neighbors when we lived on Haviland. We had huge hedges between us and the houses were far away from each other. So, while there were neighbors in reality they minded their own business and we minded our own too. I'm going to exercise and watch the finale of Greys Anatomy. Until again... Ciao

3 graduations and a wedding. June is going to be busy

2010-05-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

I have such conflicting thoughts running through my mind right now. I have two boys moving in August/Sept, and my only daughter (and baby) is graduating from High School. My oldest son, Chase is getting married. Yes, that is a lot of life changes. The thing is that it all happens the first weekend in June. Yes, add a bridal shower in there and we have major things starting on Thursday and the final thing is the wedding on Sunday the 6th of June.

My daughter and I went to the hospital in Medford to visit my friend Gina who just had a baby yesterday.

Me holding Reese today.

Very cute little baby I might add here. Anyway, on the way home Caiti and were realizing at the same time that we are going to be alone soon. I have always had the boys home and this is going to be a horrifying experience. Just thinking about them leaving makes me tear up. Logan (My nephew) lives here with us so there will still be 4 in the house and he is good company for Caiti and maybe having her brothers leave won’t be so stinging since we have him with us. I don’t know if I’m ready for this change. I know that I don’t have a choice and I know that this is what their Father and I have worked so hard raising them for. They will be able to go out and be “productive members of the community” and we can be proud.

I feel very blessed that they both chose to go to local colleges so I have been afforded a lot more time with them than other people whose children went away for college. So many emotions.. I’m sad, scared, apprehensive, worried, worried about me, hopeful, proud, lonesome already, wondering if they will call? How often will they call? Will I know when they need an encouraging word? Will I know when they are having a tough time? Will I be able to handle not knowing their daily activities? How many times can I go up without being hovering? I’m mostly sad. I don’t like change to be honest. Just going through each day sometimes is still tough. The weather for sure is not helping.

I’m excited for the wedding. I’m gonna have a new daughter and I know she wants to be part of the family and that makes me happy. Once they get married are they gonna have kids right away? They plan to start their family soon. The problem is they live in Santa Barbara. That is right, 13 hours away. I in my wildest dreams never thought I might end up being the “twice a year” grandma. I want hands on. I want fresh baby skin, unconditional love, the joy again of comforting a child, I look forward to baths in the kitchen sink, knowing and watching their personalities emerge. I want it all. I want grandkids and I want them close enough I get to help. I’m 46 and today I just realized what a grandparent knows.

When I was at the hospital I talked to the baby daddy and told him that know with this new baby he can fix errors he made with his first two. (He is divorced and has 2 sons-Youngest is 9) So, this is kind of his “second” family. I saw it as an opportunity for him to be a better man, person and Dad to this fresh miracle that God has blessed him with. That is what a Grandparent knows. They have been down the parenting road, I know what it takes to raise kids. I know the pitfalls. I know the mistakes, things I thought were so important aren’t. I get to sit back and relax and hope that my kids come to me and think I was a good enough parent to get advice from. Please hope I don't give unsolicited advice. I don't want to be "one of those" parents/ grandparent. We Boulanger's think we know everything. In actuality I realize with each passing year how dumb I was the previous year. Kind of like getting older makes me more appreciative, less judgmental and smart. I know dementia is right around the corner but I feel like I'm smarter every year.

My life has been very steady lately. We are starting to clean carpets, wash windows etc to prepare for all the company that is coming. I’m going to pretend that my boys aren’t leaving, that Chase decides to live in Oregon and still close enough to help co-parent and that my daughter continues to rock at college. I’m proud mostly. Proud and scared of how it will be when the house is more empty.

Admissions, remissions and angst

2010-05-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

Okay so once again I haven't written in forever. This time it is not because I have any grand excuses. I have been down and out. Back tracking a bit...
I realized I have gained a great deal of weight since my Dad and sister died. I sat on my ass feeling totally sorry for myself and ate. Now, when I saw "ate" it wasn't fruits and veggies. My idea of a perfect meal is a Diet Pepsi, (Don't have to feel quite so guilty drinking this one) bag of KC Masterpiece chips, red licorice and chocolate. Chips and junk food are my ways to "comfort" myself. I feel stress, I eat. I don't actually really feel better when I eat but I feel like I'm satisfying something. Then the next time my clothes are too tight I regret eating such crap. Apparenly I'm a slow learner. Too many calories and you gain weight. Exercise is a good thing. (God I hate to exercise)

I have been telling a niece of mine she needs to get some mental health help. She is not handling her life changes in a good way. I'm a huge believer in seeing someone who can listen objectively like a therapist. The people who are involved know every side and can't actually "listen". So, after nagging her to death and making her ears bleed with the nagging she went to the therapist. Now it wasn't so bad. Then she tells someone else I have an addiction to food because she noticed I take lots of pictures of food. Truth be known, I do. I see foods that looks scrumptious or I'm gonna eat it or my husband has made it, I take pictures of it. Yes, I have also been known to send them out via my cell phone. It's not an obsession just an interest. I also like to make those who can't have it jealous. So, here I am on this stinking 500 calorie diet and I have been so completely stressed and I can't have those comfort foods. It has really made me depressed not being able to pig out. I know this will pass so I'm waiting it out. Losing weight is more pleasurable than eating at this point. I have lost a good sum of weight but being a Boulanger, I want it off NOW.

Mothers Day 2010
Colton, Caitlin, Erica and I went to the coast to buy daisies and release them in the ocean in remembrance of my Mom and my sister who recently died. We all went off of our diets and ruined the whole rest of the day stressing about if I gained any weight. Stupid I know. I did not realize how sad I was going to be while in Brookings. I was remembering my sister and how this was their first Mother's Day without her. So many tears from unknown regions. We laid on the beach for hours on a blanket and listened to the waves. (I listen to the waves all night with an app on my iPhone.) We all love the coast. Erica drove both ways and I worked on the "wedding surprise".

Monday- Day after Mothers day.
Woke up with a splitting headache and totally didn't want to get out of bed because the scale is downstairs and I make myself weigh every morning. I resentfully walked down the stairs to the hall of shame... I had gained 8 oz. I know like big deal right? Add that to the rest of the day (I won't say what exactly) and then I can't sleep. I have poison oak all over my body (thanks to the dogs that run through it and cuddle with me throughout the day) and a migraine. Couldn't sleep and know I'm in for a hell of a day. I'm drinking 3 quarts of water a day. Drinking alot.. means peeing a lot. What comes in must come out right? Poison oak is down there too now.

Tuesday- Get very bad news about one of my nieces. She had a pap smear done 2 months ago and the lab found "precancerous cells" and her doctor advised waiting for 4 weeks and re-testing. Well, 4 weeks later and now those same cells that were stage 1 pre-cancerous are now stage 4. Here is the part that has me ripped up inside....They want to do another test (might take a couple of weeks) My thinking is..Why wait? They have told her since she has such severe endimitriosis they have to do a full hysterectomy. Okay then, let's do the surgery immediately and then test the tissue after it is out of her body. I have such cancer issues and this whole "wait and watch" mentality that people are embracing is insane. I'm not allowed to give her my opinion because she "trusts the doctor" and what he says. I have been so sick about this. I of course did not sleep once again. How can anyone just "Wait and watch?" We already know how fast her conditioned changed and grow in just 4 weeks. Why would ANYONE wait and watch? They are wanting another test to see if it could be in the glands. If it could be in the glands? My experience in anything affecting the glands is deadly. I'm frightened for her. I'm scared to death she is going to actually wait and let the cancer grow.

Another of my nieces called today and wanted to hash stuff out with me. Not a good day for it but I realize it can't always be

about me.
I'm also realizing that the older I get the more selfish I am. If I don't want to I won't. You can't make me etc. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. Holding in most of what I think and trying to keep up morale. Holding the fort down. etc. I'm tired of "holding the fort down" being the strong one. I still think I can do anything and usually do but I don't want to do what I don't want to do and I hate having to sit by when someones life is at stake and mind my own business.

Today I refused to talk to anyone on the phone. I know that when I'm stressed out I get quiet. I clam up. I have to absorb the information. I can't help it that is how I assimilate stuff. I have so much "stuff" going on.

My daughter graduates from high School on June 3, bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law on June 4th, June 5th is the University graduation of two of my sons and then the following day June 6th is my oldest son's wedding. I'm really not actively stressed by the wedding as the bride, Mory, has done almost all of the work. She is a handy girl. It is just so many things happening so quickly together.

I have some of the cutest little puppies in the nursery right now. Puppies are what gets me through a great many days. Knowing they are waiting to play and be loved is the greatest thrill in my life. They are so excited to see me and never cease to amaze me. After all of these years who would have ever guessed I would be so excited about each litter born. Dogs start and end my every day. Not everyone could be happy with my job. I clean a lot of poo up. It is so worth it when I get to be the first ones the puppies get to see and love on. I think I have the greatest job in the world. I thought about being a playboy bunny but they have met there "fat" lady quota. LOL

Location:Grants Pass,United States

April Party in Portland

2010-04-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

Knee brace, ankle brace and my Dad's walker

2010-04-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

Our Omelletes- Fixings and done.

Knee brace, ankle brace, back brace…. It is hell getting old.

SO it is true. I have been nagged mercilessly about not blogging for so long. I have been in a funk. A serious funk. I’m feeling better but it is coming slow. I have also heard that you are tired of reading about Orchids, old men with stogies and wood peckers. I get it. I just haven’t felt much like writing. Well, actually the last week or so I have had so many ideas rolling around in my head and just have been too lazy to put it into words.

Easter was easter. Didn’t go to church because frankly I did not feel like it. The highlight of the day was the shrimp and bacon omelets David made for breakfast followed by the turkey, ham, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, rolls and homemade cheesecake. Made myself sick eating so much but it tasted so good. David made it all too. Brittany and Chestny came over to drop Logan off and stayed and dined with us as well. Chestny (great niece) looked so adorable in her little Easter dress. She knows my name now and that makes me soooo happy. Simple pleasures in life.

I’m fat. Okay, I said it. I have been walking 4 miles a day now for a month. It must be such a hilarious sight. Big old fat lady walking. I have kiddingly called myself the “SouthSide Fat ass” and would get a shirt made that says that but my husband would not like it. LOL. I started off at 3 miles and got blisters. Next day changed shoes got different blisters in different spots. I did this shoe change until all the places where the blisters grew are now hardened and callused. Why would a 46 year old lady think she can start off at 3 miles? It is a most dreadful thing being a “Boulanger” sometimes. We always think we are better, smarter, quicker, and can do anything at anytime. Nothing holds us back.

I’m up to 4 miles now, no blisters either. The thing about the blisters is they were the least of my problems.
I had to purchase a knee brace for my bad knee. (Dislocated it about 23 years ago.. Never the same) I have been using that for a couple of weeks when now I have noticed that my left ankle has been killing me because it has to compensate for the right knee not doing it’s own work. So, now I strap on the knee brace followed by the newly purchased ankle brace. After bout a week my lower back starts to kill me after a walk and hurts me for the rest of the night. Walmart again.. I went and got a back brace. Yes, you read that right. I’m wearing 3 braces to walk. I feel like I’m old but I still need to walk. I feel better and have a fresher mind when I am done. It’s like I try to control my body. My body say’s “How about we don’t walk today?” and my brain says “Nah, we have to walk so we can be able to keep up with the grandkids someday.” I don’t want to be the little old grandma who sits in her chair and can’t chase the kids. I try to concentrate/focus on the fact I can still walk and be thankful for the pain because I’m still alive. Next thing with this old body is I’ll be using my Dad’s walker along with the braces to exercise. Too, too funny.

My son Colton told me I shouldn’t talk about him on my blog but I can’t help it. I talk about everyone here. This is my forum. We will start with Cody.

Cody got accepted into the OSU graduate pharmacy program and starts in Sept. That means he and Erica will be moving to Corvalis. I will lose my son and Erica, my walking companion. He will do a good job up there as he is smart, dedicated and wants this. It is time for him to head towards his educational goals. Colton is planning to go to Eugene and wants to get a job working for the psychology department doing research for a year and then reapply to the Psychology graduate school again. I hope he is making the right choices. I don’t know anything about what he needs to do to become what he wants to ultimately do. It is tough because up to now I could still lead him. Now he is in unchartered territory.

David earned his Masters degree. MBA to be correct. He is very proud and has worked so hard to get it. I guess I’m the dummy in the house now. Caiti graduated from High School in March and is going to the community college here full time. That leaves me with a lot of free time. You know in my mind when all the kids left I would still have my dad as my constant companion. Now as the kids are untethering themselves from here my heart begins to ache once again for the loss of my Dad. He isn’t here and they won’t be here and I can’t call my sister because she isn’t here anymore. I find myself in the most untenable situations. I cry just knowing the kids are heading out on their own and don’t need me anymore like they used to. I’m nervous to be so far from more of my kids but also understand that they need to experience the world with their own terms. I guess it is time for me to begrudgingly accepting of what is to happen and learn to deal with the aloneness I am heading towards. I knew mentally all the kids would move on eventually but it happened so quickly. Too quickly. Part of me is proud as hell they are all so smart, so able to take care of themselves and take on this world and try to make a difference. Make their mark so to speak. I’m glad I don’t have to start over where they are. It is scary and it is a growth time. Some of the best times of my marriage was when we were first starting out and were poor as church mice. I mean POOR.

I’m going to Portland tomorrow for my monthly trip. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t so far but then I am free when I’m there. It is good to be with my sister, Bonne and my nieces and nephews from Kim.

Orchids, woodpeckers and men with stogies .

2010-02-22T23:12:00.001-08:00

Monday ... Start of a new week.

IT is Monday already. I surprisingly had a great day. I cleaned up the yards, vacuumed the whole house, did every dish then I went outside and took pictures of things my Dad loved. Yep, I was feeling sad a bit. So, camera and new lenses in hand went outside and took pictures of my wild wood pecker, the cement and wood bears my Father loved and purchased.

He also bought this cement thing for the outside wall of a man with big sunglasses on smoking a stogie. I'm going to finally paint the end of the "lit" stogie with red nail polish. He would like that. I felt better taking the pictures so it was good. I took pictures of my remarkable woodpecker and my orchids.

I went to church on Saturday night.

Erica and I went to Parkway Christian Center. The service was not in the main sanctuary but instead in the "Hull center." About 40 people showed up. Very casual, cookies, coffee and really the only thing missing was the man who wears a robe and staff and calls himself Jesus who walks around town preaching. This casualness had a certain appeal to the shorts wearing part of me. I think I could have stood up during the meeting and talked. Not like the regular church services I attended as a child (Mormon) and later as a Christian.

The funny thing was that the asst Pastor came up to introduce himself to us. He shakes our hand (Erica gives him her name.. I did not) and thanked us for coming. I then proceed to tell him we are there to "audition him/the church.") I really did say that out loud. He got this really surprised look on his face, (Shocked at my rudeness/Tourette's syndrome/compulsive disorder) and said "Don't judge us by this sermon; I'm the "B" team." He was being modest.

I got a lot out of his lesson/teaching. The music was weird. It was the songs I have always sang (at the same church years ago) but the younger generation puts their own spin on it. Different melody, same words. It was okay though. The sermon was about Love. Blah, blah Love…Blah, blah. At almost the end of the Sermon when the band is playing the "get up and go home" music he stands back up and says: "There is someone here tonight that needs to know they need to be healed... They have a deep hurt and loss that only God can take away" Then he looks straight at me and says "That is why you came tonight. To have someone acknowledge your sorrow, your grief and your losses". Then he looked straight at me again and sat down. Weird eh? Of course I would like to think he really knew what is going on with me. Like some divine intervention and what not but that would be too conceited. Probably imagined he was talking directly to me anyhow. Guess that is all today.

"The best present is when you make a girl cry"

2010-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

I learned something tonight. You see my sister Kim’s oldest daughter turns 28 tomorrow. I knew I wanted to do something special Christine because she does so much for other people. When I go to Portland for the once a month parties Christine always brings a homemade bracelet that she has made for all of the 5 girls. It is not an ordinary beaded bracelet. It is themed in color and charms. I know that finding the charms and beads that fit each occasion is not an easy task. She pays careful attention to each detail. That is love. My friend, Carol gave me the love of beads and I shared the obsession with Christine. She knows how I appreciate the time and work she puts into each one. Not only does she make a bracelet she usually coordinates the Friday night dinner.

She brings most of the food, most of the snacks (Boulanger’s gotta have the snacks) and spends her whole Friday's with me. She could use her Friday to do so many other more fun things rather than hanging out with me. The fact that she picks me makes me feel really loved and special. What young girl would choose to spend an entire day sitting around, beading, holding hands and just being together with her 46 year old hag of an aunt? Not many girls and I'm overwhelmed that she chooses me.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Yep, Yep, Yep 28 years old. She lost her mom 6 months ago. She has lived with me off and on for years and I would not know her like I do if she hadn’t of come to be with us. She wanted to get to know us on her own terms and we share a very special bond because of that. Bonne is “my person” and Christine is my “2nd person”. Knowing you are second probably isn’t the best thing to be but since it is behind Bonne it is a good place to be. When I'm going crazy I call her no matter what time day or night and she talks me down. She knows me well enough to know what to say to be calm. When Colton and Cody were in a car wreck a few years ago they called me early in the morning and Colton said "This time it's bad Mom" and then said the Police were there and he had to go. OMG A parent shutters at this kind of call. I could not breath. I literally threw on a coat and was white knuckling it so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack on my way to where the accident was. I called Chris. I was so panicked. I told her through tears and hysteria what had been said to me and that the boys were not answering their phones. She calmed me down, stayed on the phone with me and then called the boys to see what the situation was. They answered for her. She called me back. She gets me. She gave me peace when there was no peace in sight. I love her so very much.

Back to the real reason I'm here. I want to talk about her. She and her friend decided to go to Seattle for an adventure to celebrate her 28th birthday. They took the train up to Seattle and got a beautiful hotel room for three nights. They have been planning and looking forwards to this trip for months. I have been excited for her.

Her Dad and I have been thinking long and hard about what to give her this year for her birthday because she can buy anything she wants at any time and to buy her more stuff is just that … more stuff. I asked her dad what he thought about sending her flowers one day and then a fruit basket the next day to her hotel. He reminded me that Christine was fasinated by a edible fruit basket we got at the hospital when my sister was dying. He remembered her saying she wishes she was the “official fruit tester” because every piece of fruit was perfect. WOW. What an idea. Why did I forget that? Alzheimers? I mean, I remember the basket, I remember everyone ate on it for 3 days why didn’t I remember she was enamored with it?She deserves every thought she gets.

Last week I called the company and ordered a big basket for her to have it delivered to her hotel room. I asked her constantly about check in time, arrival of train etc. She had NO clue. She was flabbergasted when she got to her room and this beautiful basket was waiting just for her. She never has had anything delivered to a room like that for her. I am spoiled. When I used to go to San Francisco for gift shows my sister, Bonne would send me a flower bouquet, a bottle of champagne and it was sooo nice. She even sent me a beautiful bouquet when I went to Georgia and Texas as well. She called to thank me and was tearful. When I talked to her Dad about it he said “The best present makes a girl cry” and I love it. She deserves to cry. Good tears, good surprises and many years of love and joy. I love you more Christine.

Yah, you aren't so special. You just ate too much.

2010-02-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

“It must be something more because I’m a Boulanger remember?“

Those are the words uttered to me tonight when my daughter felt sick to her stomach. The worst part is she really now believes all that being a Boulanger belies her. Although, sometimes a belly ache is just a belly ache and sometimes being a Boulanger means if it can go wrong it will. Other time it is bad luck, good luck and no luck. Roll of the dice. Case In point...

We took her to get her wisdom teeth pulled and the dentist informed us that she had only one. ONE wisdom tooth. I’d like to be coy here and say she only has one wisdom tooth because she isn’t very wise etc. The Dentist told us he has never had a case where just ONE wisdom tooth showed up. He has had cases of 2 missing, but never 3 not growing in. She looked at me when he told her that and we shared a knowing glance. She knows what it means to be “special”. She will spend her years hearing how “this is the first time I’ve ever seen this”, “We don’t have a known name for this”, “This is rare, WOW” etc. I used to think it exciting to be so special. To have stuff no one has ever seen before. One time my uvula in my throat swelled up so much in my throat I had to go to urgent care. OF course, they hadn’t ever seen anything like that and that visit was where I realized it isn’t actually a “special” thing more like a “oddity thing.” That was the visit the clinched all the “specialness”

I went to Portland last week. Spent 5 nights. It is amazing how good it feels to be with my sisters family and Bonne. This time Bonne stayed 3 nights with me and we just held hands and visited and it felt good to snuggle up with her at night and talk about our dead sister and Dad. No one can understand how it feels but us. My brother-in-law and nieces and nephews lost their mom (Our sister) but we lost a dad and a quasi Sister/Mom figure. Now when we get together it is less tearful and more remembering. Remembering the good and bad. I have no one to talk about my Dad with. <--Bonne

Bonne tries to understand and she is the only person who loved my Dad like me. I lived with him. I took care of him. I still miss him horribly. I get up easier now, I keep things clean, I try to focus my days better. It doesn’t help that I only have 4 puppies in my nursery. Puppies are what gets me through the rough patches. The new babies are too small to be held much. The Mom’s frown on the laying on the floor with their babies just yet. LOL. I don’t blame them but I live for puppies kisses and puppy breath.

David is trying harder to be less demanding, grouchy and hard to live with. He is really stressed at work and tired. He gets his Masters Degree next month. I will be so damn glad when his schooling is over. It is a terrible thing that he started back to school 3 years ago with the idea that he would get a juicy promotion and then the economy took a dump. I’m thankful he still has a job. His company has “reorganized” twice since he started back to school. So many lay offs and job shuffling. Working 12 hours a day at a job where they suck the life out of you is all there is? So, when he dies can I put on his grave (If I’m still here) “Here lies a man who gave up every daylight hour to work hard for his family?”

Christine and I above.

Maybe the hippies and squatters have it right. I sometimes have fleeting thoughts of selling everything we own and buying a motor home and to just park the motor home somewhere and just be. Not the Walmart parking lot unless that is where we get the most peace. I’m thinking more along the lines of next to a river, creek and my favorite is the Ocean. David thinks I could stand this living in a very confined area for maybe 3 months. I think he has been so busy working and studying I have changed and he hasn’t taken notice yet. I want a simplier life. I would rather spend time with him then sit and wait until he gets home from work so I can stare at the back of his head while he watches Jeopardy and then goes to his computer to start his second job (School). I think I could learn to love less stuff, more time together. I now see how it is possible for two people who live in the same house grow apart. It is easier than it looks.

Maybe just for fun I will motor home shop.?

Nah, I will just get my hopes up. Wondering aloud how many dogs I could take on this life/road trip?? It just occured to me this could be a mid life crisis thing for me. I just want a new life, a do-over. I want more freedom. Not that I have anything I can't do now I just hate the credit cards. Yep, it's the credit cards fault that we spend on them. I hate owing money.

Back to my initial thought of the day. Caiti’s tummy ache. She barfed in the sink. All I can say is thank God it was in the boys bathroom. Then she comes out and says (hang onto your seats) “the sink isn’t draining. I think it is clogged up with spaghetti noodles.” OMG could she have grossed me out more? Something wrong with getting, oh I don’t know a BARF BUCKET? If you know me at all you know I don’t do spit/saliva/gum things. When someone else makes barfing sounds I can’t help it I puke/almost puke every time. She waltzes out and declares she is going to bed and that I should pour some bleach down the un-draining, noodle laden bathroom sink... I admit I use a ton of bleach all of the time. I’m just thinking that even the most powerful bleach I use we could not force Italian sausage and spaghetti noodles down the drain. OMG I have to do something about this. I’m thinking she is 17. Don’t 17 year old girls handle their own barf issues? What age do Mom’s say “No thank you on the barf?”

<-Boulanger "plunger"

I sit in my chair and devise a plan. I look every where for a wire hanger. I found a lowly wire hanger in the recesses of the laundry room and pull it out as straight like a make shift sink snake. I "plunged" the sink the best I could. Plunged being more like pushed the smelly saliva noodles further down the drain. Must remember to put drano on David’s shopping list. With any luck he will not find out because knowing someone barfed and blew chunks in an area where you brush your teeth is a real gross out and I’m afraid it would not end pretty for her. Oh well, it all went further down. Got a half gallon of bleach to go down with no undue chunks holding anything up and with any luck David will be none the wiser. The funny thing is she blames the smell of bleach on making her tummy sick. She hates the smell. When I smell bleach I think CLEAN. 17 and I'm still doing the barf?

Gre, Regrets and what the hell?

2010-02-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I wonder if lack of words means something? Nah, truth be told I have just been everywhere with my emotions and don't want to write only when I'm in a terrible state mentally.

It Depresses the heck out of me to read my prior posts. I'm now having more good days than bad days. I still miss “my(past) people” but realize that my family that is still alive needs me. Not just “ME” but functioning, cleaning, organizing, singing crazy songs “Me” back. Let’s see where to begin.

Dogs, we will start with the dogs. I have the cutest most precious little babies right now. I sit on the floor and play with them for hours. For anyone who doubts the power of a dogs love can ask me all about it. Dogs really love unconditionally and sometimes you need them in your lap, licking your ear, kissing your face, nibbling on your nose and then curling up in a little ball and lay their heads next to yours under the covers. Better than sex almost. So enduring, nothing expected back… just LOVE> Unearned, unmerited Love.

Now onto the kids. Chase passed another Microsoft test and has only one more to go before he is done for three years. No more computer software tests. Must feel nice when he keeps getting raises and such a feeling of accomplishment for him. I talked to Mory and the wedding is still being planned for July. WOW. My first son is going to be getting married this year. I know she wants babies quickly too. I feel two ways about that. Actually, I only feel one way about that I HATE that they live in Santa Barbara and will probably not find as good a job here in Oregon and might have their babies down there and without me. I want to be there for everything with the babies.

I want to experience what it feels like to be a new grandma. Not the once or twice a year grandma. /. I want to baby sit, I want to change stinky ass diapers. I want to go shopping, hold hands in the parking lot, take to the library and hopefylly instill the love of reading, read books together, walk to school, do home work together, coach them in their sports programs. From here I cannot do that. Everyone who knows anyone needs to think if they know someone looking to hire a computer network engineer. That is what Chase is and he would move back home if he can make a living.

Cody went to Corvallis for his pharmacy school interview. He thinks he is a shoe in. Most of the other applicants were Asian women. WHY? Cuz OSU gets 3-4 X the regular in state tuition's. Smart business wise. Get the students who pay the most. He feels very confidant that he is going to be accepted into the Masters Program and that he and Erica are headed up there in the Fall. I'm proud of him but wish he was more humble just in case he doesn't get in. I raised them to be brilliant, kind, Loving and I guess I forgot humble. Yep, I forgot that. Pharmacists tend to be arrogant so he will fit right in. Too smart for his own britches. My kids are A+++ My Kids are better than yours and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Who is arrogant now?

Colton applied to the PhD program at Uof O and didn't get called/emailed for an interview. 400 applicants-2 slots. I cried the first day I found out. I know that is not a very supportive thing for me to do. It is just that he is the youngest son who works hard at doing everything right. 3.96 VP of psychology club. Volunteered at the Middle school for “At risk” youth. Sculpted his whole education the past two years to so closely match what the schools research and area’s of interest lie. This kid works harder than both of his brothers and he is the one that has to wait. He thinks he needs more ‘research’ time to be considered for next years pool of applicants. He has a big plan, he thinks it all out. Budgets his money, plans for car insurance, food, etc. He is going to move up to Eugene and get a job and do research for the professors if he can. He knows what he is doing.

Why can't I accept that. My son is top 1%. How could the acceptance committee overlooked him? He is going to be successful regardless of what I do. I would be willing to move to Eugene and work for free if they would let him in the program. Crazy huh? I believe in all of my kids and find it astonishing that any group can't see it. Did he brag enough in his letter? He is after all just 19 and graduating with a Bachelor’s. Wasn't that sufficient proof of his dedication? Not just graduating, graduating with honors. 3.96 and not easy classes either. His GRE scores were through the roof. How can they overlook his score? He bought books 2 years before he knew he had to take the test and studied every single night. Made flash cards and diligently worked them. This kid put in the time…. Now he has to wait. Pisses me off really. He wants/needs me to back off and all I can do is research what he can do to prepare for next years application. Maybe he should have bragged instead of being so humble all of the time. HE JUST TURNED 19 AND IS GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE....

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I should butt out. Jeez, did I just type that? Yes, I will butt out. I don't know enough about what the schools need the applicants to have. I just know what my kids have and that is integrity, tenacity, desire and brains. We will sit back now and watch what they do. Moms need to learn to butt out.

Then the thought occurred to me. (Okay, it didn't actually occur to me at all. My sister called to share her thoughts with me) While I'm busy trying to fix this God has a different plan altogether and no amount of research on my part will change the outcome. . Maybe while I'm being disappointed God has something else in mind for him and I'm getting in His way. I suppose it makes sense. Still, I go crazy looking over the entire Internet trying to find out more information.

Colton has accepted the idea of waiting another year to reapply to grad school. Why am I freaked out? Should he get his Master’s while he waits? Will that hurt him because the school’s program includes a Masters degree on his way to PhD? Is there a Momthers anonymous in a area close by? I want my kids to have it better than me. It is more than “want,” actually, it is a serious need. I need my kids to have it better than I do.

Colton, my handsome son with his best girl, Jaclyn

Colton’s girlfriend, Jaclyn will be attending the college he will eventually attend. They both plans and goals and I'm impressed with their tenacity. She is a lovely young woman who I'm beginning to know. Her parents should be very proud of the job they have done with her. She is respectful, follows all the rules and is honorable.

My biggest personal regret is not finishing college. I should have been a Doctor right now. (Not a pretend Doctor like I play in my own mind.) Then if I spend any time cracking it all down, I would not have met my husband, had the same kids and my life wouldn't be what it is. I wouldn't trade a day without one of my kids. I do know that these kids are gifts from God to me. I take the stewardship of them very seriously. I know that some day I have to answer to God on how I raised them. Frankly, that scares the hell out of me. What did I do with what He gave me?

Caiti graduates from High School the beginning of March. She will continue at the local college here. She likes the community college aspect of being local. I hope she takes a drama class, she is so good at acting, memorizing and has zero fear on the stage. This Fall I will almost be alone. Just David and I. Caiti part time and I'm scared to death. I hate to hear the boys talking about budgets, moving away etc. It feels like a stab in my heart. I'm going to miss them something fierce. My whole life is in them. I think that the emptying nest syndrome should be talked about more than it is because as the kids leave part of your heart leaves too. The dogs will help me. They always do.

Gigi, my Father's dog.

This house is too big for just us when they leave. I want a smaller house. Same amount of land but less house. Much less house. I say that and then realize that if I don't have enough beds the kids won't come visit because let’s face it no floor is comfortable no matter where you are.

Guess typing this has cleared my mind a bit. I really do need to stop obsessing about this and that I actually need to allow the kids to make their own ways and that having big, bad Mommy is not always a good thing. Damn, I hate growing up.

Bust a cap in his knee and move along little pervert.

2010-01-07T23:52:00.001-08:00

Left to right. Cody, my son, Kenny my nephew (Kim's son) and then Colton my son. My own version of the Jonas brothers only cuter and so much smarter.

Well it is nearly midnight here. I'm not one bit tired. Sitting around all day relaxing is easy work. I'm actually relaxing. There are half hours that go by without my incessant need to be keeping my hands busy. I have Piper here with me in Portland again. It is nice to bring a snuggle buddy. Makes not having 1o dogs on me while away more bearable. Christine drove all the way to OC to drive me to Mike's eye appt. Kyle met us at the eye center and we had a small entourage in attendance. My kids seem to be doing well in my absence. I would think they would miss me but alas not so. Guess they are growing up and need me less and less.

The anti depressants are working can you tell? Hardly any tears and I am looking forward to waking up each day. (Maybe not the part where my little sister, Bonne phones me every single morning and then asks after she has called me 5 times within a minute if she woke me up? LOL) I cried a few tears today when I was thinking about how important it is to me to have my kids and Kim's kids stick close to each other as a family and as "Our" family. Kim is not here to do that so I feel it is somehow on me. If I die and my kids and Kim's kids don't stay in touch and make the effort to love one another I will have felt like my life was in vain. When my Mom died we all didn't speak for 11 years. The worst 11 years of my life. We were still connected by some unusual connection though. I want so much better for our kids.

Love is such an easy thing to take for granted.

*********************************************************************************
People suck sometimes. I was looking for a childhood friend and ended up in all the drama and my friend is dead. Life does suck.

Aren't you glad I'm really not in the Mafia? Bust a cap? I crack myself up. How do I get out of this mess? I want less drama and more loving. I tried to think of what advice my Dad would give me. That's where I came up with bust a cap. I wonder if I could ever really do it.

Just couldn't resist this one.

I think this is funny.

2010-01-01T09:24:00.001-08:00

Thought for this morning...

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Southside Rd,Grants Pass,United States

Happy Stinkin' New Years!!

2010-01-01T02:23:00.001-08:00

I had a really great night. I mean it. A fantastic evening. We had a party and it was genuinely fun. We all sang, played "Settler's of Catan" and ate great food. Everyone stayed until after 1:00.
I haven't laughed in months and my blogs have been so dreary. It felt so great to have my soul lifted tonight I pledge this year to myself to open my heart and let go of some grief. I can't keep going without looking ahead. Good things are to be for me and the kids this year. I'm praying that Colton and Cody get admitted to the graduate schools that they really want to go to.
My kitchen is clean, dishes are all done and all messes are clean. Now our next party is tomorrow. Rose Bowl party. I'm not about sports except to listen and kind of watch just enough to feign interest. Ducks are huge in the family. Duck eveything. My puppies should have pictures on sweatshirts and t shirts cuz they are cuter than the duck. Lol.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Grays Creek Rd,Williams,United States

The craziest thing.

2009-12-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

TODAY my son, Colton's girlfriend told him that she had read my blogs. I know that these blogs are public but it kind of feels "stalker-ish" Now, I'm not being a hypocrite, I would do the same thing if she had one. (She doesn't) Then I hear that her parents (Dad to be precise) reads my blog too. Then I started to feel subconscious and thought maybe since someone I actually know is reading my stuff. I began to read my past submissions. OMG I cried so hard. Just reading what I had written brought those same damn tears up and I sat in a room full of people playing games and let the tears flow. I guess I'm doing better than I thought. Re reading brought me right back to the fresh pain again. I won't be going back again and re read anything.

I'm looking forwards. I'm keeping my eye on the prize of a new year.

Caiti graduates from Hidden Valley in March and she will still be going to college part time until then. Colton and Cody graduate from Southern Oregon University in June. Both of the boys are heading to graduate school we just don't know which ones yet. David will have his Masters Degree in Business Administration and I have no degrees. I'm just the uneducated, dog loving Momther. (I spelled this right when the kids (Colton) was growing up he took great pride in calling me by my first name Heather. I told him it was disrespectful so we settled on Momther. Now all the kids call me that, girlfriends etc. I suppose it is better than Hobag or something else of equal meaness. LOL

I have read so many dog books, veterinarian guides, puppy raising, puppy nutritional elements. I think I'm a doctor. NO, I dont' belong in a mental word just yet. It is that I have been to the vet for so many years and so many times per year that I feel like I"m getting down to the been there done that philosophy.

Erica White, my niece (deceased sisters daughter) has come down for a visit with us. Cody and Erica are staying and we sang karaoke for hours and then took turns playing Wii Fit.

There are some serious plans coming ahead in my life. BIg things. Scary things. I believe i"m a Boulanger and I can do anything. The having someone else tell me what to do might be scatchy as I've been in the boss in every job and the think is I can't bear to move somewhere that I would have to choose which dogs to keep and which dogs to rehome. These animals have kept me sane. Still functioning. My reputation stands for something. I can't even begin to imagine how to decide such a bid deal. It is late tonight and I don't have anything spectacular going on except my Love for my dogs. I have had most from birth and of course we pond. They are a mans best friend,,

2009-12-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

2010 will be a better year.

December 25th, 2009

Christmas morning/afternoon 2009

I’m trying to be happy this year. It’s not like I’m crying every minute every day any more. I just tear up a couple of times a day. Like when I go to the grocery store and pass the head cheese, or pork rinds, gallo salami, Umpqua Chocolate milk, wonder bread, all the things my dad loved. I have found that going to the grocery store is very over rated and it is a good thing David does all the shopping. Food is a huge thing to a Boulanger. HUGE… Most of my memories with my family centered on everyone bringing food/junk etc and snacking while we did everything. At the end of my Dad’s life food was all he had left. Sadly at the very end he was hungry for nothing.

My sisters kids are hurting real bad this year too. This is the first Christmas without their Mom. They call me to share their tears and it hurts me all over again. Her death was so senseless. She didn’t have her cpap machine on at the hospital and died. That is right, she went in the day before and had a minor procedure done. I talked with her at 11:30 the night before. Next morning no more talking.. EVER.

I didn’t get to tell her I loved her more than words. I mean we talked about loving each other because we did so fiercely. I just wished when we hung up that night instead of being “Heather the fixer of all things relating to hospital” and telling her I would get pain medicine immediately (The nurses weren’t answering her calls of help) and would hang up and immediately call her nurses station. (That’s how we rolled. She went in and I micromanaged her care wherever I was by phone. )

Could of, would of, should ofs. Those are killing me. Things I wished I said more. I really don’t have regrets perse’` when it comes to my sister or dad. They both knew I loved them so much. Just wished … Just wish…

The Holidays will never be the same. Never the same. I plan to be in a better place emotionally and physically by next year. Everything is gonna be different. (Fingers crossed)
This year I’m going to want to start fresh.
My youngest son had a medical scare earlier this week. Thank God it is nothing. I cried for 3 days straight. Not screaming bawling, just uncontrollable tears. I can’ stand to having anything major again for a while. So, I’m asking God to please give me a little break. Nothing major this year except for what I’ve planned. Hoping for a healthy New Year and a year of possibilities.

I have been thinking about something a friend sent me and the final statement she said was:
“Just remember this… How we survive, is what makes us who we are. “
If I think about that long and hard I have to concur. I know that I am suffering nothing compared to what others have to endure. This year I will try to look at the bright side of life. I will try to climb my way out of this loathing self pity and be the person I am meant to be. Lofty goal I know, but if I don’t pull myself out I will cease to be useful to my family and my sister’s family.

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Its Monday. I could care less

December 8th, 2009

I’m currently sitting in my car waiting for Caitlin to do her final for math at the college. Did I mention it is freezing cold? I’m serious. I would go into the bldg where her class is but I’m in my pajama’s and have fire cracker socks on with sandals. Even this outfit would scare me. People wouldn’t care that I hand knitted these bright red, orange, and yellow socks. I wear them proudly (at home).

I have been feeling so screwed lately. I’m sad and still burst out in tears at the most in-opportune times. I was coaxed into seeing a doctor. Guess what? Anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I am still depressed though. I wonder how I’m supposed to be feeling now? those pills are not miracle pills dammit.

Where is the mourners handbook? Why does no one else understand this/me? The Mister even asked me “if I’m ever going to get over this?” as if I some how know? I wish I didn’t have to cry in my pillow every night alone. Why doesn’t anyone here feel my pain? Didn’t they love my Dad? Am I ever going to get over this?

Was my dads premonition (about me needing a shotgun for the home intruder) just the ramblings of an oxygen depraved man? I can hardly sleep upstairs for the whole night. I feel like I have to sleep on the couch so I can see all the main doors. I’m not exactly paranoid, well never mind maybe I am. I have been spending most if my days in the nursery. Laying on the floor loving all the babies. That sound pathetic I know but right now being with them dulls some of the pain.

Got to restart the car. Fingers are starting to stick to the keyboard as it is freaking freezing here. Yes, I know Christmas is right around the corner and I have purchased nothing. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want to. I’m told that I have to “fake it, til I make it” I don’t feel like even pretending. I’m still mad at God and empty with disbelief. Don’t worry Heather Boulanger-Christian always makes it.

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So, thanksgiving has come and gone? Big deal

November 29th, 2009

Okay. IT has been a long time since I have written anything.

To be truthful I have been in a mire of depression and it has been so very hard to pull myself out of this hell. I feel like if there is such a thing as hell I have been in and around it. The grief at times makes me feel hollow. I still put one foot in front of the other, and go about my business. My desire to leave the house has totally diminished. I have always been a hermit. Now it is worse. I only go out to see customers and then my monthly trip to Portland to be with my sisters husband and kids. Once I arrive there, I put my pajama’s on and stay in the house.

It is not like I’m afraid to go out or I get sweaty palms or anything like that. Just NO desire. I rotate my pajama’s pretty good and no one has pointed out the fact I live in them all the time now. It doesn’t bother me when the nieces come over and I’m in my pajama’s. They don’t mention it so I’m either so demented people are afraid to say something to me or I’m doing okay and my pajama’s are just one step up from my usual apparel, shorts, a t-shirt and cowboy boots. Yes, I’m not much of a dresser on a good day. Lol I just don’t give a shit what I’m wearing. I’m clean, my pajama’s are changed and I’m good that way. I don’t want any emails from therapist or mental health counselors either. Not looking for opinions here. Just spouting what is going on here.

It is past Thanksgiving and I have not purchased a single gift. Nothing Nada. Well, I did send David out to get a used Queen mattress so when Kenny and Jeana come down I have a bed for them. I’m going to let them stay in my dad’s old room. I have only opened that door about 8 time since he died in August. Yep, Yep, Yep. Being me is… I don’t have a choice about being me. I wish I could be anyone else but they I see how some others are and makes me feel happy for my little meager existence. I’m thankful for a family that still loves me. I’m thankful to be in a warm house. I’m so thankful for my dogs. That is all for now.

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I did it. It hurt terrible but i did it.

November 7th, 2009

My sister, Kim always picked the person who gets the free puppy of the month. My dad died in July no puppy picked. My sister died in August no puppy picked. September and October came no free puppy picks. November (yesterday) I picked four people. I wish I could say I carefully and prayerfully picked four people. I didn’t. I picked 4 people at random and voilà they get new puppies.

I had kind of a sad day today. Went to breakfast with Colton and talked about when he is planning to move and go to graduate school. “Next September” he replied. I started to cry. No sounds, just quiet tears. Salty tears streaming down my cheeks lie I was about to suffer another great loss. I am, and it cut me so deep. The realization that all the kids will leave and I will be the lady left carrying the bag. The dog lady.

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November and the Holidays are rushing forwards.

November 4th, 2009

Usually I am a Holiday lover. I love the feel in the air when you shop. Christmas music bellows out from every store, most people are chipper and people say “Merry Christmas” and those trying to be politically correct say “Happy Holidays” Whatever you say you get that feeling in your heart that reminds you of the important things in your life…. your family usually. This year I don’t know how I’m going to get through them. I mean it. I’m way past getting excited over the new electric knife the kids think “I must have,” the presents from friends and the baking. Okay, I lied. I don’t bake. I have someone do my baking. Okay, I lied again. The Mister.

This button was made for me.... Trust me, I'm a Doctor.

My husband does the baking and he is a awesome cook. The best in fact. This year we have only two kids left at home so he thought he might try “spicing” it up and try new recipes. Well, he made fudge from a Paula Dean recipe book and it has velveeta cheese in it. Yeah, I tried it anyway. Not so much. I told him, “Spice” up anything but the fudge. I love me the chocolate minus the cheese please. He didn’t reply so maybe he thinks I’m unthankful. I really am actually. He has done all the baking our whole married life. I went through a whole summer one year making and baking every recipe out of Mrs Fields cookies book. I made triple batches of everything. Lots of cookies. I decided maybe I could bake for a living. Isn’t that the funnest thing I have ever said out loud. Me baking. Well, the cookies were scrumptious let me tell you. Probably packed on ten pounds that summer. My niece Christine looked forward to each days production. Okay, so I’ve veered off where I was going. Maybe because if I write it down here and I force myself to see what I think I will be scared shitless.

This year I have no Father. I have no sister to whom I consider wiser and no one else appreciates the depth of my sorrow. David’s folks are alive. They live in the same town as we do. We see them about 4 times a year. 3 times accidentally or when we go to their house to pick up their garbage and take it to the dump and then of course Christmas. Yep, we all get together once a year and pretend to know one another. You know, my family we are real. We get mad, we get real mad, we say shit then the next day we are over it and begin anew. That is how I think all families are. In reality there are more families that don’t ever talk about “real” stuff except the prices of groceries, the tea in China and the weather. What is it with the weather anyway? Who gives a shit? I mean really, we all get together and the best we can do is talk about the weather? I have so much better things to do with my time. Pssh. Weather. Waste of daylight. Waste of air. Waste of a good pair of cowboy boots too.

Okay, now. I am going to have to get through this season of Holidays without my most important peeps. If I don’t get through this year I can’t make it to next year now can I? I have truthfully considered suicide on bad days. I would never have the courage to actually do it because quite frankly I don’t like pain, I hate the heat and in hell it is hot and I could never leave my kids and sister Bonne. I live for them. I thought about going to see a doctor about what ails me. Let’s see, my knee hurts super bad with the “weather” changing. (Hey, I thought up the Christmas meal topic right here.) I think I have a shin splint, I can’t sleep, I have terrible insomnia, I have no energy and feel fat. Well, I more than feel fat, I am fat. So the conversation would go like this.

Me: ” Hello doctor with whom I’ve never known because I’m healthy as a horse and thought no need to build any sort of relationship with cuz I am healthy as a horse. A horse I tell you.. Except now. Now I’m sick as a dog.) I’m depressed, can’t sleep, can’t muster up any energy, feel like being grouchy and my knee is really killing me. So, since I begrudgingly came in, here is the list of what I need. (This is where I will explain to the doctor that I do indeed play a doctor on TV)

Me:” Do you have a pad and paper handy Doctor?” Okay, I need Prozac, xanax, flexerill, ambien, and while you are writing up scripts for those, go ahead and send me to the lab and have them draw my blood. My husband is convinced he is healthier than me so we play this blood game every year where we see who has higher cholesterol, blood pressure and triglycerides. He takes medicine for all that and I don’t because well I’m healthy. I guess he figures since I’m fat I must be more unhealthy than him. This little test he likes costs me about $125.00 a year but it makes me look good. Worth the price I’d say.”

Doctor (Stunned just staring at me) ” You would like me to just write all this down and just give it to you Mrs. Christian?”

Me: “Yah, that would certainly get me out of here fast, right before I need another cup of coffee.”

Doctor: “So, where did you say you went to med school?”

Me (Long pause) :” I read books.. All doctor books. I also read every veterinarian book that has been printed. I have read and reread them. I like to stay in the know. Know what I mean>?”

Doctor:” Um… mental health is two streets up.” Ha hahahaha I don’t reckon she would just give me what I want. Something about medical degrees etc.

I take a fistful of vitamins every night. I eat horrible all day. I try to sit down between one and two in the afternoon and eat some lunch meat with cheddar cheese and crackers. I do this every single day. Takes out the guess work. Today the dogs ate a whole pound of Roast beef. Sneaks. So, I’ll be stuck with turkey and gallo salami until shopping day. I also don’t do any grocery shopping. The mister works at the grocery store. He knows what is a good deal and what isn’t a good deal. When I go shopping I buy what I want to eat right now. I also buy a lot of stuff we won’t eat. You know all the girls in my family have this candy issue. Some are sicker over candy than others but we all like to have a lot of candy around. I like to have A LOT. If there is all kinds I don’t eat it. NO need. But if there is NO candy I start looking around to see if the Mister has regular chocolate chips and not that terrible semi sweet shit. Today I ate a pudding. Shot a squirt of whipped cream on it and well.. it still tasted terrible. No need for Calcium tonight. Pudding and whipped cream have milk in them don’t they?

I made sweet and sour chicken with rice for dinner. I have made dinner two nights in a row. I must be becoming some sort of domestic Goddess. Isnt’ that so hilarious? I also cleaned and swept the barn, reorganized dogs, clipped toe nails, did booster shots, trimmed behinds, and sat and just accepted their unconditional love. There really is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Um… I guess I forgot what I sat down to write about…. The Holidays. Guess I’m talking about everything else to keep my mind off of “it”. We will save that for another day.

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Halloween 2009

October 31st, 2009

Happy Stinkin' Halloween.

I didn’t really want to to see Rocky Horror Picture Show with the peeps. It quite frankly sounded dumb. I agreed to go way back in June. Cait and David go every year now. This was their third time. It was very, very entertaining. I smiled and laughed out loud. It is hecka crazy, people who are clearly senior citizens and those that are haggy, saggy and baggy were all dressed in drag. Some wore bra’s and slips. Wild show. The whole thing took them a lot of preparation and it showed. I’m so thankful I went.

I’m tired. I’m still not sleeping which you already know by the fact it is two oclock in ther freaking morning and I’m downstairs once again. Went upstairs to sleep, got all set and tried to fall asleep when my dogs started going wild. Colton is pacing up and down the driveway sharing “special” time with his girlfriend. It’s like the dogs see him every day all day long. But, the dogs are barking. I think partially because normal people to walk in the cold at two in the morning. I think they are barking and it is their way of laughing.

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On the road again? Nope gonna learn to deal “with it”

October 28th, 2009

I’m still alive believe it or not. I have survived 3 months without my dad and 2 months without my sister., I’m not going to lie it has been terrible. I miss my dad more than I can write about here. No words have been produced to accurately articulate what is missing in my heart and life. I have stayed VERY busy in my daily life.

I spent 3 days in Sacramento and have been to Portland twice. Driving is where I have discovered I can really think. No distractions, no music just me and my own mind. I realize when I’m gone or not home the pain is not as acute. We own this house so I don’t see us going anywhere soon. I have to learn to deal with myself and my own grief. When I went to Portland to deliver dogs and be with my sisters kids I brought Serina along. It is critically important to me to keep the people left standing together. Our numbers are dwindling as a family. We had a great time.

Serina, Erica and Bonne shopped all day everyday and I stayed at the house with Mike (Kim’s hubby) and lounged around in my nightgown and did cross stitch. I have also learned that focusing on small tasks and lots of them helps defray my grief as well. Mike is sick. He has kidney stones and is too sick in bed to sit up. He is taking the pain pills and is “out of it” most of the trip there. I have never had one…knock on wood but if his pain is an indication it isn’t pretty. When I got home my dogs were so excited. My kids meh, my dogs were doing what they always do. Cheering me up, kissing me, trying to crawl under my skin, giving me the welcome home I’ve come to expect and love. No new babies this week. Everyone is good.

I’m going to try and sleep in my own room (like a big girl). I’ve only slept upstairs twice since my dad died. I had previously slept downstairs on my chair or the couch so I could hear my dad. Now, it is a mental thing. I know it is but it is sooo hard to stay upstairs. I know he is dead but I feel closer to him when I’m downstairs. I haven’t gone out with friends in a long time. I am hermit-esque and prefer it that way right now. I try to avoid any situations where people are going to ask me “how am I doing?” and of course the “I am so sorry for your loss”. I’m sure people are sorry for me. I’m pretty pathetic right now. Staying home and staying busy is what I need to do. I miss my friends but not enough to leave the house just yet. This pain is so deep in my soul. When I consciously think about my Dad and I never talking again it burns me. It feare singed. I know I’m not the only person who has suffered 2 deaths in one month but for me this is not make believe. Memory of my dad.. When I was about 13 my Dad, my brother Tommy and the older guy I was in love with (Richard Lee) drove to Oregon from Cali to scope out a place to live. Well we stopped in the redwoods and my dad made “dinner.” To my Dad dinner is 2 pieces of ham slapped into two pieces of wonder bread. Well this night he decided to bring out the ever faithful coleman stove and made a can or two of baked beans. I told my dad I don’t eat beans and he smacked me on the head with the bean spoon and some of the beans got in my hair. I was so humiliated, Richard saw it. I still don’t eat beans except snow peas and green beans. Garbanzo, black eyed peas, kidney, Navy etc. Not so much. Another memory was when we found a bldg in Medford to open up my dad’s used furniture store my sister and I would sleep on the bunk beds in the shop. We didn’t rent anything because my Dad and Mom wanted to try it out first. We would sit on the back cemented area and “shower” with the hose in our bathing suits. On Saturday night my Dad would rent a motel room so we could take a real shower and we could eat at Kings’ Table. Of course Saturday night cuz dad didn’t want dirty girls at church. LOL

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I am still alive. Keep the prayers coming please.

October 26th, 2009

I’m in Portland Oregon. Came Thursday night as my brother in law was going to the hospital in severe pain. Turns out it is kidney stones and the doctor said they are comparable to giving birth. You know, i’m wondering about that. He was a man and thus nary a baby has come from a womb how does he say such a thing? I have seen Mike in pain for 4 full days now. Serina came with me and my sister, Bonne spent two nights with me. It is so nice to be with the peeps. We are all we have left so we have to keep together. Christine made between fall bracelets for all the girls. I bought ladybug’s made out of Swarvoski crystals for everyone. Serina’s offering was plucking eyebrows and man hair on all of us. Too funny. Mike is tolerating us by being doped out of his mind. I don’t know about the birthing comment but it looks pretty darn close. I’m going home tomorrow. Hopefully he will pass this one today.

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I am a little better.

October 22nd, 2009

Well. What can I say really? Every day I am still so sad. I miss my Dad/best friend and companion. You know how people use the word “fierce” for nothing? I miss my Dad something fierce. I am having a really hard time pulling myself up this time. I’m usually so resilient but nay. The person (Kim my oldest sister) “my person” that I would call and cry to and look to for advice and coping skills died too. I have one sister and one brother left. I know I should be greatful for still having them and I am. It’s just different when almost all your past is gone. Staying home all day every day is my little secret. Um I’m a real life hermit except for on weekends when I deliver dogs. I stay home and just change from one pair of pajamas to the next sans shower. I’m so unsophisticated.
Everyday I have to really fight the urge to pack up and leave. Never turn back. Only one problem with that. My head has to go along. When people say to me “I’m so sorry for your loss” I appreciate it but think we should find a new word that really hits what I am feeling. More like screwed and their are no people for me to tell.
Dogs, dogs, puppies they are the reason I’m still alive. I’m afraid without the steady loving of my dogs I would be…. Let’s not think about it.

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Lovely cops in Oregon.

October 15th, 2009

Now a good start to for a good day.

RIP Kim Alyce Boulanger-White

2009-09-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

Beloved Daughter, Sister, Friend, Wife and Mother.

Kim Alyce Boulanger-White

July 12,1959-August 24,2009

Holy Crap. I am so devastated deep in my soul. Deep places in my very solar plexes in spots where I didn’t know I could hurt. I think I know, actually am more acutely aware of what it feels like to have your heart being ripped from your chest. An ache I have never felt. Like part of me is being shredded apart.

My oldest sister (and Mom figure) died on August 24th. Yes. If you are keeping up with these things 2 major relatives in 5 weeks. I am still so deeply mourning my Father. I miss him so much. Sitting here typing about him makes me tear up. I have realized something. My children have maybe seen me cry 2-4 times in their whole lives. I’m not a crier…. I wasn’t until now. My tears are always sitting on the rim of my eyes. I cry for no real reason. I think of something I want to tell my Dad and each time the memories flood right in. Like every time I have to relive the fact that he isn't in my house, on my land and I can't crawl up on his bed and just sit and hold his hand and talk about the stupid parts of my day. He always wanted me to tell him about the puppies and the Mom's. Tears are everywhere. I feel like since my Father and sister died I’m a walking zombie. I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate.

My sister, Kim, Kenny (the groom) and Michael my brother-in-law

Kimmie dancing with Kenny. She was so proud this day.

I’m so alone. No one left who understands what being a Boulanger is. Boulanger is not simply a name. It is a way of life. It is a doing word. Boulanger’s always show up. Boulanger’s always come together during any crisis no matter how much we might be mad at each other. For all intensive purposes “Boulanger” is a verb. I tried talking to my youngest sister, Bonne about our heritage. She was too young. Boulanger means nothing to her. I don’t think it is something you can make another person appreciate or understand. I can tell her what it means to me but she won’t feel it in her core like I do. It seems like when I try to convey to the kids about my Mom there is this mist in front of their eyes. You can read about someone but unless you hear their laugh, or hear them talk you are missing the essence of the person.

I wonder if this is how it is supposed to feel when you are really old (not young like me of course) and everyone you love dies before you?? My sister just turned 50. That is young. Really young. Her big thing was that she out lived our Mother (died at 45) and she made it to the age of 50. Her second wish was that she could dance at her son’s wedding which she did. July 25th she danced. She danced with her son and she danced with her husband.

You know, I’m having a serious crisis of faith. I wonder why God would allow this to happen.?? Then I think about people who lose their whole family in fires or car accidents and I understand that is worse for sure. My beef is the amount of family I am actually left with. Not much. There are 4 Boulanger kids left. No Mom, no dad and No big sister. The older sister I’m left with, now that Kimmie is not here, has no morals and we don’t speak. Not every family is perfect I know. I’m certainly NOT perfect but I do like to live my life as if “I’m better than that” philosophy. My brother, Tommy lives in Renton, Washington and has 3 kids and 3 grandkids. We don’t get to see each other often enough.
You know the 8 nights I spent in the hospital’s parking garage left me A LOT of time to think. No Internet and no computer left me with nothing else to do but think about stuff before my 4 Tylenol Pm’s would kick in. I’m sad. I’m sad that my Mom didn’t get to see any of my kids, I’m sad when people have a Mother and chose not to be involved with her. My sister’s passing has taught me that I always need to end every conversation with people I care about to say “I love you” before hanging up.

I was Kim’s last phone call. Happened the night before her heart attack. She phoned me at 11:40 ish. She phoned me because she was frustrated that the nurses “had not given her anything for her pain” and she was greatly distressed and in agony. My final words to her were “What room are you in? I’ll take care of it.” She then told me the nurse was there and she would call me in the morning when she woke up. I didn’t tell her I loved her, not because I didn’t. I just assumed this hospitalization would be like all the others. She goes into the hospital they pump her with antibiotics and she goes home until MRSA gets her again. I know that regrets don’t fix things. But my regret hopefully will be turned into an action. Never finish a call without saying “I love you more.”

If you know me you know I’ve been dreaming of my tattoo. The one I can’t get and stay married with.. I have decided I don’t want it to say “Love never fails” because it does all of the time. Instead… I want my tattoo to say simply “I remember.”

Kimmie with her best friends, Ziggy and Harley

Rest in Peace Kimmie. I remember...

Now you know why I've been so quiet. My sister has died.

2009-09-01T16:04:00.001-07:00

http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?n=kim-a-white&pid=132070823

Where are my angels?

2009-08-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

Where are my angels?

I’m not asking this to be an ass or a pain or in vain? I mean it with all my heart. Don’t we all grow up thinking that we have a guardian angel hovering just above us making sure things are going the way they are supposed to? I grew up and really believed that I was going to lead a charmed life because well… I had angels. They loved me; they watched over me and protected me.
I realize now that my angels must be on an extended vacation or that I have been such a bad person they left me because NO ONE is watching over me. NO ONE. I'm all alone now. Oh, Heather, that is blasphemy right? I don’t care. I’m having a crisis of faith. My Dad died.. (Yes, we all know that. I’m not talking about that, just mentioning it has been little more than a month.) I’m asking you, where are my angels?

I have been given more that I can bare. MORE than I can bare, get it I'm Not Job from the bible. I don’t know how I can be more broken. I’m literally breaking down. It is hard to lift my eyes they are so tired let alone to walk and accept this proudly. I have spent 4 days now sleeping in my car in the hospital's parking lot. Tonight I’m “styling.” I’m staying in a van versus my little Hyundai. I'm planning on taking enough sleeping pills where I can sleep with my body in the car and my legs sticking out. Gets to a point of exhaustion where it doesn’t matter. It’s all good. I Can’t leave my sister and sleep some where farther away. What if she wakes up? I want to be the second face she sees so if that means I sleep in the parking lot and wash my hair in the labor and delivery bathroom that is what I’ll do. I roll that way. All for family. The Boulanger way.

I have tried hard to be brave for my nieces and nephew. I have tried to be “stoic” and not cry. Think positively everyone. We can do this. I do however recognize this is the hospital where my most beloved sister lays. I’m an orphan and have had my oldest sister, Kim act as a “Mom” figure for me. Let me explain something I don’t really fully understand myself. When I’m scared, stressed, freaked or confused all it takes is for me to hear Kim's voice on the other phone and whatever I have been holding in comes barreling out. Just the sound of her voice on the phone saying “Heddi, what is going on?” comforts me. She is my person. The person you don't decide to be the person. They are the safe place. You hear their voice and know you can surrender all that is in your heart. She will know instinctively/intuitively that stuff is going on and always phones me when I need her the most.

She had cancer some 5 odd years ago. My Double radical mastectomy sister, Kim. She has been so sick since then. Not from a reoccurrence of cancer but infections followed by infections. She complains incessantly about how she hates taking the chemo pills everyday because they make her feel like she has the flu but she has dutifully taken them so she could stay cancer free. Infection free… not so much. We just had a surprise 50th birthday in July for her. Oh man, she had so many fans there at her party. She got more loot than a 50 year old woman should get. LoL. My sister is the corner stone of our whole family. She keeps things rolling along.

What do you do when the cornerstone of your house collapses? You crumble to your knees? You fall down and don’t get up? Why can’t I be that selfish? Let go and leave it to others? Why do I have to always be the grown up? I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream and never stop… WHY>????

She switched chemo pills recently and started feeling better. What did she do when she was finally feeling better? She came down and spent a week with me. She chose to come down and be with me the minute she felt better. I am so blessed to have her in my life. She is my sister, my mother and my friend. She always allies with me, always has my back and is a believer in our most sacred Boulanger heritage. We are a dying breed and we love to talk about what being a Boulanger means to us.

She is the person who holds me together when my husband can’t. When it takes a woman’s hand, someone to kick my butt when I need it. (She would never say “butt” out loud. She is prim and proper and Yes, I’m sure we are the same blood line.) She is everything a girl could aspire to be. She loves her family fiercely. As lady like as she is, she would claw out your eyeballs if you came for one of the family. She is protective. She is the mother looking after her cubs. She is emotional, cries easily and loves everyone. She is my role model; she puts the best foot forward. People either love her or hate her but she is real. If everyone loves you I don't think you are making a difference. You aren't living.

Why all this Kimmie talk? These thoughts should have been expressed here so much earlier. She is “My person.” If you don’t know what I mean I don’t care. My person. She is my person. She is also right now lying in a hospital bed and I believe brain dead. I’ve been sleeping in my car for the past 4 days in the hospital parking lot. No, not looking for sympathy really, just can’t bear to leave the lot. I’m thinking she will wake up right when I leave. I can’t have that. My person needs to see me. I need to see her. I sit in the waiting room day after day waiting for my allotted 15 minute turn at seeing her. It is so discouraging. I started out with such faith that God knew how much I could handle, he knew I just lost my Dad and am walking such a thin line mentally. He and his angels have given up on me. They don’t care about me because I’m at the end of my rope. My sister comes to Kaiser for an infection is up and talking and they find her a half hour later neither breathing or heart beating. We don’t know how long it was between the half hour of being scene last and being found in that state. We have been told that it only took one turn at the paddles and she came back. (They explained this was the good part… Only having to use the paddles once.) Oh, how hopeful. We are Boulanger’s and we beat the odds. We always do. Don’t we?

God he knows. He knows how much I love her. He knows how much we all still need her. He knows how much I’m alone when she dies and yet she hangs on a ventilator and feeding tubes and I can’t stand not to hope. No one will say out loud what we are all thinking. That she is no longer living in the body being held together by a feeding tube and a ventilator. It is too scary a thought. She has three kids and a husband that need her. NEED HER.

Instead we talk quietly around it, afraid if we verbalize what everyone is thinking we might jinx the miracle. The miracle her husband and we so desperately need. But, I don’t believe in miracles. Suppose it has been a long time coming. Who can say they have seen a real miracle? I mean a real miracle? Not even so sure about what I believe about prayer right now. I have lost so much. I suppose it is really conceited for me to wonder what I have done/haven’t done that has made the ones I love around me die. Would God really kill my sister and cause her family to suffer to teach me a lesson? Would he take a mother to teach a sister a lesson? I don’t think that is true yet I can’t shake the feeling I’m supposed to be learning something. I’m desperate for any clue as to why. WHY? Does anyone have an answer? I’ll grasp straws. I’ll roll the dice. At this point I’d just about do anything to make tomorrow not happen. I don’t want to go to the “family meeting.” I want to scream so loud. I want to run away. Today I actually contemplated starting a scene so I could drive away and not look back. I can’t do that because we Boulanger’s, we stick together. Since we are almost instinct, we best keep to our kind. I don’t need any more prayers. God is not listening. He…

Opposums, blah, blah, Deer ticks and my Dad.

2009-08-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Well I’m doing better considering what I have been through. I can’t stop thinking about my Dad. A trip to Costco and walking past the mixed nuts he loved makes me weepy. Then the pork tamales he loved them too. I have been getting a lot of advice lately. Some asked for and some unsolicited. All of it the same, “It will get better.” I know that to be true but it doesn’t exactly help when I’m knee deep in self pity. Poor Heather, she is an orphan, blah blah blah. I don’t care if you understand it, it is how I feel. I’m struggling. Having to drive up to Portland to see Kim's doctor to have her look at Kim's new lumps has put another fear in me. She has been so sick since her bout with breast cancer. I'm freaked I'm going to lose her too. I have done enough crying this year. It is August no more grief for this year. I have already had 2 people die in my house. Not sure but thinking that is sufficient. If the lumps she found have not shrunk by Tuesday they are going to do surgery and remove the lymph nodes and then biopsy them. I'm a Boulanger and that means we always think the worst.

Tonight Colton’s dog Wynne was scratching under the kitchen sink.

<--- Colton and scary Opossum #1

I went out there to investigate and we had opossums crawling into the area around the sink thinking how nice and toasty it was. Wynne started barking, they started hissing like crazy, I nearly peed my pants and then all the dogs started barking. It’s like duh. I’m right here dogs, I see those scary little Satan eyes staring up at me. Barking makes them scared, they hiss louder and then I holler for Colton. We started out with one, than two now we have located 4 so far.

We are relocating them out in the woods. I worry if left by the house they could bite one of my dogs or a dog could eat one and leave it’s stinky carcass some where on the lawn. I mow the lawn, and dead decaying opossum guts fly up at me. Not so much. Relocation is the only answer.

I’m not complaining about living out in the country. On the contrary, I love it. I love the deers, the wild turkeys, I feed all the birds, and the occasional fox. I haven’t seen any bears in a long time. I think that having my dogs all over the property makes them follow our creek to the river instead of going across the grassy knoll. I don’t complain about how I can’t plant much because the deers think of my yard as “the garden of eaten.” I in fact had bought a deer lick. David explained there is a reason that the worst ticks are called “deer ticks” I don’t purposely feed them I don’t want a tick to get on my dog and I’m afraid of Lyme’s disease.

I’m going to try to do one thing a day out of my comfort zone. Today I went to Costco and for the first time I left the house in years I didn’t keep calling the kids to check on Grandpa. I think I should be glad he is in a “better place”. I’m not feeling it yet. Hey, I found the coolest thing to do with Snapfish.com. I uploaded all the pictures I wanted of my Dad and the kids etc and have ordered a real book. It is like a yearbook with those kind of pages. Way cool. I’m also going to start scrap booking with Serina, Brittany, Joy and Mandy once a month. This way I can be with them, they can all meet and we can share the pictures with one another. We can share idea’s and I have WAY too much stuff for one person to use. Like everything else if I do it I always “Go Big”. Go big or go home.

Boulanger language, Canada, crazy accents and the process of grieving.

2009-08-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

(Written 4 days ago.)
So I’m on the ferry heading back to Port Angeles. (Three hours early.) Only supposed to be 2 hours early just like at the airport, but David is anal. It is over 99 degrees and way too hot to be in the car. We found a nice little shady area and ate our meat, cheese and crackers. Quite romantic actually. Some fools stayed in their cars. One person was in a wheelchair and she couldn’t get out. I wonder how many cases of heat stroke they face each day? Everyone up here is saying it is “unseasonally” warm up here. I’m like WTH? I was looking forward to to the cool air. Actually I’m smiling as I type this because I actually spent most of my time up here in the excellent room or in the AC car. The rooms are so nice and cool. They do not AC the hallways to the rooms. So it is like going from hell to heaven when you open your room door. I love Canada. I wish we could move here and have a fresh start somewhere. No one holding us back. I love Oregon so much tho. Canada is a lot like Oregon, so I could adjust. I love their coinage too.

I’m afraid to go home. When I’m here it is like “that life” doesn’t exist. Like I’m not the disconsolate orphan that I am. I know I’m a big girl and need to put my “big girl panties” on but I don’t want to. The ferry is moving now and I’m hot as hell. I don’t sweat well. I paid enough that they should have a personal fan for me. Don’t they know I’m a world renowned breeder from the states? I don’t think that they care. I’m sure there are some Doctors on here and I don’t see their personal fans. Luckily for me the ferry is turning around and I’m in the shade. Not much consolation considering I think it is still 90 in the shade. I miss my kids. I miss my chair. I miss the deer, bet no one has fed my wild birds. The deer are mad there has been no extra seed left out for them.

Cody and Erica have been staying at the house since my Dad died. It is nice to have them there as a back up because Colton is in love. I mean in love with a girl who hates his sister and me. Nice huh? We will win her over to our side. We are all that and she will come to know that. I hope she will go to Jennifer’s wedding in Caiti’s place. It would be nice to have a real bit of time with her and let her get to know us how we really are. She was very hurtful to Caiti a few years ago. I said something, Caiti shouldn’t have repeated it. Blah, blah. Let’s forget the fact that I shouldn’t have put my nose where it didn’t belong. She hurt Caiti and as a Mom that hurts me. Everyone grows and changes and she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Colton thinks the sun rises and sets on her so we will see.

I keep thinking I should be thankful for what I do have in my life and quit dwelling on what I don’t have but I’m not there yet. I have such a hole. If I allow myself to think about it for a minute I bawl my eyes out. I find myself saying it a lot too. “My dad died.” Like some how it will sink in better?!! I’m not sure actually. A bead of sweat is actually rolling down my back between my shoulder blades. UGH. I feel grouchy now. Lots of foreigners on this ferry. Speaking all of their different languages.

I may start a language of my own. I have used an Australian/british accent here. It drives David crazy, but I’m having some fun. Crazy is where I come from. My Dad and I had our own fake languages. One of them was the number language. We would go out to restaurants and say random numbers and converse through the whole meal with our fake talk. People would look so strangely at us. Ha. Then we had a fake language we would speak that was gibberish. Sounded like Arabic/Chinese/Spanish/whatever. It was so fun. My kids would never play either of those games with me. My Dad and I did fool them sometimes before they got old enough to understand and wouldn’t play. I still have grandkids planned for in the future. Perhaps they will play the gibberish language with me. I’ll be old then, it will be more acceptable I imagine. The kids can play it off as “crazy old Mom.”

What being a Boulanger means to me.

2009-07-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

LOVE NEVER DIES... BOULANGER

I have tried my best to explain what being a Boulanger has meant to me and David just doesn’t understand. He can’t figure out why I can’t/don’t embrace the Christian name like I do the Boulanger name. Boulanger is where I come from. Christian is who I am now. I want so badly to get a tattoo on my foot that says “Love never dies” Then underneath it the name Boulanger. My way of reminding myself of how important it has and is in my life. Getting a tattoo is where my husband apparently “draws the line in the sand”. So, all the crazy stuff I have done doesn’t warrant a threat but marking my OWN body is where I get a divorce?? I wonder to If my desire to get a tattoo is to distract me. I don’t know anything really right now. I know I’m mad at God . Why did I have to be one of the people who doesn’t get to grow old with their parents? My kids know their grandpa and I’m so blessed for that.

When I try to talk with my kids about my Mom and how dynamic she was and that I’m a lot like her they act like I’m trying to teach them about history and some person who didn’t exist. How can I tell your kids about a woman who made me into the Mom I am now? She was the best Mom ever.

I'm going to work in my yard.

Have you ever felt like hiding or running away?? I have hid from my whole family and crawled into the nursery and hid with a blanket when I have been overwhelmed. I have dreamt secretly about driving away. You know how sometimes you read about people who just drive away and don’t look back? I have thought about it myself. I could never bring myself to do it but I have sure thought about it plenty. Raising 4 kids is hard work. Home schooling even harder. Making sure the kids had what they needed education wise was an arduous task but well worth it. My husband going back to school and being stressed out has made me ponder divorce a lot. I have actually told him that it is “Good that we are poor otherwise we would be divorced.” He doesn’t believe in divorce unless of course I get a tattoo. Stupid. But who is the stupid one? You ever dream of running away or is it just me?

Right now I’m sitting in a ferry. I’m headed somewhere in Canada with David. We have already been on a ferry today and it was okay. Then we got to the next ferry and have had to sit around in the car and walk around Port Angeles all day. I’m becoming irritated by all the chatter.

<---The Ferry people

There were people who got out of their cars in the staging area and began chatting each other up. It annoyed me. I mean really annoyed me. They are never going to see each other again and they are practically pulling out their hibachi’s and cooking hot dogs together. I sat in the car playing solitaire on my phone. I thought to myself I could make friends like that too. What is the use tho? One of the strangers ended up trying to sell the other one something. Like a true car salesman. I laughed when I heard the word “sell.” David spent his seven hours having dinner with me, walking around this town and then cleaning out the car. Gotta keep things tidy.

<--BUTCHART GARDENS

I am looking forward to being alone tomorrow when he goes golfing. I will have 5-6 hours alone time. I have not been alone (cept for toilet) since my Dad died. Like I’m being monitored almost. Crazy thing. Sunday was Erica Barcus’ birthday. She turned 20. Her Mom texted her. Her dad called and told her he was sorry but had been too busy to send a card. Not so nice I’m afraid. When did birthdays quit mattering? This poor girl has parents who aren’t parenting her. She deserves more.

I told you I was on vacation right now right? Well, when David was in the planning stages I told him to make all the plans and I would go. He planned it for “US” at a golfing resort. Did I mention I don’t golf? I watch it on TV with him but there is no allure for me. Chasing a ball …. Not so much. Soon as he takes up scrap booking, beading, cross stitching I will take my first golf lesson. I like the hobbies I do. I also like researching stuff on line about dogs. Always starts and ends with dogs for me.

Speaking of dogs my Dad’s dog, GIGI is so sad. She goes and lays under the covers in the room she shared with my Dad. It breaks my heart to see her scratching to get in there. I know she knows he is not here. She smelled him and kissed him goodbye before I let the morticians take him. It was so hard to give my Dad the last kiss I will ever give him and never be able to look into his eyes and know he knows exactly what I’m saying with just my eyes. Who does that? Me and my Dad. We shared the same history, I was “his girl” as a young girl. Went everywhere with him. Had a few bad years with him during teenage years and then nothing but sharing our coffee every morning with creamer and whipped cream?? No one likes coffee like we do. Haven’t perked a pot since he passed. Don’t want whipped cream. This part is going to seem creepy I think but I have slept in his bed for 4 nights. Once I’m in the room I don’t ever want to go out into the main house. Once I’m in the main house I don’t want to walk past his room at all. Wish I could unbuild it. I don’t exactly know what is going on but that is what is happening with me. Maybe I am insane?

I tried to be the best daughter, care giver I know how to be. I still have regrets. I wasn’t with him when he died. He died all alone. I would never want that for anyone to die alone. I sat in the room with my computer blaring music and playing on Face book until 3 AM. I was singing my heart out loud. He didn’t complain. I put the baby monitor right by my head and laid on the couch. I fell asleep and slept until 8 AM. I hadn’t slept in weeks. He had been so antsy. (A week earlier he had fallen out of the bed.) He died without me by his side. I let him down. I will never get over that. I should have been there. I should have been holding his hand, singing, praying instead of sleeping.

My Father died. I'm totally alone now.

2009-07-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

RIP

THOMAS GEORGE BOULANGER

MARCH 18, 1937-JULY 16, 2009

OMG I have just survived the most harrowing week of my life. My Daddy died on July 16th.
We knew this time he must really be dying. For the past two years we have been on the “death” watch as each time we left the hospital I was admonished to spend time with him because he was dying after all. Well, two years later and he did it. He died on me. I did not give him my permission. I didn’t want to be an orphan. That is what I am now. I have no parents. I am parent less. No more Father’s Day!! No more laying in bed with him just holding hands and reminiscing. Never again. That is so permanent.

I have no one left in this whole world who loves me unconditionally and that cuts me to the quick. Oh, those around me would say that they love me “unconditionally” but that is a lie. They might mean it, but I know that it isn’t true. I’m 45 I know the harsh realities. My family has all been keeping me busy reorganizing and cleaning and etc. I have cried a lot. But those tears are the ones that are “acceptable” tears. I haven’t had the good cry yet. The soul crying I know it is here it is always brimming up to the surface, bubbling and yet not allowed to be heard or seen. I need to do this in private.

David planned a vacation (during the time my Dad was put on hospice) for this week. He wanted to go to Canada. I didn’t plan to go. I went and did the passport photo’s and never really intending to go. If my Dad was alive I would stay home. He was going to be alive so all the cooperating with my husband was just my ruse. I was pretending to want to go.

My Dad died and now I’m on vacation. Does that make sense to you? My heart is broken and yet I trudge through all the tourist spots in Canada. I cry special tears because my Dad always wanted to come here. We talked about it a lot when I was a kid. He wanted to live here. It is gorgeous here. I feel a bit renewed. I feel sad too because I don't get to go home and tell him all about it. It crushed me one morning when I woke up and my first thought was "I can't wait to tell Dad."

I have been doing A LOT of soul searching this week. I go from guilt to sorrow to anger at my sisters and then back to the deep unending loneliness. I feel as if I have been set a drift. I have taken care of my Dad for over 7 years and just the past 2 years has he been really bed ridden. I could always use my Dad as an excuse for the in-law functions. If I didn’t want to do/be somewhere “MY DAD” worked. I am a hermit at heart. I love being home. I love it more than anything. I wish I never had to leave my home in reality. It might be a sickness but who knows. The only thing that would make me happier being home is if it took visitors to hop into a tractor to reach my home. No cars could go over the terrain. Alas, no tractors are needed.
I can’t remember if I blogged about my Dad’s premonition or not. I find myself thinking about my “home invader” and how I can best protect my family. Was it just my Father’s crazy talk, lack of oxygen or was it a real premonition and why would God warn me through him? Is something worse going to happen?

I can’t do worse. I can barely function in my daily activities. If it weren’t for my dogs I would lie in bed and not get up. My dogs still need to go out, they still need to be let in. I need to watch the Mommy’s and love on their babies. I’m an orphan dontcha know. I’m 45 and an orphan. I could feel sorry for myself if I allow it. Some people suck hard and they are still alive. My Dad was everything rolled into one person. My past. My history. Where I come from.

When my Mom died 22 years ago I was only 21 and didn’t even have any children of my own yet. I knew what her being dead meant. Nothing was to prepare me for my Father’s death. It is different this time. I know how permanent it is now.

My Father lived with me in my house with my family. Everywhere I went he went. My Father was my mentor, my guide, my companion and the best friend I will ever have in my life and now I have lost that. I’m not anchored. I feel like I’m floating. I wonder if this lack of connection is what a midlife crisis feels like. Haven’t had one. Never intended to anyway. I don’t want to seem like I’m not thankful for my kids and my hubby. I love them but now I’m rootless. I have no one backing me up from my past. My heritage, my people. My kids don’t appreciate what it means to be a Boulanger. They don’t appreciate it and aren’t willing to fight for what it stands for. Being a Boulanger means everything to me. I MEAN EVERYTHING. We are a dying breed, the heritage, pride and sense of loyalty is waning. I want it to mean something to my children. My sisters and I know that being a Boulanger means we can get mad at one another, swear them off until they call.

It is displaced loyalty where you know that NO matter what we have each others back. No matter what.

I don’t think I instilled that in my children. It is a feeling in your soul. Rest in Peace Dad. I will never forget you... I promise.

Where am I? Why am I here and why can't I

2009-07-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long it has been since I last posted. I reckon if I wasn't so thoroughly exhausted I would look backwards to see. Maybe it is because I don't really care how long it has been. My Dad is declining this time. Every other time we went to the hospital my dad came out of "it" and we were a little bit less mentally, or physically but he came back. This time it feels different to me. The daily reminders of the CNA that comes out to the house to help bathe him makes it real. Everytime I have to call hospice the first thing they say to me is "Your Dad is really sick". I think there must be some special code in my chart that says that they think I'm in denial. I'm not in denial... not really. I just have been told for so long that my Dad was on his last leg and we pull him out. Now his mind is going. It feels weird to me to be giving him morphine when he isn't visibly in pain. They told me that with his severe neuropathy he possibly doesn't feel the chest pain but his agitation stems from the pain and manifests in agitation, restlessness and lack of appetite. I'm scared shitless really. During this whole last hospitalization I have been slowly accepting the inevitable. I feel like maybe if I had put him on a stringent diet he wouldn't be in such bad shape now. He is a grown man and I can't be in charge of what he chose to eat for all the years prior but I enabled him by buying him whatever comfort food he wanted.I will write more when I'm not falling asleep between each thought. I'm beyond tired. I'm thankful fo rthe help I do have

Hospice. Does that mean? Nah. I'm a Boulanger those rules don't apply.

2009-06-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Well how have I been? I have been getting excited for the annual “Boulanger week long beach trip.” Bonne was arriving Friday and we were leaving from Saturday until next Saturday June 20-27th. Oh my God, I need a vacation. No responsiblities, just chilling with my relatives. We have been looking for almost a year for this token souvenir. All getting online together and googling for just the right thing to commemorate this years trip.

God. God has a sense of humor. Yep, funny guy.

Not so good. My dad had a doctors appt the Wednesday before the trip. We got him up and dressed. I was expecting this big, fat office visit to be all kudos’s for my dad because he has been on a diet for 4 months. His blood sugars are good, his triglycerides better than ever.

Everything is absolutely perfect.

Get to the doctors office, get my Dad in his wheel chair and he strokes out. OMG. So, right in front of the office the doctor and his entire staff come out and we have to call an ambulance because my Dad didn’t even have a pulse. I start bawling, I don’t like to include ambulances in my life. When my kids were small I would teach them that when they see an ambulance go by they should say a prayer for where the ambulance was headed because something bad was happening and lives were changing. When the doctor told his staff to call an ambulance I was like “No, we don’t need one, the hospital is just a few blocks away. I can run there faster with his chair than they can get here.” I don’t know what the doctor thought “cept the ambulance was called. Guess he doesn’t have confidence in my astute running styling.

4 days were spent sitting with my dad in a coma in Critical Care again. Now the doctor tells me that my Dad can’t withstand sitting up any more. His heart muscle has so deteriorated that when he sits up his heart cannot send enough blood to his feet as he lacks the volume. If he sits up he will die. Also said my dad “suffered a severe heart attack in the past two months.” I was like, how does that happen, how does a person have a massive heart attack and not know it? Apparently a lot of diabetics who eat poorly ruin the muscles around their heart along with the great gift of neuropathy. My poor dad.

Doctor said my dad was a minute from dying this time. If the ambulance wasn’t so close he would be a goner. The task of bringing him into the doctors was out of the question at this point and not to bring him back. I’m sure he was thinking that having a patient die in front of your office was a turn off. LOL. HE loves my Dad.

Whatever.!! That is a nice way to say that my dad is totally bed ridden. Doctor is great don’t get me wrong, he is awesome but I hate the barrier of bad news. I ask him if we can go home. I had seen enough. Defibrillators going off, bigimminies (bgm’s) and arrhythmia’s alarms going off 24/7 and the fucking flashing lights. They went from orange to red to orange red, orange red. I sat for four days and stared at those lights. Those lights flashing and alarming the worst sound screaming in my ear “Your dad is dying” Look here “Your dad is dying” in case you forgot “Your dad is dying”. I just wanted to go home with my Dad. I already lost a parent (22 years ago) at the hospital. Laid in bed with my Mom until God took her home. Don’t intend that for my Dad. Horrifying was what I would call it. So cold. So impersonal.

Doctor says I can go home as long as I bring hospice along. I’m like,… “I know my dad. I know every square inch of his body, why are you making me bring these strangers into my home to tell me what I already know. Who knows my Dad more than Me? No one. Not a soul.” I asked him “Why??“ He said they are better able to tell him what my dad needs than I am. I reckon I don’t know the right lingo. He said that they know how to make sure my Dad dies without pain and that is their specialty. Now we must dance through the hospice hoops. LoveJoy Hospice is great tho. They are thorough in asking questions so I think that seems like they care. I think surrendering to hospice means that I acknowledge my dad is GOING to die within 6 months. I can’t think that way. Won’t allow it.

The morning after we got to bring him home I told my Dad he had money in the bank and didn’t have to be on a diet any more because like Why? Why be on a diet when you are on your way out? I’d be like.. I want candy, chips and ice cream for every meal. Oops… I already do that. Ugh. Anyway to get to the point I was telling him he could pick any restaurant every day and I would make sure he got a nice meal brought home for him. Like a “make a wish/dish” thingy.

My Dad did the strangest thing that day after I told him about the money and restaurant eating he called me closer to his bed asked me to get close to his mouth. I asked him puzzled, “You going to kiss me?” No. He wanted to tell me about his “premonition”. Here is what he said. He said, and I quote “I want you to buy a big shot gun with the money.” I actually laughed. I laughed so loud. It seemed hilarious at the moment. Then he got this serious look on his face and asked me if he had ever in the past told me he had a premonition for me… I said “No” and he said: “You are going to have a home invasion. You are going to need the shot gun.” I said something flip like, “I think you had loss of oxygen at the hospital.” That pissed him off pretty good. He wanted to leave me knowing I was protected. I told him I have three hand guns. Those would be sufficient. Nope. So, I thought about it and bought the 12 gauge shot gun. I took it into him when I got home. He approved of the big boy ….but now I’m left freaked. I asked him if it was a person, persons, an animal like a bear, which door, day/night, do I live. He said “Only part I got was that you needed the shot gun.” I’m thinking all the time about it now. Lack of oxygen? God’s intervention? Ramblings of a crazy man? Paranoia perhaps? His and then mine???

A real premonition? Something he leaves me with is now fear. I had already been thinking about the fact that I have NEVER been alone in my house. NEVER. My house is big and has lots of places to hide. Etc. I live in the country way out in the woods. Here is the warning. Don’t ever try to sneak up on me. It will not go well. I may for the first time in 23 years have to lock doors.

I hate this new feeling… fear.

I live in Oregon for a reason. I like not worrying about shit. I don’t like worrying about stuff. It takes up too much space. I may just decide to let it roll and not change my lifestyle. I don’t even own a key to any door in my house. I’m also acutely aware about how huge this house is.

Colton graduates in June and leaves for his Psychology school and Caiti graduates from High School. Next June it will be just two of us rambling around this big house. Why didn’t I think more about the hugeness of my house instead of falling in love with the property? Way, way too much house. I did put the needs of my dogs above any other thought. Now you know what a brainiac I am… Not so much.

I am thoroughly and completely exhausted. I mean bone tired. I keep jokingly saying that my dad is going to break/crush me and bury me first. At this rate he may be right. Past two days has been so shitty and I mean that literally. He was impacted and hadn’t gone in 6 days. Guess he wanted to leave it for me. Ha. OMG every 13 minutes he calls. I can’t leave him on the bedpan. Can’t let him get bed pan bed sores. He has no meat on his ass. He is skin and bone below the waist. Poor guy. We are both exhausted but only one of us is raw and it ain’t me. Poor man. I have heard the doctors tell me a million times when we are at the hospital my dad is going to die. Yes, I know, we all die eventually that I find myself thinking that this time is just like all the other times. Just a scare. Then the fact those hospice people have to come keeps me grounded. My dad laughingly told me tonight he plans for another 6 years. I smiled. That is my Dad. This is my life and damn, I’m waiting for retirement. Isn’t that funny? I think it is ludicrous.

Sparkling Mondays and is this all?

2009-06-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Friends, not friends and of course the liars.

2009-06-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

My dad's health has been worse than ever. He is not sleeping. "He is not sleeping", translates roughly to I'm not sleeping either". I am beyond exhausted. I mean it. I wake up more tired than when I lay on my couch. You might not think this possible. Trust me it is possible. I'm tired of being tired. I take 20 some odd vitamins every day trying to stay on top of my game. After a while like now, caffeine is what gets my body amped all day then Tylenol Pm's tell my body when I order it to go sleep. Now I control up and down time with caffeine and benadryl. What has become of me? LOL I love Coffee and Diet Pepsi so it is all good.

I have noticed differences in my thinking too. Even weirder is that I sometimes "hear" my dad calling for me and he is sleeping soundly. We go up and down on this crazy roller coaster of sleeplessness. It doesn't matter if he doesn't sleep because laying in bed doesn't make him tired. He can doze off and on all day. I don't have that same luxury. I have to do my stuff to take care of business. I hopefully am going to get more help with my dad. If I could just have at least 3-4 days of 6 hours straight sleep I will do just fine. Getting up 2-3 times an hour all night long is making me so rummy. I haven't slept in my own bed for over a year now. Couch = bed. Sad huh? It is comfy and I don't usually resent it. I like being downstairs because if anyone comes to the house or if there is a problem I'm in the "hub" of the house. It is so spread out that when I'm upstairs I don't know anything about what is going on downstairs.

Summer is almost upon us. Colton and Caitlin have one week left of finals and they can help out more too. This is my last summer with Colton. He will be in graduate school next summer. I feel sad when the kids grow up and move out. I get more lonely as each moves out. I know this is life but God, it sucks hard. Bitter sweet. Luckily for me I have dogs that won't leave me like these damn kids. LOL. I'm planning for a future. I feel like I have earned it. I want to travel. I want to see other states. I want to be in streams and lakes and see Mt Rushmore. I want to do this before I am too old to enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like "Is this really all there is?" I want to enjoy my life and read books again. I want to lay on the beach all day under an umbrella in the warm sand. Right now tho I'm getting through every day thinking about "the dream."

Enough complaining. I make myself sick with my talk of life. Woe is me. Blah blah bull shit. I have made every decision I have made in my life with a conscious knowledge of just what I was doing. My dad didn't get sick over night. He has progressively with age gotten sicker and more bed ridden etc. I didn't make him eat right so part of his illness is because I wasn't strong enough to keep him off the sugars. I know it was and is his decision but I could have not indulged him so much. I like sugar too you see. I'm not diabetic (Thank you Jesus) and I don't know if I could be as good as my husband is with not eating sugar etc. It is hard.

So, my last post talked about "esoteric things". I have found out that someone I cherished is a liar. They lied to me, they lied to others and it is about their general character. The thing that makes them who they are. Everyone lies, yes, even I. But when you are developing a friendship you are counting on the other person being real. When you find out the other person is NOT what you thought they were it is heart wrenching. I don't have a lot of free time because of my obligations so I cherish the time I am allotted and to find out the time spent in the company of people who don't know how to be honest with themselves or me makes me feel sick. This is the first experience I have ever had where I am (was) friends with a stranger. I will be much more careful next time. I have learned things so it all was not in vain. I don't believe in reincarnation but if it ends up we come back please make me a dog. I want to be a small toy lap dog that is pampered. I want to sleep and eat when I feel like it. I want someone to love on me all day and make me feel loved. My dogs have it made. (ick... I want to be a dog who is fixed) No doggy porno for me. LOL.

I'm in Portland. I brought Kim back from her 7 day stay in GP. Her cellulitis is back and she had to be brought up to Kaiser. I slept in a real bed last night. I slept 7 whole hours. I HAD DREAMS!! I haven't had dreams in months. Too much of my sleep is broken up into little pieces. If I have a dream I don't remember. Thank God I'm not a person who is to interpret dreams. I don't know what they mean but I was so well rested this morning and have a feeling it has something to do with the dreams. I feel fantastic.

David's poison oak is so, so bad. He is on Predisone and got a shot. He is worse than ever. I think the oral ivy drops he takes every single day of the year to keep him from getting it has made him super sensitive to it. His skin where the lesions are is like thick oozing leather. I get it bad but NOTHING like what he has. It is so bad he is so blistered. OMG. I think he should stay off the oral ivy because it hasn't helped do anything.

I go home tomorrow. It's all good. Here is the super crazy part... I miss my dad. Yes, I also miss my kids and hubby but mostly my life is my Dad. Is Dad happy, fed, cool enough, drink enough water, etc. I almost don't know what to do with myself not having him here. I"m a lunatic I know. It is after 11 and all these early birds are in bed. I'm afraid I may wake them with the clicking of the key board. So get real, get real fast and get going.

Do we really "know" people?

2009-06-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

I'm 45 and I have just realized that we don't really "know" people. What we know is through our own observations and from what they divulge. Recently I found out that someone who I thought I knew I really don't know. I feel like a tool. I always want to believe the best in people. I want to believe what they tell me. If I have taken my time and have allowed someone "in" I expect at least honestly. Not one sided bull shit. You know, I don't know if i'm getting across what I'm trying to say or not. If I have decided that we "click" and are friends and then years later discover you were a fake person and I have shared intimate details of my life it hurts me. Hurts me deep. If friends can't share "real truths" no matter how ugly than the one who isn't sharing is lying in omission.

I have a friend who has done just that. Let me know parts and pieces and never the real truth and now I'm stuck wondering if I should confront or back away and consider it a lesson learned and move along toward the next thing.?? Any suggestions?

I feel like an investment in each other is what deepens friendships and allows them to flourish. I'm so confused.

Oh What a great day.

2009-05-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

The Va brought my Dad out a hoyer lift. What is a hoyer lift and why is Heather so excited about it you wonder? It is a machine that allows me to get my dad up off of the bed and can clean under him. The new air mattress the VA gave him transfers his pressure points every 15 minutes. I only have to add pillows every hour or so. Anything that helps me with my Dad is so awesome and I truly am thankful.

Chase and Mory were here and we had the most awesome time. Cody and Erica came over a couple of nights and we had BBQ with all the kids. I got great Mother's Day pictures. Here is one below:

What a good looking group of boys. Mory and I spent a great deal of time together while Chase was a groomsman in Seth Reeser's wedding and so he went to Portland and Mory stayed with us here. It was so nice getting to know her and share that time with her. She has come out of her shll sufficiently. It was so weird having all the kids in the house at the same time. Weird but so appreciated. It was so sweet to see Erica loving on the puppies. She missed them a lot. Mory couldn't keep her hands off of the babies and they appreciated the extra attention. I have a bit of a cold right now. I take about 20 vitamins every night so it comes as a complete shock that I'm sick. I havent' been sick in years. Hopefully this will be a fast moving thing. I sure don't want to get my dad sick. I'm looking forward to the Boulanger trip in June. Yes siree Bob.

 Mory and Chase are here.

2009-05-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

This was the wing on the airplane when I flew down to Santa Barbara last year. Now my kids, Chase and Mory are here in Oregon. My kids are all going to be with me on Mothers Day!!

Tomorrow Mory and I are getting our hair weaves and manicures.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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Washed, examined and the naked man

2009-05-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

Happiness is temporary. This is so true. SO every day when I wake up in what seems like my own "personal hell" also kiddingly referred to as "Ground Hog Day" by me. You know that movie with Bill Murray where he wakes up everyday and does the exact same thing every single stinkin' day? I wake up every day to the ground hog day. Coffee must be made, dogs must go out, clean pens, fresh food and water. Vacuum around dog pens, vacuum the house. Change pee pads, get my dad coffee, start laundry. Empty the dishwasher, clean the pen in the kitchen, see who needs to be wormed and ready for shots. Get my dad something to eat. Get him more coffee even though I know he just drank 3 cups. Every day he pretends to not remember drinking the first cup. It is kind of funny because it happens EVERY SINGLE MORNING> Thus the ground Hog analogy.

When I have puppies in the nursery, I always love on them and pet them all day and that makes my happiness permanent. Dogs make the best friends. They are so damn happy for chicken jerky. They kiss me more than my kids and never talk back. (Well they do holler when they want in or out.) No, my kids do not talk back...much. We are well past the arguing/talking back stage. Now it is just watching them grow up into the people they were raised to be.

Chase and Mory will be here for Mother's Day. Happy for that. Chase is going to his friends wedding up in Portland. Mory is going to stay here with us and we are going to go to our favorite hair specialist. Caiti will get cobalt blue and hot pink this time and Mory will be getting a double colored (honey and blonde) weave. So we will have a nice day of beauty. Marissa is the best hair stylist and we like to go in because it is like we own the joint. I wish I could say they are coming up for Mother's Day but alas, Seth Reeser is getting married in Portland and Chase is a groomsmen.

I had lunch today with Cody. I picked him up at the pharmacy at Allen Creek Albys and we went to the other Albertson's (where David works) and David cooked us burgers and we had soda. It was nice. I think it was the first time David had seen Cody since he moved out. We discuseed Cody's plans for when Chase was here and when he planned to be able to come over. David spent the whole day behind his store cooking cheeseburgers and hot dogs for his employees and their families. "Employee appreciation" is what he calls it. It rained A LOT> So he stood in the rain for hours cooking/bbq for his people. He is a good man. He is a good boss and one of the things I respect most about him is that he does not just stand around ordering other people to do work. HE works harder than anyone else I know. I think he will have his Masters Degree next May. Where will we end up? I don't know. I will go anywhere in Oregon. I don't want to move a long way away from my sisters or children for money.

Maybe he will be promoted and we stay in the same area. I love my land. I love where I live. I love my privacy, I love my aninimity, I love knowing nothing about my neighbors nor them about me. Living in the woods is the best place to live if you like the country. Every trip into town in a "deal" now. It's not like when we lived in town we would drive to Walmart in the bat of an eye. Now we plan one trip for everything. Funny how that is.

Someone who reads my blogs asked me for more details about my "Naked man" in a previous blog about my childhood. I remembered something about him that I thought I had previously blogged. I used to have to keep him dressed. That sounds easy enough huh? Well, he liked to be naked A LOT. When I was having a 14th birthday party at my house (We owned and ran and lived in the retirement home) my friends and I had stayed up late and swam in the pond and finally went to sleep. We were so exhausted and finally fell asleep about 1:30. Well, come 3 AM my naked man came into the room we were sleeping buck naked and turned the light on. Lots of screaming ensued. My friends were so horrified seeing a ghost white naked man standing in the doorway. They called their Mom's and my Mom had to explain a lot to the parents. I ended up with no friends left for the rest of the sleep over.

I didn't pout or feel sorry for myself.. I could not understand what the big deal was. I had been raised with old people most of my life. Big deal. Naked man... just another time to get him dressed. I smile now as I remember this episode. I'm smiling because now I realize what it must have felt like to be one of those girls parents. "Mom, please come get me. A naked man just came into the room where we were sleeping and turned the light on and was calling for Heather." cry cry whine etc. No feeling like ...By this time I had helped bathe every person in the retirement home and thought nothing of a dick and ball sack. Just something else that had to be washed. Meant absolutely nothing to me. YOu know, the experiences I had as a child, like the naked man have helped me with my adult life. You see I hate going to see the OBGYN for the yearly check up. I mean I HATE it. The only way I could get through is it to think that the woman doctor had seen so many vagina's in her life that mine (although special to me) is nothing big. Just like how I thought about the old mens genitals. No big deal. All the same something else needing to be washed or examined.

Coming home from Portland

2009-04-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

Omg!! What a fast two days we just had. Now we are driving home. Actually there is no "we" as Colton is driving all the way home. He is a good and sturdy driver.

Above is a picture of me, my sister Kim and her daughter and my niece Christine. This evening was the annual "Roast Heather" I am voting for someone else next time LOL.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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Weekend with Colton

2009-04-23T19:13:00.001-07:00

Today is Friday. Yippee? Maybe this weekend because I'm lucky enough to go to Portland with Colton. He is going to a two day psychology conference and I horned in. Bonne, my sister took Friday and Saturday off so we can all be together and us girls have a girls night slumber party.

Friday night all the peeps are coming to see Colton and we are going to have a huge BBQ. Kenny hasn't seen Colton in years and neither has my sister. This is going to be a much needed and restful family weekend. I mean relatives are coming out of the woodworks to look see Colton.

I gave everyone shots who needed them today, wormed all the dogs, frontline and trimmed nails. I am so happy in my life. I have a renewed sense of purpose and well being. Maybe it is my new vitamins? Or... I just feel better? I'm not questioning just being thankful. I think I'm not thankful enough for the good things and the bad things. We always get through it but I wish I could go straight to acceptance and skip the denial, pissy, mad and to straight to "Im better than that" in all I do and say.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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Shop til you drop.

2009-04-19T23:17:00.003-07:00

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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So it's Sunday and it is beautiful

2009-04-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

Tulips are one of my favorite flowers. I think that part of the reason I love them is that each time they poke their heads up I know Spring is really here. My sister, Bonne loves tulips as well. She talks to me all of the time about the flowers. I buy them for her when I see some. Some day when she owns her own home she is going to have the most incredible gardens. She likes nothing more than to spend the day in the yard. I used to do that too. Now I see my yard when I'm coming into the house or going outside. I see the birds, the deers and wild animals. Nothing special planted. I plant a few new things each year, the deers eat it. They are happy and fat. This country life is not for the botanical loving part of me. I do have new flowers in the kitchen garden window.

I had kind of a bad day and acted poorly. I get really upset when things aren't done all the way. You know what I mean, half assed? You all know what I mean. Ask the kids to put the Momma dogs outside to go potty. THAT ALWAYS means, fresh food and water while they run around outside. Lazy daughter does the bare minimum. I remember being a kid, so It's not like I'm feining that I was super responsible but I was. We took care of old people my entire growing up years. I had my own man. You know, being 13 meant I had to help bathe the old people. Yep, didn't think a thing about it. Anywho, I had my own man I was responsible for. His name was... OMG what was his name. Well let's just call him the naked man. Why naked man? Cuz he spent any free moment he had getting naked. It was indeed my job to make sure he stayed dressed even if that meant 100 times a day and sometimes it felt like that. I could never get mad or angry. This man and the others were paying our bills. I knew to be kind, nice and most of all patient. You know while I was living it my life was hell if you just looked at it from the outside. I was happy. I had a good childhood really. Lots of responsibility.

All my life experiences make me who I am today. Good and bad. Had kind of a sad day on the 17th of April. That is my Mom's "death day". This is the first year in 22 years we haven't all called each other and cried. Talked etc. We just said our own little prayers and took the day on for whatever it called for. We are getting very excited for Chase and Mory's visit home. Everyone who reads this (all 8 of you) pray really, really hard that they decide to move here sooner rather than later. I could use a new friend. A person should try to be friends with a lot of people. I'm no different than you except dogs make me who I am now. I have babies, babies, babies and I love babies. I love to see Mom's expression when they see the fruits of their labor. Kind of how a human mother looks at her new baby. Luckily we usually just have one at a time tho.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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I'm at peace!!

2009-04-15T20:25:00.001-07:00

I have a nursery full of puppies and could not be any more at peace with my personal life. I mean it. I feel so comfortable in my own skin. Peace. It is a beautiful thing. I'll write more tonight. Have lots to write.

What you don't see in this picture of me is my Father on the pit toilet. You know those toilets always smell so foul. I was so glad that my Father went to the beach with us that day. I am having a little peek a boo with my future whe all the kids are gone. Colton graduates with his degree and then has to pick phsychology schools. He will be done next Winter. He is still on the Presidents List for students with a 4.0 and all I can say is WOW. My newly 18 year old has been on Presidents list since enrolling. I'm getting tired now. Maybe Dad will let me sleep tonight. He is doing so good on his mandatory diet. He continues to kill him with his constgant beggings for food>all day long and I can't give his his usual shitty begging him. He would think me a good daugnter if I went back to giving him whatever he wants whenever he wants. Colton is really better about it than me. I will give him a little snack here and there and it pisses him off totally. I'm falling asleep.
Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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Victorious day.

2009-04-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

Had the most excellent day today. I got a lot of clarity. Clarity is a good thing. Let's us know where we stand and where others stand. Also let's us know when we are left standing alone. I got a lot of work done. WOOT WOOT. I got all the downstairs windows washed inside and out. Amazing how nice it is to look outside through clean windows. A whole new outlook.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy 3 shades of green paint to paint my new office. Yes, we decided not to put in any extra beds as in guest room. We hardly get any long term guests and if we had a real bed they might want to stay. LOL> My peeps will sleep with Colton. His room is half the house for Pete's sake. Anyways, My friend, Marty has an office of her own and it is gloriously green. 3 shades and I unabashedly plan to totally copy it. Then in the afternoons when we are chatting we are chatting in the same colored room. LOL Hokey I know. My favorite color is in fact green so it is a "no" brainer. Speaking of no brainer that is what I have been lately. No braining stuff. Just going through the motions. I had no idea how much I would miss Valentina and the joy she brought to my life. The good times that we had. Makes today seem rather sad so much has changed.

My father has been up a lot during the late nights. Moaning, talking etc. Seems like as soon as everyone gets quiet he starts up. It is all good tho.
He is my dad, I love him. He sits up with me and loves to watch the babies be born. He is good company most of the time. The moaning and with holding his pee until I hear every nuance of his latest UFO dream gets old but generally he has always been there for me. Through thick and thin and fat etc.

I have Been spending some quality time online with Sergio. I think the magnitude of what happened is sinking in and he is sadder than he thought possible. He is an orphan in every sense of the word. I will be an orphan when my dad dies. I'm 45 tho he is so much younger than I. I feel a deep, penetrating sorrow for him. He had the best Mom that God could find. She blessed him more than he will ever know. It was a blessing she bestowed upon me to have her want me to take care of her.

We have found that the dynamics in my house have changed so drastically since Cody launched out on his own. My house is so much more quiet, I'm more productive and now I'm actually counting the minutes until my hubby gets home. My dad is my best companion and Colton and Caiti are doing stuff together. It is still so new but exciting at the same time. Cody moved out. Good for him and good for us. We have a boy who feels like he can go it on his own and we "produced and made him." Two boys self sufficient. No one else is allowed to move out.

We (Actually I am ) mulling over the possibility of taking Caitlin on a cruise to Alaska in August for her 17th birthday. It really is my way of saying "sorry for not being what I should be to her". I'm so accutely aware of how everyone else took presidence over her. I want to spend quality time with her while she still wants to be with me. I've been a not so good Mom to her. I've basically sucked when it comes to her. She is my only daughter and I have treated her like an extra. I wonder if what I'm writing makes sense here. We do/did stuff but someone was always there too. Bonne, Serina, Christine, Erica, Erica. etc. I haven't treated her like a friend too. When I look into her eyes I feel sad. She deserves so much more from me. God gave me the answer to my prayers in having a daughter and I didn't cherish every minute of it. Boys are different, their needs are different.

Serina and Justin at Applebys with my Dad and I

2009-04-03T20:03:00.001-07:00

This is Serina and her husband, Justin. We had a great lunch.. cough, cough.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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The House that Ron Thomas built and Fridays at Applebys.

2009-04-03T20:02:00.001-07:00

This is my father and me. Yes, the same Father who finds his sorry ass in the hospital. He is a big man but he is actually the shrinking man. I'm in charge of what he eats. You remember that limerick "Jack spratt could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean?" Yes, I'm in charge. He is ONLY 72
This picture was taken right before he started his coughing and gasping for air dining experience. Never fails, wants to go out and then gets so excited about the shrimp. Yes, always deep fried shrimp are involved. Then eats a few and starts choking and I stand over him feeding him after he practically dies from choking. We make everyone around us nervous with his coughing. Made a mistake this time and went during "rush hour" times. Did I tell you I love him? Well I do. He has been the best dad he knows how. His Dad died young and I know my dad misses him.

My Kitchen Floor below

David worked so hard at getting the floor put down. Colton and I spent all day and night Thursday digging up the linoleum and under flooring of the kitchen. It was ALOT of work. My God, I feel 45. When he was prying and pulling I kept thinking I could go faster. He left the tools to use the bathroom and I ran to the tools so I could "show him how its done." OMG I'm so sore today. I'm laughing as I type this as I realize he knew I was a weakling. I did a great job sweeping and picking up the debris.

I'm the garbage lady indeed.

I have the most adorable puppies right now. I have been stressed as of late and it is so nice to curl up in my chair with the babies. There is nothing in the world like puppies to love on that makes every single day bearable. I have 5 new Mom's getting ready to have babies. I have been sleeping in the nursery because I don't want to miss anything. LOL.

Colton and I are talking a lot lately. He is spending time with his sister. All of these things are good things. I didn't realize what a hard worker he is and Caitlin is appreciating his mad math skills. I am thrilled to death with my kitchen floor. Ron Thomas built my house, he did a terrible job. Really terrible. We love our land, I love the privacy and being in the country. I don't have a curtain in my house. Every single window is huge and no curtains. No matter where I am it is like I am camping, or um.. like in the garden of Eden. I'm so blessed to be able to live where I do. Oregon is God's country.

It's only Tuesday??

2009-03-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I woke up at like 4:30 AM. Most of you know I don't go to sleep until around 2:30 AM. My dad is on a screwy schedule and has been on one all the years I have taken care of him. So, not much sleep. I had to go to Salem for the HB 2470. The legislature is trying to pass a bill against all dog breeders. The bill sucked. We went to talk to all the congressmen and I made some friends. The drive up was so relaxing as I got to sit in the back of Roger and Donna Robert's nice new car. I relaxed in the back seat sipping my coffee the whole while getting more nervous as the miles pressed ever closer. Once we got there we realized we had been waiting in the wrong room, about 300 other breeders showed up. It was nice to be amongst friends. OF course there were a few people wearing "Stop Puppy Mill" dresses looking all whorish when they matched the shirt with a black mini skirt. It was standing room only and the legislatures realized that they didn't really know what they were trying to do. I didn't have to give a speech after all and I was grateful for that. I made lots of friends with people around us and had a good time. I was so glad to get home. When I was at the State Capital I was amazed by the amount of staff it takes or seemingly takes to run the show. I also realized that Rep. Paul Holvey did not write the bill, his chief legislative aide did. I basically found out the clowns are running the assylum. LOL

I'm all for shutting down puppy mills. I think that they should be shut down. But, in the same sentence I want it said that all breeders aren't puppy mills. It is not the quantity of dogs you have but the quality of care that they recieve. I'm tired tonight, been working hard all day.

Cody found a nice place in Medford to live. I'm so happy he found a suitable place. His commute to school is going to be so much less. Driving all the time is a boring endeavor.

I have a beautiful merle smooth coat Chihuahua getting ready to whelp a litter of YorkiChi's any day now. I have a Maltese getting ready to whelp as well as a PomChi litter. Lot's of excitement here. My son Colton, so graciously tried to help me make a new web site as he said my web site was cheesy and so "unprofessional". He made me a new one and it seemed so "sterile" to me. I got like 38 emails saying "Hate what you've done with the place". SO, we redid the site the old way, changed a few things, tweaked a few pages and viola... It is back to what you know. I had no idea people would hate the changes.

TOmorrow the contractor comes out to start work on the room. I can't decide if we should make it into an office, spare bedroom. It had been Cody's room and now that he is gone we can make lots of changes. Guess that is it for tonight, my Tylenol Pm's are kicking in. I'm so excited to go see my friend, Marty on Saturday.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

2009-03-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

If you have noticed Colton has changed my web site. I don't know how to change it now. I'm at his mercy. I hate to be at anyones mercy. I mean it bothers the crap out of me. I hate to ask others for help. I hate hand outs, I hate hands up. I want to do everything myself. I'm just like that. When I want to do something I don't want anyone to tell me NO. Or make it so I can't do it myself as in the web site. There are big changes happening in my life. BIG changes.

For one big change, Cody moved out and has found himself a place in Medford to live. We are so excited for him. I can remember when I moved out. I was thrilled to death, scared as hell, thrilled to death, scared.. What a wonderful time in his life. Becoming the man he has dreamt hof all his life. He is so much closer to Ashland (Where he goes to school full time) and it will really shorten his travel time. We knew he hated the commute and hopefully will get a job in Medford at one of the Albertson's pharmacy's..

Colton will miss driving with him and he and Caitlin along with me and David will miss him something fierce at the house. He is a wonderful, honest young man and I'm so very proud to be his Mom. He is brilliant and will learn to know what he needs to know when it is time for him to know. He is 20 and his moving out was bound to happen sooner rather than later. I'm glad he didn't really quit playing the online game WOW. That is his connection to his brothers. You take that away from him and he loses the link. The family link he shares with his brothers and Mory, my future daughter-in-law. Now I still have 2 left at home so I will QQ. He knows he is always welcome home. Our home is always open should he need it. Going out on your own is expensive.

I missed Valentina today. I was looking through the weekend ad's and saw a drink she always bought and it brought a tear to my eye. She was real. Not fake, a real person. What you see is what you got. I miss that in my life. Honesty, hard to come by nowadays. I'm so thankful I had the time with her that I got. God smiled on me the day we were introduced.

Tomorrow we are having our first annual "Nail party". We hired a nail technician and she is coming over and putting nails on all of us girls. I called and emailed friends I haven't kept in contact with because I was busy talking to the air and acted like I didn't need them. Too many excuses why we couldn't get together. Anyways, tomorrow we are having pizza, lots of candy, soda (Diet Pepsi) and we are going to use some of the acrylics I bought last year. I'm looking forward to it. I have missed being around my friends for a long time. I can't allow myself to get too busy and forget who has always been there for me. Turning my back on them is inexcusable and I'm glad they don't hold grudges. A girl really cannot have too many friends. I will post pictures.

Tonight David called me because he couldn't get the truck to start. He had tried to jump start it to no avail. I picked him up and brought him home. He was so bummed thinking it might be time to say "GOODBYE" tou our truck he felt as if we were losing a good friend. We have had the truck longer than most of our kids. It has seen us with the good, the bad and the ugly. Anyway, he came home, finished his paper for school and sat racking his brain.

We had just bought a new battery because the shop told us it only had 4o% left and maybe that was the problem he was having. Well, to make a long story short he put something on the cables in the inside that is supposed to be on the outside. He had Colton drive him back to town and wiped it off and viola... started right up. We can only accept one loss a week. LOL. I found this quote and thought it to be what I'm working on right now.

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

(That is a nice way for me to say "I'm better than that." Oh, I still think it, just don't say it. Eventually it goes away. Good thoughts replace the bad thoughts.)

It is Thursday again. Pearls before swine and acceptance

2009-03-26T13:06:00.001-07:00

Today was the big going to the grange day to get my shavings and dog food and the ever so cute pair of earrings. I walked past this sign and it bore truth. I pray for other peoples and should be praying to change myself. We have had some changes here lately and surprisingly I'm good with it. It is sure hard to let the kids go but sometimes depending on outside influences and choices it becomes easier on a parent. All we can do is pray for our kids and go from there. Ultimately it is their choices and even though we have more life experiences and we know our kids know better they still do what they do and then we have to sit back and support them and pray that God honors their desires. I'm looking so forward to my son, Chase and his fiance' to come up and spend a week. Yippee! I feel so close to Mory and it feels good.

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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My Wednesday!!

2009-03-26T00:49:00.001-07:00

Don't forget to see my puppies @ www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com
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I love my family.

2009-03-25T08:58:00.001-07:00

I don't want to get out of bed. Stayed up way too late playing board games. Never laughed so hard at charades. Oh and Logan is an incredible chess player. Going to make a pot of coffee and start the day out with coffee, my one true friend. LOL

This picture is one my brother took.
Www.pup4me.com

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WOW what a day!!

2009-03-24T18:18:00.001-07:00

Today has been a most relaxing day. I trimmed all my dogs toe nails, gave everyone their yearly booster shots. I have a new litter of PomChi's coming up, and a litter of YorkiChi's. I'm very excited about them. Things are starting to pop up in the yard. Yeah for Spring coming. More outside time.

We hired a contractor to work on the room in my house I ruined with the hose. Yes, I did flood it. Oh well, now we can't decide what to do with it. Office? Extra bedroom/Guest room? I have an idea, I can put all the shit on top of shit in there and get out of the hot water with my hubby for having too much stuff. Problem with that is that after I fill it up with shit where do I put the rest of the stuff?

Caiti has been keeping us all up to date with her East Coast travels. Tonight she is at the Washington Monument. She sent us a picture. I'm so thankful she is getting this opportunity to travel. She is taking hundreds of pictures. We are going to have a slide show when she gets back and a kicking ass BBQ. All the peeps are coming. David is going to grill steaks and shrimp. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. She is the sunshine of my day. In the past I have spent my time being busy with things of little consequence and she has been all but ignored. It's all "the damn strays" I bring home all the time. It is their fault. Not mine. LOL. Anyway, if you would like an invite call or email. I just want to say publicly that I'm sorry. I have always put other people ahead of her in importance in my life and I had no idea how hurt she was. Talk about putting your pearls before swine.

We are all in a state of transition here at my house. It is in these transitions where we learn who matters and who doesn't, where loyalties lie and about ourselves and our own personal need to grow and change and these changes challenge all the things we thought we knew. Repeat after me, transitions/changes are good. God is in charge and we just watch what he is trying to teach us because when we don't listen to Him, he talks louder.

Sometimes God takes away things that harm us. Sometimes he gives us more than we want. I hate this whole acceptance thing. I'm not good at it. I do forgive but I never forget. I think that is how most American's are. We are a selfish group of people who only think of ourselves and what we want instead of what is better for another person. Make sense? We only get to see things from our side, we don't see the "big picture." I am praying for acceptance this week and gratitude. I'm so thankful for certain things and forget to say thank you. When things suck I'm all over God. When he allows great stuff to happen to me or a family member I forget to be thankful. I am so thankful. I really am.

Colton helped me make a new web site. Take a look at it. I'm very proud of the job he is doing. It is not all the way done but I have enjoyed sitting next to him on the couch and watch him work his wonders. http://www.princesspetuniaspuppies.com/

Monday night

2009-03-24T00:33:00.001-07:00

Well it is Monday and I have been very productive. Made the most awesome chicken garlic mozzareli penne pasta. Might be better if I had some garlic bread too. Got some V8 from Costco and Lysol wiped. Big deal.

Below is the most beautiful macadamia white chocolate cookies with a little tad bit of Hershey candy bar on top. Eat your heart out. Kim, my sister, is out of the hospital again. Whew!!

Thanks for stopping bye. See you soon -- Post From My iPhone

IT IS THURSDAY! THAT IS WHAT MAKES MY DAD HAPPY!

2009-03-19T12:54:00.001-07:00

My father has no money to speak of. He can't really buy anything even if he wanted to. Yet every Thursday like clock work he starts at 5:30 in the morning asking if it is indeed Thursday. For you see, Thursday is "Nickle Day" in our house.

He reads EVERY SINGLE AD. Rv's, Cars, Pets, Trades, and Farm equipment. All day long he reads the paper. It is good that it keeps his mind busy but then I get to hear about all the good deals we are missing out on. My house is so full of shit now. My husband claims loudly that he builds me a new table and I pile "Shit" on it. Then I pile shit on top of that shit and so on and so forth. I have too much crap already. More than a person should have. I'm going to start going through decorations/seasonal stuff and taking them to the Good Will. I have too much stuff. He (my husband) is right. I have too much stuff/shit. Nickle day it turns out is the only day of the week where I'm sure I'm absolutely right on the day.

Caiti is leaving today for the East coast. I'm so excited for her. I mean I am practically peeing my pants for a child of mine going that far away and having an experience so great as she is doing. I went to North Valley High School at graduated in 1981. (Yes, I'm hecka old-already established) She is going with the Hidden Valley High School History club. She worked hard and earned so much money to go. She wanted to go and worked for it, that makes the trip that much sweeter. I'm also at the same time nervous to have a child THAT far away. What if something happens? I can't just jump in the car and run to her rescue. If she is sick and has to go to the hospital I can't be there. I will have to trust that God will be in charge. I know he is in charge all of the time but needs my assistance. Now isn't that too funny? God needs me for nothing and I'm learning to let things I'm not in control over back. Back? As if I had anything I was really in charge of. I am absolutely insanely in love with my kids.

Speaking of insane, I made a choice months ago to look into something/someone and it hurt another family greatly. I feel horrible about not trusting the adults decisions. Instead I put my nose where it didn't belong and have been dragging my feet about making amends. They were wrong with what they thought and these people are nuts, but I had no right to interfere. Oh wise and great Heather isn't so wise or great. Heather is just Heather.. Warts and all. Okay, not really any warts but growing age spots. Ick. Well, I gotta jump off because my daughter is coming home from school early so we can make sure she has all things ready. (Yes over zealousness is a ugly thing.) LOL

What is not said.

2009-03-19T11:48:00.001-07:00

Here is a tidbit I have learned in my old age. I'm really not THAT old.. somewhere between the good times and the bad times and the all done times. I believe I am more than half way done. What have I done with my 45 years?

Sometimes it is what is not said but you already know to be true that is the reality. Not trying to be esoteric here, just saying sometimes when things are true and they are not spoken it does not make them any less true. I'm sure if you have any age on you that you know what i'm talking about. Whenever I think evil or bad thoughts they have a way of finding me out. In my deeds or actions or lack thereof. When playing with the big boys you need to know the rules and sometimes age counts....a lot. Your unkind words always manifest themselves even with silence. There are big changes ahead for us. Big and scary changes. I'm going to roll with the punches this time, it ain't about me.

Thanks for stopping bye. See you soon -- Post From My iPhone

Liars, Hospitals, and my little list.

2009-03-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

Be thankful in all things. Be diligent in all endeavors. Being truthful and honest is it's own reward. Liars and cheats always expose themselves. If you are a liar and deceiver someone eventually let's you know. Pretending is even worse. Don't ever pretend to be that which you are not. Constantly try to be better. I have a personal philosophy I try to practice in my brain and that is about retribution. I always think to myself before acting out "I'm better than that/them etc." Whether it be a discourtesy to me, a mean or unkind word. I can always get you back but that makes me no better than you and then my personal motto is nothing. If I practice what I say then you will get yours but not from me. I'm not all into karma and all that bull shit. I do however believe in life sometimes you get yours but I'm not around to see. I don't want to see because when you get "yours" I will feel sorry for you as I am a sucker. A little deed here and another deed there all add up to something. Whether you are doing good or harm to another it all counts.

1. Don't steal from churches.

2. Don't lie to your family/boyfriends/girlfriends and anyone else you consider family.

3. At the end of the day, the family you are born to, is all you have left.

4. Dogs make the best friends. They will always love you unconditionally.

5. Never take for granted when God speaks. If you don't listen he talks LOUDER.

6. Don't shut yourself down to new idea's/people/relationships.

7. There is always a plan, most of the time there is no itinerary.

8. Your kids grow up and move away quicker than you know.

9. Hospitals suck! This one is self explanatory!!

Thanks for stopping bye. See you soon -- Post From My iPhone

Going home.

2009-03-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping they will let Dad come home tomorrow. I believe I know what has been going on with him and it isn't pretty or easily fixed. It requires a whole different lifestyle. I'm tired. I would like to sleep in my bed even if for just one night before my bed is the recliner in the living room. Ciao

Thanks for stopping bye. See you soon -- Post From My iPhone

I know what "IT" is I think.

2009-03-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Yes I'm awake. I'm more tired than awake.

This feeling is quite a queer feeling actually. Father seems more delirious this morning. He asks over and over if it is raining? He likes to hear the rain on our metal roof when it rains. He is babbling about this and that. He rested a little last night albeit not much. He does not like the hospital because he can't get comfortable in the bed. ICU beds are tough, as they have to be sterilized a lot. People die every day in here I think. He is back to wanting to rip everything off his body. Considering the fact he has 25 leads from here to there is the main thing he wants gone. He is buck naked except for a light weight sheet. When I say "Light weight" I mean so used up it is almost transparent. I think a transparent sheet tells you our state of economy...Poor. The room has to be kept so cold for him to be comfortable I sit looking out at the beautiful day that i'm not part of and am snuggled in the same blanket that Valentina liked and used. I made it, it is fleece, bright reds, purples and oranges.

I figured ”it” out. I will tell you how. In this unit you have to walk like 1/4 mile to use the restroom. Then you have to call on a phone every time to announce who you are, who you are here to see and wait to be allowed to come back in. (Why was it designed this way? No bathrooms in the patient rooms? I would sue the architect it is asinine not to have restrooms in the unit. It takes a whole employee to monitor ins and outs.) Anyhow, when I go out I'm usually going to try and stay out ten minutes because I feel embarrassed calling. Usually within this time frame another person will come out or another family will show up and use the phone and either way I can sneak in behind them without having to use the 'Please let me in phone'. This morning while I was in the “circling the door” mode I realized something.

When I was a very young girl (6) my dad had 67% of his body burned in a fire. He was a mechanic at the time and thought he had poured a cup of water in the cup he was carrying to the car that he was currently working on. A new guy had mistakenly put gasoline in the "water" jug and a spark from a car hit the cup and well the rest is history. I was the one who answered the phone when the hospital (my dad was admitted to) called and told us to come to the hospital as it was urgent. I got my Mom out of the shower and I don't remember much except the staff pushing across the desk all my dad's personal effects in a big manilla envelope. Giving my mom my father’s “Valuables” I instinctively knew was a bad thing. A very bad thing indeed. He was hospitalized for months. He was burned so bad. Back in the olden days they didn't have the burn patient knowledge they have now. Wherever he would sit or lay down on would stick to his exposed skin and each time he had to get up it peeled skin off. Agonizing screaming were what we would hear. They would amp him up on Morphine but were too afraid to give him enough. It was horrendous as a child to see and hear your father in constant and undeniable pain. I remember on Christmas morning that year, they allowed my Mom to bring him home for a whole hour. It was such a joyous day. I also remember being allowed to sneak into his room late at night. Kids were not to be seen nor heard. (This is not the “ah-ha” part- Just some background)

Now this is the epiphany, I realized it this morning. (Yes, I was in fact once again in the “circling the door” mode.) I was standing outside with a hot cup of coffee, complimentary dontcha know. It never tastes like much, but it is hot and the sign says does in fact say it is "coffee." I was watching the ER from the floor above and seeing the people in that unit who are really hurt, bleeding, barfing whatever and I feel sorry for them. This hospital is slow. What is slow you ask me now? I don't know. There is no time limit in my mind unless it is one of "my people" needing to be seen. Does that make sense? If it is one of "My people" it takes forever. If I'm observing from above the Emergency room all the workings below seem to be going at an even clip. As if it is as if all very fine tuned below. Triage than treat in order of patient need. Okay, still not to the point.

Yesterday when the ambulance came to my house to pick up my Dad (I have never called 911 before) and I heard the big engines roaring down my long driveway I freaked out. Not screaming, panicking, more like the direness of the situation. I think in my mind if the fire trucks and ambulance are called to come to your home it is somehow more serious. This time was no more serious than any of the other times I have had to bring him to TRCH except this time I'm tired. I couldn't even phathom the idea of trying to get him into my car to bring him here without help. I am spent. We (Colton and I) had to come through the front entrance to ER and not through the ambulance side. Once Colton parked the car and I pulled out my wallet, a book and both my phones each step that I took closer to the doors of the hospital was more agonizing than the one before. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. It wasn't like I was panting, singing, crying, screaming, feeling faint anything like that.

I realized that my mind and body did NOT want to be here. I hate this hospital. I know this hospital like an old friend. Last year I think I spent 15-17 days with my Father. My sister (to whom I do not speak) was in here for at least a week (bringing total hospital nights up to nearly 3 weeks) and I was here every second. Add my surgery and doctor/hospital visits and you see where I’m going. Hate the smell of antiseptic they use, hate the way my boots sound walking on the marble/concrete floors.

You see, a long time ago when I moved back to Grants Pass from Fort Bragg California my sister (Hope) and I pledged to never have to be alone at the hospital. When I lived in FB I didn't have any family so all emergencies were mine and David's alone. So when we moved back we made a pledge that whenever anything happened with one of my kids I'd call her and if anything happened to her kids I came no questions asked. To have a sister by your side meant you would get through it. I think that with us sisters we have had to cling to each other and try to be the Mom to one another. That calming face, the "you aren't alone" feeling. It means that to be a “Boulanger” you always have to come no matter the time of day… you go. It's just what being a Boulanger represents to each other. It is weird to speak of my maiden name always like it has it's own entity but it really does. Being a "Boulanger" is a special thing. Not many of us left. So, if you are "lucky" enough to be a Boulanger it means that you love with all you have, try to be friends with everyone, help others when they need it no matter what and come to the aid of your friends forever. We are fixers, doers. I hate to hear about anything I can't fix. Like the starving children, the women getting raped in other countries. I don't like to hear about it. Not because I am in denial that it happens but it makes me crazy that people in our country don't think we should get into other nations "civil rights." I am far from a woman libber. I'm not a "libber" at all. I just get so frustrated with things that are out of my control. OmG I’m a control freak.

Oh my gosh, I promised my epiphany and I regressed again. (The nurse just came in to give me my Dad report. We know no more than we did last night. Do we have to pay without a diagnosis?) Anyway, when I was a kid my Mom's Mom, Alyce was in and out of the hospital my entire childhood. We went with our Mother, trapsing behind her day after week after year. They would release my grandmother just to have to re-admit her the next week. Grandma Macy had cancer. They took out her bladder now she had to get a pee bad, they took out her colon now she has a poop bag. (I do know the medical terms for each but would rather keep it as what I thought as a child) My Mom and her sisters always showed up in force.

We kids were so acutely aware of the hospital it was like being home. We knew all the nurses, the doctors and they would even bring us homemade snacks from home. They brought board games and would bring us cold drinks. We would ride up and down and up and down in the elevators for hours to try and sheer off even an hour or so of daily hospital boredom. We began to visit the other patients there and began to feel like the hospital was ours. I can remember one year my Mom had planned a huge Luau with about 30 friends and right in the middle of her elaborate party we got "the call" and away we went to the hospital again, leaving all of her friends behind to enjoy the party.

I know, I know I'm still not to the epiphany. I realized that I have been built for this care giving from a young age. I have probably (actually know for sure) that I have spent more time in hospitals during my lifetime than in any church, any college classes, any trips to or from delivering dogs. I will never ask God again "Why Me?" As I realized with all assuredly that he built me for this. He made me who I am so I could do this. This gross terrible thing of being at the hospital all of the time means and represents to me.

I will accept, and I mean truly accept that this is where I belong. Why not me? I'm hating the realization but I realize this is ME. I hope I've put into words what I wanted to write. I wanted to see it in print that I am handing over my will to the great one. I am surrendering my doubts and feelings of "woe is me" and instead saying.... Let's roll. I always tease and say "I'm a doctor in real life" and most of the time I'm just kidding. Sometimes, I feel like I am a Doctor. (No not Doctor Kevorkian either)

My oldest sister, Kim called me last night. She had breast cancer in 2005 and has being fighting infection after infection since. We are talking deep and utter sickness and infection. The kind of infection that sends you to your knees.

Last month when I was up in Portland for Bonne (The little sister who just had a double radical mastectomy) we found out that Kim has developed "Cellulites" in one of her calves. I told her in all my "Doctor" reading that what she had was serious. Deadly serious. She still went to work and took "Care of her business" like she likes to say a thousand times a day. "You have to take care of your business". Back to last night. She has been on an IV that she keeps going day and night for two weeks. Last Monday they put in a picc line. That is right in the neck area. Well her Doctor phoned her last night and told her a nurse was on her way to Kim's house because the cellulitis has spread and she is worried sick about Kim. They are giving her IV Pushes now (I must have missed that class in med school) and if her cellulitis is not significantly better that she will have to be hospitalized again…AGAIN. She told me that she is tired of fighting all the infections related to the killer chemotherapy and radiation that burned up her complete immune system to which she has never covered fully. She is only 50 and has been wrought with infection after infection since her cancer. She did the chemo and the radiation and has had deep infections ever since then. I'm going to be 46 this September and Can't imagine being "too tired" to fight any more.

If I put toothpicks in my eyes could I fix the damage?

2009-03-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

I don't mean like poke myself in the eyes. I mean like to stay awake with toothpick eyelids?

I wanted to blog tonight. I'm too damn tired. Needless to say we are at the hospital again with my Dad. I have decided that he won't die. God knows what I can and can't handle and one death a week is more than enough. Keep good thoughts, if you are the praying type please keep me in your prayers. So far what we know is he had a heart attack, has a significant UTI and was extremely dehydrated. I'm more than tired. I still am not done grieving for Valentina. I'm just tired. Yesterday was the worst day of my entire life. I felt terrible. I mean terrible. I was mad at God, mad at anyone who didn't see things my way and didn't appreciate that which I do have. I will blog about that I promise. Suffice it to say I'm lucky to have what I have and oh I'm going to say this next thing even if tonight I'm doubtful of it. "IF God brings me to he will see me through it." I heard that from a friend and tonight I say Bull Shit. Tomorrow I may feel differently but hey, it is always about being real. Dad kept me up all night last night. Calling me to his room every five minutes. Ciao

Green beaded bracelets and sisterhood.

2009-03-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, this is indeed the Heather Christian you know and hopefully love.

I am in fact wearing long pants. Notice however the rebel in me still wore

my cowboy boots. I wore pants for Valentina. Oh, that is not a sacrifice Heather you are thinking to yourself. Big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I haven't wore pants in at least 10 years. Shorts/Skorts etc. Nothing on my legs even in the winter and even when there is snow on the ground. One of the only things Valentina asked me was if I would "Please wear pants to her funeral." How can I turn down a dying friend? I said "Sure" forgetting that I'm claustrophobic to pants. Heavy breathing, feeling enclosed, not able to get the fabric off of my legs etc. It felt weird. Really weird. I would have walked through fire for her so I reckon pants was a small promise to keep. If you think you will see me again in pants I have something to say... "Dream on."

The funeral was today. Thus the need for pants. It was a Catholic service. This was my first Catholic funeral. So different than anything I have been to before. Lots of sitting and standing with the pants rubbing against my legs. Sacrifice so small for a person so great. Sergio stood up at the end and thanked everyone for loving his mother as much as we all obviously did. I miss her here. I don't miss seeing the pain in her eyes, the fight that brought her to her knees, I miss the smiles.

****Green sisterhood bracelets****

The last smile that I saw was when Erica gave her and I all three matching green crystal beaded bracelets she had made. Bracelet sisters and she smiled and the whole room lit up. That was the last smile I saw. When I went to "View" the body of my dear friend the morticians had so thoughtfully left the bracelet on and made sure it was not tucked up under her lapel. I walked up and saw the bracelet glistening and it matched mine and I felt her love once more. I don't know what is to become of the green bracelets. I plan to wear mine until the beads corrrode off or it breaks. It is a reminder of how she touched my life. No, I'm not making it an idol, just a reminder.

Through out this whole thing we have had the best hospice nurses. Tiffany is the one that brought us the most comfort and knowledge. She made us feel at peace and comfortable with our endeavors. I can't thank her enough. It was scary at times and she was the calm voice on the other end of the phone. Thanks be to Tiffany. This is officially the last "Valentina only" blog. I feel at peace. I could not have taken such good care of her without Erica. Erica was there every step of the way. I thank God for Erica every day. I will miss Valentina, but today when I sat in my chair next to Erica (After changing my clothes of course) I felt at peace. I got to tell you, Peace is priceless.

With that I wish you ado.

It is finished. My God, she is gone.

2009-03-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is after eleven at night and I'm still up. I'm exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. I mean fully drained.

Erica and I sat in the room where Valentina lay in a coma and sang songs to her, prayed every prayer we could find on the Internet. We sang so many songs I practically know them all by heart. We sat on her bed rubbing her feet, massaging her legs and anointing her with oil. Hours spent helping her prepare to leave this earth. You know, something strange happened to me for all the hours spent on the end of her bed, I sang really loud not ashamed of my bad singing voice. I know that God doesn't care about my pitch, I sang with my heart. It felt good, actually a relief to be free with the songs as a final gift to my friend.

It is a relief she is gone, I know she is not suffering any more. Nothing is worse than watching it. She was a hero in my book. She tried so hard to keep upbeat, to not take medicine, to try and meditate out the pain etc. Oh, I also know it is not for me. Please keep me doped up. I'm a chicken and if it is my last days I don't want to be suffering

The main thing I found was about myself. When I ask the question "Why me?" whenever I am called upon to be a caregiver, I'm actually making it about me. This had nothing to do with me. When I try to figure out why me? I’m losing focus on what it is I need to be doing. I gave her that which she asked for.. a peaceful place surrounded by those that loved her. We did it. I promised her "together to the end." All my family members were not with me on this. It didn’t matter, I gave my word and I stood my ground. Everyone sacrificed. She had my all in all. I shouldn’t be made to be ashamed to do what I do and yet I’m always made to feel like I have done something wrong. Caiti sacrificed by allowing (actually I didn’t give her a choice) her to stay in her room and bunk with her brothers and Erica. She has never had to share as she is the baby and the only girl. I plan to repaint her room and get her maybe a new window.

When the people came from the mortuary to pick her up they came in a mini van. I imagined the hearse from days of old. He showed up in a purple van. A van much like my own. Now when I see a van I'm going to wonder if it is in fact a death van. If you have not heard a song by Michael W. Smith called "I can only imagine". You need to download it and hear it. It is the song I have heard in my dreams, in my wake hours as well. I know this blog is all over the place but I'm all over the place in my mind. i have to find some pants now. Valentina asked me specifically to wear pants to her funeral. That will be the last thing I can do to honor her. I feel like wearing a skort because it is me. Not me trying to be something else, I feel claustrophobic something fierce in pants. I mean terrible claustrophobic. Tomorrow I will be onto something else. So much has been happening with all things Princess Petunia. Thank you God for taking Valentina home. We are not in charge and thank you for the reminder that it isn’t about me and never has been. This might be my last blog about Valentina. I’m sure I have said more than you have ever wanted to hear. Pray for her…. And me.

Just another day in paradise.

2009-03-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

***March 2009***
Valentina got more flowers today. She was so pleased when they came. So many people love her. I hope and pray that someday my life/my choices will have mattered. Everyone is here for a reason and no one knows what their purpose is or if and when they fulfill the purpose.

Valentina and Erica today

I know in this life, I won't develop any cures for any illnesses. I know I have a small circle of friends and family that I can hope to impact. I hope when I'm gone people remember that I always do what I think is right. Even if it embarrasses me, I try to be better than I know myself to be. I know I won't come up with a super breed of dogs that are without health issues. I know a lot of things, but I also know that I really know nothing. I am just a cog in the wheel. I won't achieve anything heroic in my life time. I won't save my Country. I will know my biggest accomplishment is what I leave behind with my children and hopefully grandchildren. That is enough for me. Oh, and making the public aware that Oregon is God’s Country and then not letting them move here.

I used to think that I would like to know when it is my turn to die. Lately I have been thinking "not so much". I have seen the suffering, I have seen the shock and horror of it. We have been face to face lately and I would like to pass. I'm acutely aware of cancer like it breathes in my own nostrils. I had my breasts removed so I could give myself the "average" chance of developing breast cancer. I think dying in your sleep is the way to go. Vote me in on that okay?

You can read this article if you are curious.

http://www.oregonlive.com/special/index.ssf/2008/02/family_ties_boulanger_curse.html

The link above is a story that was written about my sisters and I that was published in the Oregonian by a very talented journalist and now friend, Julie Sullivan. Rob Finch took all the pictures and is an incredible photographer.

If you read the article You will know where I come from with all of this cancer crap. I'm not brave, I'm truly a coward. Afraid of the "C" word. Knowing that each day comes a chance my sisters or I will be forced to call one another with the news one of us has cancer. Every relative on my Mom's side is DEAD. All from Cancer and the most terrible part is it is carried in our genes. My family has sacrificed a lot. We have plans, us sisters. So hopefully God doesn't have other plans.

Seeing Valentina sit in the chair next to me, watching as her lungs go in and out all the while listening for the exchange of air in her lungs to be sure she is still alive. Her sickness is overtaking her now. She is looking more gone by the hour. I see heaven in her eyes. Simple things make her smile. I feel so sorry for her son. He is 22 and doesn't know anything really. He is smart but doesn't even know the questions he will want to know later on in life. God brought them to me as neighbors now we are together in the end. It is so wonderfully strange how God works through us to do what he needs to have done. We helped raise him and he knows we love him.

There is so much suffering.. more than I can see. There is so much in front of me now I sometimes think I'm not strong enough to go to the next hurdle. You know, every 2 hours I set my alarm to wake up so I can give Valentina a pain pill. When the little alarm rings it literally makes me ill to have to walk to the “that” room that houses her body. When I open the door ever so quietly I secretly hope she is still alive. (I hope she is still alive.) Why would I hope she is alive? She is suffering so bad right now. Why wouldn't I be praying for God to take her? I do pray for that but with each alarm my heart skips a beat. I think she is close to the end and yet I can't divert my eyes from her, I can’t help but to stare constantly at her. She is almost in a coma so I'm not being rude looking at her. I see Jesus when I look at her. Not the skeletal remains of what she is now, but the person and woman that she is. No poop/blood vomit today. Lots of spills and a little more gone mentally, but no barf. Thank you Jesus for that. She is closer to God with every breath. I can just sit and wonder what he is revealing to her.
Looking for just a hint of Him.

I can tell you that Valentina has made a difference in my life. I can see through her life what grace and love can do to a person. She knows how to pick good people to surround herself with. I think anything less would have been a disservice to her. She is so absolutely beautiful to me. I don't see her dying I see her living. I see her surrendering her will. I see angels when I look at her. All the nurses constantly comment on how beautiful she is and that she has such a beautiful aura and it emanates from her body even in this weakened condition. Taking care of her, feeding her, attending to her needs has made me a better person. I have had these long hours of sleeplessness that I have been quiet and had time to listen to the still small voice. I get so busy and hurried in my daily life that I barely sit still. I pray and then set about fixing things etc and never sit back and listen for the answers. So conceited am I. I have to listen very carefully I realize otherwise my own thoughts and ways are all I can hear.

I haven’t been to church in years. I quit going because I am lazy. I would rather sit in my chair and sip coffee and listen to the Pastor out at the Applegate Christian Fellowship. Jon Courson is a gifted teacher. I can't leave my dad and it is the only day I don't have to be on TV so to speak. I can wear my pajama's all day long and not have to put on the "Heather show". It seems so lame when I put on paper that I'm too lazy to be thankful to Christ enough to go to Church. Was raised a Mormon and had to go to church, had to wear a dress, etc. Now, I know God doesn't care what I wear, doesn't care if I put on a dress he is just happy to see me when I make myself available.
What a thought.

Angels are everywhere. They are in my house preparing...

2009-03-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

Heaven is just a blink away.....

Today has been a terrible day. Valentina is sicker than ever. She decided that day before yesterday she was feeling "so much better" so she refused her nausea medicine and anxiety/smooth muscle relaxant pills. Yesterday evening she started to barf. Not any ordinary barf (I know, barf is anything but normal under any circumstances) it was actual feces and blood. I don't know what I expected when the hospice people did their whole "Why you want to die at home" presentation. They mentioned that there might be some blood, maybe they mentioned vomit too. Never in the same sentence and certainly not together. I smell death. It doesn't smell good yet I know God is preparing her for her final destination. I wonder... I wonder so much. Watching someone go through this is a harrowing, eye opening, life appreciating journey.

You know the thing about Valentina is she is braver than anyone I have ever had the opportunity to know. Everyone kept telling her to pray to be healed, to pray for strength, to keep fighting the fight and all along she was already doing that. She has had to endure more than anyone I personally know in her life. She sacrificed everything to give her son the "American Dream." She is from the Ukraine and isn't all "Americanized". She is a pure soul, not jaded and nasty. You know she only sees the good in people, never talks nasty, refuses to believe the bad. I know two people that you see God in them all of the time. I mean that...I only know two people who I think are going straight to Heaven. You don't wonder what lies behind their eyes, what motives they have. Valentina is one of those people David's dad is the other person. Honest purity.

You know, when my mom died I remember one of the last things she told me. We were all sitting around the kitchen table, her cheeks were so sunken in and she was quite emaciated as she could keep nothing down and even had difficulty talking and she leaned forward to me and said: "Heather, I would give everything I have ever owned to be hungry just one more time. Just to have anything sound good to me to eat". My Mom would have been willing to give up every earthly possession for the one basic need in life... to eat. That brings back the reality of "You can't take it with you." I think at least I have learned that lesson from my Mom. I don't put a lot of value in "things". If you spill milk on the couch just wipe it up. I don't get mad about accidents. If I have something you want you can probably have it. Things don't matter to me. When you look at life as one great journey it falls short for some people. My Mom died too young, she was only 45. I'm 45 now and am not even close to being ready. I want grand kids, I want more memories. I want... I want it all. I miss my Mom terrible and going through this with Valentina is quite a horrifying experience.

Valentina is at peace with what she is going through. She has said what she needs to say, has said what she wants to say and now sits and rots all the while keeping her spirits up. Every once in a while she will look at me with the look of desperation and tell me "I'm ready to die and be with God". Why am I not ready for her to go? I see her body disintegrating before me and it sickens me to see that such a wonderful person could be made to rot from the inside out. Her muscles are disintegrating and rotting. Why is it that the truly evil and terrible people gets to die in their sleep? Gets a quick painless death? I am struggling with the most incredible headache right now. I'm telling you a bad one. I think maybe waking up every 2 hours to medicate her is affecting my REM sleep. It can't be that I have not had enough caffeine today. That would make me have to admit that I'm addicted to it.

When I die, if I can't eat or drink I have instructed all the kids to chop up steak and stick it between my teeth and when the morticians come they are to find me with steak stuck in my teeth and a shrimp hanging out my mouth. Oh yah, also MUST be holding a diet Pepsi. LOL.

I know my latest blogs have been so depressing but that is where I am. My dad is the least of my worries. He is actually being a good boy and I appreciate it. He notices the change of the mood in the house. He has risen to the occasion and is so much less demanding. He was jealous at first and now realizes that he can share my love.

I feel so ashamed to admit this next part but feel like in order to be honest I need to put it on here so I see it with my own eyes. When Valentina asked me to take care of her I selfishly said to myself over and over "Why me?" I was feeling so sorry for myself because I always find myself taking care of people. I felt ashamed to admit it. (When she asked me I told her "Yes it would be my pleasure".) We pledged to each other "Together to the end." I have seen her eyes light up a few times. When I ask her if she wants the special Guayaki Orange blossom tea she has learned to love and then tonight when Erica made us three matching bracelets. I think this last smile and eyes glistening with glee is going to be her last. I think tomorrow she will be in a coma. I'm not a doctor even though I act like I am. She is jsut so weak. Almost too weak to walk. Can't hardly stand to see her. No one else is here so I'm considering this my last present to her. She loves being at my house. She finally sees why her son, Sergio loved it at my house. It is a family. a crazy, loud and sometimes vulgar group of people coexisting in one house. We love him. I love him. I hope he leans on us when he is ready to surrender the reality too. We love each other so much. We are a real American family and she wishes... well she wishes too late.

I woke up one morning and realized I knew why I am always the one being asked to be the caregiver, and that it is an honor to be trusted with someones life. Someone else in this world trusts me to help them enter the next phase. To have the confidence in me enough to ask me to be with them is enormous. It iss HUGE. I mean I realize it is h.u.g.e. I feel like it is such an honor. I know I have switched gears here but instead of asking myself "Why me?" I had an epiphany and realized "Why not me?" God has put me in the position that makes me available to help others. I feel bad that I always have to go with the first thought. Why me?? I wish I could just grow up and accept my place in the world. I'm a caregiver. Been prepared for it my whole life.

I planned to be a doctor when in college. Actually not finishing college is my most secret regret. I could be a doctor right now. I would never be happy being a nurse, I would want to be in charge of the total patient not the one taking the orders. Then if you think about it on a different level doctors have to make such hard decisions, everyone expects them to have all the answers and yet they fall short so much of the time. I would hate it because I like exacting things. You know A+B=C. Not so many variables and peoples lives in my hands. I think the amount of stress involved would make me nuts. I like dogs. I love dogs. I think the world is a better place because of dogs. I have 4 laying on me right now making it kind of difficult to type. (Big smile here).

My Toshiba is broke now. Luckily I have the Hewlitt Packard back up. Am I hard on electronics?? Why do my cell phones break so much? So much difficulty. That is it for now. I'm not going to second guess everything any more. I'm going to trust that God is in charge of when, how and what with Valentina. If anyone reads this... if I have cancer (sure I do-seems like it lurks everywhere) keep me doped up. Doped up good.

I'm entertaining angels? Yes I am.

2009-03-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

No one needs to start off telling me how lame I am at keeping things posted, but I haven't had the time. When I'm down in the trenching I can't see too far beyond my noise. This writing will be of wild and wonderful of tangents, and probably won't make sense to everyone/anyone. I reckon i'm just writing for me. I need to vent.

All is good in the dog world.

My dogs are healthy; nothing weird and I thank God for that.

My plate is full already. What do I mean by that? My Dad is still being ornery as ever. He is crushing my spirit. Yes, I will die first. Yikes! With that being said, I think I should say I love my dad. He just is so mean and unappreciative. Nothing is ever right, not hot enough, not cold enough, too much ice, too little ice etc. You get the picture. Lots of people take care of unappreciative people and i know that it doesn't make me special or have a certain privilege to complain. I hope I'm teaching my children that when our generations get old they don't throw us away. We care for our own families. Except none of my sisters or brother will take my dad. I say "We are better people than that" and go about my day. Sometimes (depending on the amount of sleep I have been allowed to have) I'm actually thankful for the opportunity to be with him. He is mean but I know he loves me. Does that mean I wear the pork chop? He did something right because he is clean, well fed and sassy. One of my kids better belly up to the bar when it is my turn to be old. I will be a nice old person. I know the difference first hand. When he dies I am a real orphan. I'm old enough to understand all of this but sometimes when I am so weary I lose my focus.

**Valentina is a friend**

14 years ago my mean, old neighbor married a woman from the Ukraine who had a son. He was 8 when they moved in next door to me. They spoke no English. We home schooled our children and he learned everything right along with the kids. I love him as if he is my own. Well, we moved out to the country and away from the mean neighbor and his wonderful wife when their son went to college. A few months ago I find out he has divorced her and she is dying from stomach cancer. What a bastard right? It doesn't stop there. She is dying. There is nothing that can be done for her. You know what? I have never heard her shed a tear for herself. Not one. Of course I'm not with her 100% of the time but she has been so kind, appreciate and makes me actually happy to help her. Does that sound weird? I'm enjoying taking care of a dying woman? She is strong, stronger than I would ever be. I would cry and feel so sorry for myself. All the things I would miss out on. The grand kids, the graduations etc. She is weak.. so weak and yet she still tries to do everything for herself. She is just a skeleton now. Nothing but hanging skin on bones and it hurts me to look at her. At the same time I can't stand not to have her in my sights in case she needs something. Not everyone in my life has been happy with my decision to care for her until the end. I don't care. Now that is weird for me as I tend to be the consummate people pleaser. Taking care of her makes me feel loved some how. I see it in her eyes. I hear it when she calls me into her room at three in the morning because she wants to hold my hands and thank God for me in her life. Those things count to me. They count a lot. When my own Mom died I lied in the hospital bed with her as her life was slowly taken from me. I am not wanting to have regrets in my life. I make choices before I consult my immediate family and God knows my heart. I don't understand why I get called in such ways. It is not like I'm out looking for "strays" or people to care for. God brings them to my door. I just... I don't know. Valentina's friends came in number to see us (really her) when she was in the hospital the last time and her other friends have blessed me. She has the most excellent friends. Real women of God. Not phonies, but women who when they say that they are praying for her I believe them. You know, when people say "Oh, I'll pray for you" you wonder if they really will. These women (her friends) are incredible. God blessed her with such wonderful women in her life to make up to her for having such a (I want to type "evil" but can't bring myself to say that word) mean, selfish totally money loving man. Everything to him is about the mighty dollar. Sad, as someday he will have to answer for his behavior. Yikes! Does it sound like I'm judging him? I totally am, that way I don't have to look at me.

I think this blog is rambling along even more that I imagined when I started out because I didn't realize where I would go with it. God. All I can say is God. When I'm up really, really late with my Father and Valentina it is almost like I feel his presence in my life. I feel like he knows what I'm doing and thanks me in the wee hours of the morning. I haven't told any of my business associates of my care giving. I feel ashamed. Like they will judge me. What will they judge me on? Like I'm a patsy? A waste? A person who doesn't say "no?" I don't know why it is. I didn't even realize that I hadn't not told people for a reason. Am I ashamed to take care of the ill? am I afraid to look weak in the minds of my business associates? Now instead of being blessed by this I'm feeling ashamed of myself again. I am empowered when I help someone get what they want and don't what. We cutely call it "Mom is the facilitator" for Valentina.

Guess that is it for now except to say Erica has been such a blessing to me. When I'm totally stressed out or scared by Valentina's pain she comes into the room behind me and assures me I'm doing all the medications right, I'm doing the right stuff, Valentina really is that weak. When I am broken she comes in behind me and reminds me what a privilege it is to care for someone else. Hopefully if Cody marries her she will know how to take over the "Care giver" role. I don't want to go to a nursing home.

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

2008-11-27T00:19:00.000-08:00

So, it is Thanksgiving already and I'm still up. No, I'm not fretting over what to make, how long it takes to prepare, how high to set the heat or if everyone who is coming over will have a good time. Instead I'm sitting up looking at my new cowboy boots. That's right, I got new cowboy boots tonight. I'm sure I must be such a sight. A middle aged old woman wearing shorts, a Iam Jacket followed along with cowboy boots clunking about. Today (actually yesterday) was a bit tense at times. Lots of drama. I wish that things would settle down with the way people treat and act towards one another. No one knows when their ticket will get punched and it is time to leave this earth. I find it hard to believe that someone can be a Christian and believe in Christ and then things don't go their way and they decide Buddha is the way. It is not that I have anything against Buddha beliefs, I'm ignorant about them actually. I just don't understand other people's choices. Sure glad that I'm only responsible for me and my kids and how I have trained them up. Changing subjects here.
The puppies are so cute. I have the most adorable little CavaChi's, they are so sweet. They are my favorite hybrids. The kids are getting excited to have me gone for 2 days in Portland. I have many babies to deliver and love when I get to make people's life enhanced with one of my babies.

Hey Heather, do you got any coffee?

2008-11-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

This is shouted out to me every time I dad is between sleep stages. Midnight, 4 am, 2 am, Noon, it doesn't matter the time. He wants coffee. The funny thing though is that he wants what he wants when he wants it. I can see the parallel between child and later aged adults. Dogs are selling great. I love it when people call and appreciate the hard work that goes into them. I'm doing a lot of stuff on line lately and I find the further in you delve the more interesting it gets. NO you doubters, I'm not getting into anything satanic, pornographic or disgusting. Just the amount of information is overwhelming. I mean it, you can find anything anywhere. I also downloaded Google Chrome. What an awesome program. You start typing and it's only job is to find what you are looking for. I have to get my dad that coffee, he is needing his third cup and it is the "nickle" day. Thursdays are the days he gets his special paper. OMG calling for a third time in this short amount of time. I'm a fast typist too.

I'm emarrassed by the time lapse in entries

2008-11-11T19:45:00.001-08:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged here. Seems like the main times I want/need to blog is when I'm stressed/pissed or confused. Wonder what it is this time?? Let's see. I just re-read the blogs I posted and I sound so mean and ugly. I'm really not. I would say I'm more blunt. Straight to the point blunt though. I could say my dad is a hard man to take care of. I can say I got help with him now. I can say that things are so much better now with someone helping me. My husband did get his Bachelors degree in September. He got it in Business Administration. He is now working on his Masters degree. I'm tired. As usual I'm tired. He works 12 hours a day for "the man" and then comes home and starts his homework/assignments etc. Hardly see each other. I'm complaining. That is why I'm here today. I want to complain about my husband and his "selfish" desire to improve his families living situation. Isn't that utterly crazy? Selfish? I"m sure he doesn't like being stuck working at home and at his job. Well, to be truthful he doesn't do ANYTHING at the house. There are no "Honey do" lists. Honey do is me I have learned after all these years. When he takes a vacation he does things around the house but during the other times there is not a dish done, not a load of laundry (He does wash his own white shirts because I was "staining" them in the wash). He doesn't vacuum, make phone calls or sweep. He comes home from work, works on the computer and then goes upstairs and veg's out to the TV in preparation for the next exciting day of "same old shit". I suppose if I was him I could complain about me. Heck, I would be good at it too. It's that bluntness about me dontcha know? (Yes I know "Dontcha" is not a "real" word but when I say it or type it I feel like a southern Belle)

I love every show involving judges, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, General Hospital, Cesar Milan, Animal Planet, Brothers and Sisters, Lost, House and anything to do with operating. I like that in Oregon there is NO SALES TAX. What the price says is what it actually costs you.

I'm thankful for the friends I have. I'm also interesting enough to have some people not be friends any more. You need weeding out some, gaining new ones. Some friends are my forever friends. I turned 45 this year. Certainly not any sort of milestone but with each new year comes new nuances and new awarenesses. I have realized that in my 45 years I have about 5 really good true friends. Those 5 will be there at my funeral, helping to support my family and I know in my heart they love me. OH, don't get me wrong, there are always conditions for friendship. I think everyone has conditions. EVERYONE. You have to figure out if the unspoken conditions are worth the cost of the friendship. Now, I know I'm going to have people say I'm a pessimist etc. Think long and hard about it. I have. And for me that is my truth. I love that I can be who I am and some people like me. I'm just an average/regular Joe. No, you politicians I'm not Plumber Joe. I'm not Joe Smoe. I'm just ordinary. How sad. In my mind I'm extraordinary. I can do every job, run marathons and fly planes. It is a good thing I lose keys because if anyone here were a pilot I would try to fly the plane. No, I'm not having dreams of grandeur.

I wonder if he is sleeping?

2008-05-08T21:40:00.001-07:00

Yes, It has been one hell of a day and I'm feeling more and more screwed by the day. My dad is taking every free minute and every minute all day and night. He starts calling me every morning at one and keeps going until well past 8. Fix my pillow, I need a breathing treatment, Fluff my pillow, cover my feet, uncover my feet, pick up something I dropped. I'm too hot, I'm cold now etc. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm damn tired. I called my dad's worker and asked to have some help. Apparently I'm making the most I can and now I have to write a letter (Very detailed) explaining why it is I need some help. At this point I'm feeling like.. "Great, take him".

I don't want my dad in a nursing home, I have done all in my power to keep him home I just need help. Now tonight I'm tired as hell and have to try to put together a fucking letter to some pompous bitch who can weigh it and decide my and my father's future. Pisses me off something fierce. I like dogs. Dogs make my life bearable. They love me unconditionally.

Now, I find out today that my old neighbor, Sergio's Mom has stomach cancer and the doctors give her 6 months. Usually I think doctors are so full of shit. With her they put a scope down her throat, saw the cancer was everywhere and told her bye bye. Speaking about doctors being screw asses. I have recently this week found out that my "wonderful, carefree, fun and easy" expanders have been "compromised". That is really a nice way of saying to me that I have been poking holes in my tit's every week injecting sodium hydrochloride into them and then they have been leaking out little by little. Hey, at least it is good to be me. NOT!! So, after much consideration I have decided to take out my fucking expanders and live my life as a flat bitch. No tits!! No more operations for me. I'm tired. Did I already mention I'm tired? Drained really. My tits drained into my body and now I'm just tired. I found out just recently that when you get the "fake tits" you have to remove and put new enhancements every 7-10 years. I'm not wanting a lot of surgery. No more than I've had now. I'm just so pissed that the doctor is having me come up Tuesday (4.5 hours each way) so he can counsel me. Then wants me to wait until Thursday, drive my fat ass back up there once again and then decide my fate. What an arrogant asshole. No consideration to the fact I'm almost 45. Don't care about the tits anymore. If my husband doesn't care and has been telling me for months to let them go why should I? No more bra's. That is right. No bra's. No shoulders hurting, more flexibility and hey... How can I possibly think about so many surgeries? Who will take care of my dad? He is full time and 24/7. I wonder if he is sleeping right now. I'm going to go wake him up. Bye

Do you have a purpose?

2008-04-26T21:34:00.001-07:00

Well today was spent painting my dad's room twice. Erica picked out a color that looks like melted chocolate mint ice cream. Made me sick to look at it. I mean physically ill. So, after we painted the second coat of ick we realized it was not going to darken and change colors magically and we could stand it. Nope. Off to Walmart we go. Now we painted it cream and chocolate. It looks so much better. Now David has been working on the flooring all night. We should be ready to go by tomorrow as far as touching up the paint and getting things semi ready. I'm not planning on doing anything as far as furniture until the hospital bed gets here and the hoyer lift on Monday. He was moved from one room to another today. Now he does not need a "sitter" and has been put into the main hospital population. This means he is improving. He is a true miracle. Wonder what his purpose in life is. There must be a purpose. Shouldn't there be a purpose? Don't we all have a purpose? Ah, the great question of life. I miss my friends. I miss my old life. I miss my dad.

Move along.. Nothing for you to see here.

2008-04-25T19:11:00.001-07:00

Today I am totally wasted. TOTALLY WASTED I tell you. Spent my morning getting new flooring for my dad's room. Last night the boys and their friends pulled everything out of his room and then pulled out the carpet and padding. We burned his mattress. You know the mattress I just bought him less than a month ago. Smelled horrid so it had to go. Now, on Monday I have a hospital bed coming, a hoyer lift and a heavy duty potty chair. I'm feeling a bit anxious about this decision. I want to be able to care for him, but if he requires 24/7 or a lot more care than I am already doing he may have to go to a (gasp) nursing home. Then if I put him in one of "those" facilities I will feel guilty if I don't go and sit with him a couple of hours a day. This way the CNA's will know he is loved.

I sent a letter to the administators of this hospital today as well as the supervisor of all nurses. I can't believe some of the staff here. Assholes. Need a wake up call. Probably won't hear back but feel better having expressed myself. I called the administation office and they told me they "couldn't" give me the top guys email address. I started asking if it was the hospitals policy or his private policy not to be in contact with patients or their families. Ha, 4 minutes later my "friend" in administation said she had gained permission to give me his email address. What total and complete horse shit. I'm not going anywhere. I live here. Wouldn't willingly be admitted to the hospital. All the kids know if mom has to go to this hospital, "Sew me up and ship me to Portland". I'm not a hospital snot, it is just that I want a doctor who see's more than 3 patients a day and one that has patients who are actually under 75 years old.

We (Mostly Erica) scrubbed my dad's bathroom spotless, she painted it, got a shower curtain, towel holders etc. Now my dad will only use it for a shower. We now have 3 bathrooms for everyone to use. No one would use my dad's when he used it because of the leakage. It is kind of nice having a bathtub after 4 years.

I'm hoping that the nurses coming out 2-3 times a week the first couple of weeks home will help me make any adjustments I need to make in his care. I'm actually scared of this new venture with him. He has not stood on his feet for even one minute since his arrival a week ago today. Weakness. My weakness too. Why is it I always end up taking care of the infirm? What? Why me? I told everyone here Gramps is the last. Someone else can stand up to the plate after him. Someone else can take on the burden of the ox. I can't remember right now the saying, but you get the drift.

Now we are going to paint Dad's bedroom and start putting down new plywood to the places that are ruined in the floor due to piss. Piss=peeing where it isn't supposed to be. UGH. I hope this blog seems rude, I just am so tired. Emotionally, physically and mentally. I haven't done a lot besides follow the staff around and watch everything they have done to my father. I have questioned everything and asked "Why?" . Bet they will be glad to see me go as well. It is hard to be rude/mean/short tempered when the patient's family up your ass watching everything. I think it is the best way to get good care.

Dad is out of CCU

2008-04-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

Well today my dad is better. Go figure. I'm so sick and tired of (every day since Friday) the doctor's telling me he is "not doing well," "Not expected to make it". Perhaps we should talk feeding tubes. OMG. Then last night I made the "executive decision" and had them take off the mask (that is kind of like being intubated.) It forces air in and out of his lungs without the tubes. He was going crazy screaming and yelling with the mask on and it was about 3 AM and he was in restraints. Want to see heart break? Watch a loved one be restrained in hand restraints and then sit back and have to watch. Want to watch in horror as your father screams and sobs? He is very claustophobic. Bad disease. Well, I knew the mask was making him so crazy. Then add that to his hands being restrained and it makes for a sick time. So back to what I was talking about in the beginning of this. About 3 AM I decided I had watched my dad struggle with his restraints and scream his last words to me. We took off the mask and just put him on the nasal canula. He started to relax right away. Within a few hours he was speaking. Not coherently, mumbling quite a bit but still makes enough sense to be able to hear him call me a "Shit ass". Ha.

You know yesterday when he was lucid (about 10 hours after the feeding tube was discussed) we took off his breathing mask he sat up in bed and told me "I told you no intubation". I said "Right dad, didn't do intubation, you had a mask on". He thought for a minute and said to me and directly to me with direct eye contact "I thought you loved me?" I was shocked at this question. I do everything for him, little asshole. "I said Dad, I have not left you side since you got into the hospital" Little pause and then he said "Then you need to respect me." He was talking about the breathing machine. I was so happy that he made his wishes known to everyone. He is absolutely back. The doctor just came in (1 of the 3) and said it is a real miracle my dad. He was telling my Dad he didn't think he would make it through the night and was feeling sad for his family. Then much to his surprise my dad was up sitting in the bed and talking. I also told the people to quit doping him up. They were giving him 100mg of Haldol, xanax, alprazalam, and something I can't remember. I asked the doctor numerous times why so much medications? Worried about the build up? ETC.

Here is another thing I have been thinking/wondering about. Why is it that now that my dad is in the hospital everyone comes every day to see him. I'm telling you, I can not believe the people coming every day. These same people are crying all over my dad when they think his day is numbered. In reality, these same people have not been out to see my dad, sit and chat, take to lunch, call on the phone etc. Hope especially gets me. She has been here 2 of the nights he has been here. She sits and reads books while I take care of my dad. I think she is pretending she is not here or she is on vacation from the kids. When she does actually stand up she wrings her hands acting all concerned and tells me what to do. Unbelievable. I guess I should just be glad she is here sometimes so I'm not always alone. The other morning when we thought he was going to die I was left standing all alone. Standing freaking alone. I called Hope, no answer, Serina's cell went straight to voice mail. I finally called David at work and had him come and sit with me until the troops arrived. This experience has really left me bewildered.

My dad is crazy sick!!

2008-04-22T22:28:00.001-07:00

My last remaining parent is in CCU. It is a crazy phenomenon when you are facing the bleak outlook of becoming an orphan at the young age of 25? Okay, those of you who know me know that I'm a wee bit older by say... 19 years older than 25. You mathematically challenged should know that means I'm nearly 45 and will be parent less. I'm sad beyond words. I still have tons of people calling about puppies etc. I usually am so enthusiastic about talking dog. I can't fathom the idea of talking dogs. I have the most beautiful puppies born and I can not think about them.
The picture you see is of me and my Dad and sister at Red Robin.
Thursday he started coughing, like he had caught my cold. I have been sick off and on this past month. I'm blaming the anesthesia for anything that ales me for the first 3 months. I only blame the anesthesia because that is what the others tell me. I don't know, I could be getting sick more often.. IE. colds, coughs, head aches etc as rigor mortis is knocking on the back door. I'm half way to the other side of the daisies myself. When you are forced to sit and watch someone you love die it sucks hard. Not a good way to remember a loved one, but no one wants to die alone.

Anyways, back to last Thursday, he started coughing hard. Coughed all night and he coughs loud. I kept asking him why he was making such a racket. By Friday morning I could not decipher a blood pressure or figure out where his lungs were. I did not hear wheezing. She a tightness. Thank you Jesus one of the home care nurses called and was able to come in to my house right away and she could not get a blood pressure on him either. So, luckily Colton was home and was able to help me bring Grandpa to the ER. We were in the ER less than 15 minutes before they had him upstairs in Critical Care Unit. Yikes. Today is, I think Tuesday. When you are in the hospital realm all the days blend together a bit. You know, I'm not trying to trivialize other peoples struggles just to explain what I am doing when I'm doing it. My dad has all night been begging me to untie him. When I did he pulled out his IV and the nurses don't like to have to redo work. Who would really? Certainly not me. I feel another long, long night ahead for me. I'm dead dog tired. I hope he will sleep a little this night instead of keeping me awake all night and then he gets to sleep all day. If that happens I may go home and take a shower. I wonder how many days deodorant is supposed to last? Ha. I'm so funny. I think it is actually turning into delirium. I started typing this at around 9 pm and can't remember what I typed previously. Kind of being on drugs myself except none of the fun and all the raging headaches. Man. Peace out.

What's up with Heather??? DNA sucks sometimes.

2008-04-21T18:18:00.001-07:00

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Facing Fatal GenesNorthwest families and scientists are combating DNA defects to keep women at high risk of breast and ovarian cancer from ever getting the disease.
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The Boulanger Curse
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The Boulanger Curse
Four Oregon sisters wage war against a gene mutation that puts them face to face with the cancer that killed their mother and threatens their daughters and sons
By Julie Sullivan

The Oregonian

Heather Boulanger Christian winced, chest aching. Eleven days after surgery, she pulled a sweat shirt over her bathrobe, slipped on Crocs and stepped bare-legged through Grants Pass snowdrifts to reach a family baby shower.

Audio Slideshow - Heather Christian talks about why she chose surgery and shares her experience with it. WARNING: This slideshow contains some graphic content. Heather Christian says she shared her story with The Oregonian to help others. You can email her directly about her experiences at heatherbchristian@gmail.com A message from Heather:
Pacifier-shaped balloons bobbed as sisters, aunts and cousins celebrated the latest Boulanger baby girl.
Heather, better than most, knew just what that meant.
After the gifts, Heather willed herself to her feet and drew five nieces into a bedroom. She opened her robe.

Two incisions sliced the pale skin where her breasts used to be. Black thread pulled the puckered skin tight. Under each arm, bloody fluid pulsed through drain tubes into small canteens tucked into her waistband.
"This," she said, "is what you need to know."
Every family propels its peculiarities forward. The DNA that delivered them red hair, porcelain skin and statuesque shapes also carried a defect, like a mistyped password or a misdialed call. The mutation could cause other cells to grow out of control, causing cancer. Who carried it was random. When it became obvious, through tumors, was unknown. But long before scientists identified the breast-cancer gene, Heather and her sisters were convinced that a malevolent force was at work in their family: The Boulanger Curse
—
To be a Boulanger means there are just four hours and 20 minutes between a call for help and a sister at the door - the drive time between Heather Christian and Hope Sonney in Grants Pass and Kim White in Molalla and Bonne Anson in Vancouver.
"We are," Kim, the eldest, says, "all we've got."
Cancer had killed their grandmother and was claiming a young aunt when their mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 44. By 45, the vivacious Bonne Boulanger was dead.
Heather recapped the sad history at every doctor visit only to be reassured that cancer was caused by many genes interacting with many environmental factors.
Then in 1991, Heather's small-town doctor handed her research upending that notion. Scientists at the University of California at Berkeley had in 1990 located a gene for early breast cancer. They'd studied 23 families rife with the disease - including one family from Fort Bragg, Calif., where Heather then lived. A second study confirmed the link to ovarian cancer.
The exact gene had not yet been identified, and no test yet existed, but Heather's doctor urged her to have her ovaries removed. Heather carried the news to her sisters, ages 21 to 34.
All were married, all with children. Surgery would end their childbearing and thrust them into early menopause and the roller coaster of hormone replacement. But memories of illness travel through families like wedding photos and Grandma's china, from generation to generation. The Boulanger girls recalled not only the bunk beds and Black Angus cows of their Grants Pass girlhood, but also hospital beds in the living room, black vomit, the death rattle.
One by one, each had her last baby and then a hysterectomy.
Thirteen years later, on Memorial Day weekend 2005, Kim felt a lump in her right breast. She dropped to the tub's edge and cried. "I thought," she said, "that we'd saved ourselves."
—
Every other week, Heather left her husband, four teenagers and nursery of puppies to take her sister to chemotherapy, a three-day ordeal wrapped around a 10-hour drive. "If it had been 100 hours," her husband David said, "Heather would still go."
Heather was the fixer. She covered debts, settled fights and launched the "gimme" - when a family member was guaranteed one special favor a year. She moved her dad into their home when the senior Boulanger became severely ill from diabetes.
She carried two cell phones, juggling calls about her latest Chihuahua or Pomeranian puppies, available 24/7, talking up to four hours a day. "You buy a dog, you buy a piece of Heather," her sisters would say. She had her own style, too: athletic shorts paired with the flashiest rhinestone bracelets and rings. Her personality was equally sparkly. When chemotherapy nurses limited her to five-minute visits, Heather befriended other patients so she could stay near Kim.
"There's rules," she'd say, "and then there's Boulanger rules."
Kim, who works the customer service desk at the Oregon City Fred Meyer, had already had one breast removed when her oncologist ordered a genetic test to determine the next step. Only about 10 percent of breast cancer is inherited, but for those people it greatly increased not only the risk of breast cancer at a young age but also of having it in both breasts. Kim had a simple blood test, and the sisters drove together to a Portland geneticist to hear the results.
Kim had the gene mutation. The BRCA1. The most common breast cancer gene mutation.
She wept, unable to ask a single question. With three children, she felt "like I've passed along this death sentence."
But Heather, dry-eyed, fired questions.
She learned that all the sisters and their one brother should be tested. If they had the defect, each of their children had a 50-50 chance and should be tested, too - even the boys, who had an increased risk of prostate cancer and could pass the mutation to their daughters.
But what if she didn't? Could she live with the guilt? The randomness?
One by one, Heather and her sisters were tested.
All had it.
"We're four sisters with totally different lives, eating habits, exercise habits and way of life, and it still got us," Heather said.

The Boulanger Curse.

From the moment Heather knew her results, she called her sisters to discuss having their breasts removed. Some people relied on more frequent mammograms or preventative medicine such as tamoxofen. Surgery, though, would cut their risk from 87 percent to about 5 percent. "We are going to war," Heather said. "We're going to do whatever we need to be around for one another."
She found Dr. Arpana Naik, who directs the Breast Center at Oregon Health & Science University. A surgical oncologist, Naik's entire focus was breast diseases, including women at high risk of breast cancer. Naik and her nurse coordinator, Martha McInnes (of Ask Martha fame), were, Heather said, "the first people who didn't think I was crazy."
David was not so sure. His wife of 20 years was planning a double mastectomy without ever talking to him.
"It's my body," she recalls saying.
"It affects both of us and the family as a whole," he said. "It's not like breaking your foot. I just want to be sure you're thinking clearly and not just in 'My-family-has-cancer mode.'"
The lone brother in the family, Tom Boulanger, had no plans to be tested and thought his three sisters were overreacting. "I think it's insane," he said. "I can't imagine putting myself under that to prevent something that may never happen."
The men also worried that there was peer pressure at work.
But Heather was sure. Kim's cancer returned them to their mother's final days. Heather was 44, the same age her mother had been when she was diagnosed. Bonne Boulanger "rocked as a grandma," but she didn't live long enough to know most of her grandkids. "I want to know my grandkids," Heather said.
David agreed. "We would have arrived at exactly the same place," David recalls saying. "But I just wish you had talked to me."
On Jan. 15, he left Albertsons in Grants Pass, where he is assistant store director, to drive Heather north.
She had spent her "last days with my boobs," making to-do lists for her children and having long glittery "cancer pink" fingernails applied, a rare treat not usually allowed by her work. Her children gave her a farewell card that read: "Happy Retirement to your knockers." "You are the toughest woman I know," her 19-year-old son Cody wrote.
Just after 7 a.m. on Jan. 16, Naik surgically removed the breast tissue and several lymph nodes to ensure no cancer was present. Heather would need breast exams every six months for the rest of her life because some microscopic breast cells remained. Dr. Reid Mueller, a plastic surgeon at OHSU, placed an expander under Heather's chest muscle, the first step in reconstruction.
Heather wasn't fully sold on implants, but her insurance required it be done at the time of surgery, and she didn't want regrets later.
When she woke up, David was waiting.
She peeked under her hospital gown.
"I'm so glad I did this."
—
Serina Wilson wrung out a cool washcloth and placed it over Heather's throbbing head. She had left her 3-year-old daughter in Grants Pass and come to Portland with her husband to help her aunt. She planned to return in two weeks for her mother, Hope's, surgery and again in June for aunt Bonne, a school bus driver. At 25, Serina was the next generation's fixer.
The sisters had descended into Heather's room, circling everything on the dinner menu, then calling out for pizza, too. Heather had made elaborate individualized silver charm bracelets to mark the surgeries. The sisters studied theirs: "In Memory of My Mother" and "High Maintenance."
"High maintenance? That's not me!" Bonne said. "That's Hope."
"Brat," Hope said.
The sisters were, Serina knew, "terminally unique." They carried big personalities and tiny dogs, frequently in costumes. They were closer than any family she knew. "I don't have a cell phone because the aunts would call 500 times and say, "Where are you?" she said. As a teenager, Serina and her cousins had died from embarrassment at their aunts' lack of self-consciousness. Her mother, who had nine children, would leap out of a car to stop a fistfight. She stopped an abusive parent in a grocery store by asking, "Excuse me, do you know there are parenting classes you can take?"
Hope told the surgeons, "Just make mine perkier than Heather's."
"Mother!" Serina said.
"You guys are hilarious," Naik said, laughing.
Serina wasn't laughing. The sisters' experience had convinced their brother, Tom, to be tested after all. Two cousins had already undergone testing - both negative. But Serina was still worried. Mastectomy, with the pain and change in appearance, terrified her. She wasn't done having babies. And what if Jadin, her beautiful, redheaded daughter who looked so much like these women, carried the gene?
Serina couldn't imagine fighting so hard to live. Except, she would.
The sisters had taught her how.
She was a Boulanger. With all the weakness that carried — and all the strength.

Julie Sullivan: 503-221-8068; juliesullivan@news.oregonian.com